Is it really ALL about the way I look?

Hate to say it but, yeah. Especially if you are young. If the anti-depressants aren’t working, try a thing called 5-htp- I was given antidepressants, they didn’t work for me, but this does. It’s a natural herbal supplement. Being over weight ( I just lost about 10 kilo) is very uncomfortable. Try walking, ( it works!), get the depression under control, and get going. If you have access to medical care, try to get another assessment. Good luck. I have been there.

I am glad to see you back here @nebule but it isn’t all about the way you look. 18 months and three stones ago you weren’t happy with yourself either. But you should try to lose weight. Make it a mission. I think exercise is the way to go. It is very difficult to get started with regular walking, swimming or cycling but as you become fitter it becomes easier. Don’t worry so much about the eating and drinking but focus on the exercise. You will start to feel happier within yourself I’m sure but it won’t be easy, especially to begin with.

The photo in your avatar suggests to me a woman with a wicked sense of humour and an easy smile. That person is still you. You’ve just got some extra padding. Still, that padding really can make us feel less valuable and less beautiful. I hope you can speak to your doctor about the medication you’re on and see if they can perhaps give you something else if you don’t feel it’s helping you feel better. If you can get your depression under control you are much more likely to feel you can commit to a sensible eating regime and to doing more exercise.

I definitely don’t think it’s all about the extra weight, but it sure doesn’t help when you’re already battling depression and anxiety. I don’t have the answer, but here are things I’d try:

Talk to your doctor about switching medications. Finding the right one(s) will do you a world of good! When you feel a bit better mentally, it’s much easier to tackle other issues.

Start going for walks outside and taking your son to a park where you can play, too. Swing on the swings, run around with him, and get some sunshine. Don’t focus on weight/exercise while you’re doing these things, make it about daydreaming while you’re walking and having fun with your son while playing. Both the movement and the sunshine should help.

Lastly, do try to learn to love yourself no matter what size you are. You are intrinsically worthy. Never forget it!

Also, {hugs}.

It’s not how you look, but how you feel. And, quite frankly, having gained that much weight you won’t feel good just being in your body. Having that much extra weight (I’ve been there) makes it harder to move and uncomfortable doing simple things.

And drinking wine while you are on meds doesn’t help the depression and it doesn’t help you.

You don’t need to lose 3 stone this week. But you will feel so much better if you stop doing a couple of things:

1. Stop drinking all the wine. A small glass with dinner (small) and that’s it.
2. Stop eating comfort food, and begin eating nothing but healthy foods. Cut out the breads and pastries, no potatoes or rice or pasta. Just vegetables and protein, fresh fruit. No sugar at all, no diet drinks, no soda.
3. Walk around the block everyday, no matter what the weather. As you gain stamina walk a little farther. You want to get to where you are walking as briskly as possible for half an hour.

Promise you will do that for yourself for two weeks. You’ll feel better before the two weeks are up. And then you can keep doing it for yourself.

And check in on Fluther. Many of us have been where you are, and we’ll support you.

In my opinion, what was outlined by you is not so much about the way we look and what others might think of us, it is about our health situation in 10, 20, and 30 years from now. Once our weight increases beyond being slightly overweight, the risks increase tremendously.

Maintaining weight after losing weight requires significant permanent life style changes.

I disagree with some of @zenvelo recommendations. Cutting carbs by half can be a good idea, but we need carbs for two reasons: maintaining willpower and healthy brain chemistry (lack of carbs can make you feel sad). It’s all about the amount of calories and filling the entire volume of the stomach.

Many of the symptoms you describe sound like depression. I think there is a chicken and egg situation a little bit, or maybe we should call it a vicious cycle. Your depressed so you have been eating more for comfort and possibly a side effect of the drugs you are taking is increased appetite. As you eat more it makes you feel more sluggish and you are getting heavier, which is depressing to you.

