My mom has gotten progressively more morbid these past couple of months - how can I help?

Perhaps remind yourself that you do not have to constantly chivy her. If she wants to be lugubrious, perhaps try not to listen or respond too much.

@gailcalled – I know, I know. But, she’s my mom. She’s always, always there for me – she’s ready to do something drastic to the Feds if my disability doesn’t go through, and she’s always been a rock for me, during periods of gloom. I don’t know if maybe I feel beholden to her, but she really has no one. Having said that, I’m really running out of quips to build her up. Maybe I can take a walk with her and be more frank…?

@serenityNOW It’s good to see how much you care for your mother.Thank you for sharing this situation with us. My mother, too, has bouts of what might be termed depression, or it may simply be sadness.

Does she get out much? Encourage that. My mother volunteers at the church she attends, and it really gives shape to her week.

Does she have a particular hobby or pleasurable activity? Do what you can to help her with whatever that is. My mother honestly enjoys cleaning. One year, I bought her a special steam cleaner for her kitchen floor, and she was thrilled. I’m not saying you have to spend money on your mother. If she likes reading, accompany her to the nearest library.

Now that spring is here, a walk in a park might be a great idea.

Best of luck.

I think you should seriously listen to her. When she says if this or that happens to me, have the conversation with her, repeat back to her in your own words how you interpret what she is saying until she feels comfortable you understand. If she doesn’t have a living will and directives if she is unable to answer for herself, help her get the legal paperwork. Once she feels confident her children know what she would want if she became very ill or died, maybe she won’t talk about it as much. I’m not assuming, maybe your mom has taken legal measures already, but it does sound like she needs to know you know what she would want.

If she isn’t doing things she previously loved to, seems to have lost her zest for life, then she might be depressed as well, and addressing that would be a good idea, maybe some therapy? Maybe it will pass on its own depending on how extreme it is.

I think it is good to reassure her that you don’t think of her as old and point out all the things she still can do. But, don’t dismiss her worry of getting old and dying. She is getting older. She might know something about her body she isn’t revealing to you.

@serenityNOW: Sorry to have sounded so glib. If she has legitimate medical issues and is also aging, that can be both scary and depressing.

Does she have any friends or social activities to bring her a little pleasure?

Is she well enough to do any volunteer work?

Are you her main support system?

I can’t type more now. Milo is sitting on the keyboard and behaving very-**-******.
aggressively.

Just tell her, as I always say, that we have to die of something, then give her a big plate of scrambled eggs, pancakes and sausage. Tell her that eating sausage adds years to your life and that syrup has anti-aging properties, after all, look how long Maple trees live. lol

In other words..HUMOR her!

i feel that perhaps she may need more encouragement from you that you do know what
to do in an emergency in regards to her?
If you do not know, find out what you could do , should this happen?
She is afraid of dying, before she has finished what it is that she wanted to complete
in her life ?
Your joking etc behaviour just shows to her that you may not be taking her seriously?
Maybe an alert button for seniors?
Let her know that you will learn as much as you can in how to handle her emergency.
(have a talk with her Doctor).
I hope that this helps?
We can only surmise .

I would imagine it is very scary to confront your own mortality. As her friends get older and probably some die, it’s a reminder that she is in the autumn/winter months of her own life. This is probably going to be even more pronounced if she isn’t in the best health.

If she feels the need to make sure you know what her preferences are, and to tidy up loose ends, let her do that. It might help her to feel ready for when the inevitable happens. Beyond that, perhaps try to get her out of her funk by taking her out. Take her to the cinema, the theatre, a garden show every now and then. Take her to lunch and let her be part of your life.

If all else fails, give her a hug and let her know you want her to stick around for a long time yet. As a final thought, make sure she isn’t suffering from depression. Perhaps suggest she mentions how she’s feeling to her doctor.

Just keep doing what you are doing so well, be there as you are. Listen without commenting and try to take her out to nice quiet and green places when you can. Talk about anything else under the sun and perhaps work on getting rid of the depression she has sunk into even with meds if need be. You are her shining star!

Indulge her a bit, and maybe take it to an extreme so that she starts to fight back a little.

For example, when she complains about being “so old”, then start reminding her of people who have died at a younger age than she has already achieved (and keep working your way even younger) to emphasize “how far over the hill” she already is. Really play up the fact that she “could go at any moment”.

Ask about treasured belongings (her treasures, not necessarily the ones that you value), and imagine out loud “how much this will bring at the estate sale” and “I wonder if we should just sell it now?”

Tell her that you have the undertaker on speed dial now, so she’s free to go without notice, because things are all taken care of. Ask where the will is, and if it’s up to date. In the evening, instead of saying “Good night, Mother,” tell her, “Well, if this is the night, then good bye, Mother.”

People generally don’t like to be pushed, and if you act this way in a cheerful, everyday tone – contrary to the solicitous way that you have been acting – as if you’re gently pushing her to her grave, she’ll most likely push back: “I’m not dead yet!” and “I’m not that decrepit!” would be good signs of push-back.

I deal with this on a daily basis, because I dispense hearing aids so most of my patients are over 65. My grandmother also once told me that at age 65 we should be given a switch so we can shut ourselves down when we’re ready – that was nearly 20 years ago and she was about 90 and had Alzheimer’s.

I find that some of it seems tied to personalities, as some of us are more prone to anxiety or depression than others. It does seem hard when ones peers keep dying so there are fewer and fewer people to spend time with – this is where having Senior programs in communities is very helpful. It must also be tough to find oneself becoming more dependent on others after having once been vibrant and in charge.

My patients tell me: “Don’t get old.” and I reply that it beats the alternative.

They say, “What do I need a hearing aid for? I’m _ years old, I don’t have much longer.” I respond that tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us, and it isn’t about how much time we have, but rather what we do with that time.

They complain that going to the doctor became their full-time job once they retired, and I say that it’s something I’ll get to experience if I’m luck enough to live to see retirement.

Sometimes I do wish I could sit and talk with them – especially the ones who seem to have a more positive outlook – and discuss their philosophies and beliefs.

Your mother tells you what to do if this or that happens to her, perhaps you should have her visit with a lawyer to set up an advance directive and give you power of attorney, etc. Once these things are on paper and made legal and binding, she might have some peace-of-mind and be able to stop focusing so much on the ‘what-ifs’. My mother has done this and she gives me a sealed envelope and the key to the safe-deposit box every 5 years as she updates it.

Find out about senior programs or volunteer opportunities in your community. Having something to do – especially if it is helpful to others – is a good boost to self-worth. Having social connections and activities gives one something to look forward to.

@CWOTUS LOL perfect….” Well…if this is the night, goodbye mother!”
Hahaha Oh God….sounds like something I would say. I dunno, I don’t fear death at all, guess my ego is in check, wth…if you’re going to whine and lament about dying just get it over with and save everyone the headaches of your incessant whining. haha

Hey guys: I just read every single word you’ve all written, and I’ll read it again after this brief comment. I just wanted to express my thanks for the heartfelt input. I love the idea of taking her out. We’re very fortunate where I live; we have an independent film theatre that plays movies right up her alley.

I may broach the subject of her will. Does she have a living will? Is her will current? Who has power-of-attorney, if necessary? I’d like to know these answers.

Oh, and oddly enough: Sunday is Mother’s day, so I want to do something marvelous. Just don’t know what, yet.

Having her paper work in order is vital for her (and for you).

Essential documents.

Will
Living will
Medical directive and medical power of attorney.

What about see a film and then high tea? Somewhere lovely. Whatever you do, I’m sure she’ll love it.