Do you think that it is more common for men to start dating not long after the death of their spouse than women?

Because men are programmed by evolution to inseminate as many females as possible.
That is also why so many men cheat, and why the concept of monogamous marriage is an affront against human nature.

I think it’s up to the widower or widow to decide the timing. Three months does seem too soon, but it just might well be the right time for him—and if it turns out to be a mistake, it still could be a valuable learning lesson for him.

More common? Maybe.

I’d say that men, particularly older men, are more likely to get lonely and reach out for a connection to another woman. This is especially true if their late spouse “took care of them” as many older women tend to do for their husbands – cooking, cleaning, paying bills, reminding him to take his medication, etc.

I think women who do these things for their husbands will either become more liberated being single after his death or will feel an empty spot now that she has no one to nurture. I don’t think as many men would enjoy the independence as much.

I’d imagine living alone after so many years of marriage without someone to talk to would be very lonely. My grandma lost her husband about 7 years ago and said she’d never marry again. She enjoyed the freedom and not having to take care of a man anymore. She got breast cancer a couple of years ago, had a mastectomy and chemo, and beat it. Afterward, a switch seemed to go off and I knew she was lonely. She met a man who’s wife died 6 months prior and he fancied my grandma quite a bit – brought her gifts, visited her, etc. He had taken care of his wife, who had Alzheimer’s, for 10 years and after she died, he went into a depression and lost so much weight that his daughter thought he would die as well. After he and my grandma connected, he completely changed his tune. Fast forward a few months – they got married a few weeks ago and are both much happier. They say loneliness can kill a person, which is perhaps why many elderly people get sick and die shortly after their spouse goes.

And if the man in question is 60+, I doubt he’s thinking much about inseminating anyone. Sometimes it’s not even about sex, it’s about companionship.

In my experience, it is usually the men. My grandfather and his old crony friends were the horndogs of the senior centers and karaoke nights. He had multiple girlfriends after my grandmother died, but he waited a year or two.

It really turned out awful because he moved in with his g/f and got sick, she got his debit card numbers and bilked him down to a grand or two by the time he was hospitalized and we went to get his things from her house. And she didn’t want to give up his new car either. Crazy.

My brother-in-law started having sex with someone within two weeks of my sister’s death and had the bad taste to tell my mother about it.

@marinelife That’s awful, jeesh, a class act right?!

In my limited experience, it does seem like widowed men start dating sooner.

@KNOWITALL He was an Okie.

Yes, MOST men don’t do well alone after the death of a spouse or divorce, LTR breakup etc.
They tend to become very dependent on women to add structure and domestic organization to their loves and since many men are not in touch with their feelings they tend to not enjoy their own company.
This is more true for older generations I think, especially men in their later 40’s, 50’s and 60’s.
As a divorced woman I LOVE being alone and single, not at all interested in re-marrying.

Gah…been there done that, I cherish my space and privacy.

I do think men in general tend to move on from relationships that end either through death or divorce more quickly than most women. My experience is men are more able to compartmentalise their grief more than women. So they’re still feeling the pain, but they can box it up and contain it so they can go on and start again.

First of all, the demographics usually work the other way. Women usually live longer than men. So the issue would actually be more common as it regards women.

Having said it, it is easy to sit and figure that since the marriage has ended with a death, that it all must be over. My dad was that way, after my mom died, and he died early. While my mom was alive he was a super human. After that, he just sort of did nothing. I think he would have lived longer if he would have gotten back into a relationship.

Most rational people will recognize that after the death of a spouse, they are instantly at risk to begin a psychological decline, which in turn can become a physical decline and a downward spiral.

Most men are pretty rational. I would think that a lot of them would be worried if they simply did nothing. I would never do that if it were me.

Well it totally depends on the person. It’s an individual thing. I of course am a female and I haven’t moved forward from my relationship, but my relationship was fulfilling and generally I’m not a needy person. I have been loved & I have felt loved and unless something comes along I’m not going to seek a long term relationship because I’m not ready for the drama of it all because looking for the right person is very hard and why should I when I have found the right person and its not my fault that he was taken to soon.

Some people can stay in relationships for years and that person may not be the right person. I see that with two relationships of people that I know right now. It is completely personal.

I think from the generational experience of Seniors right now, it may be because of gender roles. My grandmother never wanted to date or marry after her husband died because she didn’t want to cook fancy meals or clean up after another man. She also didn’t want to be a nursemaid to another man.

I’m not saying that single Senior men think “I can’t wait to get married again so I can have someone cook my food and clean up after me”—but I think it doesn’t enter their minds that there are added responsibilities that women of that age think of that men don’t.

It does seem that way, yes. Some men really dislike being alone.

The two widowers I know were bombarded by invitations from women almost immediately after their wives were in the grave. Many of these women, widows and divorcees alike, were friends with the deceased.

