Why do my parents choose to ignore my depression?

Just a thought: Would it be possible to email your school counselor and explain that you need to talk to him, but that you really don’t want other kids to see you walking into his office. He might be able to arrange a way to meet more discreetly. Talking to him sounds like it might be a good first step.

@thorninmud
Well I don’t know his email. And there’s no way to contact teachers unless it’s face to face.
We’re not even allowed to add them on Facebook. Which…I don’t use Facebook anymore anyway.

I’d bet that if you were to ask any faculty member you trust, they’d be able to get his email to you. If not, ask a faculty member if they could send your email to him with a request that he contact you.

Write a brief and clear letter to the school counsellor and drop it off for him in the schools general office. Explain that you want to meet with him discreetly. Old fashion snail mail might just be the answer.

You need to find a free support group in your area, and take a cab, or ride your bike there to help yourself. Step mom and dad sound like they don’t believe you and to be honest, you sound a little bit like it’s a daddy tug-of-war and you’re losing (and honey, that is SO natural with a step mom.)

What I suggest is getting some self-help (even just books), quit cutting (it’s disgusting and germy) and focus on school and working on yourself. Most kids I know don’t hang out at home, don’t care what their parents do, and just want to be with friends. I think you need to take a break from them, even if just in your room.

A lot of us functioning happy adults made it with one parent or no parents, you sound like you have at least three. There are times I would have killed to live with a (step) mom and a dad who paid for everything, kept food in the frigerator and kept the light and heat on. You are blessed, so count those blessings and quit grouching around. Be good to yourself.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Some parents think every teenager gets moody and depressed…that it’s a normal phase they will grow out of. To some extent, of course, this is actually true…many teenagers do go through such a phase, but it shouldn’t be ignored. And some parents, when faced with something upsetting, resort to denial. If they pretend it isn’t happening, it isn’t (in their minds).

To get the help you need, consider going to see your regular doctor. If you’re due for a checkup or shots or an ob-gyn exam, use that time to discuss the depression with your doc. He or she can help you!

In the meantime, remember this: You won’t be there much longer, so hold on and keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that she’ll still be part of your life after you move out, but you will have control over just how much a part she will be.

Good luck!

It just seems to be ignorance on their part.

@augustlan Yeah, they told me it’s just a phase.
A phase that lasts 4 years, I guess.

I don’t feel like it’s a phase. I also have anxiety. And sometimes I have them both at the same time. And it’s like I have a huge hole in my chest and I feel like screaming.

My stepmom makes it worse, because it seems like whenever I’m in a funk like that and vulnerable, she sees it as a prime opportunity to make me feel powerless and like a piece of junk.

I know I’ll get out of this situation. But I honestly don’t feel like I’ll ever escape the depression.

@KNOWITALL Well lets see…if I had friends that actually went out of their houses, I think I’d maybe hang out with them. But I don’t. And I’m not allowed to go anywhere anyway. I’m 17 and I had two friends over, we walked down the street without directly telling my parents (I texted them)...down my neighborhood’s street, and my dad came out looking for me.

Since then my stepmom has him convinced that I’m a rebel and need to be watched. I’m not allowed to leave my yard. And if I go over to a friend’s house, they’re going to drug test me. Not that I’d fail, but it kind of hurts your ego when your parents drug test you every weekend.

So I’m forced to be around them. They keep me as a ward in my room and I can’t even talk to them without getting ignored or bombarded with rude comments until I eventually go away.

And I’d rather be loved and trusted. I’m grateful that they provide for me ( they give me the bare necessities that they have to for it not to be considered neglect even though they make over $120,000 a year ), but I’d like to have a relationship where I could actually talk to my parents.

I feel like this is deeper than “daddy-tug-of-war”.

I’ve had depression my entire life. My parents are voluntarily and knowingly making it worse.

@Feta Yeah, it doesn’t seem like a phase in your case. When will you be 18? At that point, you can get the help you need without their permission. For what it’s worth, I suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life, too, and didn’t get help until I was in my late 30s. Please don’t make that same mistake! As soon as you can legally do it, get help. My life is ever so much better now. I not only survived it, I am thriving…and so can you. {hugs}

@Feta So you can’t have friends over (because you don’t have friends that leave their houses?), and even if you did you’d get drug tested (totally worth it to have fun.)

So what is the drug connection, are you an addict or did you try something and they busted you? So now you’re eternally the ‘bad kid’ or am I missing something? The one thing you can do, is get dad alone and tell him you need help. Scream it if you have to. You may have to FORCE him to listen, but you’ll find it inside you when you get desperate.

I guess if nothing else, you’ve always got all of us jellies, and we’re pretty good at listening.

@Feta – wow. I feel for you in several ways.. First similarity, my mom was abusive and I moved in with my dad and my step-mom for the last couple of years of high school.
My step-mom had never had kids before and my dad is kind of an argumentative guy..so conditions were definitely there for a bad experience..but in retrospect, it went way differently – I’ll get to that in a moment.
Second similarity..now I’m a step-mom and a teenager I love and care for has depression, too. (Though, I’m not a social worker, and we DID get her help..so…again…kinda different.)

