If your marriage started out this way...

First, hugs.

From the few words you have written here, you have been brazenly lied to and manipulated. I cannot offer advice. I only have a notion of what I would do myself, and that is leave. It would be difficult and traumatic, but I would get out.

My thoughts: he’s no good.

Oh @kitszu. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is an enormous breach of trust and honesty from your husband. Did you know he had been married and thought he was divorced?

I really think the only way to get passed such a lack of honesty is to seek some counselling with someone you can speak to about your feelings and figure out what you want to do from this point. Personally, I don’t know if I could get passed such a lie but I’m not suggesting for a second that you can’t or shouldn’t try. I do think you need to look after yourself right now and that means seeking some help.

I also think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get some distance between you and him so you can think and cry and figure out what you want to do from here. Do you have a friend or a family member you can go to, so you are in a nurturing environment? I just mean to give you some headspace to figure out what you want.

I wish I could give you a big hug. You must be feeling truly destroyed and completely baffled right now.

@Hawaii_Jake That sucks, cause I should have known better and some part of me did and wasn’t strong enough to walk away before hand. You’re saying that knowing only part of the story and that makes it even worse because I know all of it and I still can’t find the strength to do it and I married him.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. He lied to you. You didn’t do the wrong thing here. You trusted someone you love and they treated you appallingly. I doubt there is a person out there who hasn’t at some point, because they care for the other party, ignored that voice that’s saying something isn’t right. You will survive this and you’ll learn about yourself and gain strength because of it.

Right now, call your mum or your sister or your best friend and ask if you can stay there until you can clear your head. I doubt you will be able to figure out how you feel or what you want to do while you’re there with him. I suspect you won’t be able to see the ‘wood for the trees’ because you are so emotional about the situation and rightly so.

I’m having trouble understanding.

Was he still married when you married him?

How could you have a honeymoon and (then?) a reception and finally a wedding?

It sounds dreadful but I am not sure of the sequence of events.

Are you legally married to this guy now?

I believe you have grounds for an annulment and I’d go for it if I were you. But I’m not, and you have to decide to be strong or stay in a marriage in which you have a very good reason not to trust your husband. Find someone reliable to help you think it through face to face.. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Thank you @Bellatrix I’m on my own here, that’s good, better for me. I’m on my own in general, though. He did this to me before, which is why I’m an idiot. Six months into us dating I found out he was separated not divorced like he had led me to believe. He told me he had finalized the divorce before I moved here to be with him, and when it came time for the legal stuff “he couldn’t find papers”. I don’t have anywhere else to go…I’ve just been trying to sit on this long enough to try bury it and that’s not going very well.

Are you in his home? It’s up to you, but if you can go somewhere to be away from him so you can think, I would do it.

We make mistakes @kitszu. I agree with @Sunny2, you have to have grounds for an annulment. Legal advice is also something you should check into.

@gailcalled He finalized his divorce three days before we went on our “honey-moon”. The plan was to get ‘legally’ married, go on our honey-moon where we would say our own vows to each other in a place that was special to both of us and then come back and share all of this with our family and very close friends.

OK. I understand that. What actually happened? Is “legally” married different from legally married? Are you actually married.

@gailcalled I’m sorry I’m a mess right now. Yes, we are now married on the books. I was married the day we said our vows at our place.

I think this is indicative of his character and really tells you what you’re in for. Can you get an annulment? I would. He has really deceived you.

Yeah, I know that. Tell me why I can’t convince myself to do it. I don’t have anywhere else to go down here and I do not want to go back where I came from.

Benefit of the doubt, and knowing how differently people can see a situation; Maybe he did think of himself as divorced and it was only technicalities to settle before he could be with the his love (you).

I see how you see it as deception, but are you happy to be married to him? Do you love him? Do you believe in his love for you?

Address it directly. Go to a counselor for mediation.

You wanted to marry him, Get an impartial party to help you through this.

Oh, goodness. What a mess! First things first…have you told him that you know? What does he have to say about all this? Though it seems unlikely, it could be the case that he thought his divorce was final, and was surprised to find that it wasn’t at the last minute. Not wanting you to worry unduly, he might have withheld the info from you.

