Is visualizing physically hurting someone a red flag of abuse?
Asked by
ruby85 (
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April 7th, 2013
My boyfriend and I went to the movies. While at the movies, I asked to talk to him about something that was really bothering me and his response was “there is nothing to talk about” This made me very angry because this is not the first time that he has dismissed my concerns or feelings. I had reached my boiling point and told him to break up with me and to take me home. At first he ignored me but after my repeated expressions of wanting to go home he grabbed me up and broke my 3D glasses. He then got up and left the the theatre to take me home. While in the car, he started to drive very reckless. I asked him again if we could talk but he ignored it. He dropped me off at my parents house and proceeded to tell them how I embarrassed him and hurt him at the movies. They were on his side and made me feel really bad about what I had done and the thought of hurting him hurt me and I tried to apologize. He was very mean and unforgiving at my attempts to apologize. He ignored me for 3 days telling my family that he was going to make me eat my words. When he finally did talk to me he admitted to me that while in the car coming home from the movies that he visualized himself slamming my face into the window. he also admitted that during the 3 days he ignored me, he knew I was hurting, and enjoyed it. Needless to say, things were never the same and I was continuously punished for that incident at the movies, despite my genuine attempts to fix it. Were these signs of abuse, was there something that I did to cause this type of treatment?
I know many may say that I shouldn’t have told him to break up with me. I didn’t really want him to break up with me, my anger just got the best of me at that moment. The truth is I felt crazy when I was with him. My emotions, concerns, feelings, never seemed to matter to him, he would always brush them off as not important, or tell me I get mad at stupid sh*t or he would tell me not to feel that way. No matter how I tried, I could not get him to see or understand how I was feeling.
*I am being counseled from the trauma I experienced from this relationship. Part of my assignments from my sessions is to talk about the things that have transpired which should help brighten my awareness of what was happening, and what I didn’t see. thanks in advance for all your responses and opinions.
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28 Answers
Are you still in a relationship with this guy?
He is an abuser, as we have said on similar questions that you asked earlier.
There are about 75 red flags in his behavior.
“This is not the first time that he has dismissed my concerns or feelings.”
”...he grabbed me and broke my D glasses.” That’s pretty clear.
”..he started to drive very reckless.” So is that.
“He knew I was hurting and {he} enjoyed it.” That’s the description of a sadist.
The only mistakes you made were to stay around and let him manipulate and torture you repeatedly.
At the first sign of abusive behavior from anyone, you leave. You do not hang around and wonder what you did wrong or why he isn’t behaving better.
I don’t know if his visualizing abusing you is a sign of an abuser, but there seem to be other signs that you should not ignore. The boy sounds very manipulative. His refusing to let this go and continuously calling you to account for it, his pouting for three days and reveling in the fact that it was hurting you, consistently ignoring or discounting your feelings, and his putti g his hands on you in anger (breaking the glasses) all signs that this is not a health relationship. If you have been traumatized to the point where you require therapy, that is a pretty good indicator that you should not be in this relationship.
Yes, him having violent thoughts are signs of potential abuse. Of more concern is him grabbing you and breaking your 3D glasses. That was abusive behavior.
Of most concern is why you would stay with someone who would not listen to and respond to your feelings on issues. There is no basis for a relationship with someone who does that.
Of almost equal concern is your family siding with him. Have you sat down with them in a quiet moment and explained your side of things? Told then he never listened to you and you had just had it? If they still don’t see your side of it, I would consider not letting them express any opinion about my life or relationships, and I would definitely consider moving out.
His behavior, not just his thoughts, are scary and abusive. Stay away from him for good.
@gailcalled To answer your question, no, that is a completely different post about a different aspect of the relationship. My story is way to long to to type in one post so I ask in parts so that I can get the best possible responses, especially knowing that people don’t like to read long posts. I stated at the bottom of this post the reason why I am posting in the first place. I am doing what I need to do to understand what I didn’t see so that I don’t make these mistakes or ignore these things again; and most importantly, to move on. All the responses I got thus far have helped me more than you may know. And no, I am not still with him.
Wait, you told him to break up with you? Did I read that correctly?
It’s up to you to break up with him.
There are no “red flags” here… that’s just your blood being spilled. This has gone so far beyond “red flag” territory that there are no more flags, and no need of them.
I’m relieved to know you’re not still with him. Keep talking, so you don’t make that mistake again, but my first thought is to learn to value yourself more.
Is this the ex-con you were dating?
I’m glad you are no longer with him.
In looking for a mate the next time, if someone, especially the guys father tells you to stay away, then there is reason for that. That alone would have been your red flag.
Love yourself enough to pick someone that is good to you and never hurts you mentally or physically.
This relationship will bring you nothing but pain. There is no hope for it.
@CWOTUS yes, you read it right, sadly I was so confused and trying to figure out what was going on that I was emotionally drained. I wasn’t strong enough at that time to leave the relationship. Now that I look back on this incident, I was moreso trying to be understanding and supportive because I thought that he was going through a phase (PTSD) from incarceration. With time, I now understand that may not be the case and he really isn’t a good person and to treat someone like this is a choice. I wish I found this site a lot sooner, it would have saved me months of the torture of feeling guilt, shame and pain of believing that I did something to cause this.
@marinelife when he was dismissing my feelings, I started second guessing myself and wondering if I was going crazy. I couldn’t understand what was going on. Everything that I believed he was, he wasn’t. His behavior went against everything the person I knew him to be, would do.