Here’s what made my relationship w/ my parents at your age a different dynamic, I think:
My grades were really good. I was attending college classes after high school – so I had freedom to drive the car to campus and basically wherever I wanted as long as I was home by curfew. I also had a couple of jobs – and was working hard at both school & saving money. Also, my step-mom is wonderful. She was loving, supportive and patient..I think she was amazingly gracious to take on a 16 yr old as a newlywed (esp. because she was previously childless and suddenly had a teenager thrust on her)..

Anyways, despite my dad and I bickering a bit – it went smoothly. Mainly because I proved myself to them by being a really good student and really diligent & responsible. So..in turn they gave me a lot of freedom.

Seems to me that what’s missing for you is freedom. It sounds like you are being given very little freedom – not being treated like a 17 year old..and it’s possible that something has happened in the past that caused your dad and step-mom to not trust you…or it’s possible that if you’re really depressed and not feeling motivated to get out of bed and do school work..you’re not doing well at school…and it’s become a big ‘ol vicious cycle.

I understand how having good grades might be next to impossible with depression and anxiety. I also understand you probably really need to talk to a therapist.

Here’s what I’d recommend:

Find a therapist / counselor nearby (research on the web) and get contact info for them.
Either write an email or carefully write up and print out a letter to your dad.
Explain to him that you are struggling at school (and in life) and you don’t think it’s just a phase and you want to visit THIS counselor and you need him to set up the appt.

Give him ALL the info. and push for him to make that next step – make the appt.
Once you have a counselor you’ll have an outside advocate who can help you get what you need to fix the anxiety and depression.

Also, in your shoes, I’d literally get a calendar and begin a countdown to age 18.
MAKE PLANS. Figure out what you want to do as a next step—think of it as your “Escape Plan” to get away from your step-mom. She sounds like she does not understand depression (lots of people who haven’t had it don’t!! And in teens depression can manifest as anger, lethargy and belligerence-which many parents will misinterpret as teenage “lazy, moody typical teen” behavior!!) ...she may just “not get it”—but sounds like she’s toxic to you…so focus on plans to get.away.ASAP. Put your energy there—because having something to look forward to is a good thing for you.

@geeky_mama

Well, that’s just it though. I’m a good kid. The only reason they want to drug test me and keep me on lockdown is because I made the mistake of telling them that I was worried about a good friend who had begun smoking pot (that was when I was on good terms with them).

And even though I’ve never done any drugs, they act like they can’t trust me when I hang out with this girl. Or that they can’t trust me at all. I thought I was doing the right thing by talking to them about it.

They don’t trust me because my stepmom was previously married to a man that had a daughter my age.
The girl was good in school like me (straight A’s in all AP classes and had a future planned). Well, since she wasn’t a problem, they gave her freedom and independence.

She ended up on drugs, almost being beat into a gang, and pregnant before she graduated high school. Needless to say, she didn’t go to college.

So my stepmom said she’s tried giving her kids freedom, now she’ll try the polar opposite.

And this is just a recent thing. They were cool about the first 3 years of me living here. Now it’s just hell.

I get yelled at for slipping up and saying “Jesus”, they force me into saying grace when they know I’m not a Christian, even though I make straight A’s for my OWN benefit, they make me present them with every report card and every progress report. They want to join the PTA at my school…I’m 17!!! Not 6. They don’t need to join the PTA. They got mad at me for throwing away the sign-up sheet without showing it to them.
They micromanage my life.
I’m having an old friend come up from the state I moved from over the summer. I should have my license by then to drive, but when I expressed my plan to my dad about having my license before she came so we could go the pool/mall/wherever, he changed his mind and said I couldn’t take my driver’s test before she comes.

And when I brought up again why I wanted to have it before she comes, he said, “Well if that happens, one of us is going to have to ride in the backseat with you guys.”

Most of my friends have their own cars and jobs…my parents won’t even let me get a job. They said I could but I’d have to walk to work.

I’m just saying, they have nothing to worry about with me. I don’t do drugs, I make straight A’s, the only thing I do wrong is from time to time I say “Jesus Christ” out of anger. In my opinion, I could be saying worse.

I told them I could be a much worse kid and that I don’t feel like they appreciate that.
They said, “We know you can.”

And I do have plans for college. I even go to a summer camp at that college.

It’s just that my stepmom is a perfectionist. I think she wants her perfect, bible thumping Christian, right-wing, family and I’m hindering that being liberal and a spiritualist.

She yelled at me because I got a Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mail. She basically said it was disgusting that I look at catalogs like that and to get rid of it because her husband doesn’t need to be looking at women in underwear.

I don’t even shop there! I’m on a mailing list. It wasn’t even my fault. But apparently I’m a deviant now.

I don’t even know what the problem is. When she was my age she left home to live with a man and raise is aforementioned daughter. She smoked and dropped acid etc. So did my dad.