If you know that’s not the case, then this is (at least) strike two on the honesty front and it’s a very serious lie. Annulment does seem like the best course.

Right now, you’re in a fragile place emotionally and it’s understandable that you don’t feel up to walking away this minute. But tomorrow, or the next day, get yourself together and size up your situation. (How much money can you get together? Where can you go?) If you don’t want to stay there, remember that you don’t have to go back where you came from, either. If you’re going to be alone or unsupported either way, you might as well deal with that in a pleasant location of your own choosing.

@augustlan is so right. Don’t stay in this situation unless it’s what you absolutely want. Don’t stay because you don’t want to go back to where you were. Keep talking to us here too. I suspect your emotions are going to be up and down for quite a while.

That’s exactly what he said right up until he realized I wasn’t going to buy it any more because I had the proof between emails (between him and his ex) and the date on the divorce papers. He lied from beginning til (end) I was able to put indisputable evidence in front of him.

Those were the reasons he said he did it, lied again about being divorced. For the second time, after I gave him $200 about six years ago for the money he said he needed for the divorce that he was getting six years ago.

Thanks for talking with me (all of you), I really feel stuck here and I don’t have anyone to talk about this with. I just know it’s quietly eating me up and that I do have good things here I don’t want to destroy even if he and I don’t work out.

I’m so sorry, @kitszu. {hugs}

@kitszu That’s a whole lot of different trust issues.

Again, all I can advise is, you’re there where you are. Go to a professional together and get this figured out.

We, here, can listen but we don’t know both sides and we can’t at all give you the advice you need.

@augustlan Thank you sweetheart

Ever ask a question you already know the answer to, something your heart’s already told you, and asked it anyway?

@Blueroses That’s good advice and I hope I can humble myself/be strong enough to follow it. I hope if I can, that he will be able to do the same. I love this man and I have for a long time, I’m praying it’s reciprocal.

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

Then find a competent therapy professional to help you discover why you are so bereft of self esteem that you would even consider the possibility of g continuing to remain wIth someone who has so little respect for you that he has lied to you so repeatedly.

I understand about your feelings love for him. They are feelings and difficult to just put aside. But a good dose of reality can work wonders. Please allow that process to happen.

You say that your hoping that it’s reciprocal and that he loves you just as much. Don’t you realize that he doesn’t even respect you ? How can love spring from that ? I’m not talking about lust, I’m referring to love. Words are cheap. He can talk about how much he loves you till the cows come home. His actions have proven otherwise beyond any doubt.

People sometimes lie about difficult issues and depending upon what it is, can be forgiven. But this was calculated and continuous deception and it wasn’t even necessary to begin with.

Marriage dates can be as flexible as the two people involved need them to be. There is no need for lies in this day and age. Shotgun weddings are a relic of the past. There is no big rush and no need to deceive somebody into it.

If you stay with him this will be the pattern of your life together. How can you ever trust anything he says ?

This man does not love you. Whatever he does call it, it’s not love because that’s not how you treat someone you claim to love. It’s not even basic respect.

Please find yourself a good therapist (for you, not for him) find some self esteem and have the kind of life you truly deserve with someone who will treat you with the love, respect and honesty which you deserve and value you as the treasure you are. t’s definitely not this guy. You have a good kind heart and deserve far better than him.

If you’re thinking he’ll change, he won’t.

Has he lied to you before? Not knowing him or you I can’t really comment. Except to say if he has a pattern of lying and deceiving people he could be a sociopath. Which doesn’t really change. Since they have little insight into their own behavior and lie for personal gain.

If this is a once off betrayal then perhaps there is hope. With brutal honest going forward.

This is an important life principle which I hope might help. It’s a quote from Maya Angelou and further expanded a bit by Oprah. But it resonates truth no matter who said it.

,
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. ~Maya Angelou

Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn’t call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will, at some point in life, come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth…You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of  truth

I initially was going to say talk to him and then see how you feel, but this will definitely be one strike, and if you decide to stay a second strike I would be out. Now, after reading he has been deceptive all along it does seem like annulment is a logical course of action. :( I am so sorry, I would be a mess also.