I think it depends an the guy and the relationship he had with the deceased spouse. Some guys want to be waited on all the time, can’t cook, and expect the spouse to take total care of the house. They’re not equipped to be on their own. That’s not my style but I’m not going to critical of them for looking quickly.

Well I think it depends from person to person how long they prefer to grief.
I know even while some men or women grief they start dating a few weeks latter because they can’t handle loneliness and there are certain voids that cant be filled by friends or family. In general no human is made to be alone.

My women friends call it “a nurse with a purse” syndrome.

Women mourn. Men replace.

I started dating really soon after my first husband died.
I think it is more socially acceptable for men to start dating sooner so some women might wait because women seem to be more concerned about what people think.
Everyone grieves differently and I believe some people (like me) were just not made to be alone while others couldn’t think of dating after the death of a spouse.

A family friend of ours lost his wife eight or nine years ago, and still hasn’t started dating again. It’s not that he doesn’t want to. From what I’ve heard from my mum, it sounds like he’s trying to get to know women, but just isn’t ready to get close to anyone again.

But come to think of it, in general, I think men do start dating sooner than women following the death of a spouse.

The answer is “Yes”. Definitely. There is no question about it. Do not blame it on the man. He does not have to go out looking!

I saw what happened with my father after my mother died. Women were throwing themselves at him.
As we age there are fewer men than women. I’m sure some statistics person can find the real numbers but in the retirement community where my Dad lived there appeared to be at least 4 women to every man. At least! It might be more like 6 to 1! The average age was somewhere around 75. If a wife died it would only take days before a women tried to comfort the grieving man. It was interesting to watch. The women would get all foxed up like they were on a hunt.

@LuckyGuy makes me remember this guy who worked part time at the gas station across from my house when I was in college. He was a retired widower who didn’t need to work, but would use the money he earned to go on fishing trips.

He only worked 1 – 2 days a week, but when he did, OMG the lines at the gas station went on forever! He had this huge following of widow groupies. They would ALL get their gas on the day he pumped it. They almost all claimed it was because he pumped their gas for free (which he did as a personal courtesy) but they would all bring pies, cakes, cookies, sandwiches, fishing bait—you name it. And I guess some women would schedule a fill-up right after a trip to the salon.

He was Muncie Indiana’s most eligible bachelor. Not bad for a guy in his 70s in a college town.

Men can’t stand to live alone. The loneliness and lack of personal services like cooking and laundry are just too much to bare. Bare? Women, on the other hand, tend to enjoy being alone after decades of servitude. My husband’s late aunt lost her husband to a heart attack and , from then until she died, kept a spotless home and did extensive traveling with her girlfriends and/or daughter. She also wore her wedding ring for the rest of her life. The old widower who mows for us sometimes comes over and sort of hangs out in the yard, pulling two or three weeds, smoking. When I go out there he wants to just chat and you get the feeling that if you brought out lawn chairs he’d stay until dark. I’d say it’s sad but Luckyguy is right: there are plenty of women to go around and some of them want a boyfriend. Not necessarily a husband. That is a tall order for a woman after a certain age unless the guy happens to be Nicolas Cage in which case some women would be a little more interested in said laundry and cooking. haha

They are lonly and cannot cope without their longtime spouse,
so they seek companionship to get throught the pain.
It is entirely subjective, and understandible.
I do not think that they wish to undermine the memory of their deceased spouse.

I agree with @Aster 10,000%.
I have been divorced for 10 years, was married from 21 to 43, 22 years, and 26 total in the relationship. Man….I have had a few flings, one 2 year relationship, but, I have zero desire to tend to a man again. lol
Once, a few years ago, I came home to my contractor buddys work boots in my garage.

When I pulled into my garage and saw those man boots the fear factor was extreme. haha
Fuck no…dare I say…I wanted my girly garage with pretty rugs in it. :-D

@Coloma
Does this mean I should abandon all hope, as flimsy as it may be or have been?

@Aster , @Inspired_2write , Maybe some men can’t live alone but that was certainly not the case with my Dad. He was quite self sufficient. He took care of everything around the house while my Mom was sick. He did not need a woman.
As soon as she died he was inundated (inappropriately) with eager women. It was like that at the condo when he moved to Florida. He was outnumbered (my estimate) 5 to one. Sure, many of the women did not mind living alone and were reasonable but there were (again, my estimate) 25% who clearly were on the hunt, looking for men all the time. It was incredible. You could watch them at the pool or hanging around in the club house. They were all made up like they were going to the ball and wearing jewelry and hot looking clothes. They were also in great shape and clearly ate right and exercised quite regularly.
You could watch them strutting in the club house. It’s the clubhouse in a retirement community for Pete’s sake!!! Whenever a man lost his wife they would swoop in and bring food over and look for any excuse to help. My Dad did not have to do anything. He could have been buried in XX chromosome holders if he wanted. (After 18 years he did snag a nice one. – or maybe she snagged him.)
Maybe the majority of women at that age don’t mind living alone but the F/M numbers are so skewed that even if only 25% of the women are on the hunt they outnumber the available men still capable of driving at night. From what I have been told (I have no experience in this area) they will do anything to get a man.
I guess there is life after retirement. ;-)

