Am I just being stupid here?

You say you found out he has been viewing the photos on the memory stick. How do you know for sure? How could you know that?

I found the stick and viewed it on the laptop. I looked in recent places and there it was. Her folder.

How do you know the recent places were not viewed years ago? Maybe he never views that stick, only has it stored away and the last time he viewed it, he looked at those pictures?

@jca It states the date and time at the side of them.

I think sometimes we all wonder what might have been. It doesn’t mean we would want to go back. A wise person once told me “You never stop loving someone, either you always will, or you never did in the first place.”

So, loving someone and being in love with them are two different things. Based on his response to you it seems that going back is not in his plans, but you know him better than we do. Is he honest and honorable? If so, then believe him.

It seems like you have three choices: believe him and let it go, don’t believe him and don’t tell him how you know and always have a seed of doubt about his intentions, or confront him with how you know and risk having him be very hurt about your detective work, disgusted over your not trusting him to the point of having to do detective work, and possibly leaving you over it. Only you know which choice you want to make.

@BosM Thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

@jca He knows how my mind goes like, although I don’t tell him just how severe.

@Headhurts: So are you thinking about confronting him with how you know?

Take your boyfriend at his word.

@jca I’m not sure. If the stick was somewhere where I had access then yes, but unfortunately it wasn’t. He is a very private person, which just makes me all the more suspicious.

So then your choices become believing him and letting it go or always doubt him about this issue and continue to do detective work. Do you take anti-anxiety medication by any chance?

@jca Yes I do, I take Sertraline 120mg. I actually do an embarrassingly shameful about of detective work, daily.

@Headhurts: You’re going to make yourself crazy. I see you wrote the q a few weeks ago about morbid jealousy. You risk pushing away any man who is with you, because of your suspicions.

In this case, you confronted your boyfriend and he denied it. Either you believe that or you don’t, and if you don’t, you can leave him or stay with him and always be doubtful. Or you can work on your trust issues, which may or may not include medication.

@Headhurts Does your jealousy manifest itself in all phases of your bipolar?

@janbb Oh yes. It takes over my world.

Do you suffer from OCD as well? In which case, have you developed strategies for dealing with obsessive thoughts?

@janbb Yes I do, I have OCD with the checking I have to do. I have seen a cbt therapist and the Dr gave me a web address to view, but nothing so far that has helped me. I think I am just too scared to let go.

A friend of mine with both those syndromes controls some of his ruminations and obsessive thoughts by throwing himself into activities that distract him (and that he can obsess about.) I also know from myself how painful jealous thoughts can be but you will kill the relationship if you don’t find a way to control them.

I have been jealous at times (not morbidly jealous, but due to insecurities, I have been jealous) and what I found helpful is to talk to myself about why I am feeling that way and why it’s not logical.

In your case, would your boyfriend be with you for six years if he still felt like he wanted his ex? Is his ex married or in a committed relationship? Does he do anything that would make him untrustworthy? Those are some questions I might ask myself if I were feeling jealous about him and his actions. If the answers to the questions indicate that there’s no reason to not trust him, or that even if he wanted his ex, she were not available (like, say if she’s married now), that might make you feel better.

@jca His ex is with someone else, they aren’t married but live together. She caused us a lot of grief when we first go together. She was always texting my boyfriend, asking him to remember their ‘special times’. I think she has stopped now she is with someone. I got home from work today and I went to see if he has moved the stick, and he has, so he obviously knew what I was referring to. My mind is spinning right now. I feel devastated and disgusted with myself.

@Headhurts If you can find a way to deal with your jealousy that doesn’t involve confronting him, it will really help preserve your relationship. Do you have women friends or a therapist you can talk to? For me, those help and failing that, a really brisk walk or a change of scene.

@janbb i don’t have any friends. I had a therapist but I am in the process of changing to another one. I just don’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore, and it’s tearing me apart.

You have to find a way to get these thoughts out of your head or at least quiet them down. I know – oh, I know – that is easier said than done but you are ruining your life. Maybe you need to build in more activities or social life? Maybe you need to up the meds?

Do you think you might be driving this guy away because internally you feel you don’t deserve him?

@janbb No I don’t. He doesn’t really know the half of it. I think if he did, then yes. I have upped my meds, at first they made me numb, but I think I’m past that now. I’m a loner as well, which I know doesn’t help. He is also such a private person, and that doesn’t help me either. I’m just thinking thinking thinking, all the time. So many thoughts, at all the same time. I feel like my head will explode.

@janbb I just want to say to him, I’m here, I love you, I wish you could see me and know that I’m hurting so bad, please just love me.

Do you think he doesn’t know that? But begging for love doesn’t work.

