I hate my engagement ring help?

I upgraded my ring after about 5 years.

Welcome to Fluther.

You have much bigger things to worry about than a ring.

Congratulations on your engagement. Good luck with your pregnancy and the wedding. Count your blessings, and prepare for the future.

I just feel like for an engagement ring its awfully simple, there nothing wrong with it, I just feel like it’s a ring my mom would give me for a Christmas or birthday present that I could wear everyday causally. I dont feel like this is a ring a boy should give a girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with, but maybe im being too big of a bword, thank you for the responses.

I recommend reading this thread. Most agreed that it would not be horrible to talk to him about it.

My personal preference would be to not get a ring if we can’t afford one I really like, which is what I told my husband. He proposed without a ring, and then I bought a zirconia because it was important to him I had a ring. Now my favorite ring is one we bought when we were married about 14 years or so.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to have a ring you like since you will wear it every day, but I do think waiting to get married or waiting to get engaged just because you don’t have the ring you want is ridiculous. Baby on the way or not.

Look, you are going to be married, add in a baby, and you have some serious financial resposibilities as a couple. Talk to him, discuss if you can afford a more expensive ring now, or better to wait until you can. It doesn’t sound like you both have the money to treat the expense of the ring as if it is his money buying you the ring. Sounds more like you both will need to be putting together your money for your life ahead, what you have now and future earnings. Which means financial decisions should be done together. I don’t recommend combining bank accounts yet, not until your married, but you both should be in very good communication with each other about finances and financial goals.

But, I tend to be more practical than romantic.

The good news about a stone that size is that only a few Africans suffered so you could enjoy it. The bigger the rock the more lives were likely destroyed, and the more money is being contributed to the bank accounts of the people who are doing it. Think of it as a human rights statement, congrats on your engagement and your pregnancy! It seems you’ve got a lot to look forward to, and the size of the rock on your finger is the least of your concerns. My father, who is a surgeon, gave my mom a cubic zirconium ring that she wore for over ten years while they paid off medical school loans and other expenses. She’s wearing a real diamond now.

Welcome to Fluther, and congratulations on the engagement and the baby!

It’s understandable how you feel. Others have felt the same way when their partner picks out their ring with no input. Here is what many have discovered…the appearance of the engagement ring will not matter shortly down the road.

1.) You probably won’t wear it that long once you have a wedding band, unless it is on another finger.
2.) You’ll soon learn to love it for what it represents, not what it looks like. Most engagement rings are for the 15 minutes of fame received from the relationship status. After that, it becomes a beloved memento of this brief period in your life.
3.) Appreciate that your fiance has his financial priorities in order. Since he doesn’t have much money. As @Judi states, it can always be upgraded later. Most importantly, once you have the baby, you will most likely realize that the thoughts you are having now get wiped away. Supporting the baby will become your priority and that includes financially.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide to do.

I love @JLeslie ‘s idea of getting. CZ until you can afford the ring you really want.

In your post you say that you’re worried that you sound “stuck up” or “snobby,” and you mention that one of the reasons this ring bothers you is because you had a bigger one in the past.

It is hard for me to imagine a more snobby or entitled complaint than a woman saying that her engagement ring doesn’t have a big enough diamond.

You have a partner who loves you, who has committed to spending his life with you and raising your child together. Count your blessings and keep your financial house in order.

I’m glad @nikipedia said that because I too thought it is petty as hell. If it were really ugly then maybe I could have a tiny little bit of sympathy for you. But you say it is too simple and small! Sorry I don’t know if snob is the word I would use to describe your behaviour, it sounds more like the behaviour of a spoiled child.

@rooeytoo @nikipedia What’s the difference why she doesn’t like it? The point is she doesn’t like it, and she will be the one wearing it.

Send him packing. In the long run, he’ll be forever grateful.

Your embarrassed by the ring. His car broke down. You’re having a baby together. He started in on the marriage talk.

Perhaps you need to get your priorities straight before the baby arrives.

You’re link sent me to a soft porn site, was that you’re intention?

@Kardamom I get an image of an engagement ring on a hand in front of a computer screen.

