What do you think about time outs for children?

Do not use them. Was never put in a timeout as a kid. Seems like just another chance to avoid parenting.

It’s like any form of “behavior modification”...it depends on the child.

My wife’s niece has two children that no form of behavior modification works. Give them time out and they’ll play with a piece of thread…sing…anything to entertain themselves. They could care less about “time out”.

(Time out to cause more mischief is more likely…)

Spanking is out of the question. You’d have to beat them to death.

The flip side are kids like my daughters. When they were younger, my wife taught them that “shut up” was a “bad word”. Give them “time out” and they’d burst into tears.

They’re teenagers now. They get highly offended if you tell one of them to shut up.

So, like I said…it depends on the child.

Same as @tom_g. I never used them and was never put in a timeout as a child.

For toddlers, being banished from a parent;s presence is a very real punishment,

If anyone’s watched Nanny 911, they’ll know just how effective timeout can be. It has to be executed properly though or it’s an ineffective behavior modifier. It’s like breaking a wild horse, once you crush it’s will to resist, it will obey. Apparently children are like this too.

We would ask our children to go to the staircase, every now and then.

We would have one of two situations:
1) the child knew what was he was doing wrong, and he could and would return as soon as he was up to change that behaviour.
2) the child didn’t know…. Then we would immediately follow and explain what was wrong. Sometimes this took some time… Again… As soon we knew they understood, we’d go back to our routine and they could return anytime they wanted.

It was always very clear, that his was not a punishmen, but that we just didn’t toleratecertain behavior around us, because it would, for instance, annoy us.

I don’t think we so far ever have had the need to go much further beyond that.

And yes… I have boys… And yes they are boisterous, every now and then, as boys need to.
And yes… they are getting good grades and are doing well, with friends in their classes.
And no… they are not in a liberal Dutch school, they are in a rather strict English International school.

If it works to change behavior, over time, I see nothing wrong with very brief time outs. I never had them or any other kind of punishment. I think that’s because I was the youngest by far and was treated special. I don’t think I would have resented it at all, though. I’m sure I needed some sort of punishment fairly often. On the other hand, if you see it isn’t effective in changing behavior I guess you need to try something that hurts more like taking a favorite toy away for 24 hours.

I don’t recall if I was ever put in time-outs. I’d love to say it was because I was the perfect child that never acted out but, in reality, my parents just spoiled me. I was the baby, I could do no wrong, and my teenage years really showed my mom how much of a spoiled brat I’d become because of it.

I think time-outs are a good thing if they work. On the “avoiding parenting” comment above, I think that sometimes even adults need to take time-outs for themselves to calm down and think rationally (I know I do), so why wouldn’t the same apply to kids? If sitting in a chair quietly for a few minutes makes them chill out, why not use it? For some kids, though, it just gives them a chance to recharge and then they’re back to acting up as soon as the time-out ends.

I’d love to know what methods parents use that don’t “avoid parenting” by using such methods. I’ve never tried to sit a 3-year-old down in the middle of a tantrum and rationally explain why hitting their sibling is not okay because it might hurt his feelings and that they should please apologize, but I’d imagine it would be nearly impossible to do so. A little time out to calm them down before the conversation seems completely harmless to me. But I suppose time-outs cause psychological damage to kids as well, eh? :)

I don’t think I was ever put in time out.

I used it quite a bit when I had the daycare and while raising my own kids. It was effective.

One thing that I learned in teaching school, and I wish I’d learned earlier, was giving kids options. A really good example was once, when I was subbing in a 5th grade classroom, a kid was getting ready to throw a wad of paper from his desk, to the trash can, about 10 feet away. It was something he knew he wasn’t supposed to do.
I said, “Fred, you can go ahead and throw that if you want to.”
It drew him up short and he said, “I can?” in surprise.
I said, “Sure. It would be a good shot if you make it. But if you miss you get to stay after class and help me clean up.”
That forced him to make his own decision. He thought for a moment…and he chose not to take the shot.

I also didn’t call it “punishment.” It was “discipline.” I think it’s important to consciously distinguish between the two. If you “punish” your kids, I think you’d be more likely to just react, whereas if you have the mindset that you’re “disciplining” the kids it causes you to think a little deeper about what you’re trying to accomplish.

Also, I began using a system whereby if the kid did something wrong, but claimed to not know what it was (which they did a lot,) I’d tell them to go sit in time out and see if they could figure it out. As soon as they figured it out, AND came up with a solution or a different way of handling whatever, they could come out of time out. If it took 5 seconds to figure it out, they could come out in 5 seconds. If it took 5 hours, I told them I would bring them food and water every so often.

It was just a miracle how, in a matter of seconds, they were suddenly able to figure out, all by themselves, just what they had done wrong! AND they came up with some awesome, creative solutions and alternatives all by themselves.

I wouldn’t consider that “avoiding parenting.”

They work best if there’s an organ player in the attic, similar to hockey games.

When my kids, a boy and a girl, started fighting, I’d send them to their rooms and tell them they couldn’t play together if they couldn’t get along. After a bit, I’d hear them playing together very quietly, so I wouldn’t hear. Since that’s what I wanted them to do in the first place, I let them, until I was ready to have them back downstairs. They were content; I was content. Mission accomplished.