When my family sided with him, I became inverted because I felt so alone. I felt like everyone was against me. Thats when the thought of feeling crazy was at its highest peak. He had manipulated everyone to believe that I was the one with the problem, and I started to believe it as well (I know this now, but I didn’t know this when I was going through it)
I can’t recall exactly when, but after a while, I began to open up to my family.They were furious to hear about what was going on and as a result got involved in the relationship. They were upset and saddened at the fact that I kept all of this to myself and that I had suffered so much from it. When this happened, it got worse with him and I because he was now being exposed to both my family and his and as a result, I experienced his cold, full blown emotional rage. It was the exposure that forced the humiliating, excruciating breakup. My family stepped in for me because they knew I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own.
That was the most humiliating and painful break-up that I have eve went through and will never forget it as long as I live.
Sometimes, you say that you have broken up with him, but it seems to me that more often, you speak as if you are still together.
Which is it?
Breaking the glasses was the first sign of potentially leading to physical abuse. I visualize hurting people all the time and if I had the power to strike someone dead on thought alone, there would be a lot of dead mother fuckers in the world, mostly slow drivers on the freeway, but I’m not physically abusive.
What the shit? Are you serious? If you haven’t already dumped him and filed a restraining order, do so now. If he comes near you again, call the cops. There is really no gray area here.
@glacial we are broken up, sorry for the confusion.
@cheebdragon well of course everyone had visualized hurting someone but in this context, its not just talking about anyone, this is someone you supposedly love. No matter how angry I am, I have never wanted to hurt anyone that I love. The fact that the movie incident caused him to want to hurt me in that way is what I didn’t understand.
I don’t believe that thoughts are always dangerous. We all have moments when we visualize swinging a baseball bat at someone’s head, but we don’t do it.
Your boyfriend grabbed you, broke your 3D glasses, and drove home recklessly. His behavior went beyond normal frustration or aggravation.
“I didn’t really want him to break up with me” Why not? If you’re not married and don’t have children together, you can just walk away from him. Why are you getting therapy so that you can stay in a relationship that makes you “crazy”? Would you consider turning the therapy to self-reflection—explore why you tolerate and, in fact, want to maintain this sort of treatment? Therapy can help you gain self-esteem and know that you’re worthy of something better.
What do your parents think of this guy? If they say negative things about him, maybe you should listen instead of loyally standing by his side.
Yes. It is sometimes called homicidal ideation and can even get people held in a mental hospital in some states.
You know this guy is bad news. Those of us involved in your other questions have told you how nuts he is. I hope you are staying as far away from him as possible.
I am concerned that you called him “Your boyfriend” in this question instead of your ex boyfriend. Didn’t he have a baby with another woman for goodness sake? Put him in your past! Move on.
@SadieMartinPaul You asked why I didnt want him to break up with me.. I wish I can go back and edit this so that it is understood that this is past tense. At the time that is how I felt. I didn’t know what I know now, back then I was an emotional mess with no one to talk to because to everyone else, he was the sweetest thing in the world. He was a pro a purposely pushing buttons that would trigger a response that made me look crazy to others. Now that I have better understanding of what was happening, it hurts a lot.Like I mentioned above, I thought he was going through a phase and I was trying to be supportive and understanding. I had no idea I was being abused.
I am now getting therapy because I tried to cope with it on my own but it wasn’t working. I’m glad that I finally am speaking about it because I now know that it wasn’t my fault and can stop carrying this burden of guilt.
@Judi I dont have to worry about staying away from him, He doesn’t want anything to do with me, so even if i wanted to talk to him, I couldn’t. Everyone would say that is a great thing but in the beginning of the break up, that is what hurt me the most because he had so much contempt for me and no one knew why, and still don’t know why. These post were copied right out of my journal which is why they appear to be present tense. Sorry about that, and yes he did have a baby with another woman..
These post were copied right out of my journal which is why they appear to be present tense.
It would make it a lot easier for us to understand if you didn’t copy journal excerpts and couch them as questions.
Ask your questions in a more straightforward manner and present your evidence clearly and succinctly.
Why he behaved the way he did was and still is irrelevant. It no longer matters.
The only important issue is why you let yourself be abused then and how to prevent it from
EVER happening again. This is only about you.
Most abusive men are not abusive in the beginning of a relationship, they are often sweet, probably because if you hit a chick on the first date, she is unlikely to have a 2nd date with you.
Do whatever you want, but I guarentee that his behavior will only get worse.
”… because he had so much contempt for me and no one knew why, and still don’t know why.”
Sometimes there is simply no answer, no answer that makes any kind of sense, I think this is one of those situations, I would not try and work it out, you will never make any sense of it because there is no sense to be made.
@ruby85 “I wish I can go back and edit this so that it is understood that this is past tense”
Ruby, I’m so happy to hear that. I truly wish you all the best. Please let your fellow Jellies know how things turn out.
It seems this person has among numerous serious problems, poor impulse control. You are fortunate he told you what he was thinking and feeling. You then had the opportunity to make decisions that could clearly save your life or at a minimum protect you from serious harm.
He was telling you he is inclined to act out violently and that his behaviour can not be predicted from one moment to the next.
Being alone would be better than being close to this person.
Please look out for your own well-being.
@Dr_Lawrence Wow! You got all of that from what I wrote above. HIs step mother did mention that as a child he was too impulsive and wanted to send him to a school that specialized with children like him but its not her real child so she couldn’t go against his real mother’s wishes. When I went to talk to him on the day he broke up with me he was fiddling with this saw and his stepmother came to take it away from him. I thought it was weird and at the time wondered why she did that, but now I guess it was because she felt he may have hurt me with it! OMG!
Sounds to me like “poor impulse control“is a euphemism in this particular case.
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