Is it 'normal' that when you have a fall out with you partner that he seeks out solace with his ex?
I have had a 4 year more on than off relationship with my partner and I acknowledge that we have a very toxic, love/hate relationship. He claims to be a very honest person and I always get the devil in the detail, which often can leave more damage than not saying anything at all.
Prior to meeting him he met his ex through work, they had a 6 month affair as he was married at the time and apparently his ex wife knew of the affair. He chose to end the relationship and settled it seemed for about 7 years with his wife and they had 2 sons. His wife then had an affair which led to the breakdown of his marriage. He then got back in touch with his ex and again had a 6 month relationship with her. Not long after I came into his life.
I have lived with him which proved too much for my mental health due to our difference in concepts of how we felt a relationship should be conducted. I recognised that I was becoming mentally unwell as I was feeling violent towards him and chose to leave and subsequently have bought my own house.
We continued to have a relationship and still do, however living in separate homes is proving difficult and I have every reason to have trust issues with him.
Practically every time that we have had a break up, but got back together, he has contacted his ex and gone to her home. He has told me that on one of the occasions he nearly had sex with her and on another occasion they had sex…he justified his actions in that he said she was stating that they wouldn’t do anything and he wanted to prove to her that he could. Subsequent to the occasion when they had sex she contacted him telling him that she loves him…he informed me that from his point of view she is just a friend.
We have had a recent fall out and again he sought solace in her. He stated she contacted him late at night claiming she was mentally not in a good place and threatening to self harm. As a friend he went to her home and he stated that she was quite intense and coming onto him and obviously had other intentions telling him she loved him several times. He stated that they didn’t have sex and I do believe him, and he wanted to prove to me that he could go to her home and not have sex with her.
Is all this normal? Do other people seek out an ex in times of relationship difficulties? Does this prove that there relationship isn’t just platonic?
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27 Answers
This is an unhealthy relationship all around.
He has infidelity issues that are well documented.
You have mental health issues that involve trust issues and anger issues.
It appears neither of you are interested in a mutually open relationship (judging by your jealousy and his breakup over his ex-wife’s infidelity)
I think it’s time to call it quits.
You said it yourself, it is a toxic relationship. If you are unable to leave it means you have just as many issues and need help with your own stuff as much as he dies. It takes two to do the toxic tango.
“Normal” is not the correct terminology – “healthy” is what you should be asking, and the answer is “no”.
To some degree, it’s not surprising that he has some sort of attachment to the mother of his children, but he clearly has unresolved issues with his former relationship. Cut your losses and move on. Life is hard enough without allow toxic relationships to derail your own health and happiness.
When you said you had “every reason to have trust issues with him” what did he do or not do? or was it that you thought he did things but had no basis for that belief?
To me, if she threatened to harm herself, the right thing for him to do would not be to run over there like a knight in shining armor, it would be for her to get proper medical help. It seems manipulative of her to do that, and he’s either a fool or a sucker or telling you what he thinks sounds good.
Break up already. I know it is very hard, but do it do it do it. Or, don’t do it and stay with a guy who cheats and lies.
Just for clarity my ex with regards to our differences in relationship concepts believes in open relationships and has always attempted to persuade me towards that option. We actually get on in lots of ways too but we are binary opposites with regards to how relationships should be.
@Seek_Kolinahr – I acknowledge that I obviously have some mental health concerns where my partner is concerned. I have tried many times to call it quits but I always go round in circles. I do not like being single and I’m obviously needy in that area…every other aspect of my life I am very strong and independent, I am a professional in my working life and safeguard adults…I just can’t seem to safeguard my own mental health were he is concerned.
@jca – when I was in the initial stages of our relationship I fell for him with a bang…he had another female friend who he saw on a daily basis taking his sons to school, they had a physical relationship for a few months when he had left the above mentioned ex, just before I came along…he continued to be her friend, and I trusted that is all they would be as he constantly reassured me, however 5 months into our relationship over a 2 week period he slept with her on 3 separate occasions..as I say I have subsequently had the devil in the detail. Over that same 2 week period he slept with his ex wife on one occasion.