It is too bad that time alone is conditioned to teach the child that to be alone is correlated
with punishment, when in fact it should be sought as a tool to meditate and calm the person.
A better way would be to suggest tht both you and the child share some time alone, be it as simple as , a quiet afternoon walk in the park or making cookies together?
This would affect the child in a big way and show them how to choose their behavior to a more positive outcome.

What @Inspired_2write? First, what makes you think they’re “alone”? The only way I’d make them go some place actually secluded is if they were continuing to act up in time out, trying to get attention either from me or the other kids. Anyway, it isn’t being alone (which they aren’t) that is what is effective. It’s being made to sit still for a while, while others are still playing or watching TV. It’s simply temporarily taking away some minor privileges.

Second, if being ‘alone’ is such a ‘bad thing,’ we’d never put them to bed ‘alone’ in their own rooms every night.

And last, did I understand you right? So, if little Julie hits Janie, you’d say, “Come on Julie! Let’s make some cookies!”

No that is not what I meant.
What I meant was the act of immediately saying calmly to the child that you understand that they are feeling upset and that later that you might spend some time together.
( to talk about it with them, or any other time together moment).

@Inspired_2write quiet afternoon walk? Do you have kids? They are rarely quiet in my experience and when they are quiet it’s because they are trying to not get caught doing something bad. lol.

These “parenting” threads make me wonder why the hell people have kids if they are just evil, noisy, naughty, little shits that should be broken to be made compliant. I’m feeling quite queasy reading much of the content here and that hitting thread, which I now regret starting.

@tom_g Just to clarify my earlier post: it was a bit tongue-and-cheek. I’ve watched a bit of Nanny 911 with kids that were out of control. Once they got the message that the parents were in charge and that they had to respect the rules, because the parents were serious about consistently enforcing discipline, then they seemed to behave well. This is what I meant by “breaking their will to resist;” it was intended to be a bit sarcastic, even though the principle of taming a feral child is somewhat similar to taming a wild horse. I also realize that Nanny 911 is reality tv—so definitely not exactly the highest quality source for parenting advice (although orders of magnitude better than what I see a lot of parents doing).

I raised three small children,worked through College,volunteered for the community,all while being a single mother.
I soon scheduled time together with each of my children individually once a week to give them the time alone together that they craved.
I was fortunate to have had a flexible day care available year round.
I thought of many different ways to be together with my children, one being the use of the next community playground ( in a rich area) where I would pack our lunches for a picnics at the playground and where we would bike to get there.
When we got there ( a couple of miles away) I spread the blanket , food etc out and we ate and they played intermittantly in this huge playground.
Another time when the kids became restless I took them out kite flying to the nearby high ground.
Sometime we made our own kites with glue and garbage bags , other time purchased inexpensive kites for them.
I was not rich by any means but was determined to carve out a healthly life style for them.
In winter times I created a makeshift playground in the basement for days when they missed the Summer times outdoors.
For the younger ones , sometimes just a simple bubble soap to blow their own bubbles was enough.( ordinary liquid soap/water).Or homemade playdough.
We biked together a lot in the summer.
I kept them active when they got bored.
Some days we just made popcorn and watched a movie series (Superman)together.

I am not telling you how to raise your children, rather just imparting what worked for me at the time.

@tom_g I’m sure you love hearing kids screaming and throwing tantrums in stores? My son would never do that because he has been taught how to behave in public, at dinner last night our server was complimenting my son on how he was such a polite and respectful little boy. Teaching a child how to behave is not about forcing them to be compliant, its preparing them for life in the real world.

Once a month I saved up in order to have special meals at a nice Restaurant specifically to teach my children how to behave politely ( by example) in public.
I discovered that they in turn became calm and respectful without any repremands needed.
In short it was a learning experience for all of us.

@tom_g You take the good with the bad. My kids weren’t perfect angels all the time, but I sure enjoyed them.

Ignoring bad behavior is a useful tool, sometimes. But you have to know when a kid is acting out just to get your attention (so you deny them that attention) or acting out for other reasons.

My oldest threw a tantrum in a store one time (and it was the last time.) She couldn’t have something she wanted, and she threw herself down on the floor and started wailing! Her dad and I looked at each other, startled, then, as if on cue, went around a corner where we could see her but she couldn’t see us. She peeped her eyes open, saw there was no one there. Quit crying and got up and brushed herself off like, “THAT was a waste of time!” And she never did it again.

The WORST thing a parent can do is say ‘No,’ but then, as the child escalates his displeasure with the “No,” finally caves in to get him or her to be quiet.

I don’t know too much about “time outs”. I myself am not a real disciplinary but my husband used to give them to my daughter when she was 12 because she had a bit of an attitude and they were age appropriate of 12 minutes standing in the corner no longer and no less. Afaik the age the child is should equal the amount of minutes in the time out. Did she learn? I think so the time outs did not happen to often. She is well adjusted now besides of a fear issue that she has dealt with since she was a toddler.