Gaining that much weight is such a huge body change in a not very long time that it is understandable you don’t feel good about yourself. It probably is negatively impacting your health physically and mentally.

Are you going to therapy? That might help.

Have you been getting sunlight? We are coming into to spring and summer in the northern hemisphere, if you are in that part of the world get out in the sun for a bit. If not, take a vacation for a long weekend to a sunny resort. Lack if son, seasonal affective disorder, is a real thing and contributes to depression in many people. Also, do a drastic diet change. 90% veggies and fruits, lots of greens. A little pasta/breed/rice and a little meat if you want. Packing full of vitamins in your food might give you a boost and you will lose weight. I moved to Florida (big injection of sun) three weeks ago, also a big change with my diet, and I lost 5 pounds already without counting calories. I did the diet change because of my cholesterol count, but I am curious to see if it helps my vitamin dificiencies also. Having said all that, making diet changes are extremely difficult when depressed, so I am empathetic to your situation and how difficult it might be.

Moreover, stop drinking completely. If you can’t stop, then that is a problem you must deal with and might change many things if you are addicted and get away from it. With the wine you are most likely self medicating to some extent whether you realize it or not. Not to mention some of the drugs you take might say to not take with alcohol, you should look it up. When medications warns against that, the effect of the alcohol and mediciation together have a synergistic or amplified effect and can be deadly, or cause exaggerated symptoms. Alcohol is a depressant.

Lastly, have you been very lonely? If so, make an effort to make connections with people.

I can understand hating your weight and being uncomfortable in your body. But that does not have to equal hating yourself. You are a bright, funny, good person who is a loving mother and a bright light in the world.

You need to tell yourself that when you look in the mirror. Say the positive affirmations out loud. Persist even if they don’t seem believable.

Then start an exercise program. Walk! It will raise your endorphins as well as help with the weight loss and curb your appetite. Not to mention keeping your out of the wine.

Don’t just try to cut out foods, use an actual program. The South beach diet, the paleo diet, the zone diet are good ones that work. Consider that you are changing your eating lifestyle not “going on a diet.”

Reward yourself for reaching interim goals. Buy a pretty scarf or dress.

Get a weight loss partner. Good luck!

One reason that I decided recently not to go on anti-depressants is that I know how much my lower weight has to do with my self-image and I didn’t want to risk gaining any, It is different for every person but very important to me. Having said that, the weight and self-hatred are probably symptomatic of your depression rather than the cause of it.

I would suggest you find a program you can follow that has a social check-in component, either at your GP’s or something like Weight Watchers. That way you will be monitored and also have to get out and go somewhere. You have the resilience to conquer this and you should for your son’s sake if not your own.

What are you not dealing with in your life? What are you putting on the extra weight and drinking to hide and insulate yourself from? The weight is sometimes a padding to self-protect.

@mattbrowne I am not recommending a full non-carbohydrate diet, just cutting out the “junkie” ones- pastries, potatoes, pasta, breads. It’s the easiest way to control the number of calories without having to out a lot of thought and planning. I should say whole grain breads with complex carbs, and whole grain cereals without added sugar are good too.

I’ve missed you here!
I don’t know your diagnosis, why you are taking the meds, but please don’t quit them without working with your doctor.
Fluther is a great place to realize you have value outside of appearance since no one really knows what you look like and loves you for who you are on the inside and how you express it with words.

@zenvelo – Cutting potatoes and pasta and rice in half is good enough. It’s not necessary to just eat fruit.

Truthfully, nebule, you almost lost me at “three stone”.

Anyway, let me suggest just two very simple things:

- Choose a safe local area which will allow you to walk for 30 minutes every day, and start doing it…....today. Think of it as something very important and necessary to do on a daily basis, just like brushing your teeth.
– Say to yourself “JUST FOR TODAY, I am not drinking any wine”. When you wake up tomorrow, say “Day two. No wine”, and challenge yourself to do this for maybe four days. Then, reward yourself on Day 5 with a few wines, but on the following day, say “JUST FOR TODAY…..”

