Is it time to Divorce?

I honestly don’t see much worth staying for, but if there is some spark of life still left there, you might consider trying counseling first. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

Sad story. I hate divorce but only you can decide if there is anything worth saving. I would try counseling for both of you or just you if he refuses. Nothing wrong with finding out who the best divorce attorney in town is and putting them on retainer now though.

Check, check, check, check. I would say get out now.

I forget who said it and I’m too lazy to look it up tonight, but:
“The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference.”

It seems to me, based on what you’ve said, that your husband has become indifferent to you. Act accordingly.

Maybe I don’t have the right to speak to this, because I have never been married, but I grew up witnessing an abusive marriage that should have ended in divorce and never did.

I don’t think you should feel like you have to put up with a potentially abusive guy because you can’t imagine better options. If he feels he can get away with verbal abuse right now, there’s no reason for him not to progress to worse kinds of emotional and physical abuse. If he’s demeaning you, emotionally neglecting you, essentially living a separate life from you, it sounds like there’s no “there” there to “save” in the first place.

I wish you strength to find the right decision for yourself. Good luck.

Why would you stay? There’s nothing to fight for. He’s a cheater, he’s verbally abusive, and you hardly spend any time together. That’s not a marriage. Get out while you still can.

You are not being too hasty – there are so many red flags in your description, I am sorry you’ve been wasting so much of your life on this douche. Divorce, move on.

Have you asked him if he wants to be married? To work on making your relationship better? I don’t feel like I hear anything from you about ways you both have tried to communicate to make things better. I’m not assuming you haven’t, just asking.

My gut feeling is he is hoping you will leave. He is obviously treating you horribly. It must be very hard for you, I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s typical for cheaters to withdraw their affections from their primary partner. Not only physical affection, but psychological also.

The only chance of repair is if both of you want to make things better.

At age 47 yrs old you still have a lot going for you.
Some famous people did not get started in their own Business or Career path until later in life.
Let the husband continue to search for his next target ( mistress or wife?).
Meanwhile YOU get organized in yourself, to improve yourself in which YOU want to do.
When you become confident in yourself then you will realize that you really did not need this man in your life dragging you down.
Get supports for engaging in your new life.

@Inspired_2write I agree let the man find someone else… let him cheat so he can move on and dust your hands of him.

Of course I can only respond based on what you wrote which said so much about how you are feeling.

I hear you saying that you feel your husband is not showing you the respect and consideration you deserve and you do not believe he wants to change his behaviour. Since you know you want and deserve better and you sound sure that your husband is mainly focused on a life that does not really include you, I think you really have made up your mind but you want others to support your decision. Only people who really know you both and your whole history could feel justified in offering you specific advice. I can tell you to trust your own feelings and to choose the time and pace at which you make any changes you select. I hope you find the trusting, loving relationship you seem to be after. From my own experience, I can say that finding what you seek is still possible. It took me several tries until I got it right. I wish you all the best in your life.

There is no point in staying with someone who treats you that way. Boot his ass to the curb.

RUN, don’t walk to your lawyer’s office. You had me at infidelity, and banging my head on the desk by abuse.

Best wishes, and at 47 you’ve got a lot to look forward to. I’m sure you’ll find someone that loves and respects you when you’re ready to start looking again. My advice is take some time away from men to heal though. It’s not healthy/normal to accept being trampled the way you’ve been; please see a therapist or support group.

I can’t really add to what everyone has said. Except to say that 47 is a great age for females today. People are seeing age less and less. Some of the most physically fit women I know are well over 40.

Don’t settle for second best. Because of an idea that you are over it.

Being with any man rather than no man at all, is not a great way to plan ones life. I can’t say leave him. But find your own interests and friends. Start to have a relationship with yourself. The rest just follows. Abuse can also include verbal, emotional, neglect and financial.

I had a husband like that and I told him if he didn’t change I was leaving. He didn’t and so I left. It was a good thing to do. (In hindsite).

Start collecting records of everything. Make copies of bank accounts and statements. You say you have hard evidence of his cheating. Make copies and store them someplace safe. All this will help you during the settlement phase.
Do it now! Before saying anything to him about divorce. For the next two weeks, while he is out playing, you should collect and record records. Then see the lawyer in secret.

I am all for counseling, however, he has to do three things: put in the time and effort, take the advice that may come from the counselor, and be willing to stop the infidelity.

He does not sound like a nice person, and it sounds like he may have an anger issue.

I think if there has been infidelity or as you put it “concrete evidence that he is trying” (which I assume may mean he is emailing or putting profiles on dating sites?), that can be a hard thing to overcome, for the one who is being burned. You may always feel cynical and insecure, and that’s not a good thing.

If I were you I would not stay. Your self esteem is being battered.

I am your age and I can assure you I have guys hitting on me all the time.

You can be more lonely living with someone that is absent from the marriage like your husband is, than living alone.
It is time to physically leave the marriage as there really isn’t one, and there hasn’t been for some time.
This is a really hard thing to do, and those of us that have gone through a divorce know this, so we aren’t saying to leave in a offhand manner. You need to prepare yourself mentally. You need to get your finances in order. You will need support from friends and family. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

Just curious, why did you move back?

Also, if you are ready to leave, and I get the feeling you are, I agree with @LuckyGuy, get all your ducks in a row.

I think deep abiding love if part of living a rich, fulfilling life. This marriage is clearly not fulfilling that need for you. Get out and give yourself a chance at a happier life.

If you really read what you have written the answer is already obvious.
Not to mention that his verbal put downs, cheating, indifference ( read emotional abuse ) etc. is ALL ABUSIVE behavior.
Time to take your power back woman!
He is keeping you around to meet whatever needs he has, what…? A houseleeper, laundry woman, gardener, cook?

