How do you get comfortable with someone who is friends with someone you can't stand?

Don’t pretend, it is dishonest to yourself.

You can be honest and straight forward to your cousins without expressing untoward language. If the question arises, just mention that your bio-dad has never taken an interest in your life and it hurts. That’s all you have to say, but don’t let it be a secret that will fester in your own psyche. Get the truth out without animosity or anger, just let them know.

I know this is not easy, but it is not your fault. But people don’t get a pass for this kind of stuff, especially if they are aware of the backstory. Be honest with yourself and take care of yourself.

My go-to answer for situations like this is communication. Although I don’t know all the ins and outs of this situation, and I don’t know the people involved, I would say to talk to the cousins and explain to them why you don’t like your biological dad, and why it’s been bugging you that they are friends with him. Once they understand the situation, I would think they would be a bit more sensitive. If I were you, I think I would stress to your cousins that the relationship with your dad is personal, and that you don’t want it to impact your relationship with them.
Good luck, and I’m sorry you went through so much crud in the past, and that you can’t leave it in the past. That’s horrible.

I’ve been in similar situations @KNOWITALL. This reeks of toxicity building for you.

Personally I despise lies. Lying by omission is a silent killer in relationships for me. The person knows and is hiding something from you that affects your life. Irksome!

I’d do as @zenvelo stated above. Speak directly to the cousins about the situation as it stands.

You said: I’m now finding myself making excuses not to be around them, which is confusing mom and hubby.

Avoidance, IMO is just keeping you in a holding pattern. It’s not solving anything. Be honest & direct with your mom & husband about this, too. Tell them flat out you can’t remain silent and can no longer ‘pretend’ everything is okay when it’s not for you.

Okay, so the other part of the equation is their mom is best friends with my dad’s wife.

If I let them know they made me uncomfortable, I can guarantee you that they would’t feel like my emotional distress is their responsibility, and I tend to agree.

The other day, I asked my female cousin what her son was doing for the summer, and she said he’d been offered a job at the NRA camp in New Mexico by a friend of hers. That just happens to be my sister’s husband that runs it, and the avoidance of that, or lack of acknowledgement, is what bothers me the most.

I’m afraid to say anything and ruin the friendship, but I’m afraid one day I will lose patience and let it fly.

Be prepared to bite your tongue whan you are with them. When You do intend to talk it out, be confident and speak in your most reasonable tones.

You draw a firm line. Tell your cousins that you are uncomfortable around them when they mention your dad or his family.

@Sunny2 I bite and bite and bite, and have for the last year, when I started getting closer with them and found out exactly how close they really are with him/ his family. I kind of want everyone to hate him for what he’s done, and I know that’s wrong, too, but it’s how I feel, especially since they’re family and have known me and my mom all our lives.

@marinelife That’s going to cause problems, but I’ll try.

I agree with marinelife by telling your cousins of feeling uncomfortable.
Just tell them nicely that you would rather hear other things than about
your father etc.
( question: Why does it bother you at all? IF you are done with him?..perhaps you
are not done with him?)

@Inspired_2write I’ve never been done with him and never will give up hoping that he’ll change. I forgave him, but it’s still very difficult for me, we live ten minutes from him and always have.

@KNOWITALL
When you two are ready to talk the time will appear to do so.
In good time.

@Inspired_2write Are you talking about my father? No way, he told my sister things were fine as they are.
In other families, that would be possible, but in this situation, he specifically told my mom that if she gave birth to me against his will, he would never have anything to do with the child (me.) And bless his heart, he told the truth.

@KNOWITALL
What a horrible thing to convey to you.( whomever told you, was not being kind in the telling).
I I have one adult daughter whom has a very angry outlook and refuses to see her own part in her behaviour that has culmulated in our not talking to each other for years.

I suggested therapy for her to find out the reasons and benefits that she gets from keeping this angry stance up?
Not sure If she is ready, but it is her choice.
The last messege that she received from me was to get therapy for herself.

One cannot hope to have a successfull communication when one party does not want to be
civil.
( she had blown up a lot of things to her satisfaction and benefit in getting solace from
others, it is her payoff).

I have adjusted and became resigned to the fact that she will not change her behaviour.
Such is my case.
I hope that in time things will eather pan out or change so that both are happy in your lives with or without each others company.