By the way, why is the ring on a pinkie finger?

@Kardoman, it worked for me. It was a small solitaire. Maybe ¼–½ karat.

@JLeslie, if someone’s only complaint about a gift is that it wasn’t expensive enough I find it really hard to have any sympathy for that person. There is no difference between a small diamond and a large one except price and, as @gorillapaws pointed out for it, the number of people whose lives were adversely affected so it could get to @glitterpopglam‘s finger. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that her partner did not specifically seek out a conflict-free diamond.

Congratulations, all the best. Sorry to sound sour but it is the LAST thing that you should be thinking of right now. You have other more important concerns from now on.

Actually the question seems to go very well with the choice of user name. I wonder if this is a regular who has come in under a nom de plume to make this query safely and anonymously!

I actually came here to look for advice, I dont want to seem like a snob, but this is a ring I have to wear for the rest of my life. Is it wrong to not be satisfied with it? It seems more like a ring that my mom would give me for my birthday or for a Christmas present. I would like to see pictures of your engagement rings, to see honestly how many of you have rings like this. And I choose this user name, because I have a popular user name on plenty of sites and I dont want any friends or the boyfriend finding this, I have never been to this site other than today. I never said anything about the price, I dont know how much it even cost. It is just in my opinion to simple for a ring that says Hey I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I feel like none of you have ever been in a situation like this, or possibly never been married. I never thought I would feel like this because honestly I love this guy, I even sat down and told him I think he should take the ring back, because his car just broke down, and we’re having financial problems, and now is just not the time to buy a ring. I told him I dont need a ring to signify our love, but he refused, and actually got mad that I even thought to ask him to take it back for finacial problems.

You could always upgrade later bring it up slowly but surely. I agree with the 5 year plan.

I hope I dont sound like a snob.

Oops! How can you not sound like a snob if your complaints are that the diamond is too small and the ring is too simple? You had a bigger promise ring in the past? Well, maybe you should go find that guy and marry him.

If he can’t afford a ring you approve of, he should wait until he can to propose? Wow. To be honest, I’m not sure you deserve this ring you hate.

Newsflash: If you think marriage is about the ring, you shouldn’t be getting married.

How old are you? This sounds like the complaint of a very young person with very misplaced priorities.

Now, I agree that you shouldn’t spend money on a wedding if you are financially strapped and that you shouldn’t rush marriage just because you’re pregnant (what is this? The 1800’s?), but that’s not what you’re asking here.

@glitterpopglam Just to clarify, many of the members who have posted so far have been engaged and/or married.

Here is the challenge as I see it. The two of you are experiencing financial woes and would benefit from the money currently put towards the ring. You suggested that the ring be returned because, a.) the money could be more practically spent, and b.) you don’t like it. Now your fiance is insisting that you keep it.

It’s time to have a heart-to-heart discussion with him. An engagement ring will mean little in the long haul. It’s value could pay for car repairs, or down the road, items for the baby, such as diapers. It’s all about communication and financial responsibility, isn’t it? Those are two of the key factors in a successful relationship.

It’s okay that you don’t like the ring. What’s tripping some judgmental responses here is the comments about it not looking like an engagement ring, having another that was larger, and it not being a decent ring. It comes across as an opinionated statement on what an engagement ring should look like. My sister received one from her husband that was unique and wasn’t thrilled with it at first. My fiance gave me an eternity ring because, “This is forever.” Caught off-guard at first by the nontraditional styles, we now both love our rings. Even when my sister’s husband wanted to upgrade her diamond, she said, “No, I love the one you bought me.” Our other sister stopped wearing her wedding ring as the diamond didn’t suit her lifestyle (too big). She substituted it for her mother-in-law’s simple gold band.

So you see? It’s not what’s in the ring. It’s about valuing the future that you two have together. It’s about supporting each other and the children that rely on the two of you.

Many if not most of us (those who are old enough, anyway, because there are a lot of young people here, too, who aren’t even old enough to consider marriage yet) have been married*, and most of us take non-traditional approaches to one thing or another, whether it’s the idea of marriage itself, the “traditional” sequence of marry, then get pregnant, etc., or who-can-marry-whom, among very many other non-marriage-related aspects of life.

