My brother has galvanized my friends to launch a Spanish Inquisition into my life!

You just have to write to him and tell him that he needs to butt out of your life. If you want to preserve the relationship, you can explain as you did here why you are doing it, but if you just want him not to interfere, you can just say that.

Tell him you love him, you haven’t abandoned him, but if he continues this emotional blackmail, you will delete him from your life for the time being. You need time to heal and this is your way of doing it.

This is his problem. Tell him to get some grief counselling. I moved abroad at the tender age of 19 and some of my siblings had some real issues with it. Thankfully, it was before the age of Facebook.

You are a grown woman, leading your life in a very responsible way. Tell him if he has problems or doubts, he should come visit you and see how well you are doing.

I’m sorry you are going through this. “Emotional blackmail” is a very good way to put what your brother is doing. It’s incredibly immature. Sounds like he’s codependent. He’s 33 and crying himself to sleep every night because his younger sister is pursuing her career out of the country? He might very well be jealous that you are doing well for yourself, and that’s why he has convinced himself that your boyfriend has brainwashed you and you don’t actually know what you want. Maybe he has never dealt with his grief, and he expects you to be his crutch. But you can’t do that, and you need to tell him this very explicitly. Sounds like he needs a kick in the pants.

At an age where it’s become acceptable for Westerners to still not act like adults and know what they want in their lives, it sounds like you are doing incredibly well for yourself. Don’t let your brother’s codependence make you second-guess your choices.

Based on how you write and structure your thoughts, and the things you talk about and how you talk of them, I think you will do fine without my help on the matter.

I know I am only getting your side of the story, and there could be more to it, but from what you have said here, my advice is to just keep doing what you are doing.

Also, I would suggest that you just be more blunt with them, actually tell them “If you’re not going to pay my bills, give me a place to live and rebuild my life then you have no standing.” and maybe also add that they should fuck off. Maybe even block them so they can’t bother you.

I find it interesting, that you say you have been to Europe. There is not any racism towards Hispanics by any chance is there?

Reading about what you have now, about your finances and being happy and that, I can only assume that these people who want to take that from you, are either monsters or mistaken some how.

I totally understand his concerns. If my younger sister moved to South America with a hypothetical boyfriend soon after the hypothetical death of our mother, I’d probably be wondering the same thing about what the boyfriend was up to. Your brother loves you very much, and his concern comes from love, not anger, so be thankful for having that unconditional brotherly love in your life.

What he needs is reassurance that you’re not brainwashed, and that your decision is well-grounded in establishing your financial future. Would it be possible for him to come visit you there at some point later in the year (maybe to celebrate your mom’s bithday together)? Perhaps you could both split the cost of the ticket. It would give him something to look forward to, help with the healing process, and he could see that you’re living a happy brainwash-free life.

I am concerned about your financial goals however. 5k over 2 years is only $208/month. Surely you could easily save this much in the USA just by moving to a cheaper state?

In my opinion, your brother is way out of line in having any kind of issue with you and your boyfriend being on a life adventure like this. I really admire people who don’t just “play it safe” by staying in their home country or city just because they are familiar with the highway system, or know where to find the closest McDonald’s.

You sound like a very clear-thinking and intelligent young woman who shouldn’t have to explain herself to anybody.

If others are able to see us after we’ve lost them, I’m guessing that your mother is looking toward South America and saying:

“Good for you…”
.

You are very articulate in your defense of your actions.

Tell your brother he is trying to be controlling like your father and you won’t have it. Tell him to focus on his own life and leave you alone or you will cut off contact with him. You could invite him to come and visit you and see for himself that you are settled and stable.

As to those Facebook friends who participated. give them one chance to be your friend and come around or unfriend them and cut them off.

You have enough on your plate as you try to recraft your life without dealing with all that negative energy.

Stay strong.

When you live long distance it’s easy to cling to the last conversations and think that everything is the same way it was during the last conversation. I remember being concerned that you were being controlled and manipulated because of a question you asked a few months ago.
Just try to reassure him. It sounds like you are finally coming to grips with your mothers death and you have found a place where you can heal.
Sibblings sometimes drift apart. That’s just life. I hope you can maintain a relationship but you need to work on your own mental health right now.

The things you are celebrating in your current life sound healthy and nurturing, mazel-tov!

But, for one thing, your brother has absolutely no right to speak for your mother.
That’s completely disrespectful of your mother despite the irony of him claiming his interference is on her behalf.
It’s also plenty slimey of him to encourage your friends to interfere.

Ask him what does he really want, and maybe what really bothers him about you living outside the U.S.
It may in fact be that he misses you and can’t figure out how to say that.
Tell him you love him anyway and when he’s ready to treat you like an adult you can put your sibling relationship back in gear.

Your brother is way off base in trying to control your life. You have control over what you want to do about it. I, personally, would thank him for his concern, but ask him to stop harassing you. Getting your friends in on it, is very manipulative. If he continues, tell him you won’t respond and that when he recognizes that you are your own person, you’ll be happy to reconnect. Meanwhile just send short notes about what’s going on in your life. Be pattient. He’s the one acting like a child

Tell them to go fuck themselves and enjoy your life.

¡Buena suerte!

If you’re looking for reassurance that what you’re doing really IS OK, well, it is, IMO. You sound like a very together person. Perhaps your brother is jealous? (I know I am! : ) You know him…what other motivations could he have?

I agree with @bob_ ”¡Buena suerte!” (whatever that means.)

Show him this question. What you wrote above is very eloquent and convincing, so maybe it’ll do the trick.

Yes. Invite him here and we will pounce on him, over and over and over until he sees the light!