@Inspired_2write How old is she? I hated my mom for awhile, girls and mom’s get too close and need to break away, to find who they are, from my experience. Where is her father, if that’s not too personal?

My mom has always tried to be honest with me, and let me read her diary from that part of her life.

My daughter is in her late thirties now.
Old enough to review her life and obtain counselling for HER problems.
Her father just came out of the closet???
Explains a lot as to why we had a very hard time communicating in the relationship
of 11 years.
I think because my daughters thought that my ex husband had control over their
inheritance ( from ex inlaws) that THEY stayed with there father ,visiting etc for many years before abandoning him alltogether.
Since I had NO money ( inheritance to impart) they were not interested.
I have since carved out an independant life of my own and my only son visits whenever he can as we get along fantastically.

@Inspired_2write That’s too bad, I’m sorry.
So, they perceived you as weak and not standing up for them, allowing them to be okay with neglecting you? And maybe you drove daddy to being gay as well? (I’m throwing out things that they may think.)

Maybe someday your daughter will realize what a mistake she’s made, I hope so for your sake and hers.

I used to cry about things like that, but maturity and old age catch up and understanding
that WE cannot dictate others to our will etc
She and I have our own lives and I accept that.
If she comes to an understanding I hope it is before the same situation is replayed in her own child?
In life problems such as these will keep reoccurring until one is willing to get that help in understanding our parts in it.
We all have lessons to learn all in our own time.
Not too worry.

@Inspired_2write One of the reasons I chose not to have children, my family situation is messed up and I didn’t want to explain to an innocent child. Partly anyway.

@KNOWITALL I understand your situation. At the same time since I am stepping back and looking in I do believe you need to place blame and anger where it belongs. Your cousins are the innocent party here. Unfortunatley I don’t think you need to confront them, I think you need to confront your “father.” As much as you think you don’t want to, you obviously have feelings that have never been fixed or acknowledged by him. Does that make sense?

@KNOWITALL I think you should try to let him go and not allow your feelings for him to affect your life. You control how you feel, not him.

@nofurbelowbatgirl That is what my family thinks, they really are only guilty of being disloyal to me, in MY mind. I wouldn’t do it to them in the reverse situation, but we’re different people.

@Adirondackwannabe Yeah, I try and have tried most of my life, but this one feels out of my control and always has. Have you never wanted anything so bad that you try and try and try, and fail, and it sticks in your craw? That’s how this feels.

@KNOWITALL Yes, I know that feeling. But he’s said it isn’t going to happen. You also said you want everyone to hate him. And you’re letting that attitude affect your feelings toward your cousins, who have kept you in their lives. Please don’t let your thoughts about him to affect anyone but him. I know that’s tough. But you have to live life to the fullest without letting him drag you down. I lost my father at a young age and I was bitter all the way into college. Then I realized I can’t change what happened and tried to use it for the better. I learned to value people more. I think it’s helped me in life.

@Adirondackwannabe You’re right, I know it. When my cousin’s say hurtful things with no regards to my feelings, should I continue to suppress it though, or just stop hanging out (like I pretty much have already)? If they hurt me repeatedly and don’t care, I’m not sure I need to encourage the relationship further anyway, see what I mean?

@KNOWITALL I see what you mean, and I don’t know the answer. If they’re trying to be hurtful I would think I would pull back. But if they’re just slipping up and things come out in a normal conversation I would cut them some slack. I guess it’s up to your to decide what their intentions are. I don’t know the answer. Best I got Lady.

@Adirondackwannabe Yeah, I think it’s time to gain some distance, and see them around town or something but not often. She knew I knew when she told me and watched my face for my reaction, that wasn’t cool. If they ever ask why, I’ll have an answer for them.

@KNOWITALL That was uncalled for. I agree with you.

@KNOWITALL
Nothing is stationary for too long,things change .
And so will your family.
Hopefully for the better, in the meantime get positive people around you for
moral support etc.
You have YOUR OWN life to live and goals to pursue,without deadweight such as family drama to contend with.

@Inspired_2write I think what you guys are missing is that although I love people and getting to know them and travelling, I keep people at arm’s length normally. My cousins are people I actually trusted and liked, and was myself around, all my life, and I felt safe.

After all the revelations this year, it has killed that trust. Sure I can go on without them like I have my father and my brother and sisters and everyone else I’ve lost in my life, but I’m tired of losing people I care about, because they’re rare. I don’t understand why people feel the need to hurt other people, that’s all.

