Am I being used for sex?

If you have to ask a group of strangers, perhaps you are less sure of the answer than you are willing to admit.

If you really believe that “there’s no such thing as being used for sex,” you don’t need to posit, “So am I just a pair of holes lacking a conscious and self-love?” (which actually doesn’t make sense).

Huh? You re comfortable with the situation – you are happy with things.

And then your sister says something and all of a sudden you’re worried.

Stop listening to your sister. You’re a big girl now.

Your sister is probably just worried, because there are a lot of women who allow themselves to be ‘used’ due to lack of self-esteem. Sometimes you have to love and nurture your inner child enough to hold out for better.

May I ask if you had a father in your life growing up?

When I was younger, I did the whole ‘friends with benefits’ a few times and no one was ever hurt, although if you continue to not be careful about protecting yourself from pregnancy, there’s a very good chance you are not responsible enough to play this game correctly, and someone will get hurt.

@elbanditoroso I just didn’t expect her to react the way she did, being that she works for an AIDS and HIV hotline.

@KNOWITALL I didn’t have a father in my life growing up, but also didn’t have issues with boys in my teens. I had issues with my relationships with girls in high school. I’ve already been firm with my friend about using protection so there’s that.

@paperbackhead The reason I asked is because I was a lot the same way.

Girls who grow up without fathers are often more susceptible to inappropriate behavior from guys because we always are seeking male approval.

I have had some girlfriends of course, but as a teen and even as an adult, I still feel much more comfortable around men, and they are my besties. I tend not to trust women as much either.

Because I became self-aware at a younger age, I decided to remain a virgin until I was 18 years old. I didn’t want to be a statistic, you know, a girl without a daddy who goes and gets pregnant so she can give her baby the family she never had, which is very typical here in the US.

I wanted better for myself, and I want better for you, too, sister. Just remember, daddy or not, we have to survive and take care of ourselves in this life, and we deserve better than to be a man’s receptable, we are worthy of REAL LOVE! :)

Sure, he’s using you for sex. That’s the whole point of “friends with benefits”, right?

Aren’t you using him for sex? Yes?

If you want something more out of the relationship, and aren’t getting it, then yes you’re being used. If you’re perfectly content with the situation, then no you aren’t. Women are allowed to control their sexuality, there’s nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive and having the kind of relationship you are, as long as you’re both smart and safe about it. It really comes down to how you FEEL about your relationship.

Also, don’t be mad at your sister, she’s just trying to look out for you. It’s the sister that doesn’t care enough to worry that’s the one to be mad at.

@KNOWITALL That’s understandable, I don’t even have stable relationships with the women in my family. It’s just too much dealing with other women sometimes, especially in the dating world. While that’s very typical here in the US, I think there needs to be less promotion of this whole “Teen Mom” type deal, and more education about how teens can avoid these types of situations. I get what you’re saying but, I enjoy my sexuality, but I also want to be safe. Thanks.

As long as you are in the sexual relationship with your eyes open, it is not your sister’s business. Take care to avoid pregnancy scares!

@paperbackhead Preaching to the choir on that!! HA!

For me, birth control was a major factor in staying on track emotionally and financially, and staying in church and on good terms with God.

I wish you all the best, and if someday you find yourself asking “Isn’t there more than this?”, then remember, there are men out there that would give their left nut to have a good woman, and will make you scream all night long with ecstasy, so don’t waste your time with too many little boys, save something special for your man. :)

@paperbackhead the fact that your sister works for an AIDS and HIV hotline is something to REALLY think about. It’s definitely going to color her opinions and give her cause for concern. She’s immersed in people who have a serious (usually) sexually transmitted disease. The the thing about “friends with benefits” is that there is no promise of exclusivity. He may have 30 other women as “friends with benefits.” That’s what she’s concerned about. I would be too.

There is sexism underlying the perception that women who consciously enter into friends with benefits relations are being used.

If you don’t want your sister to make your personal life her business, then I guess you can’t share it with her. I think @Dutchess_III‘s point is well made, that your sister’s job is going to color her views of sexuality and relationships.

Please take care of yourself, and be safe.

@bookish1 EXACTLY! It’s like women can’t be sexually free, and comfortable with themselves. When we do we get slapped with labels like “slut” and “whore”. Not being able to share things with my twin does hurt, but I’ll get over it.

“I used her an she used me but neither one cared, we were gettin’ our share.”

You have to remember that because your sister works where she does, she is FULLY aware of the truth in the statement that “when you have sex with a guy, your’e also having sex with all of his other partners”.

Are you OK with that? That statement includes past as well as present. If any of them have an STD, then it can be passed on to you as well even tho you’ve never met.

If you ended up with a pregnancy scare then, by implication, that also created an opportunity for STD transmission. Protection is rarely 100% for either pregnancy or disease transmission.

Your sister is acutely aware of this since she daily deals with women unknowingly infected from promiscuous partners.

But. If you’re fine in this situation, then there’s little that she or any of us can say.

But her concern for you is well founded even tho she may not have expressed it in the best way possible. And the fact that you ask this question indicates that you’re giving it some serious thought. Continue thinking.

I was going to say something about the pregnancy scare but I forgot! Glad you brought it up @Buttonstc

@Buttonstc I am aware of that statement. I’ve been ok with it for quite a while now.

