Is this disrespectful?

I don’t have a problem with porn, in general, but that would piss me right off.

^^ I agree with the Queen.

If I were a woman which I’m not i’d wonder if he were thinking of his porn lookalike ex when he was fucking me & that would make me contemplate hacking his dick off with a big knife, which, being a man, makes me wince…a lot!!

Yeah, that’s weird.

I would take that to mean “Women are nothing but meat to me, and our relationship is only based on sex”.

It is disrespectful, and borderline cheating.

I think that the friend is looking for reasons to be pissed off, and she has identified this as the object of her anger at this current moment. This seems to be a multi-layer obscurity that is being inflated into some sort of a nexus for anger.

Your friend is having OTHER issues with her husband, and this is a convenient (and totally invented) excuse to blame him for something, instead of dealing with the real reason, whatever it is.

If you use porn as a marital aid and it isn’t working then you communicate about it. If you can’t that is another issue.

Yes, because watching this pron star is like watching his ex and having sexual thoughts.

I don’t think that “disrespectful” is part of the equation here.

Let’s assume that based on his earlier statement / brag / dream plus his preference for a particular porn actress that he is non-verbally expressing interest in an ex. How is that “disrespectful”? It’s a fact that can be dealt with… or ignored, as his partner appears to wish.

If the female partner, with her great understanding and intuition (I don’t have the sarcasm flag flying there) understands this, then she can incorporate this into their sex play, if she wants to. Apparently, though, while they’re watching porn she wants him to “think pure thoughts” (whatever that means in the context of this relationship where “porn is okay, but porn that reminds you of someone else is verboten) and clam up about any prior relationship, fantasy, dream or memory that involves a real person that he was ever associated with before.

In other words, once again a man is pilloried for “opening up about his feelings”, because “they’re the wrong feelings”.

The entire notion is as absurd as this relationship appears to be.

Normally I would say “they should talk”, but my feeling here is that the fewer words that pass between these two, the better for them and for us all. I also hope they use multi-redundant methods of birth control, pending the inevitable separation and divorce.

Is it about the porn star and the ex-girlfriend or does he have a ‘type’? Perhaps he is attracted to women with the same physical attributes – hair colour, shape, height. Maybe this was influenced by his attraction to the porn star in his youth or maybe back there in his past is another woman who looks like the porn star?

I didn’t make this connection until after we’d separated, but I look at the women my ex has dated since we broke up and they’re all similar. I suspect I was also similar to someone in his past. He has a type.

@Bellatrix “He has a type.” Your statement made me think immediately of Rod Stewart. Blonde and leggy.

Yes, @Adagio. Exactly. That was my ex-husband’s type too. HA! I wish :D

Obsession with any particular porn star whether she looked like an ex or not would bother me. If the “type” looked nothing like me I would be even more bothered.

One question I have, not that it really matters, is was her husband into this particular porn star before he dated the ex or after?

More stupid, than disrespectful. If you’re going to fantasize about an ex or someone you know, keep it to yourself.

@CWOTUS I don’t think she feels its “wrong” of him, it’s more that she feels he watches it because he is still hung up on his ex and also because he knows it hurts her feelings when she sees these videos on the download list. She said she has brought the issue up several times over the years and has made it very clear that she finds it insulting, but it doesn’t stop him from doing it again. Maybe that’s where the feelings of being disrespected come from…

@JLeslie I did consider that maybe he liked the star because that was the type of women he was into, it would make sense because some guys are like that, hell, my brother dated 5 girls in high school and you can’t tell which one is which from any of the photos, they looked so similar. But when I asked my friend, she said that 90% of the porn he downloads is Asian, and pretty much the complete opposite look of the ex, and she is fine with that, however the other 10% has mostly consisted of porn starring the girl who looks like his ex.

@cheebdragon 10% doesn’t seem like he is fixating on that one type, or one woman. Is your friend Asian?

She’s not Asian. I labeled it as an obsession because he continues to seek out this one star, even if its on an occasional basis, once or twice I could understand, but she said he’s been doing this throughout their entire relationship (almost 10 years I believe). Personally I think it’s more of a trip down memory lane for him, and I can still see how that could be somewhat insulting, but the sad thing is that she probably wouldn’t have ever thought twice about it, if he hadn’t made it a point to inform her of this porn star and her exact resemblance, it’s almost like a form of mental warfare I think.

@cheebdragon Don’t get me wrong, I can see why it bothers her, but the Asian thing would bother me too. As I said, if he focused on a type that is not me it would bother me.

I’ll try and be positive and detached. Some people do have ‘triggers’. Some triggers do come from previous lovers. But does not mean they actually want this lover back. More like a type they like.

Some porn stars like regular stars have fans. Possibly he is a fan. And maybe he bragged because he found the star more sexy and felt that his ex looking like her (instead of the other way around) was a bit of a brag show.

Really though I’d find it offensive. Not only because she looked like an ex. I am all for shared porn between couples. But obsession or if it simply bugged me, I’d ask him. He has the answers.

I have my favorite porn stars that I regularly look up. They don’t look like my ex, but I think looking up the same girl 10% of the time is hardly disrespectful. Like someone else said, he might just be a fan. What IS disrespectful is telling your girlfriend that your ex looks like your favorite porn star. That’s just a stupid thing to say.

The Asian thing wouldn’t bother me. He has a kink, so what? A lot of guys are into the Asian thing. It’s just a fantasy – we all have ‘em. I think it’s ridiculous to be offended that my husband watches porn starring women that don’t look like me. Why? It’s porn, it’s fantasy, so why would they look like me? He’s already got me.

The porn thing not a problem, liking one particular porn star not a problem, obsessing over an x is a problem, did he obsess over her before they got married because seriously I would of walked away. A guy or a woman who still has another partner on there mind is not over them so there for are not fully inlove with you. Don’t get me wrong people can still care about there exes that’s not a problem because after all you once loved them but obsessing over one is a different story.