In these types of situations, I’ve often found that if you really truly think something else is going on, then it probably is. If you can look at yourself and say that “Yes, I really believe that he wants his ex,” then he probably does. If you do the same self examination and aren’t convinced or can admit that maybe you are being paranoid, then probably nothing is happening.

Just trust yourself.

@janbb i know and I know. I’ve been trying for 6 years. How did you stop your jealousy?

I don’t think you’re stupid. I can’t believe how alike we are—I’ve actually asked similar questions on here. I’m in my twenties and I’ve also struggled with depression and BPD for years now. My first question to you is: are you currently getting treatment for your mental health issues? This is really important. I myself am not because I can’t afford it, so I know how difficult it is to live with an illness like borderline personality. It is ridiculously hard getting over jealousy and insecurity issues in relationships when you have a disorder that centers around these problems.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now, and I, like yourself, did a lot of detective work whether it be logging onto his facebook account, reading his text messages, etc. STOP DOING THIS. It is just plain destructive. You are not going to find anything you like. Even if you find things that are completely innocent, your mind will find something to convince you otherwise. Not only are you making yourself crazy, you may push him away and cause hard feelings or he may think you don’t trust him. I used to do it daily too. I have blocked his ex-girlfriends on facebook so I can’t creep their accounts. I do not allow myself to read through his phone or email. It’s hard to do, but trust me you will feel a lot better.

My second question is this: do you think your boyfriend would waste 6 years of his life with you if he wasn’t serious, if he didn’t care about you? Do you truly believe that he is after his ex? Or is this just your insecurity speaking? If your boyfriend wanted his ex back, he would have gotten with her when she was after him in the beginning. My boyfriend has TONS of pictures of his ex-girlfriend, in folders on his computer. He has deleted some of them, but not all. They grew up together, and she is part of his past (as much as I hate it). He still talks to 3 of his exes quite regularly. If I allow myself to dwell on it, I go nuts. I am still a very jealous girlfriend (although I’ve gotten much better). I am still working on it. This is what works for me—when I find myself freaking out about one of his exes, or reading into things, or worrying about who he’s thinking about, I tell myself that he’s chosen me. I won, over those other girls. If he wanted to be with those girls, he would be. But he is with me.If you want to be part of his future, you need to try to forget about his past and move on from it.

One last thing, I think it may be very beneficial if you sit down and talk with your boyfriend about everything that is going on with you. He might already know. But you should tell him how bad you’re feeling. I mean, don’t make him feel like it’s his fault or anything – but at least let him know that you are very insecure with yourself and that’s why you react badly to his ex-girlfriend. It might help generate a bit more understanding in your relationship!

You need to have a very frank and explicit conversation with your boyfriend about your mental illnesses. He may have an idea that you have some problems, but from what I’ve gathered, he has no idea of the enormity of it all, partly because you have purposely tried to shield him from it.

So first, you need to have this talk with him. He will probably not respond in a way that you like. He might try to say that you are just being manipulative. He might just try to shut you down and tell you to knock it off. Or you might get lucky and he will see the light and want to help you (or walk away if he can’t handle it).

Next, you need to find a competent therapist as soon as possible. Talk to your primary care physican (not sure how that all works in England) and have them refer you to a psychiatrist. You have multiple problems and it’s going to be tougher to treat your illnesses, but the problems that you have cannot be solved on your own, they cannot be solved by simply staying with your boyfriend and hoping for the best (your jealousy issues alone will most likely be the reason that your boyfriend ultimately leaves you, and this will be true whether or not he is cheating).

If, after your conversation with your boyfriend goes well, and he lets you know that he loves you (you need to ask him that question, directly, since he hasn’t actually told you that he loves you, because it’s important for you to know, one way or the other, or whether he’s just staying with you because it’s easier).

If he lets you know, in no uncertain terms that he really does love you and wants to help you, then you have to let him in on exactly how this is going to go from here on out. You need a doctor, you probably need lifelong medications (which may have to be figured out by trying one, then another, then another, then another until you get the right combination) and you will most likely need ongoing therapy. You should probably also consider going into couples counseling with him. He clearly does not know the extent of your mental illness and it’s not fair for him to just continue to live with you (while you hide the information about your illness from him, while at the same time snooping on him constantly). He needs to know exactly who he’s dealing with, and you need to know exactly how much help he is willing and able to give you, and whether it’s worth it for you two to stay together. At this point, you don’t seem well suited towards each other.

You need to reach out to other people (family, people that you know, people in support groups that deal with the illnesses that you have) and you need to do a lot of research to find out what might actually be useful for you, and not just poo-poo the information, otherwise, you’ll keep going round and round on this same treadmill.

This isn’t going to be easy, but the alternative is that you will simply continue to be sick, you will continue to accuse your boyfriend of things (that he may or may not be doing) and he will eventually get fed up with it (whether or not he is actually cheating or thinking about getting back with his ex) because people don’t like to be accused of things (whether or not they are guilty of doing those things). But if you just clam up, then this situation will stay the same for awhile, then eventually get worse.

