I need to share some emotional stuff with my grandmother and I'm kind of unsure...

Are you going to have to mail the letter to your grandmother or does she live close enough for you to hand deliver it to her? I’m open to reading it and giving you some feedback. PM me if you want me to read it, @LeavesNoTrace.

@bkcunningham We live in different countries at the moment so I have to email it to her. I’ll PM you.

I’ve written similar letters. Some I chose not to send, others I reviewed and rewrote edited versions to send.

Write from the heart first, and purge those emotions. Then read what you’ve written and consider what statements clearly convey the points you want to make, and reword or eliminate those that might be misinterpreted.

None of us here can understand the complexities of your situation, and I don’t think any of us knows your grandmother, and how she might interpret the things you tell her. It is best if it comes from you.

@LeavesNoTrace I’ll look at it if you want to PM me. No one should be faced with what you’re dealing with, or your grandmother.

I want to say something to you, @LeavesNoTrace, with pure love and good intent. I wish I could shield you from any further hurt or pain, but that isn’t how life happens. So I feel compelled to say this one thing to you for you to just think about. Since it seems your grandmother doesn’t know about what has been happening for the past 25 years, I’m going to assume you really aren’t that close to her.

The thing to remember is this: She is part of what created this man who was married to your mother. Be prepared for hurt and outrage from her. Be prepared. It doesn’t mean I’m psychic and really know her reaction, but I’d be really shocked if she didn’t know the kind of man she mothered and who married your mother and “fathered” two children. I just don’t want you to be hurt by her.

The letter is fine. Shocking and full of raw pain and emotion. A normal woman would break down in tears and beg you to forgive her for not knowing. I hope she is normal but I suspect her initial reaction may be defensive toward you regarding her son.

Thanks @bkcunningham for taking the time to read and for the thoughtful answer. I’ve also considered the same things and am kind of split 50/50 on how I think she’ll react.

My grandma has always been affectionate to me and sends me emails all the time about how much she “loves” me but I feel like she doesn’t really know me as a person. She has admitted that my father is “difficult” and was “peculiar” teenager but I feel like he’s done a good job hiding the truth from her.

Never the less, she thinks I’m a “good girl” and seems to have my best interest at heart. I hope that she gets what I want her to get from the letter, a dose of the truth and an understanding of why I’m cutting ties with him.

My aunt is a reasonable woman and she said she’d understand but we’ll see I guess. If she doesn’t, I’m prepared and I’m better off without irrational people in my life.

@LeavesNoTrace I think the downside of sending it outweighs the up side. She’s a dying woman, she doesn’t need any more pain. She created the monster, however it happened. I might send it to your brother and share your thoughts with him. You two experienced this, maybe you can help each other. I thought about telling you to send it to your father, but it wouldn’t do any good. What amazes me is how you worked through this and didn’t come out like him. You’re awesome.

Is your aunt your father’s sister or your mother’s sister, @LeavesNoTrace?

I would also sprinkle in a few more sentences letting her know that you aren’t telling her these things to hurt her and that it pains you to tell her but you think she really needs to understand.

@Adirondackwannabe Thanks. My Grandma’s not dying though. She’s spry in her 80s and mentally sound. That woman is Kentucky-tough.

@bkcunningham She’s my father’s sister.

Your aunt would know how your grandmother will react better than anyone. I sincerely hope they all help love you through this tough and difficult time. You seem very wise, @LeavesNoTrace. I wouldn’t want anyone that irrational in my life either. Peace and love to you and your brother. Your letter could be made into a screenplay for a movie. You are an excellent writer.

@LeavesNoTrace Sorry, my bad. That letter rattled me a lot. I’m still leaning towards not telling her. She has to know what he’s like and that would just pour salt in an open wound. I like @bkcunningham‘s idea. Shop it as a base for a script, after you remove the personal references.

Haha maybe it could be a Lifetime movie. Seems to have all the right elements.

Maybe Angelica Houston could play my Mom! :-p

Sorry needed a little levity there. I’m still open to having other people read it if they want.

@LeavesNoTrace You could send it as “Daddy Dearest”.
Edit. I apologize for that. The first part was totally wrong.