Call me stupid I know, but at that time his grandmother had just past away and he persuaded me that his mental health wasn’t good and I tried to forgive him…as I say at that time I was hook, line and sinker. However, all of that led to massive trust issues on my part…obviously in this case trust can never be repaired as it led to many situations of conflict of which I was also the instigator due to my insecurities.
No, it’s not normal and he’s still hung up on her. Dump him, who wants to fight all the time anyway, you both deserve better.
I had my answer as soon as I read “toxic relationship”. No, it is not normal and it is not healthy for you to continue in this relationship. To be blunt, he sounds like an asshole to me and you sound very insecure and almost taken advantage of. I think you should end the relationship as soon as possible and spare yourself any further heartbreak. You deserve more.
It is not uncommon but I would not call it normal . @Seek_Kolinahr ‘s advice sounds like the best advice to follow under the circumstances. If you want to take care of you and your mental health, I suggest you follow her advice.
In the words of the genius poet that is Britney…
With a taste of your lips, i’m on a ride
You’re toxic, i’m slippin under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic?
Ahem, yeah…get rid.
@definitive You aren’t stupid. It is extremely painful to break off this type of relationship, believe I know, I have been there. Mine was not exactly the same, but I have been with a cheater and liar, I was with him for years. When we broke up I was an absolute mess. Do you have support from friends and family? Lean on them hard, find a therapist you like, and do it. Can you move out of town?
Normal for some people who like drama in their lives.
He is playing both women and possibly more that you do not know about.
He lives in either place (probably rent free)?
He just bounces from one to the other.
Let the Ex have him and tell him so!
You need a better life and a better partner (healthy relationship),where there is respect.
@definitive: This sounds crazy. He’s with this one, he’s with that one, he’s doing what he wants when he wants. He’s full of excuses. This is crazy drama and it’s not good for you.
You say he’s into open relationships (obviously) and he has been trying to get you to go in that direction. It seems that he is already in that direction whether you like it or not. I would be so done with him so fast his head would spin.
I am guessing he’s a major part of your life. Busy yourself with friends, exercise, groups (book group, craft group, etc.), travel, keep busy and try to keep your mind off him.
If you don’t break up with him, you will find that years of your life have gone by and have been wasted. Meanwhile there are nicer guys out there. Life is too short for this bullshit.
I’m really not sure what normal is. I think the measure of what is normal for you for example would be, if this is acceptable to you and makes you happy? He sounds a bit like a love sponge, soaking it up wherever he can get it. Some ex’s are just easy that way, they make us feel safe and familiar. But I don’t think it is appropriate myself. I also question the agenda behind such ‘honesty’ as he calls it. Is it to get himself off the hook with you for example. Or most importantly is he really being honest with himself and what he wants?
Do you realize that as long as you’re wrapped up with him you are not available to attract into your life the type of guy you deserve, one who will love, respect and cherish you?
Even if any future guy you meet is not consciously aware of your relationship with him, the vibe you give off is “already involved”.
So a decent guy will not pursue and the only other ones you will attract are just like this loser who don’t care about whether someone is off limits or not. Healthy boundaries mean nothing to them. They are greedy pigs.
Is that what you want for your life? You deserve better. Bite the bullet and dump this lying loser. Go through the pain and emerge stronger. The right guy is out there for you. It isn’t this guy. And the more time you spend with him, the more wasted years pass by.
Nice catch, Gail. You are a super sleuth with a sharp memory.
But this is such a sad situation and, if the past is any indication, will continue to be so.
I remember the dramatically miserable people; it gives me no pleasure to be a good sleuth.