Don’t weigh yourself every day, or even every week, but try to start noticing if some of your older clothes start feeling more comfortable. They will, and this will greatly motivate you to continue your new habits.

You can do this. ANYONE can do this by being just a little strong.

We are not trying to climb Mt. Everest here….
.

@OneBadApple Actually, many studies support weighing yourself every day to lose weight and keep it off.

Wait, was this a question about how to lose weight? If not, judging by the answers I would say that most people think it IS all about appearance.

@Judi Then you have not paid attention wto what we’re saying. It’s not about appearance, it is about how @nebule feels. And we seem to agree that she would feel better if she cut back on drinking and her eating and exercised a little bit.

What do you generally do to give purpose to your life? If the answer is nothing, you have to find something so that you will see how these other issues interfere with it.
If there is something, then consider that you have lost interest, and thus purpose. In that case, find something else or make it important again.
Finally, exercise. It does not have to be vigorous, simply get up and go for a walk. While you are walking, look at kids playing, people walking their dogs or whatever is out there. The more you engage, the more you will want to engage, and the more you will not want to be your own enemy.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
-Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

@trailsillustrated Hmm the anti-depressant thing – well I went back to the doctor last week, because I have also been experiencing severe anxiety about dying I wake up every day thinking…“Is this going to be my last?..Is that car crash going to happen today? Is today the day that I’m going to find a lump in my breast? Is that one glass of wine going to tip my liver over the edge into liver disease?...etc.” And he agreed to do a physcial MOT on me…blood tests to rule out anything obvious… but he did say that naturally the tendency with these things is to get the blood tests back and think…well, those tests were ok…but what if I have something they haven’t tested me for… BUT I’m trying to deal with that separately. Anyway he did say that if I were to come off the medication I’m currently on he would have to put me on something else…but I’ve already been around the block so to speak…so we should stick with what I’m on at the moment…see how things go…

Well done you on the ten kilo!! I know what you mean about just trying to get the depression under control, but I have a tendency to think…what if it really is all interlinked? I must try walking more…but you know what it’s like when you’re depressed – you don’t want to do anything, least of all leave the house…and particularly when you are feeling and about the way you look and not being able to fit into any clothes… but thank you..I am going to try and get out for a walk at least twice this week…starting small!! :-)

@flutherother Thank you xx It’s nice to be back…I keep coming back and then because of my perfectionism and all or nothing thinking, I think that I have to log on every day and answer all those questions in my ‘questions for you’ and if I don’t do it…I give myself a hard time and just don’t come back at all…for a while… must deal with that too!! God I am a nightmare!

I always want to just forget about food, but to be honest, I did that 18 months ago, thinking that if I stopped obsessing over it I would feel better and here I am… 3 stones heavier. I’ve just started a new job as well, so I’m struggling to juggle everything at the moment and fit everything in, so exercise seems to be the first thing to go! But yes, I’m going to start small and see how it goes. Thank you xx

@nebule My nonprofessional opinion is try another medication. Paranoia is a possible side effect of antidepressants. Some SSRI’s can cause sgnificant anxiety as a side effect. I don’t know if your medication is in that class of medication.

I don’t think you answered if you are in therapy? Is this a psychiatrist prescribing for you or a GP/internist?

Sounds like you are a bit of a perfectionist? Some times perfectionist are also procrastinators and the combination can create a lot of anxiety. I don’t know if that applies to you.

“The photo in your avatar suggests to me a woman with a wicked sense of humour and an easy smile. That person is still you” @Bellatrix Thank you so much, I really need to hear that…I’d love to get her back – she feels a long way from me at the moment. I’m going to print that picture off, write your words under it and stick it above my kettle!!