I have a girlfriend who was in a situation that was sooo similar, @LeavesNoTrace, except her mom didn’t die. Her dad is a totally different person now than he was when she and her brother were growing up, But I’ll tell you what, it caused her some pretty dysfunctional experiences in her adult life. I hope you find someone who can help you understand some of the lasting affects adult children of abuse can suffer and how to deal with it.

@bkcunningham Yeah my Mom was pretty good at helping me deal with it in her own way. But I still wish she had just left him when she could.

My Mom wasn’t stupid though, and she was very aware of what was going on. She told me about Narcissistic Rage Disorders and Borderline Personality Disorder in very clinical terms and explained to me that she was 99% sure that was my father’s problem. She tried to deal with it as best she could and was pretty good at defending herself when she was healthy but was no match for him as a sick, dying woman.

Unfortunately, I think the stress he caused her over the years 1) caused her to be more dependent on smoking as a stress-reliever and 2) caused the illness to kill her faster due to the emotional strain affecting her body. Sadly, it did not turn out well for my dear mother but I’m glad I don’t have to repeat her life and live that way if I don’t want to.

My father on the other hand is hopeless. I’m not a psychiatrist but I believe he has very Borderline traits with episodes of psychosis as noted in my letter. He’s also delusional and refuses to admit to any wrongdoing on his part. He’s hurt A LOT of people in his life and lost pretty much all of his friends. I don’t know about this “girlfriend” of his but she must either be stupid or just as batsh*t cray as he is.

From what I’ve heard, most people with Borderline are basically untreatable. Is this true?

@LeavesNoTrace I was once diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I was told that it resolves itself over time. I can say now that I do not have that and I was misdiagnosed.

On another note is it too far fetched to possibly assume that your grandmother already knows about your father?

I think it is treatable, @LeavesNoTrace. I don’t know. I don’t want to sound harsh, but that is your dad’s problem. Not yours. Some people are just mean.

@nofurbelowsbatgirl Some therapists are idiots and misdiagnose all the time. My father tried to convince one that I was “crazy” whatever that means and have my locked up because I was being “rebellious and disrespectful” i.e. Telling him to stop punching and verbally abusing me. Sorry you went through that. My father is one of the most extremely unhinged people I’ve ever met and I’m sure you don’t fall into that category.

@bkcunningham That is true as well. Some people are just mean. He was diagnosed with “intermittent explosive disorder” by a well-known psychiatrist that my Mom and I used and trusted for years. But of course he denied having any problems and discontinued therapy as soon as the guy told him that gasp he wasn’t perfect!

Regardless, basically to know him is to hate him. I’ve heard more than one person (not including family members) call him “the worst person in the world” if that gives some perspective.

I am in absolutely no position to ever advise anyone ever on maintaining healthy family relationships.

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If you’re still reading, I would ask what your objective is. Why do you feel grandma just HAS to be told?

Is she going to change him?
Do you want her to apologise for raising a monster?
Is it basically a cry of “its not my fault this family is broken!” Because you feel like you’re being blamed?

Do you think this letter will in any easy turn your father into Pa Ingalls?

Because it won’t. Grandma can’t change him. And in grandma is already of the belief that this is in any way you fault, a letter by you proclaiming your innocence is only going to solidify that. Especially if it’s so long she has no desire to actually read it.

I’m sorry, hon. I really, really am. And I wish you much happiness in your life, despite your dad.

@Seek_Kolinahr It’s not that she “thinks” anything is my fault, yet. It’s just that I know that over time she’s going to notice that I don’t speak to my father anymore, she’ll ask him why and he’ll feed her some BS story. I think she has some idea… but I think she only knows like 10% of the story.

If she doesn’t react well, oh well.

@LeavesNoTrace She knows more than you think.

I personally think the letter, the entire process of writing it and sending it is therapeutic for you, @LeavesNoTrace. I keep thinking about the part of your story where you spoke up to your father, standing up for yourself and your Mom. I understand a little about how that feels. I think that is what the letter represents. It is your voice and your opportunity to say the things that you want to say about your life and the abuse you all lived through. I think it is part of your grieving process too.

@bkcunningham Thanks. I also think it would be therapeutic to send it. To finally have my “voice” heard in the family and show the illuminating power of the truth. I showed it to my older brother and he wants me to send it on behalf of the siblings.