I looked at the numbers . (You knew I would.)
From the 2010 Census, in the over 65 age category, there were 75 men for every 100 females.
Almost 75% of men over the age of 65 are married . Doing the math (and ignoring LGBT) that means ¼ of the men over 65 are not married. If we ignore the age difference in “typical” marriages, we get .75×75 = 56% of women over 65 are married or 44% are single. So, out of 100 women, 44 are single. There are .75×25 = 18.7 single men. So over the age of 65 the ratio is 44/18.7 = 2.3 single women for every single man.
If you increase the age group the ratio gets more skewed and if you consider that men often marry younger women, the numbers are even more skewed. I am probably not far off when I say it is 5 to 1 in the Florida retirement community where my Dad lived.
I contend that men over 65 are snagged /hooked by desirous females rather than the other way around.

Back to the original poster, @Mama_Cakes . I’ll bet it was the woman who approached your Dad in his time of grief. Not the other way around.

From what I’ve seen personally many women start dating shortly after the death of their husbands too. I think this assumption in the OP is a typical stereotype of straight men. My experience has shown me that it is likely close to even for both sexes.

After my father commited suicide, my mother could barely wait for six months before hooking up with a guy. She was very beautiful still at 66 and financially comfortable; men were lining up at her door also. She had been clearly unhappy and resentful at having to take care of my very ill and very depressed father (although she did not have to do any of the heavy lifting.)

She remarried within the year (different guy), in spite of the imprecations, reasoning, threats, and cajoling of me and my sibs. She told us that they needed to get married in order to have sex.

The marriage lasted less than two months, and then they were off to somewhere in Central America for a divorce. One of the guys she had rejected was still waiting in the wings. Happily, he and she stayed together until his death, 26 or so years later.

After he died, there were still two men at the retirement community sniffing around ma, still a looker in her early 90’s. Eventually senile dementia put a stop to that, but she used to wish, very often and very wistfully, that she had a boyfriend.

@gailcalled My Mom had boyfriends in each of her nursing homes too.

Women should man up. Taking care of some loser is no way to structure a life.
Just blowing off a little steam here.

@susanc it sounds like they are trying to “man up.”

@gailcalled, your mother could have been me. Sometimes those of us who are married to chronically depressed people mourn their death before they’re even gone. The possibility is always there so we think about how we react if they ever go through with it.
I often say that I was lucky I met my current husband when I did because it really could have been anyone in the mental state I was in. It turns out I was blessed and we are still crazy on love after 22 plus years. I WAS only 29 and not 66 though.

Most of the people I know closely, people I call friends, are single for whatever reason and over 40 and I think the general concensus for serious relationships among this group is monogamy with separate addresses. There is only one exception and he’s a guy who just can’t live without a woman and I don’t think it’s about having his own live-in laundress, I think it’s his inability to feel whole without a mate. In the mundane things, he is self-sufficient, he uses the same launderer as I and enjoys cooking, and like all of us, eats out a lot. But he really has us shaking our heads over this and we joke about it a little. He is unique among our beachy little clique of about 25 people of both sexes.

When you live in a semi-urban environment and have a guy who will convert a couple of loads of laundry into a few packages of nicely folded clothes in a couple of days and a bunch of good but cheap restaurants within walking distance, there is no reason to trade your freedom and privacy for a live-in maid or handyman. Absolutely none. And if we didn’t have these amenities, I really can’t imagine many of us cohabitating after enjoying living alone for a year or so. Nobody to constantly answer to, having the house to yourself (in my case a sailboat), sleeping when they sleep, eating when they eat. Forget it.

@Espiritus_Corvus yeah, but what about making love when you wanna make love?

Judging from the answers it’s obviously about being fulfilled, and some people need someone and some people don’t.

That is why I’m thinking it is such a personal decision, because everyones idea of fulfillment is different. Maybe I can have red wine once in awhile while another person is a straight up alcoholic, and maybe the next person doesn’t need alcohol at all.

@Earthgirl : when I used to wanna make love and was not living with the object of my affections, I was always willing to take a walk or a drive. It seemed worth the effort….

@Earthgirl That’s called a date. It can end up at her place or mine, sometimes for a few days. You don’t have to give up your home to regularly enjoy each other, carnally or otherwise. You were kidding, right?

@Espiritus_Corvus Yeah, I was kidding. You make cohabiting sound so dreary….I couldn’t resist. After all, you don’t have to eat the same time, or sleep the same time…..but one thing you do have to coordinate is your lovemaking, lol. You are a lucky man to have dates so readily available!