Have you ever not accepted an apology?

My core integrity has been maliciously insulted in a very public manner

I can’t think of a better time to fight for what you believe in. Don’t accept the apology if you feel it isn’t heartfelt.

Yup, if it’s something that pisses me off, I won’t accept an apology. Some things just can’t be apologized for and the person deserves to fell like shit.

Yes, in particular when they have deeply hurt me but don’t accept any personal responsibility. The half-ass apology is generally something along the lines of “I’m sorry you felt that way.” Yeah, thanks, but no thanks.

I’m sorry this person has put you in this situation- I am angry for you. From what it sounds like, I think it is perfectly acceptable, even preferable, to stand your ground here. It’s simply not okay to publicly
insult or defame someone so deeply, and you don’t want him to walk away from this thinking he’s gotten away with something. You have every right to defend yourself. You deserve an apology, but you certainly don’t have to accept it.

Being the person that you are, a sensitive, well-spoken, highly educated and polite, you will just politely refuse to accept the apology and just stick to formalities if it has to do with work. You know very well what to say and how, but accept feeble apologies, NO!

Just bear in mind that people who can’t reach your high level will do anything to bring you down to their revolting level! You may have to stomach him and others like him for the sake of work but accept, NO WAY, make it clear and try hard to hit him where it hurts most in the “sweetest” way possible!

When I was battling The Worst Boss In The World, his boss set up a meeting between us. I was very clear with him that, whatever the outcome of that meeting, I would NOT be shaking hands with my ex-boss. Handshakes are for people who respect each other, or who agree with each other over some matter. I knew TWBITW would never abide by any agreement.
When a close friend insulted my wife a few weeks after I married her, I hung up on him. He called my back and apologized, and I hung up on him again. It has been 29 years, and while he is a friend on Facebook, I still have no interest in talking to him.

No, but in the right circumstance I definitely could see me not accepting one. Since it is work related I am inclined to say it might be best to accept it, even if internally you don’t. But, we don’t know all the details of course. We don’t know exactly what the apology will include, so you can’t necessarily decide ahead of time what you will do. Just because you accept the apology does not mean all is forgiven. If you don’t accept it, if you want to soften it because you have to continue towork with all these people, you can say, “I cannot accept your apology at this time,” and even explain in a sentence why if it will make you feel better. Explain the piece of shit thing they did to you.

I don’t think this should be done in a big public setting, your boss is making a mistake in my opinion. It’s like a man proposing in public and the SO might not say yes.

I’ve not accepted apologies in my heart and mind, but never had to reply to it out loud. The new top executive of our practice insulted my entire department at a company-wide meeting. The next day we had a department meeting in the conference room, and the exec. walked in and said something to the effect of having heard that some of us were upset by what was said, and that it wasn’t meant to insult us, then walked out. Which was when I said, “Well, that was the emptiest apology ever; and I’ve heard a lot, having once been married to an alcoholic”.

My advice to you, Jake, is to spend time today contemplating what you think might occur in the meeting – from worst to best-case scenarios – and consider some phrasing that you might use. Such as, “I understand that you regret what you said; but what you feel/believe is still in opposition to ___, which has shown me that you are not the person you’d led me to believe that you are.” Finish on a high note: imagine that person sincerely expressing what you want and need to hear from them, and how you would accept a genuine apology. Then take a while to meditate, after which do something to empty your mind of it – like some exercise, getting out in nature, or spending time with folks who truly care and support you. Do your best to get a good night’s sleep, and good luck! <3

EDIT: Oh crap. I just realized that with the time difference, your meeting is this afternoon. Well, my suggestion still stands; just without the sleep in-between. Do some contemplation and visualization this morning and make a point of spending some down-time before going to the meeting.

@hearkat Doesn’t the history matter? An alcoholic is apologizing all the time, and after a while the apology means nothing because they hurt those around them over and over again. But, someone who does something shitty once, but has a history of being a good person, does it really matter if they apologize the “right” way. It takes an effort for most people who have integrity to apologize, to go up to a person, feel awkward, know something they did hurt someone and say I’m sorry.

Oh Jake – this is not something you need! I know that you will have the ability to respond in a way that is true to you.

