Alcohol and relationships?

She did pick alcohol over you. That’s what I did when I was an active alcoholic, that’s almost a classic description of what an alcoholic does.

This is someone to stay away from. She needs to get sober and she needs sober time before she gets involved in a relationship. Otherwise it will be a three way relationship, you, her and the bottle. And the bottle will win.

So, break it off for your own sake. And don’t think she is different today, or that she deserves another chance. She needs to get sober.

The addict needs to change themselves. you cannot change them.
She has already lost a house, husband and job. All of that has not changed her behavior. The addict knows they need to change and can verbalize it, they have trouble making the change.

I’m not a doctor but have lead group therapy sessions, with a coach while in college.

My question is that my girlfriend broke off the relationship will she try to return back?

Yes, she will, and you will go through the whole cycle a couple times a week. You take her back, and she will get drunk very soon. And the next day will be tears and apologies and promises. And if you kick her out, she’ll leave and get drunk right away, and then call you wanting to be with you and “love” you. It is a vicious cycle.

And every time you get between her and the alcohol, she’ll get angry, hurt you emotionally if not physically, and choose the bottle.

You are an educated person and this is a relatively new relationship. Yes, she will ask to come back and no, it is not going to get better any time soon. Break it up now before you get more involved and more hurt.

People with addiction issues are always “married” to their addictions, first and foremost of all. At 48 the odds of this woman changing are pretty bleak. Proceed at your own risk, but know this, your attempts to want to help and reform her indicate your own issues. Educate yourslef about the nature of alcoholism and I’d advise you keep this woman at arms length, as a friend perhaps, but any hope of a healthy relationship with someone in love with the bottle is hopeless. Don’t become codependent.

Her breaking up with you is probably the nicest thing she can do for you, right now.

This relationship is doomed from the start. You are an educated person with so much going for you and so much to look forward to. You probably don’t want to spend your nights in bars or looking for your girlfriend in bars.
Yes, she probably will try to get back with you because you are probably the only person in her life that is good to her and spends money on her. But she will choose alcohol over you every time.
You should look for a partner that has your same goals and likes and activities for a better chance of a relationship surviving.
Good luck and welcome to Fluther.

I am wondering what was good about this relationship that seems like (from what I read that you wrote) nothing but trouble and hassle from the start (you said you broke up for a week almost one month into the relationship). Who needs this bullshit? Sorry for being blunt but unless you want to try to chase her around bars and catch her in lies it does not seem like much else.

I can’t tell you what you need but I would think with just getting your degree you might want to either deal with a job or a nice, healthy, mutually supportive relationship, not one with an addict who lies and sits in bars all day.

I was in a relationship like the one you are describing and the guy spent every chance in a bar, with every excuse why he was there. It got tiring very quickly and I was done with him. After I broke up with him, he started going to doctors for physical and mental issues and found out that he is depressed and bipolar and now is on some serious medication (which is what he was doing with the alcohol: self medicating). Alcohol will take it’s toll on your girlfriend, physically and mentally and if you’re with her, you’ll have to deal with that.

Get out. Say good-bye and never look back. Don’t waste any more of your time or money. She isn’t at those bars because she can’t see you, she is at the bar so she can get drunk with a bunch of losers. You sound far too nice a person to put up with coming second to what is in the bottle.

Pity about her wasted life and I am sure you don’t want to waste yours too. You seem to be working hard on going up in life and a person like that will always drag you down. A toxic relationship that will be full of empty promises and so much pain on all sides. Keep running and don’t look back.

My friend’s wife is a Clinical Social Worker she said develope a defense plan. Alcoholics are masters at manipulation. This girlfriend will try to comeback. Why?

Yep, what everyone else said…..dump her! At 48 she is, most likely, NOT going to change her boozing ways. You are tacking up an ass and no amount of coxing and spurring is going to get that little donkey to blaze a healthy trail with you.
Donkeys don’t turn into racehorses. Sad it is, but…she has her saddlebags packed with booze and there is no room for riding that trail with her. If you want to get the crap kicked out of your heart, by all means, keep dangling your carrot on a stick. lol

Hey, welcome to Fluther. I am sorry to hear about this relationship. I dated an alcoholic myself once. It was a scary realization, the first time I spent the night over and saw that he drinks straight liquor first thing in the morning.
Other posters have hit the nail on the head here. Your ex will keep trying to come back because it sounds like you are the one positive thing in her life. She is unemployed, living with her mother, and has no friends other than bar buddies. You were kind to her and spent money and time on her.
You might have thought, even unconsciously, that by your good example and kindness, you could help put her on the right path. But you can’t help an addict who is in denial. Please take steps to take care of yourself and beware of codependence. Definitely come up with a defense plan in case she approaches you again.
There are other women out there with whom you can have a healthy relationship. You deserve better—someone who can commit to you, rather than to drugs. Good luck.

Let it go. Never look back. Never!
Even if the make-up sex was great, it’s not worth it.

She picked alcohol and most likely other guys over you.

It sounds like you are the one who keeps going back. I can’t understand why you’d bother. She doesn’t seem to care that much about you.

TL; DR. Too hard on the eyes, but I got the gist.

The answers however are unanimous. Don’t waste another second of energy. Move on.

Waaay too much baggage.
I am sure you are a good guy.
But there is nothing more pathetic than a good guy who is also a fool.
I think you should find another girlfriend.

Thank you for your input.