@JLeslie I’m not in therapy at the moment, I’ve had several years of counselling and more recently a 12 week course of CBT, which did help me…but you know, you need to keep it up, keep writing the thoughts down, challenging them…daily and it’s also difficult to do alone… there are a lot of benefits to having someone else tell you the obvious things that you are missing…or just saying to you – I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. There is a new book out by Paul Gilbert, based on compassionate mindfulness (CBT based) that I’m going to get and see if that helps me too…guide me through the process so to speak… just going to read my son a bedtime story – and I’ll be back!

@nebule This is an aside, but I wonder if your thinking would be clearer if you used full stops rather than ellipses. I’ve known you many years so I hope you don’t take it amiss that I am suggesting it.

@nebule CBT has been shown to be very effective for many people. I personally don’t like that type of therapy for myself. What I wonder, and this is not a criticism, at this point do you already know what the therapist would say? Do you know when you are overly obsessing about something? I think self help books can be very helpful, I am not trying to discourage you from the book nor CBT therapy.

@augustlan Thank you, yes, you are right of course, wise as ever. It’s just how to go about loving myself whatever my size, when everything around me reminds me how discontent I am.

@janbb I do that a lot…I’m (!) pretty sure I use it to emphasize the fact that I’m thinking a lot…and not sure if I stopped doing it that it would stop me from thinking as much. But I’ll give it a try. :-)

@JLeslie I do sometimes know what the therapist would say when I think about it, but more specifically when I write things down, which as I say, can be tricky to discipline myself to do.

@zenvelo That sounds pretty dramatic..very strict and I know that I would fall at the first hurdle. But I understand your sentiment, no doubt I would feel better if I did that…if I managed to do that… but I wouldn’t, this I know :-/ It is also about how I feel, you are spot on.

@mattbrowne Yes, as I indicated in one of my posts above, the health issue is also a factor, but I’m not sure it (health) would be as motivating if I was four sizes smaller…which isn’t necessarily right of course.

Are you in a relationship? A relationship can either ruin you, or boost your self esteem.

Anyway, starting intensive working out etc. right away is not going to help, you first need to do things that are going to take your mind off of this situation, forget the meds, just distract yourself all the time if you have to. You can start by eating healthy as well.

Your face is extremely pretty, so you can at least be happy about that!!

Here is the story of a girl I found online; you might find her story useful.
Apparently from what I’ve read she’s become a fitness expert, she has nice recipes etc.

@JLeslie in response to your longer post…I’m catching up! all your advice heard and understood :-)

@marinelife Thank you hun x I’ll try the affirmations

@janbb I’m currently going to weight watchers. I’m not sure if that “do it for someone else if not for yourself” thing really washes with me. I put my son first all the time, it’s not really relevant here. He couldn’t care less whether I’m three stone lighter..but it’s not all about what he thinks… is it really.

@bkcunningham probably a lot of things that are either a) too difficult to face or b) things I have faced and they are too difficult to change, if change is possible at all. Good question. Although I’m not sure about this insulating thing, I’ve never understood, why on earth one would want to pad oneself out and clearly make oneself bigger for the world to see; more self-conscious, more evident pain, more visible insecurities – when that is exactly the thing one is trying to avoid. Perplexing.

@judi Yes, it could be interpreted that way couldn’t it? I think though what @zenvelo says is right to some degree…it is also about how I feel, of course it is. But are those feelings for the most part, an effect of how I look i.e. I feel bad because I look bad… or I feel bad because I ‘mentally’ feel bad (which could also be interpreted as “I feel bad, because I feel mentally bad, because I hate the way I look and feel” easy to see how this could be a catch 22 huh??!! So, stop drinking and eating and doing all those things that make you feel GREAT in the moment and give you some relief from the internal pain…and start doing things that require a lot of self-belief and motivation and gumption…. which only fleetingly appears… it’s tough.