My abuser apologized to me by saying, “If I hurt you, I’m sorry.” I never have considered that a true apology and have never accepted it in my heart.

These are a examples of an empty apology:

“I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

“I’m sorry I offended you, but (and they go on to justify their actions).”

“I appologize.” is just as meaningless, but many people do it like that, and consider it enough.

These are empty apologies because the speaker takes no personal responsibility for what he did.

Elephants have long memories, and when I’m hurt by someone who is unwilling or unable to offer an apology or gives only a perfunctory one like “Sorry you feel that way,” I find it hard to, er, tusk that they won’t do the same thing again.

Forgiveness isn’t responding as if it never happened and its not making yourself vulnerable again. It’s cutting our the cancer that eats away at your insides. You know the one. Resentment, hate, anger. All those things that destroy you and do nothing to the offender.
Forgiveness frees you and takes away their power to hurt you any longer.

Feel free to not accept the apology. Say, “I’m sorry, but that’s not enough. What I want is X.”

Get your crying out of the way before you are in public. You don’t want to appear weak. (Sorry, but it’s true that tears weaken your position. Not that they should, but they do in our society.)

I’m sorry that this person hurt you so deeply. What the heck is wrong with people?

I hate the word “Sorry”. I always thought that if someone was sorry about something serious (or if I were sorry for something), he/she (or I) would do more than just say “sorry” because it means more than that. In talking about any type of verbal apology, it’s probably still a similar concept. Actions speak louder than words. If your “core integrity has been maliciously insulted”, then I don’t see why you even have a need to associate yourself with the offending person anyway. “Sorry” will never solve anything. To say something that violates you’re integrity takes a lot of carelessness and resentment, even if it wasn’t directed at you, and that’s hard to get past. So, appreciate his apologetic words at least, but you don’t need to accept them. To rebut him or say anything else in his face is definitely not worth it for a sleazy person like him, either.
Let me know what happens.

You don’t have to accept the apology. When they are through say, “My core integrity has been maliciously insulted in a very public manner. I understand your words, but do not accept the apology because of the original hurtful manner I was insulted!”

To me, apologies are worthless. The person who caused the issue already did the bad thing, whatever it is. That can’t be taken back.

Apologies are just a way for him/her to get out of some sort of trouble.

Do what you wish, in the sense of accepting or not accepting the apology, but remember that it is for HIS benefit, not yours.

No, but I had a friend not accept mine.

I was jokingly expressing my opinion to another mutual friend that I thought she was a “kiss-ass” and that’s the only reason our teacher liked her ( she even said that ).

But a distant friend of her overhead and, the only appropriate word is “tattled”.

She did this because she was looking to be friends with my friend again. Even though my friend confided that she wished she’d never been friends with this girl and some other harsher adjectives about her.

Well after this girl and her boyfriend “cyber bullied” me and called me every name in the book, they went back to her and said I was bullying THEM. They said I would never make it out of this town because artists don’t get anywhere in life. So I told him baseball players get nowhere! I mean that’s the ambition he’s riding on…no backup. And she wants to be an engineer or something; good luck finding a job.

So needless to say she sided with them and yelled at me for bullying her “friends” and I apologized multiple times on my part because I didn’t know she’d be upset and also for my apparent bullying of her friends.

She didn’t accept and still blatantly ignores me but claims to have “forgotten” all about it.

I choose to accept apologies from anyone unless they physically assault me or demean me publicly or give an insincere apology. Being one with a short temper, I understand people say things they don’t mean and want to take them back.

But if it’s over something stupid that hinders a friendship? I’ll accept it.

Sometimes I’ll accept and not mean it. I just don’t see a point in holding grudges.

I accept the apology but most often I also dump the person.
I dumped a guy friend a few years ago who was super intense, always wanting to have extremely deep discussions and getting upset with me when I told him that he was exhausting and that as much as I enjoy intelligent and thoughtful conversation sometimes it is nice to just fucking relax and talk about “shallow” subjects.
He went off on me and got angry because I set a boundary as to how much freaking, hardcore, quantum physics, philosophical topics and general debate of the universe I was willing to engage in.
He did call the next day and apologize for getting angry with me, but I had already decided I was going to phase him out.