Being devil’s advocate I initially was thinking he told a lie a long time ago thinking in his mind he felt divorced, planned to divorce, and rationalized somehow it was ok to say he was divorced, and then maybe the paperwork was more convoluted than he expected. He hid it from you, because then he would have to admit he had lied in the first place. Here’s the thing, even if that is the case, by my definition of the honesty I expect from my spouse he would fall short. Taking money from you is the icing on the cake that makes it unforgiveable in my mind.

You say you are alone, can your family help you? I’m sorry I don’t know your situation. How long have you two been together?

I’m with @Buttonstc on this. 100%.

I get the sense that you are living in a place which is foreign to you without means of support. That makes leaving harder. Is there a way you can over a period of a few months save some money and get away from him. Maybe yu have to stay there for a time but if you are planning and building toward a break, it will strengthen you. Meanwhile, if there is someone there you can trust to confide in, it will help you.

Nobody can tell you what to do or whether you should stay in this marriage. Those are deeply personal decisions, and only you can make them.

You know that you married a man who deceived you. His manipulations weren’t something that happened briefly, during a moment of panic; they were carefully planned and executed over a long period of time. Can you ever trust him? Does he have any integrity and character?

Or, is he so wonderful, in other ways and aspects, that you can overlook your reverse-wedding and all the lies behind it?

@Buttonstc I thank you for you’re advice. The fact that I’m asking shows that I do have self-esteme, enough to ask. The pattern was set years ago with him, and years before that for why…in how it relates to me.

I deserve better, yes. Did he “F” me over, shrug maybe…maybe not in the way it seems.

That’s the problem with living in a grey world.

He won’t change, I’m not expecting that he will. I just don’t think everything is as black and white as I want it to be. And yes, I am desparate for that grey area to be what I want it to be but not enough that I won’t see it for what it is anymore.

@LornaLove No such luck. But hell, if I can deal with a full-on Narcissist, I can sure deal with a a freakin’ sociopath. I don’t have good taste in men, do I? (LOL)

@Buttonstc That is a beautiful and eloquent piece of advice. (Except), people are damaged.

I’m damaged.

People also make choices. Damaged people, me included, make good, compassionate, loving, selfless choices everyday.

How do you separate but not damn those who are flawed but are trying to over come their nature everyday from those that…just don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves?

@JLeslie 11 years. We just got married this past october. And no, I have friends here, but no one I would be comfortable asking to help me. My pride gets in the way.

@SadieMartinPaul F me.,

@EVERYONE you’re right. The thing is, I’m stuborn, I’m a fighter, so I’ll probably dig myself into the ground with this one before I’ll try to dig out…And yes, scared enough…

@kitszu, you have to do what’s right for you. Whether we think that’s the right thing or not. We don’t have the whole story.

Will you please at least try to find a good counsellor? Someone you can talk to and who will act as a sounding board while you work through this? Just so you have someone who is your advocate and with whom you can share details that you understandably wouldn’t want to share here.

Whatever is right for you, I hope this is resolved in a positive way.

@kitszu Does your answer to @Buttonstc mean he has a pattern of lying? Don’t take this the wrong way, but it is not unusual for people to date for years and years, finally get married, and finally break up (divorce) within a year of getting married. It’s like it gets to a point where you either marry or break up, and the couple decides to marry and finally it becomes clear breaking up was the better choice. I see this all the time, and I think it is what you should do. Think 5 years down the road, you will be exactly in this same place or worse. He will continue his pattern of behavior.

If you break up it might be emotionally devastating at first, or you might feel relief, I don’t know which will happen to you, but either way, in the end, I think you will be better off.

Many of us have been through relationships with bad partners. You are not alone, we understand. I don’t know anyone who regrets leaving their lying SO’s even if it was a very difficult road doing it.

Is he cheating on you? Do you have enough money? Are you working? Is he possessive and controlling? I only ask if he is controlling, because if he is and you decide to leave, you might have to plan everything behind his back and leave suddenly, but that might not be the case at all. My ex who cheated and lied constantly, when we finally broke up he just kind of let me go. Now I realize, he just let me go and that freed up more of his time to be with the other girl.

@kitszu you are right no one is perfect. There are grey areas. Main thing is understanding for you, what does or does not work. For me personally lying is a deal breaker. You will find your own deal breakers.