@OneBadApple Thank you for your advice. I can’t actually start walking today as my son is in bed and I’m alone, so that wouldn’t be wise ;-) But! as I’ve already said, I will start walking more and I like your idea about the wine…makes me feel a little less like the alcoholic I’m beginning to feel like after reading all these posts! sat here drinking tea

@josie Purpose. Interesting point. I have lost a lot of purpose actually. I finished a degree, that was pretty much worthless in terms of my career…I learned a lot but have forgotten most of it because I’m not practising it. I have no money or access to funds to continue my studies. I’ve just got a job (yay!), where I feel like the scum of earth (boo). It has got nothing to do with where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Which would be ok if I knew where I want to go. But I don’t, not properly…and even if I did I don’t have the funds to get me there. Because everything costs money – oh yes it does. I do voluntary work too – that doesn’t make me feel any better, even though I’m supposed to be helping people… crikey, I am really messed up at the moment. skulks off to make more tea and stop whining!

@nebule I know you have to do it for yourself and he probably doesn’t care about your weight at all but if you are depressed, he can feel the effects. I am not in any way at all suggesting you are a bad mother, I know that is not true.

sorry. I think I’m just snarky today.

@Luiveton Thank you, I’ll have a read of that after I’ve made my tea and thank you for your compliment x I do think I look rather pretty in that picture :-) I read books, that is what I do to make me feel better…and I try to counsel myself…I really do try hard at everything I do, even myself…managing myself… maybe it’s time to let go of the oars! (stop trying so hard)

@janbb I know he feels the effects, which does make me feel like a bad mother, even though I know I’m not and I know that isn’t what you meant…but everyone these days is so quick to tell parents how much they say, do and feel affects their kids, that it is a constant source of how to beat myself up automatically when these things are mentioned, because I’m always questioning how I’m doing as a parent. x

@nebule I’m sorry then. I was just suggesting it as an extra motivator, not as an another stick but I understand your point.

@Judi I think you raised a valid point! I was trying to say how it appears to me that it’s all wrapped up in the same thing and yes, everyone’s comments could be interpreted that way; get off your fat butt and you’ll feel better because you’ll be doing something and not eating and drinking…and you’ll look better too… or was that the other way round..? (not that anyone here would call my butt fat ;-) )hee hee x

If you have a little one small enough to have a bedtime story, your extra stones could have something to do with the pregnancy. I’m not trying to help you find an excuse, it is a reality. I’m also pretty sure the baby blues could be exasperating your depression.

I wish you could see yourself through your little one’s eyes. I’m sure you are flawless to your child. The best thing since sliced bread. It’‘s true and your babe is very wish and knows truths we can’t comprehend. Best wishes to you beautiful. ((((HUGS)))

@bkcunningham Hee hee, he’s six years old, but I still read to him (we’re doing the BFG, Roald Dahl at the moment) Thank you for all your kind words xx Battery on laptop is about to die and as I’m in bed and the charger is downstairs I’m taking the opportunity to get some reading in and an early night. Thanks again xx

You are allowed to use having a baby as a reason for the spread in your hips, the roundness of your breasts and the softness of your belly forever. Anyone who tells you different is a liar. Sweet dreams.

@JLeslie: Thanks for your comment, but just as many studies say to NOT weigh yourself every day. Many people see that they haven’t lost (or maybe even gained) weight in two or three days, and they immediately become discouraged, then use this as an excuse to quit trying…
.

@nebule Weight-gain and depression form such a vicious cycle, don’t you think? You don’t feel good about yourself, so you gain. Then, you feel even worse—with every item of clothing that gets too tight, more of your self-esteem erodes—and you gain even more weight. And feel worse…

I do hope you can find the motivation to break the cycle—restrict your eating while incorporating exercise into your daily routine. I’ll be thinking of you and cheering you on from afar.

I agree with @OneBadApple; I’ve never weighed myself every day. I’ve had great success stepping on the scale bi-weekly and no more often than that. The first ⅓ stone of “weight loss” doesn’t even count—it’s just an initial release of bloat plus the effects of having less food in your digestive system—and you’ll need to push through and beyond that phase. Also, normal, day-to-day fluctuations can be very discouraging.