Jesus, the guy was just too much.

To me, whatever is the reason the person did something so asshole-ish is more indicative of the type of person that they are than any apology they give me afterward. They may be under pressure to apologize, or they may feel bad and want to alleviate their guilt feelings. Whatever it is, this person will be written off other than polite, civil encounters when they can’t be avoided, like if the person is at a party or the home of a mutual friend.

I have trouble giving any more advice without some more details about what the person did to you.

Sounds like a very tough situation. I think unless you truly believe that he regrets what he did and will never do it again, you are under no compunction to accept his apology. Public apologies are often to assuage the guilt or compensate for the loss of social status of the apologizer, rather than to make true amends.

To answer the main question, I think that it is different to accept an apology versus actually forgiving the person. Accepting an apology has to do with the ego of the other person, while forgiving them has to do with releasing yourself from the pain they have caused you, as @Judi said.

I know what I want, and it’s more than a public apology.

What would you like?

I too feel that the public airing of the issue is one thing, but the public apology only continues to put you on the spot, as your question makes clear.

Would a private meeting afterwards help or only exacerbate things? The person in charge may not get what he wants; perhaps your needs come first.

I am sorry; this is a tough call.

Perhaps say publicly only that you have no response; then leave the room.

(Or let us arrange a vigilante posse to take care of the issue on the sly.)

Can you speak to the person in charge of the meeting and tell him you do not want to be put on the spot about what occurred in a meeting. I’m not sure how to go about it, but it seems you can maybe head a public apology off at the pass. Or, was everyone who is attending the meeting offended, and the offender needs to have a resolution with all who are present?

Yep, a true apology must come undiluted with no conditions attached, otherwise it’s no apology at all.

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.

You can forgive and forget – listen to what this person has to say, if it is heartfelt and they truly regret it then accept it and move on.

You can forgive and not forget – if their apology is half-assed. Forgive them because you need peace, not because they deserve forgiveness. In this case you are likely coming to the conclusion that this is a coerced apology.

In either case, if this is a workplace issue, you will want to document the incident and make it part of your personnel record. Employers hate these kinds of issues because it exposes them to a “hostile” workplace claim. Any further issues and they would have no choice but to fire the offender. Hang in there, people can be unkind, but remember that says more about them than it does you. Peace, BosM

Only because I was still so angry with the person that I didn’t want to hear their apology at the time. Later on when they apologized again, I accepted it. In your case, it sounds almost like this is just some forced obligatory apology and doesn’t really mean anything.

Thank you, all. Your words and ideas have given me some good things to meditate on today as I prepare for the meeting, and I mean that literally. I will be meditating, trying to gain a focused center.

I realized reading some of the posts that I was not clear where this action occurred. It was not in the workplace. I am on the Board of Directors of a very public non-profit organization in the town where I live (I am a past president of this board). Another board member disagreed with some of my opinions about policy and procedures, and he sent out an email to the board lying about my actions and words. The email message was full of vile accusations and untruths.

I realize this is just an anonymous Internet forum and that you have no way of knowing whether I am telling the truth.

@Judi has a wise suggestion that was reiterated by @bookish1. I must forgive for my own peace of mind, and I must cut away the cancer. I will not be quitting the Board of Directors of the organization. I will find other ways to cut this man out of my life.

Mea culpa can’t excuse all transgressions. You’ve been hurt very badly, and you already know that you need more restitution than a mere verbal apology. Deeds, not words…

It’s usually gracious, but never required, to accept an apology. That’s especially true if the person’s apologizing under duress rather than from sincere regret.

@Hawaii_Jake If you can prove or if it obvious that the person’s words were lies, then I would make that public to the Board, and let them get rid of him.

@Hawaii_Jake : Wow, that is dirty. Good luck today. I know you will face the situation with dignity and grace. And hopefully the whole board already knows that this guy is pathetic and petty.

@marinelife Yes, I can prove they are lies line by line and will do so. I am prepared.

When someone says “I’m sorry, I was wrong” to me, I just say “I wish that helped remove the hurt you caused, but it doesn’t.”

@Hawaii_Jake Rooting for you.