@LeavesNoTrace I don’t know your family, so I really am at a disadvantage in advising you. I’m sucking out at helping you here. I’l make it up to you.

@Adirondackwannabe It’s okay! Trust me, it’s a tenuous and awkward situation. I guess I would feel like a coward if I didn’t send it. My Mom had some big balls and I guess I inherited that from her… :-p

I’ll chew on it tonight, send you a prayer tomorrow, and try to answer tomorrow. I don’t have this kind of wisdom,

@LeavesNoTrace My mental illness has been a long road. When I hear your story I can most definitely connect with all sides. I think you shouldn’t be worried at all. After you explain everything and from the sounds of what you say the letter is very thorough. I just can’t see that you’re grandmother has never ever gotten wind of her own son’s behavior let alone experience it. Doesn’t your father even talk to his mother, ever?

@nofurbelowsbatgirl I think she experienced his bad behavior as a teenager and knows that he’s still “loud” and can be “difficult” but she’s one of those people who likes to live in denial.

My uncle is no longer speaking to her or my grandfather because of the abuse he was put him through as a kid and how my grandma stood by and let it happen. He’s a seriously messed up and broken person because of what he went through and I think the same can be said for my dad. (The two brothers also have no contact.)

Ten years ago my older (half) brother turned my father in to CPS for his behavior. He is my father’s stepson and my grandma’s step-grandson. She had less of an affinity for him because he’s not a blood relative (she’s super weird that way and I hate it frankly). Anyway, to this day, she will not speak to him because he “betrayed” the family like her son “betrayed” them. She cut him out of her will and doesn’t want to know anything about him.

Now me—I’ve always been a favorite of hers. Her “prettiest” granddaughter. Always bragging “My granddaughter is a model, my granddaughter graduated with honors, my granddaughter has been around the world..” etc. Always calling me “sweetheart” and telling me she loves me without really knowing a thing about my life or what I’ve been through thanks to our totally screwed up family dynamic.

It’s time for me to take a stand, regardless of how she reacts. I want her to know the 100% truth about what’s been happening for 20+ years in my life. If she has a bad reaction and doesn’t believe me, I’ll hit her with another truth bus. I have audio recordings of him abusing her (My mother recorded them for this purpose before she died.) I can show her as proof and several people to back up my story.

My attitude is “Just because she’d elderly, doesn’t mean she isn’t an adult.” Personally, I’d prefer it if people are honest with me, regardless of my age and not treat me like a child just because I’m elderly. She’s mentally stable and able to process information still. Trust me, I wouldn’t tell her this if I thought was mentally or physically frail and it would affect her health. I’m not in the granny-killing business, I just want people to know the truth about my father, my mother and how my siblings and I have lived our lives.

@LeavesNoTrace well it certainly sounds like something you need to do. It seems like you had a burden placed on you from a child up until your mother passed away and the only way to feel free from that is to release it like a wounded dove to someone who may care about it. You just need to be careful because you may not get the reaction you were expecting or that you want and it could be good or it could be bad. And are you ready for anything? If so, you need to expect the worse, & I will pray for the best for you. :)

I would consider what I would actually want from sending a letter like this. To get it off my chest? To hope that the mother of this person could talk sense into him (no doubt she knows and has tried). It really depends on what you expect as a payoff. And if this could result in that payoff being achieved.

I have a feeling it won’t be. If the reason is to explain why you no longer speak to him. I’d simply say I have cut ties for many reasons and if she needs more details you are happy to supply. And that you still love and care for her.

@LeavesNoTrace Don’t send it. That’s my best advice. You said she’s in denial. That’s not going to change a bit and you might destroy your relationship with her. My suggestion would be to place the letter in an envelope and place it in her coffin when she passes. That way you gave it to her but at a time when she should be at peace and can truly understand it. Some demons are best left unshared.

I snail mailed her the letter but a little (not much) cleaned up. (More personal that way and she can’t hit the ‘forward’ button to my father.) Sent her a preemptive email to tell her to look for something important in the mail.

Keep us posted on her reaction, @LeavesNoTrace. I wish you the best.

Just as an update, she received the letter and still speaks to me in a friendly way but we don’t speak about what I wrote. Probably for the best… At least she knows now.

Thanks for the update. I hope you are doing well.