I divorced from a similar circumstance at 43 over 10 years ago and it was the BEST thing I ever did!
Be prepared for his abuse to escalate when he knows you are serious about divorcing him.
The jigs up and he will most likely pull out all the stops to make you feel worthless and incapable and beat down your self esteem even more.
Don’t fall for it.

This is a very unhealthy non- ” relationship.”
There is no relating here, only abuse.

If you tried everything and failed protect yourself and contact an attorney. It may be risky so have a safe place to go.

Thanks to everyone for their advice.

@JLeslie, we moved back because I was laid-off and I thought it would be easier to find a job here, where I know more people. I knew it was a risk, but honestly believed we had turned a corner.

I do not know if he will care if we divorce or if that’s what he’s hoping for. I am currently not working, so I cannot leave until I find a job.

It is hard to leave because I remember the good times and divorce means there is no chance they will return – I am mourning the loss of hopes and dreams and someone who doesn’t seem to exist anymore or maybe ever. It’s the hope that things might get better that has kept me in this relationship.

I’m so sorry :(.

He can work anywhere? I mean his line of work, it was easy for him to move?

Hope for change dies when it’s abusive or demeaning. Make some calls and leave before he senses it.

@JLeslie, he started his own company (from home) when we moved. We just moved the company here when we moved back. He did not yet have a strong client base, so it really wasn’t detrimental. The closer it got to move time, the more apprehensive I got because I knew there was a chance I would come back to this. I refuse to beat myself up though, because I think that he tried to establish the same time of set-up in the city we moved to. He went to a social event alone saying that I wouldn’t have fun because everyone would be speaking a different language (I knew that was BS, but on the other hand, I don’t need to be with him 100% of the time). He never went to any other events with that group and later complained about how everyone was so family oriented. I think he tried to get something going, but couldn’t find any friends into that lifestyle.

@Coloma – I believe you are right. He enjoys having a wife to take care of the house and help him with his business, but he does not see me as a person to have fun with or share his life with.

@KNOWITALL – yes, that is how it should be, but I have had so many bad things happen to me that hope has been my only salvation. 5 years ago my husband got cancer (which was devastating at the time, but he is 100% fine now), 4 years ago my father died, 3 years ago I got laid off and had to move to another city, 2 years ago my mom died, almost 1 year ago I got laid off again and had to move again, and now I am contemplating divorce. It is hard to understand when to switch off the hope button. Logic tells me I should have done it a long time ago, but my heart says otherwise. I am finding my way though, and I appreciate the help from everyone who has responded. You have given me the courage to trust in myself.

@Gabby101 Honestly, it sounds like he is a chronic cheater the more you write. Listen to your gut. Chronic cheaters do not change. I have never seen one change, and I know a bunch of them. A one time affair is a different thing.

Get a job, get yourself together, and get out. You might want to consider a new city, start fresh. For me starting fresh was better, some people prefer to stay where it is familiar and support is nearby.

You deserve better and that was made clear at the very mention of infidelity, which happened not once but multiple times. There are things worth fighting for, and this marriage is not one of them.

Go to the lawyers get your affaires in order and remember you don’t have to ask permission for a divorce with your evidence of cheating that will grant you your divorce, once you have your affaires in order go home make sure you have nothing in to eat, dress yourself up then let him take you for a cheap meal. When you have finished your meal take a little sip of your wine lean over smile at him and say “I’ve wasted 7 years of my life on you, were getting divorced” then get up and leave him there walk away and keep that smile on your face. The fact that you kept calm and smiled will annoy him more, and he deserves nothing less.

Divorce and switch to being friends as soon as possible. It sounds like he undermines your happiness at every turn. Life is too short to be trapped in a negative relationship.
In this day and age I think marriage is more for people who can’t fully function as independent adults anyway.

You are a wonderful woman in your prime. Get going. Enjoy life!

@Gabby101: I think I speak for the entire collective when I say we wish you the healthiest relationship and the best outcome, no matter what you decide to do.

Please consider updating us if you feel you’d like to.

Thank you.
JCA
The Update Lady

My update: after the anger, the sadness set in. My grief was for the marriage I once had, the guy I once knew, the future I once thought was mine. I felt like my life was over and I would spend the rest of my life alone and lonely (I don’t have children). My sadness really affected my husband and he suggested we sit and talk about what both of us wanted (completely out of character). I told him that I couldn’t go on with things the way they were and said that I didn’t feel he was committed to the marriage. He confirmed that he was not committed and he had married too young and wanted to experience all that he missed. He said that he didn’t plan to stay with me, but didn’t plan to leave for 5–7 years (not acceptable!!). We are now slowly, working through when we will split and the financial implications. It actually feels good to have some clarity, even though the outcome is not what I wanted – I wanted him to change and have the marriage I dreamed of, but he made it clear that is not going to happen. I am still sad sometimes, but I have escaped from the darkness I initially felt. I am also happy that the anger is gone (mostly). I believe I am on a path to better things.

I thank all of you for your feedback and support during this very difficult time. I needed people to talk to whom I could tell the 100% complete, ugly truth and who would give me their honest feedback without feeling like I was being judged. Thank you!

@jca thank you for asking for an update :)

Thanks for updating us. Sorry you’re having to go through all this. (((HUGS)))

I’m sorry it didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped, but it does sound like you’re in a good place mentally. Now you can have the life you deserve. :)

Granted, in my personal opinion, there’s really nothing to save per se. I would strongly suggest going to a counselor, and talking it out with them.