@Hawaii_Jake This person said (or wrote) harmful things about you that are untrue. That’s defamation. I’m sure you know that already, but it’s worth mentioning. A truckload of apologies can’t erase the pain and damage caused by malicious denigration.

@Hawaii_Jake Your original question was, “Have you ever not accepted an apology?”

Getting back to what you asked, my answer is “yes.” There have been several times in my life when I’ve been treated badly and decided to end a relationship rather than forgive and forget.

It came down to weighing the good vs. the bad. Was the person someone who’d always been kind and decent, but who had made a stupid mistake? Was the individual genuinely remorseful? Was the relationship strong enough to warrant saving? If yes, I could accept the apology. But, in other situations, I needed to face the fact that the person’s was a jerk and best forgotten.

@Hawaii_Jake Why would we question whether you are truthful? There is no apology for what the person did. Lying? What can he say? If somehow there was a misunderstanding, and he can explain why he said what he said, and why he thought it to be true, then maybe, but if he purposely lied to make you look bad, that is a whole different story. Miscommunication, losing a temper, saying something that one person thinks is no big deal, but for whatever reason upsets someone else, all that can have no ill will, no mal intentions behind it and just feel bad to the receiver through percetions, but purposely lying about someone else to make them look bad. Pretty shitty. They would have to admit to lying to everyone, and show themselves as dishonest to start their way back to forgiveness if that is the case. But, really, how can that person ever be trusted again?

Would it be possible to say “I accept that you regret your actions, but I’m afraid the harm can’t be so easily undone”? It would be good if you had a ready answer to the question “What else would it take?”

I have, once or twice, said “Thank you for your apology” and stopped there. I had to think about things for a while before I could trust myself to say more. Ultimately I had to ask whom I was harming by holding onto my feelings of injury, even nurturing the resentment they caused. Naturally the answer was “myself.” If it had been possible to set a course of future avoidance with respect to the person, I would have, but it wasn’t.

Hey @Hawaii_Jake Take him to court. (I am just saying that so you are telling the truth when you read what I say later in this quip.)

I just saw an NPR special on Annie Oakley. At the peak of her career, a woman using her name was arrested and jailed. The newspapers quickly jumped on the case and said it was Annie O. She took them to court and spent years suing and winning settlements from each of 50? 60? newspapers.

If the loudmouth defamed you, and you have the true data to refute it, hit him where it hurts. Take a big breath and say “I cannot accept your apology. I have been advised to take you to civil court for your actions.” (It’s true.) You don’t have to do anything about it. Let the lying sack of excrement worry about when the other shoe is going to fall.

Good Luck! We’re on your side!

Isn’t the burden of proof on the person who made the allegations? Isn’t getting sucked into trying to disprove someone’s lies like going down a rathole?

With all these suggestions, I’m sure you’ll find the right thing for you to do. Stand strong! You may have a detractor who made false accusations, but you (and we) know you are a righteous fellow. You can not accept an apology in a very gracious way. You’ll figure out how..

Please let us know what happened.

Hi @Hawaii_Jake, in addition to the importance of forgiving in order for you to let this go, I think it also shows you to be the bigger person to those on the board. The last thing you want is to be judged as petty and small-minded because you couldn’t move on from this. No matter how bad the other person’s behaviour was, this is an opportunity for you to show you are more mature, and a more ethical and dignified person. Which I have no doubt you are, internet friend or not.

Thank you, all, again. I am home from the meeting, and it went well. I did not have to defend myself. All I had to do was take his email message line by line, and the lies exposed themselves.

He attempted to apologize with empty words, but several people there asked him for action. We will get it.

This is now past, and I am moving on. I will never trust him again, but I will be able to work together with him professionally in the non-profit organization we are both part of.

* Y * A * Y *

Great outcome @Hawaii_Jake. I’m glad it all worked out.

I’m very glad to see how that turned out. Sometimes justice does follow from just letting things take their natural course.

Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you’ve got some committee folks in your corner. It sounds like the guy has trashed his own credibility without doing you any lasting harm (apart from the miseries that you went through over the past day or two).

Great news! Congratulations!

@Jeruba wrote: ...(apart from the miseries that you went through over the past day or two).

I heard that you were advised to take him to court to collect for damages you suffered due to his, now proven, slander. ~