*Or had long-term relationships with significant others that are close enough to have been considered equal to marriage.

You, yourself, have foregone the traditional idea of waiting until marriage to get pregnant. Bully for you.

So here’s another counter-cultural idea for you to consider: Why do you need to have your love symbolized by jewelry in the first place? Why buy into others’ ideas of how big and showy – and how expensive – your engagement ring should be?

This is an excellent time, as I tried to suggest in a shorter post earlier, to sit down with your guy and decide what is important in your lives and work together toward those important goals.

And if either or both of you obstinately decide that “it’s the ring, baby”, then heaven help you both, and that poor child you’ll be raising in poverty, and with his or her own warped ideas of what is important in life.

In that sense, it’s a great question. Let’s see how great the two of you can answer it.

I had been with my bf for almost 4 years and we talked about getting married after I finished grad school, but I found out I was pregnant a couple days after it started. I didn’t feel that we “needed to be married” because we were having a baby, and I gave him time alone to consider if that was what he really wanted. He decided that he did.

Knowing that we were broke, I refused any sort of fancy rings and we bought simple wedding bands at Sears that we really liked. We then took a long weekend and scenic drive to a state where it was quick and easy to get married and eloped with the blessings of our families. $20 for the license, $20 for the officiant and gas. My mother let me use her credit card for the hotel and meals as a gift.

After the baby was born, I lost the ring because it was loose. Coincidentally, I inherited a ring from my grandmother’s best friend (she didn’t have children). I had it reset into a solitaire and wedding band. The were also fairly plain, and the solitaire caught on things as I went through my day; so I wouldn’t say they were my first choice. But I didn’t care. It wasn’t about a trinket, it was about our family.

I was also going to suggest returning the ring so he could pay for car repairs, but I see he’s already disagreed with that. Therefore, you have 2 choices: 1) Tell him the truth, which I believe a husband and wife should always do, and discuss why each of you is giving a bauble such importance; or 2) suck it up and focus on being healthy and fiscally responsible, and maybe some day you’ll be able to upgrade as others have done.

@nikipedia It is not just about the money. The OP wrote that she asked him to take it back because the car is more of a necessity. Can we give her some credit for that. I identify with the OP in that I did not want a ring that had a very smal diamond, I would rather have nothing, or just the wedding band once married.

The way I see it, from a financial standpoint, soending money on a ring is a bigger waste of money than just waiting until I can afford the ring I really like. Trading up later will still probably mean lost money, because you don’t sell the ring for what you bought it for usually, although gold and diamonds do seem to be holding their value and appreciating right now.

@glitterpopglam Why is it so important to your boyfriend you wear a ring? Maybe ask him that so you can get to the root of how he feels about it.

I would save the money of the engagement ring and buy a nice crib and things for the baby instead. It isn’t that you sound like a snob, but your feet don’t exactly sound like they are firmly planted on the ground. Let me just tell you from my experience, you may tire the the man who fathered your child, eventually, but you will be a mom for the rest of your life, (fates willing.) You need to think a bit more in practical terms now.

I can’t judge your ring, only you know for sure if you should accept a ring that you don’t like and a man who gave you the ring in hopes of marrying you. All I can do is tell you my story. My husband asked me to marry him and presented a $10 sterling silver plain band. I was delighted and said absolutely yes, because he is the man I love above all others, and he could have proposed with a plastic ring from a gumball machine and I still would have been just as thrilled. There comes a time when you realize that fairy tales about perfect rings and glass slippers are sort of like a dream, and the man standing there before you is real. If the ring is more important than the man, maybe it is not time to get married, or not the right man to marry.

Also, this is something to consider.

@laureth I was thinking of that same article when reading this question, but couldn’t remember who published it. Thanks for the link! It’s something every man and woman should read.

Also, it’s important to realize that you don’t have to wear your engagement ring for the rest of your life. I wore mine between the engagement (February) and the wedding (June), and I don’t think I’ve worn it since – that place has been taken by the plain gold wedding band.