Run from that woman as fast as you can. And be glad that you don’t have a ring on your finger.

I was once in your situation and things got very weird. A Chaplain counselor helped me see the true picture.

Knowing a lot about this subject, I can’t add much more to the discussion that hasn’t already been said. Zenvelo was right on about it all and the answer is very clear that you should move on. This is a painful, dramatic treadmill that goes nowhere.

What you should take from this experience or examine, is why you would put up with this when the behavior is so clear? What is it about this relationship (not the person) that makes you willing to go down this road? I think that would be an important thing for you to look at as you consider your next relationship.

I will second what @figbash just wrote.

You need to figure out what it is within you that found this pattern something you kept returning to. For during that, you were enabling her whether or not you realize this.

All addicts have a built in radar which attracts them to their enablers. And every addicts life is full of them (enablers) and they continue going round and round doing the addicts waltz. Step two three, step two three, turn, repeat.. Until one of them wakes up and realizes that this cant go on. If the enabler is the one who wakes up and calls it off, the addict just finds a new enabler.

You’re an intelligent person. Do some reading and research about codependency and enabling. Then look at yourself honestly and pinpoint what it is within you that is attracted to the role of enabler.

For some folks it’s their desire to help people and save them from themselves. But that needs to be tempered with some common sense, self knowledge and firm boundaries or it can destroy your life.

Obviously you need to cut off all contact with her until you have yourself figured ou. Otherwise you’ll just be on a roller coaster ride with no end.

PS You keep asking why she will keep coming back. Lets clear that up for you.

She sees you as someone with tremendous potential to be a really really good enabler (perhaps a lifelong one) if only you’d learn to shut up about criticizing her drinking.

So she’s punishing you by withdrawing every time you act like a buzzkill. Then she comes back, hoping you’ve learned your lesson and everything will be “fine”.

She’s trying to train you. And when you can be a good little puppy dog and stop talking about her drinking and just pay for stuff, then her job is done.

I’m not saying that she lays awake at night plotting this all out. Most of this is instinctive behavior. This is what alcoholics and addicts do to maintain their addiction.

Listen to @zenvo. He used to be one before he got sober. He knows the terrain well. Benefit from his experience.

I gre up with alcoholic parents so I’m also familiar with the terrain. This is not some new groundbreaking insights here.

This is how addicts and their enablers behave. Get out now before you become a lifelong enabler. She WILL keep on coming back to you hoping to turn you into one.

Get out and stay out. Cut off contact regardless of what she says or what kind of “emergency” she finds herself in.

Does that clarify things a little? Listen to your social worker friend. She has your best interests at heart and she’s familiar with the pattern. I’m sure she deals with families where this is the case on a daily basis.

@Buttonstc Wow! I wish I could give you more than one GA.

@Huskeralum1985 You are a reasonable, caring person so it will be hard for you to resist the urge to help.
I predict she will call you in… 4 weeks. There will be a crisis. She will need money for…. her car brakes need replacing….. No. She is on unemployment . That’s not it. She will call you because some guy was mean to her. Yeah That’s the ticket! He hurt her! Not like you. You are special.
It is your job to say: “No. We ended it 4 weeks ago.” Just repeat it “No. We ended it 4 weeks ago.” Broken record. Do not give a inch or give her an opening.

“No. We ended it 4 weeks ago.”
Got it?

I will make my prediction even more specific. She will call you on a Sunday night.
“No. We ended it 4 weeks ago.”

Let us know what happens.

Buttonstc,
I appreciate your concern. My new ex as of Tuesday 5/14/13 lives with her Mom who pays all the bill’s except her Cobra 500.00 and her bipolar meds and high blood pressure meds and high cholesterol meds. On a group health plan (cheap)and cell.Plus, we live in Kansas which $350.00 a week goes a lot further then other parts of the USA. I can’t believe she would try to even return try to attempt it.

First thing I would suggest is that you get some counseling for yourself. We are generally attracted to people who are just about as sick as we are. The fact that you want to “help” this woman is indicative of a problem within yourself. Let her hit her own bottom and hopefully she will want to climb out of that hole, but it has to be her decision. And bear in mind, even if she wants to rehabilitate herself, it is not always so cut and dried, sometimes takes a bunch of tries and sometimes never works. In the meantime, work on yourself and what it is in you that attracts you to the addictive personality. Alanon meetings are a good place to start if you don’t want to go to private counseling.

Everyone, I want to thank you for all your input. I glad I came to this site. I have never dated anyone before with this problem. So it is a new to me. I just look as if someone breaks up with you their done. This new ex girlfriend has never left before. I in her mind tried to threaten her alcoholic intake which scared her? That’s why everything happened out of the blue.

Yes.

I just read your Other Question and answered it. I guess I hadn’t seen this first question.

Now I will ask you again, what is wrong with you? What would make a man want to date a woman who is an alcoholic, uses him for money, screams at him and hangs out in bars?

So far I haven’t heard anything about this woman that makes her sound attractive in any way. Even if she’s physically the most beautiful woman in the world, she’s got major problems and you are just playing into her manipulation. She sounds like a user and you sound like an obsessed doormat.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but after reading your other question first, and then coming back to this original question, I see that you aren’t really interested in taking any advice on how to remove yourself from this situation, you are thriving on the drama of it.

Please get yourself some help.

Who can spell C-o-d-p-e-d-e-n-c-e?