Your brother had just lost a mother and now is losing a sister, in his view.
He is in need of family and you are it.
People adjust to tragedy differently, you by moving away, his by pulling you in closer and talking etc.
Perhaps talk to a counsellor on your end on how best to help him through this.
As he is not coping to well at the moment.

Without knowing you at all – I can still heartily say that I think living abroad is an experience nearly every 24-year-old should have. As the others above have said – keep on with what you’re doing—sounds like it’s working well for you.

You should be proud that you’ve found your footing and are have a good support system via your boyfriend and his family. If/when that changes you can always go back to NYC. (And in the meantime if you manage to make/save some money while you’re there – bonus!). It’s too bad your brother is missing you – but it sounds to me like he:
a) doesn’t know you and/or your boyfriend well enough (if he thinks you’ve been brainwashed)
b) might be a wee-bit jealous (he doesn’t know what your life/financial details are..so his curiosity/concern for you as a sibling may be coming out as “distrust”..or at least appearing that way..)
c) is a bit immature? Your brother has to gang up on you on FB? He can’t just pick up the phone and call and ask how you’re doing? He can’t just write a nice private email or letter telling you his concerns? Sounds like he went overboard and was childish in his approach of trying to get other friends involved in questioning your move to South America.

So, if your brother or friends go asking questions – just be upfront with them.
“Hey, I’m here – I’m doing as well as can be expected and no, I’m not running from my grief—I’m enjoying a change in locale that suits me, my finances and my current desires in life really well. Come visit or write lots – but know that I’m happy here, OK?”

I’m really surprised that nobody seems to really see things from the brother’s perspective. Yes, what he did was wrong and inappropriate, but if you see it from the perspective of someone who actually believes that his little sister has become brainwashed by some dude he doesn’t know very well at a time in her life when she’s very vulnerable, I could totally see how he could overreact and think the worst has happened (think intervention with a drug addict). In that context, what he did makes perfect sense.

Another way to understand this is to flip the question around. What if this question was from the brother and it went like this:

“Please help! My younger sister has just relocated to a 3rd world country in South America with her boyfriend she’s been fighting with and is really vulnerable (mentally/emotionally) following the death of our mother. What can I do to make sure she’s safe and not brainwashed or being abducted?”

How would we answer that?

Maybe it’s just because I’m an older brother and I’d go to the ends of the world and back if I thought my sister was in trouble, but I totally see where his fears are coming from (even if they’re misguided). I think he just needs to know and understand that you’re genuinely safe and happy.

Given your ages and your independence, I don’t understand why you are even asking the question. You are a big girl with your own life to live. Do just that. Tell your brother if he wants to be supportive of your choices you will maintain a relationship with him, otherwise to let you alone. You can choose your friends but you are stuck with family, however how much influence they have on your life is up to you.

Have you thought of inviting your brother for a visit? That would show that you still care for him, allow for some family bonding, and give you a chance to show how you have made a life for yourself.

I still say that this question and especially this question indicate that he might have some reason for concern. If he spoke to you during those times I can see why he would be concerned.
He’s not right there to see that your situation has changed since his last encounter.
It’s not right to galvanize your friends in a frenzy, but look at it from his point of view. He’s worried about you. He needs some reassurance. I’m not saying to cave in to his requests, just to realize he’s not an asshole and approach him with some compassion.

Oh, good catch @Judi. That does put things in a different light.

@Judi I am feeling much better since then. I have no more contact with my father and as for my boyfriend, that was an isolated problem. He was also present when my mom was sick and dying and it put A LOT of stress on both of us. Generally we have a great relationship and he has recognized the error of his ways and hasn´t done anything of the sort since. If he did, he would never hear the end of it from me. But we love each other very much, have a low stress partnership, and mostly enjoy eachother´s company. Trust me.

@gorillapaws Ecuador is not a third world country and is very beautiful indeed. Quito especially is developing rapidly and I have many amenities at my disposal. I live in a nice neighborhood, have quality healthcare and am gainfully employed. Compared to almost starving in NYC while working 60 hours a week, it sometimes feels like paradise.

My brother is being codependent and manipulative. I know he loves me and misses me but he has a lot of problems of his own and needs to focus on them instead of worrying about his adult sister. Saying that I´m the only thing that reminds him of our mother then trying to speak for her is manipulative, needy and disrespectufl to her. She raised us to be tough and independent, not needy and weak. That said, I love my brother dearly and don´t want him to worry about me. I wish he could come visit and see for himself but I don´t think he can anytime soon.

He has a good relationship with my boyfriend but it´s my friends who generally don´t like ANYONE I date. Many of my friends, I´ve known since I was a child and they sometimes overstep their boundaries. In many ways, I´m glad to have such close personal friendships but the one downfall is that they sometimes get possessive and prying into personal manners, like asking me if my signifcant other and I share a bank account.

I find it insulting that anyone would even consider that I´m being brainwashed or having my arm twisted. I´m a savvy, assertive person with an IQ in the low 140s. I´ve lived alone and traveled alone and have never been dependent on a man for anything. My relationhship isn´t perfect but it´s good and it´s mine.

One thing my mother always said was that my brother has a ¨White Knight¨ complex in that he always wants to save people. He always falls in love with dysfunctional, unavailable women and makes projects of them. This tendency has gotten him into trouble more than once. I however, do not need to be saved and am doing fine where I am.

@LeavesNoTrace Most of that sounds like just what you should say to your bro.

@LeavesNoTrace, I don’t doubt you one bit, I am just saying that if your brother is relying on old information, in HIS mind his worries are valid.