And yet they’re choosing to pretend like they have a perfect life and a perfect daughter and that I don’t have depression and allowing my condition to get worse. I was even suffering from anorexia last year and they didn’t do anything to help me. But they knew.

They always say they’re too busy.

I spent months laying on my floor staring at the ceiling praying to whatever and becoming “spiritual” and I helped myself.

But, oh, they’re great parents because they buy me stuff (their own words). And what I mean by “stuff”, is I’ll ask for new shampoo and conditioner or acne medication and they’ll whine and call me spoiled until we eventually go get it.

Clothes, a car, asking to go somewhere, money? Forget it. I don’t even ask because the answer is “no”.

So when I jump off a bridge (which I told them I was going to do, in all seriousness, and they laughed), I guess my stepmother will realize that forcing a child to live an oppressive lifestyle even when they’re almost legal adults is just as bad as total freedom.

And god forbid she ever be given the task of being the guardian of another kid, at least that kid will be given a happy medium of parental enforced oppressiveness and freedom.

Trial and error, right?

I just don’t understand…she studied psychology in college…recently. She graduated last year. And yet she’s knowingly allowing very obvious depression and self-harm and a kid that ASKED for help (she’s lucky I want help) get worse.

(sorry for dumping this on you, you just seem like you get it)

Okay that explains a LOT. Some conservatives feel like that’s keeping you safe and pure. I moved out at 17.

Oh man @Feta…that does sound familiar. Before I left my abusive mom’s I was forced to attend church 5X a week (Assembly of God)...and when I was being forced into that religious life I also developed anorexia. (When parents / guardians are overly controlling and the only thing you can control is whether or not you eat… sometimes this manifests as an eating disorder. Explanation here)

It sounds like your step-mom is overcompensating for her issues with her daughter – but what she isn’t realizing is you aren’t the same person—you are a totally different person and should be given the same chances / freedom / opportunities to make choices.

It sounds like your best bet is to try to discuss it with your dad—or if your parents really won’t listen, and if you’re really truly feeling like you’re going to harm yourself – get yourself to the nearest hospital ER. If you show up and tell them you’re thinking of harming yourself the hospital WILL keep you and they will get you help—even if your parents are in denial and not listening.

All you need to do is just survive until age 18 – and then you’re free. Don’t lose sight of that..and keep reaching out to others who will understand. Friends, Teachers, anyone who will listen. Find people who know how you feel.
The world is a big, awesome place..and if you can just get through this next year (or less) of being stuck with your overbearing, overprotective parents..it WILL get better.

It sounds like you have dysthymic disorder which is depression but symptoms are less severe than major depression. The reason they may not take it serious is because they don’t see the full blown symptoms. The symptoms of dysthymic disorder is being able to still function and continue in every day life but still feel feeling sad or unimportant. Other symptoms are anxiety, being irritable, and behavior issues. If anyone in your family has ever had major depression theres a good chance you have dysthymic disorder. If you believe you do have dysthymic disorder it would be very beneficial to find somebody/anybody to get you help. Medication would be helpful and talking to a therapist would be great to. It is very treatable and cognitive therapy could potentially cure it. However, if you do not ever get help it could turn into major depression.

@coopercathcart

Yeah, my dad had depression.

But the antidepressants he was on made him feel drugged and gave him nightmares. And he felt like he needed it to get through the day.

Being a pharmacist that hates his job and pharmaceutical companies, he doesn’t want me to be on antidepressants because it will “alter my brain chemistry”.

And I think my stepmom just doesn’t want me to go to therapy because most of the therapists around here are her friends and if they knew she was a main cause of my problems rather than the load of bull she feeds them that I’m “damaged” from child abuse, she would lose her good rep.

@Feta, I am assuming that your parents would not pay for you to go to college. If that is the case, you have to leave as soon as you turn 18.

As for your attitude toward your step-mother, try turning your anger into compassion. For years I felt anger toward my mother, until I realized that she was a narcissist. It was all about her all the time, and my father was a part of it because he went along. When I realized this, I was able to transform my resentment into pity.

I feel you.

My older brother got heavily involved with drugs. I used to wake up to my mother staring at me in the dark. She was watching my breathing, convinced I was on drugs. She kept insisting on drug testing me. I was so fed up with having to deal with the consequences of actions that weren’t even mine. I was a good kid. Pulled good grades. Well-behaved. But they treated me like a rebellious, drug-addled teenager. I was furious! I agreed to take a test, but if it came back clean I was going to move out. I remember that fight I had with my mom because it was probably the only time I’ve ever screamed at my mom. The irony was that my older brother (who was using drugs) had to calm us both down.

Bad news: twenty years later and my parents are still crazy
Good news: after moving away to college, it’s a lot less intense when you don’t have to live with them

Your relationship with your stepmom and dad may never be what you want it to be. But you’re a senior in high school now, so your internment is almost up.

Hold on—you’re almost there!