@gailcalled – Yes he is the same guy in question and I’m not proud to admit. I have a little boy with this man which further complicates my situation…my son wasn’t part of my life plan but I would most definitely not be without him, he keeps my head above water and brightens my days. The difficulty I have is that in my son’s best interest I have to maintain contact and amicability, my little boy has a very good relationship with his Daddy. However due to having my little boy I’m unable to avoid contact with my partner…I have recently tried it for a month and end up giving in and we end up back together.
I have safeguarded myself in the sense that I have bought my own house, so prevents us living together permanently. He obviously has something women want, as he has now increased his trail of ‘followers’. I have empathy for the above mentioned ex as he obviously has never closed the door to her and it is my understanding when they were together he told her that he’d come back for her when he was in a position to do so…she obviously is vulnerable and maybe subconsciously is living in hope that he’ll stick to his word.
I have friends who I see most weekends and take on board all of your advice, many thanks…you have all given me food for thought and I agree with all your points…in my head I know the answers, in reality I let down my barrier that I promise myself that I will guard…
Maybe I’m not convinced that the right guy is out there for me…and I have a subconscious fear that I will end up on my own.
Again many thanks for your responses x
@definitive Like my mama always said, you can’t find Mr. Right if you’re wasting all your time with Mr. Wrong. Being alone is providing a service to yourself to grow and change. :) Good luck.
@definitive You can “divorce” yourself from this man romantically and still have him be a presence in your son’s life – if you have the strength to do so.
@definitive When I broke up with my cheating lying boyfriend there were times I was willing to go back, even times I was desparate. Someone said to me, “I would never be someone’s number 2 girl.” For whatever reason that helped me get the strength to not go back, and not ever have sex again with him. This man is not your partner, not your SO, not anything that should be associated with a title of commitment. You are just one of the many for him.
You really need to think about what you want. Do you regret staying in this relationship? Do you look back and think, “I really should have broken it off 5 years ago, but now…” Well, do you want to be in that same place 5 years from now? I promise once you get through the worst of it, you will feel much much happier.
Plus, you need to think of your son. Your sn has a really high likelihood of becoming his father, because his example will be not only is it ok to cheat and lie and have more than one woman, but also that women, his mother and his dad’s ex, will tolerate it. My ex’s entire family all had wives and all had girlfriend’s, know what I mean? Everyone knew. Their kids knew. Maybe you can be stronger for your son than you can for yourself to raise him to be a man of integrity.
I don’t say this to be mean, I really really know how hard it is. And, if you choose to stay I don’t judge you for one second. But, my heart breaks that you didn’t move forward to a life that you deserve.
Thank you all for your supportive words. .I will take your advice on board. .hopefully I will turn out to be a ‘diamond in the rough’ :-) x
@definitive
Try and think about what is best for your son rather than finding a new partner?
IF one stays in a toxic relationship it teaches there children patterns that will be hard to break.
In short your son may be learning bad behaviour from his father?
He deserves a better life and so do you.
Consider you son’s future “wife” years ahead thanking you for teaching him how to be a loving faithfull partner.
Good luck and have strength.
@Inspired_2write and @JLeslie again thank you for compassionate advice. I do consider my sons wellbeing in all of this circus type relationship but thankfully he appears to be a very stable and settled 2½ year old…after all my teenage daughter and my little boy were the main reasons as to why I chose to not live with my partner in the situation I was in anymore…
My little boy is also thankfully not witness to anything that would cause me alarm with regards to his father’s deep routed concepts. We have an agreement that if we were both to get involved with other people and go our separate ways that neither of us will introduce our new partners before a 6 month period at least and we will discuss it with each other first. My ex has agreed that if he was to have ‘casual’ relationships then he would not have the women stay at the house whilst my son is there.
Obviously I am concerned that my son will be introduced to different women and pick up learnt behaviour’s from his dad as when I first met my partner he introduced three different women within a 6 month perod, including me, to his two boys…he has subsequently admitted that is a mistake that he won’t make with his children again. I hope that he keeps his word as I won’t let the matter go lightly where my little boy is concerned.
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