For me, a daily weigh-in is essential so it’s really a matter of what works for you.

@JLeslie and @OneBadApple, I heard that you should weigh every day for maintenance and once a week (or even 2 weeks) for weight loss.
When you are trying to maintain weighing every day (or several times a day) helps you stay in touch with your bodies natural fluctuations and you will be able to modify your activity or eating habits if you notice a change.

I think it’s more about health than how one looks. Some larger people wear their weight well (focus on slimmer waist line) for healthier heart. Health is both physical and mental. It’s not all about how you look, I know people like that and really, they are a sad boring bunch. You sound vivacious and fun. That’s what it is all about.

@Judi Could be. Now that you mention it, the study I read was about maintaining weght loss. For myself, weighing every day is the best way for me to lose and keep of weight. It for sure varies by individual, the studies are making conclusions based on statistics for what worked for the majority of people, it doesn’t mean it is true for everyone of course. My main point would be, it’s different for different people, they OP, and everyone finds their own formula.

@bkcunningham you’re such a charmer! ;-) lovely words to hear!

@OneBadApple and @JLeslie The weighing every day thing is a tricky one for me personally. I think all too often that it will be encouraging if I’ve lost or a kick up the backside if I haven’t… what tends to happen though in reality is that IF I’ve been good the previous day and I’ve lost, it’s spurs me on (sometimes) but other times I relax a little and eat a bit more (after all I’ve lost weight!) IF I’ve been good and I put on then I eat bad food and rebel being in the height of anger… IF I’ve been bad the day before and still lost weight… well then it encourages me to be bad…if I’ve been bad and I put on weight, I’m cross with myself anyway and then beat myself up by eating more… SO it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that for me it isn’t a good idea to weigh myself regularly…there’s a slim chance that it will make me feel better (given that I more often that not have bad days). deep breath, glad I sorted that one out in my head, I’m sure it could be expressed as an equation much more succinctly and make more sense

@LornaLove Thank you..I actually read your post this morning before I went to work and those words vivacious and fun rang in my ears pleasantly all day… it made a big difference, so thank you, again. x

@janbb surely you don’t need to watch your weight. You look amazing!! :-) xx

@nebule Thanks! I’ve never been more than 10 -20 pounds overweight but if I don’t watch carefully how much I eat, I can start slipping up. I’m very active – particularly since the split – but I’m also careful about how much I eat.

…Day 3: no wine :-) x

@nebule Yay you!

Excellent!

Cheers! Oh, no. That may not have been the appropriate thing to say. jk You really are a strong and beautiful person, @nebule. I’m very, very proud of you.

Today I bought a new lipstick (not that it’s about my looks at all – I think it was the meaning of doing that that just made me feel better!) instead of a cake… Progress!! :-) xx I can’t thank you all enough for your comments on this thread xxx and thanks @bkcunningham so very much xx

Well done, @nebule! Sounds like you’re on your way to feeling better about things. :)

Thank you @augustlan We have our good days and not so good days… my sister is coming round tonight with wine but I’ve eaten pretty sensibly today and did some weights and Wii fit with my son earlier and feel like, “well ya gotta live haven’t ya”. I’m still struggling with the way I look but remind myself daily that I’m OK and just need to keep the end goal in sight whilst being realistic with what is possible today.

Weight gain is on of several diagnostic criteria for depression. In other words, depression is diagnosed by a combination of things such as sleep problems, decreased pleasure from activities normally enjoyed, appetite problems, weight gain among others.

Dirt advice is not my forte, but I urge you to see your doctor if you are already under treatment with medication for depression or your therapist if you have one. If you have neither and you can, I urge you to see a psychologist, especially one experienced in cognitive behaviour therapy. Once you have benefitted from such treatment, you will find getting your eating and drinking under better control and your weight will soon be no problem.