How often, when you immediately dislike someone upon meeting them, is your mind changed by getting to know them better?

As part of the wis.dm migration, this made me LOL!

Actually, my “first impressions” are usually uncannily accurate. Sometimes I feel neutral towards others, though, and then it can go either way, but if I have a strong vibe from the beginning, it usually ends up being justified…

^^We are not allowed to have “first impressions” @yankeetooter!

@Dutchess_III what do you mean about not being allowed to have first impressions? Is that a comment about the food stamp question?

My first impressions are probably 90% correct. I have had a few times when I thought I wasn’t going to like someone, got to know them a little, changed my mind and liked them, got to know them a lot better and my initial judgement turned out to be correct.

Yup! @SuperMouse

What is the length of a “first impression”? Is it a matter of seconds, or like a period of up to 15 minutes?

@Dutchess_III the difference is that you doubled down on your argument and continued to say that those folks must not be working to improve their lives. In that question it seems that you don’t actually speak to the people you are so readily judging. Apples and oranges.

OK.

So how long does it take to gain a first impression? One look? One second? First word they say? 15 minutes of conversation?

I’m trying to think of someone I decided I didn’t like right away, then changed my mind. Can’t think of anyone. I STILL dislike them!

@Dutchess_III I was referring to specifically meeting someone – as in actually being introduced and speak for a bit. I rarely change my mind, but this morning I met someone and took an immediate dislike to them. I kept telling myself to keep an open mind, which is what motivated this question.

The first person that comes to my mind is the wife of a friend of my husband’s. My first impression of her was favorable….but that impression was wrong.
I TRY to like her, for the sake of the relationship, but it’s really, really hard. She’s closed-minded, hateful, racist. It’s awful when I find myself alone with her. I have to check everything I say. Like, you know those funny commercials with the 5 year olds sitting in a circle, and a guy in a suit and tie asking them “Is more better than less?” I love those commercials! My husband and I say “Oh! That’s so Aden (or Brande or whichever grandkid fits that personality.) One of those came on while we were visiting. I started to say “I love these commercials!” but immediately checked myself. And sure enough, her knee jerk comment was “I hate these commercials!”
She hates a lot of things. It actually took visiting with them several times for me to realize that I truly do not like her. Last time I was there she was bitching because the vast majority of basket ball players “any more” are black!

Interesting question. I’ve thought of posting variations on this before.

I’ve had this happen in the past year with a colleague whom I disdained immediately, but with whom I’ve become close friends! Academia does all kinds of weird stuff to your ego and self-concept, and I think a lot of people act like self-aggrandizing assholes upon first entering it, because it’s so intimidating.

More often though, I think that I am more inclined initially to give people the benefit of the doubt, and then after a few more encounters, realize that they are bad people with whom I’d rather not waste my time.

I would say that your first impression of someone pretty much is your first encounter with them (that whole episode).

Sometimes, my instinctual “I can’t stand her” mellows out to “Eh, she’s not so bad”, but never to “Actually, I really like her”. I more or less learn to tolerate some people I didn’t like initially, but I can’t remember ever having a complete turn-around.

I have an uncanny talent for detecting “bad” people. If I immediately dislike someone, time and experience almost always prove that my first impression had been right.

Occasionally. Once I couldn’t stand a woman that I knew casually from work, but she became my best friend after I got to know her.

I’ve wound up revising both positive and negative impressions many times.

In my experience, that bad (or good) first impression isn’t totally reliable. I’ve met people and not liked them and later found them to be great. Equally, I’ve had good impressions and later seen a totally different side. On some occasions I have disregarded my first impressions, got to know someone liked them and then learned my first impressions were spot on.

Generally though I do trust my instincts and if I’m getting a negative vibe, I’ll hold back and see how things go.

I am one that can quickly ascertain and determine if I think I might want to spend time with someone else. My intuition is strong and I don’t even have to necessarily feel a dislike, but if I don’t feel a connection mentally or socially it’s a wrap. It’s less about a first impression than just a sense of connection or disconnect with another.

@SadieMartinPaul : Teach me your tricks :(

Very often, actually. I allow myself to have a first impression, but I also keep an open mind. Several of the people who became my very best friends over the years were people to whom my initial reaction was negative or at best neutral.

I don’t like having a vacuum in my catalog of opinions. However, I try always to stay open to more information without denying myself the option to draw tentative conclusions based on what I already know.

Hardly ever. I think it is a survival mechanism plus I have a very accurate BS detector. And the same is true of the opposite. If I like someone initially, they almost always turn out to be a very trustworthy person.

I can’t help wondering if some of those who form an initial negative impression and then avoid closer acquaintance are missing out on a potentially good relationship.

If you pride yourself on being such a good instantaneous judge of character and personality that you don’t verify your hypothesis, how will you know if you’ve misjudged someone? (I’m not addressing anyone in particular here.)

On the other hand, as long as you don’t act on your negative impression (don’t badmouth the person, don’t deny him or her opportunities or a fair hearing or whatever circumstances require), I think you’re entitled to have your private personal taste in associates as much as in anything else, without having to explain. If you don’t like his eyeglasses or her manicure and you just don’t feel like trying to overcome your distaste, nothing says you have to become friends; but I’d say know the reason for your aversion and don’t let it be the cause of an injustice.

A few times I have sensed when someone took an immediate dislike to me when I’d done no more than offer a greeting upon introduction. Sometimes I have made an effort to win that person’s friendship, but more often I don’t bother (and sometimes I just go ahead and like them anyway; feelings do not have to be reciprocal). They’re entitled to their sentiments. I don’t aspire to be universally beloved; it’s not in my nature to please everyone.

On the other hand, I rarely meet a dog I don’t like immediately.

@Jeruba Speaking only for myself, I try not to let my initial feelings get in the way of getting to know someone (and definitely don’t let them affect my outward attitude toward the person). Most of the time, my initial feelings toward people are positive in the first place. I tend to trust that people are good/likeable/trustworthy until proven otherwise. Sometimes my positive first impressions turn out to be wrong, but very seldom do my (far rarer) negative ones.

I do work to overcome my conscious biases, but it’s entirely possible that I’m not entirely successful or maybe I retain the bias on a subconscious level.

Oh, this has happened to me a lot! I suppose it’s a form of self-protection (sizing up a person to make sure he/she/ze is safe or someone I feel comfortable to have in my space. I usually lean towards the negative, most likely because I’m intuiting something that pushes one of my buttons. It makes me seem judgmental, though, which I dislike. It’s more about my self-protection than about the other person.

There are only a few people in my life whom I originally felt a negative vibe about them but later discovered my feelings were way off. Even so, it’s all protection related (maybe anxiety… who knows). Unfortunately, I’m sure I’ve missed out of quite a few excellent opportunities to make lasting friendships.