Today, you have to make the decision to change the way things are going, with yourself, with your boyfriend, how you make decisions, how you share information, how you gather information, and what is important with regards to you living a healthy life (with or without your boyfriend).

Get out a piece of paper and actually write down the steps that you need to take. Because you have so much anxiety, if you don’t write this stuff down, then you will forget what you need to do and delve back into the same routines. Your boyfriend also needs to know exactly what you need to do to get help, so if it is written down, it will be easier for both of you to remember what needs to be done, and start going down the list, one by one. Starting with you having this conversation with your boyfriend, then contacting your doctor and so on and so forth.

Here is some information about getting help from the National Health Service in England

Here is a site for Self Help Groups for BPD in England

Here is some more information about Getting Help for BPD in England.

And still More Info about getting help for mental illness in the U.K.

Good luck to you, dear.

My advise is to look at the evidence that he loves you and values you and your relationship. If your goal is to make yourself feel more miserable, then continuing to snoop in his computer and other private sources of information about his activities. With BPD, it is easy to be your own worst enemy and to undermine what is truly good and special in your life. If you want to have hope for a future that can be joyful and satisfying, trust people who have consistently been good to you and learn that trusting that you are loved is not only safe for you but your best chance for ongoing happiness in your relationship. You must learn to avoid irrational thoughts that will just increase your anxiety and make your BPD behaviour harder for those around you to accept. Control your own thoughts and focus on the good things in your life!

@Kardamom Thank you for your post. I did kind of have a chat with him. He said he wants me to stay, and still insists he wasn’t looking at the pictures. Now I begin to doubt myself. I mean, I know what I saw but my head is so messed up, I don’t really know whats what anymore. Ive thought about nothing else all day, and I am hoping that next time I find that he has been looking at these, I will get the courage I need and leave because it just breaks my heart that I’m here and available and yet the minute I walk out the door, he looks at these and does god knows what while looking at them. I find it humiliating and completely disrespectful and hurtful. I feel like I’m nothing as it is.

@Headhurts Right now, you’re just going around in circles. I didn’t mean for you to talk to him about whether or not he looked at the pictures (from the evidence that you have provided it looks like he did and he is lying to you, probably so as not to hurt your feelings).

What I meant by talk to him is to explain to him in vivid detail about your mental illnesses. You need to lay it out straight to him (not just in spits and spats). He already has an idea that something is wrong, but clearly he has no idea of the extent of your problems. You also have to explain that part of the manifestation of your illness is that it causes you great jealousy, and because of that you need to go into couples counseling with him to be able to deal with that (as a separate issue) and he needs to know that you need extensive therapy/counseling, and possibly medication on a life-long basis.

You need to find out whether he actually understands the ramifications of all of this (not just the bit about you snooping and him looking at pictures). If you and he are going to stay together, he needs to be able to let you know, in no uncertain terms, how supportive of you he is able and willing to be. And you need to decide if he is trustworthy (either he is or he isn’t, there’s really not much middle ground).

It’s not just about you deciding to let him continue to look at the pictures and lie to you about it (which you still have not yet determined what has actually happened, although IMO, since you saw the date of the viewing, it sounds like he looked and then he lied to you, most likely to spare your feelings).

Right now, you are still mostly just dealing with your feelings of jealousy. It doesn’t look like you are even really admitting (to yourself) that the jealousy is mostly a manifestation of your illness. You need to get help for your illness, immediately, and put the jealousy thing on the back burner. You can’t fix the jealousy thing, or the relationship thing, until you fix the mental illness thing.

Did you write down the list of goals yet? If not, why not?

Did you look at any of the sites I provided? If not, why not?

What is your plan just for today?

Would you be willing to show him these threads? You have laid it out fairly clearly for us to see what is wrong, but I suspect that you may have a hard time talking to him, because you get all flustered, because the feelings of jealousy arise, and then you forget that the main reason you need to talk to him, that is to make him aware of the seriousness of your mental illness (his peeking at pictures is a very minor subject in this whole situation).

@Kardamom He knows I suffer with mental health. He knows about the bpd and the anxiety. He knows I’m jealous, just not to the extreme that I am. I don’t even think I could describe just how bad I am. I write lists all the time about what I need to change and how I should be, but always to no avail. I can’t show him these threads, he can’t know that I snoop. If he knew that I know his hiding places, he will change them and I can’t risk that, I can’t risk being naive. At least now, I know, when he is viewing them. I have some control over something in my life.

@Headhurts There’s nothing more we can do, then.

Happened to my best friend.

Should I tell her to end it so her 3 years doesn’t turn into your miserable 6?