How do you reasonably punish a 17 year old?

My first reaction is a total lockdown. School, house, to school. Period. No electronics, no car, no nothing. This for a period of time that you deem reasonable. I might also consider taking his provisional license. I am guessing the fact that he is an L-plater means he has a provisional license.

Grounding is good. We never want to be horrid to our kids but rules do ultimately make them feel more secure. Maybe ask him what is troubling him as acting out is often a sign of needing to talk it through.

Take everything out of his room except the mattress, one pillow, two sheets and one blanket. Make him earn everything else back, start with cleaning the bins.

Wow, I would have a total shitfit if my kids did that! I agree completely with @WestRiverrat, and I would add in no phone, no TV, and no computer, until everything else has been earned back.

Have you tried asking him what would be an appropriate punishment? Be needs to scrub off the graffiti for sure.

Give your son the bill for cleanup.

My poor son even lost the door to his room. We took it off the hinges.
I can’t say it improved his attitude though.

@SuperMouse no it’s not even a provisional license- he’s on a learner permit meaning that he has to have a licensed driver in the car with him at all times- not a provisional which means that whomever drove my car was one of his friends, or worse, him.

@trailsillustrated, thanks for the explanation. I have to say I agree with those who suggest making him clean the graffiti and or pay for new garbage cans.

As long as you do not beat children or humiliate them in public, you are in no danger of being a bad parent. If you are afraid of not being popular you are automatically a bad parent.
No car.
No computer
I like the idea of the bedroom door off the hinges. I like it a lot.
No cell phone.
No nothing until they approach you with a statement of contrition. They must do it in the presence of somebody else, somebody whose respect that they want. They must make an act of contrition, like cleaning up the paint.
Do not give in.

I have known parents of unruly young adults to drag them of to the army, but that can make them or break them. But then that’s better than prison and a record if they get worse.

@mandy892 I think if this is a decent kid who is doing well in school and doesn’t have many issues other that this poor decision, the army might be a bit drastic.

@SuperMouse I see give the lad an option then ask him what punishment he thinks he deserves. This will also show how sorry he is or is not for what happened. As for the army being drastic though I loved the army if I hadn’t of stopped growing at 4ft 9in I would of joined, and when they lowered height limit it was to late for me I was gutted. My son would also love to join the army when he is old enough but because he has autism they wont allow him in. Back to the kid if this is not his normal behaviour it’s probably just a stage he’s going through and should pass hopefully.

Ah, I remember being a teen and thinking that I was invincible. I also recall throwing a party when the parents were out and getting caught from the evidence left behind.

It sounds as if your son has taken advantage of your being away. Most likely, he didn’t know that the situation would get this out of control. The first recommendation is to talk to him about it. He may show sincere and utter regret. I did…lesson learned.

No matter what his response is, it’s a clear indication that he needs to learn the (potential) cost factor involved in the actions that occurred. Removing unwanted graffiti is expensive. More importantly is the car issue. What does he know about the laws? How much does he know about the cost of insurance and how it breaks down? Let’s not even get into the costs involved in accidents.

Punishments should be based upon educating him on where the line was drawn. It has much more impact when it comes from a bigger picture

I like @Judi‘s idea of speaking to him and working with him to decide on an appropriate punishment. He isn’t stupid. He knows he did wrong. Give him some responsibility for fixing the mess and the trouble (and potential trouble) he caused. Just insist that the final punishment is something you agree with.

With the car driving, perhaps you can check whether there are any groups working with young drivers to help them understand the dangers to them and their friends? It might also be worth trying to get through to him that even if nobody was hurt, in the event of an accident you might not even be covered by insurance. Been there, done that with my own son. I was lucky to come across an insurance manager with a sense of decency, but how rare are they?

You know your son better than we do and what he will respond to and what will have no effect. Good luck.

Oh, try to give yourself time to calm down before you make a decision. I can imagine you are wavering between anger and worry right now. Perhaps tell him you need to calm down before you have another discussion about what will happen from here.

My son is supposed to be coming around today. Given we have been down this road, I’ll ask him what he thinks and report back.

If he were my son, I would total up the cost of what it would cost to rent out a venue for a party for an evening and rent my car for the day. After he cleaned the graffiti from my trashcans, I’d have him work off the “debt” by doing community service and “repaying” his debt to me at a rate of minimum wage. He’d be on full restriction until he had completed his community service.

I was in your son’s position once. I threw a party while my parents were away and I will never forget the punishments that I went through.

Here’s the laundry list of what I was punished with:

-No electronics whatsoever
-I had to go to and from school every day. No hanging out with friends.
-I had to do every single bit of maintenance the yard required.
-Was forced to clean the house twice a week, to the point where everything glistened.
-Washed the cars every weekend.
-All of my favorite things were either donated or sold to the pawn shop to pay for damages.
-Had to wake up at 5 AM every weekend to volunteer in a nursing home.
-Wasn’t allowed to go to prom, homecoming, or any other school event.

This all lasted for my senior year of high school. Now that I look back, I completely agree with my parents and their punishment. Someone could have died or I could have gotten in serious trouble for holding that party. There were drugs and alcohol everywhere. I am lucky that the punishment was the only repercussion to my bad decision. Don’t be afraid of being too harsh, because every kid that age needs a good kick in the ass.

Well I asked and he said he liked the idea of talking to your son about an appropriate punishment. If that doesn’t work out, or as a suggestion, he said taking away internet is a huge punishment for someone of that age.

I think a 17 year old boy must very interested in some electronic products, you can control him use it until he recognize the error.

As much as you think you know your children, they turn into a different person when they are around there pier group, its all showing off. Shame them, cleaning up the trail of mess number one.takeaway money allowances and lose the internet connection, tell them this will remain in place until they resemble what decent behaviour from a young man should be and if you dont want your place trashed do not allow parties n never leave your keys to the cars available, in other words take away the lure until that decent behaviour comes back into the equation. More than anything else stick to it and dont give in .
Good luck

I agree with @Pied_Pfeffer that he should be punished with a mind toward educating him on where the line was drawn.
It is common for teenagers and even adults to believe “it’s only wrong if you get caught.”
Well, he needs to learn that what he did was wrong, regardless of the fact that he was caught. Where he drew the line was going behind your back, and either driving your car or letting someone else drive it. The punishment should teach him about respect, property, and human life.

To me, there should be consequences that make sense with what he did. For the party, he gets no social life for a good while. For the graffiti, he either has to clean it or pay to replace the bins. For the car, take away his learner’s permit. No driving until he can prove he’s responsible enough to handle it.

17 is too old to be punished, it will just backfire on you. A 17 year old is smart enough to figure out a way of punishing you without you even knowing it. E.g. calling the credit card company and reporting all your credit cards as stolen while you are out for dinner at a restaurant, or hiding the batteries to something you need and so on.

I made him clean the paint off with oven cleaner and even a tag on a fence, one that he didn’t do.

Did you sit and watch him while enjoying a nice glass of wine? :-)

@Bellatrix no I stood over him and watched and said I hoped his friends would drive by.