@Dutchess_III The thing is that he’s not really sleeping with other people, I’ve been sleeping around with a few people here, and there for the past couple of months. I understand she’s concerned but, she didn’t have to speak too me the way she did. And didn’t have to call me some of the names she did.

Well, as others have said, don’t confide in her again. Sure it’s sad, but no sadder than where you’ve found yourself in your relationship with her now.

See above. “Friends with benefits” seems to imply you are using each other as sex toys. So the answer to your question is yes. By your own admission.

I’m with @syz. Using the other person for sex is basically the definition of friends with benefits. Nothing wrong with that as long as it’s not one-sided.

“I’ve been sleeping around with a few people here”

Ok, first, I thought the whole point of friends with benefits is safe sex – you have an arrangment because of current circumstances and if that changes (i.e. one of you is interested in sleeping with someone else), you inform the FwB.

Second, if you’re that sexually active, perhaps your sister is right to be concerned.

@syz you can be concerned, and also be respectful and non judgmental.

@syz Schooled….lol

@paperbackhead That was respectful. I would’ve used a slur had I wished to be offensive. There’s no getting around the fact that multiple partners increases your risk for sexually transmitted disease. And since that is your sister’s area of expertise (presumably), then she seems to know of what she speaks. How she phrases it is another issue.

Edit: Apologies, my misunderstanding. Considering her work, she should be trained in effective ways to communicate that information. Maybe she’s just casual/thoughtless in her conversation with you because you’re family.

I think she was referring to her sister.

@syz I was referring to my sister

Echo.

I don’t really agree with the people saying it’s normal that friends with benefits just use each other as sex toys. At least in my books, friendship with benefits isn’t just about benefits. It’s also about friendship.
Is he a proper friend to you too? Is he trustworthy, responsible and considerate with your well-being? If you’d say no to something, would he understand, or would he push you to do it anyway?
Your sister is probably worried that you’re seeing some selfish sleazeball who cares more about what he can get away with than about what he does to people. If you’re sure the guy you’re seeing isn’t like that, that he’s a good person, focus on reassuring her of that, I’d say.

This is all equally applicable to men and women, straight and gay.

As for STDs, I’m told it’s a good idea to get yourselves tested regularly.

@fyius Different strokes for different folks. He is a good friend, I feel good about sharing things with him, but at times I think he does blabber about my personal issues to other friends (this could be my own paranoia)

There was one time I felt so uncomfortable I had to voice my discomfort, and without hesitation he stopped, and said “Ok” Other than that, who he is as a person isn’t really something that I feel like I have to explain to my sister being that we’re not dating.

Who cares what your sister thinks? I understand, she’s family, but you can have differing points of view. She’s just looking out for you, but maybe getting into your business a bit too much in the process. No, doesn’t sound like you’re being used for sex. A pregnancy scare should have showed you how this guy really felt about you, if you even told him about it.

@deni Thats what I’m saying, it doesn’t matter what she thinks. He offered to buy pregnancy tests, and got kind of worried, but at the same time voiced that abortion is an unnecessary procedure.

Consenting adults who have agreed on the perimeters of an “unofficial” relationship are perfectly within their rights. Your sister is wrong, but you shouldn’t talk about it with your sister if she doesn’t approved. One of the disadvantages of an FWB is that you really can’t share it with other people unless they are not judgmental. The arrangement works best for women who have gone through menopause.

@Sunny2 I have not really told anyone about my FWB, except an old high school friend. And he thinks it’s awesome! I wouldn’t know anything about menopause yet, but if it works out for both parties then cool?

^^I think it’s fine. (It’s just that you don’t have to worry about pregnancy if you’re post menopause.) You must take precautions at all times.

Concur with @Sunny2. It sounds like your judgmental sister bothers you more than the FWB situation. I don’t know why FWB is so tricky for some people, but it is.

There is nothing wrong with being selectively quiet either. Nobody has to know you’re straight, gay, have a foot fetish, etc. – and it’s really nobody’s business if you engage in FWB. Maybe if you establish a FWB household or go out socially or start a FWB marriage, people will infer the situation.

If you need someone supportive to talk to, maybe identify someone other than your sister.

@bolwerk isn’t that what psychologists are for?

No, it’s what friends and family are for, but understandably not everyone is good at talking about everything. I don’t get the impression you need therapy.

I assume that he´s not getting anything that you aren´t in this situation… That being said, it matters how YOU feel. If you´re comfortable and happy, then rock it (safely).

Honestly I’ll say that I would never be doing what you are but who am I to question your actions? I think if you stay safe you’re fine, just don’t do anything that could really mess with you, and you may feel that you are not being used, and you could very well be right about you and this ‘friend’ but you could also be wrong… but it’s not up to me or anyone else to decide but you. What I’m trying to say is this is up to you. I think your sister has good intentions but you’re right, she shouldn’t be in your personal life, no one should, but still you have to ask yourself, would you be doing the same to her? I think you should have a deep talk with both your ‘friend’ and your sister (maybe not in the same room though)

FWBs mean there is no monogamy or commitment. Why would you have unprotected sex with someone you aren’t committed to or plan a future with. If your sister is a HIV counselor she knows the roulette you are playing with your life banging without a balloon.

Not to mention potential Prego scares. Protect yourself before you get a baby daddy or a gift that keeps on giving till you stop living!