Well, I would like to thank you all for your responses and update you all. I talked to my boyfriend last night as I said on here earlier about taking the ring back because we honestly don’t have the money for it. He spent $300 dollars on it and literally 20 mins after he gave it to me his car broke down. We don’t have the money to even fix his car so we have to wait. I suggested to him that he take the ring back and use the money for his car because we don’t need the ring, but we need his car. He refused to take it back because he said that its a symbol of our love. I know it was sweet for him to say that but its not the mature thing to do in my opinion. The ring is on my pinky because he didn’t get the right size, which also bothers me because he told me he got the standard 6.5 but I told him my fingers were bigger than average

I know it’s not my place to judge, but it sounds like you did the thing that would make you happiest in the long run. :)

Just to add, kind of latching onto @laureth‘s statement, but not wanting to put words in her mouth, because I am going to put my own spin on it. I think there is a difference between having a gumball ring, or even a $10 sterling silver ring or having a $300 diamond ring. It’s fine if the gumball ring is worth $1. It’s also fine if a silver ring is worth $10. But getting a diamond ring worth $300, I can understand why you prefer to wait and get a diamond you like later. I personally love a lot of little diamonds, I am not a big solitaire person, but either way, the ring I would pick would definitely be worth more than $300 if I went for a diamond ring. Good for you for putting rational thought to your finances before material symbols. Maybe get a simple $10—$20 band for now if he wants you to have a ring, so you have something.

To me, what makes people engaged to be married is having a wedding date, not a piece of jewelry.

Here I am again, but I would like to tell you all that he agreed to make this my promise ring!!! He said he didn’t put as much thought into it as he should have, and he kind of just picked out the first thing he saw on ebay. It is 1/8 of a carat, and I am happy to have a guy that was thinking of me and even thought to buy me a diamond, when we are going through these problems. I guess I just felt like for an engagement ring it didn’t feel as special as I would have hoped. Since I am not having a wedding, I guess I just thought my engagement ring would be the speical thing. We both agreed to have no wedding, no parties, nothing, which I am fine with.

@glitterpopglam Oy. So now you have a $300 promise ring you didn’t need? Seems like a big waste of money. From Ebay so you can’t return it. I have sort of defended you, but just going back to my original answer, you both need to not spend any money without discussing it with each other and planning. You don’t have the money for extravagant spending. You don’t have the money for surprise gifts that cost money.

I agree with you JLeslie, but he can’t return it and he wanted me to have it. I think you are right about us not spending money, and personally I would have rather him waited to do this in the first place. I feel like it wasnt the brightest idea of his to go out and spend money on a ring, we have been together for 2 years and there was no reason that it couldnt have waited. But what other options are there, he cant return this ring (which in my opinion is crazy to get something like a ring with no option to return it) and no pawn shop will even give us half of the value of it.

@glitterpopglam I guess you could try to sell it on ebay. Really, buying a diamond on ebay, I mean you would have no idea of the quality, just not a great idea. But, I guess since it is fairly inexpensive for a ring, he wasn’t really thinking about the quality of the diamond. How old are you both? Sounds like you are fairly young, so learning as you go. He was just trying to make you happy probably. I don’t mean you were demanding anything, only he wanted to please you, which is sweet if that is the case.

Honestly, I think you should call it your engagement ring. Or, at least call yourselves engaged, even if you don’t call that ring your engagement ring. He proposed, you accepted, you are going to get married right? If you are going to wear it, you might as well not insult him by not calling yourselves engaged if you are.

The people above who said eventually you will get a different ring are absolutely right. Many many couples get new rings over time. My husband and I have “new” matching rings we wear sometimes, we bought them a few years ago. I inherited my great grandma’s engagment ring a couple years ago and I love it! I wear that sometimes. I have the ring my husband bought me several years ago I mentioned above. I never wear the original zirconia ring anymore, but I do still wear our original wedding band from when I got married, and I still love it, no diamonds, he has the matching ring.

A ring is a promise. To love you and care for you for eternity. That is priceless :)