@KNOWITALL
Some out there hurt others BEFORE they get hurt.(Insecure).
A defence mechanism.
Hense my daughter attacks and then everyone is involved in that action…and not seeing
that it takes the emphasis off of her problems.
In life there are phases of growth, hense your need to branch outward, to find new people to
build trust with etc
Perhaps its time for new scenery, a new life.
Think Positive.
Iam sure you will find your niche.

@KNOWITALL
Finding yourself is the real journey.
Best to you.

@KNOWITALL So remember I said I know how you feel? I am in a situation right now with my bff. What is happening is I am a vegetarian she is a meat eater. I was once a meat eater, I understand, but at the same time she is inconsiderate of my feelings towards it. Although I think in some crazy way she thinks she is being considerate. Take for example, while filling up the gas tank after finishing she gets in the car and says “You’re going to hate me! There was a bunch of bugs around the tank and I killed them.” Me: no answer. I’m thinking why would you tell me that? It bothered me the entire day.

Then you have my sister who said something uncalled for I’m not going to repeat it here to me while we were locked up in my small car on the highway (which is a manual that I am the only one who can drive) in rush hour traffic so I was stressed enough already not to mention I could feel the mania creeping up on me all day that entire day until it exploded in the car at the worst time. I almost killed my mother, sister and I. Where’s the cops when you need them? I was similar to this :/ But IMHO I hate the medias depiction of bipolar as “demonic”. Really?

Anyway, after all that I realized I had 2 choices:

#1 is that I can completely isolate myself from family and friends because I don’t like their behavior patterns…but who am I really?

And

#2 is to completely accept who they are as the people I have come to know and love, sometimes they have no filters, so sometimes I need to not take it so personal.

The issues of insensitivity with your cousins are theirs not yours, it is however your choice if you choose to let what they say control your life/thoughts. Ultimate forgiveness is when you choose to not let those things control you.

Forgive me for saying so, but if there is one thing to learn from your “sperm donor dad”, is that ignorance is bliss. I tell my brother’s son that all the time. My brother deadbeat dad has ignored my nephew as his son, and I mean you should learn a lesson from this. :) here is a good quote I tell my nephew, I think it fits you perfectly ;)

“Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.”

^Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.”
― Douglas Adams, “Mostly Harmless”

I have come to realize that being a vegetarian not everyone cares about being sensitive to your feelings. And if you push all of those who you love away instead of understanding why or how it can lead to a very isolated life.

@nofurbelowsbatgirl Well, on the quote, I am KNOWITALL, and I believe all knowledge has power so I seek to learn all I can, regardless of consequences.

The dichotomy in this is that my mom raised me to ‘treat others as you’d be treated’, and told her they must not want to be treated well because they’re not treating me well, and she said it didn’t work like that.

My point is, that I choose to surround myself with people that build me up, if there’s three of them, okay, if there’s more, great. They are cousins, but if they aren’t smart enough to figure out that they’re hurting me, I really prefer to live without them, it just hurts too much to keep taking it.

Thanks for sharing though, I really appreciate it, doll!!

@KNOWITALL I may have missed something, but how do you know they are intentionally trying to hurt you? IMO, I think you should be honest with your cousins and tell them that it hurts you because maybe they don’t even realize that it affects you. That does not necessarily mean they don’t care about you or they are saying things intentionally. I have been in the situation where I say something that has bothered my sister and because I didn’t realize that it hurt her she got mad at me. She later let me know that it hurt her and I apologized and made sure that I watched how I phrased things when speaking to her. If they really care about you they will understand and have no ill feelings toward you. Also, I have to disagree with the person who said that you should just let your anger towards your father go. I don’t believe it’s that easy because I have been in the situation where my anger built up to the point that I developed depression and anxiety. Your anger has to be addressed, whether it is through meeting with your father and telling him how angry you are, or through therapy. I had to go through therapy because the person who hurt me is no longer living. But personally, I would say to go straight to the source. This doesn’t mean that you in any way need him to change or react a certain way, but there mere acknowledgment that you have a right to be angry and voice it would bring some sort of closure. I hope this helps.

@Cindysin Thanks, I appreciate your comments. They know and are just insensitive, but I will think about it more. Bio- dad won’t meet me, I’ve tried repeatedly and we even made plans and he never followed up as he stated he would.