How do I get rid of a housemate who is lovely when sober but scary when drunk?

you say ‘you have 30 days to get out’ simple.

Hmmm.I find that difficult to do. I was hoping to just move hahaha. Thanks for your response anyway

Talk to him about it when he’s sober, and tell him you’re not prepared to deal with it. Either he stays sober or he leaves.

I agree with @downtide. You must talk to him, and only when he’s sober. It won’t be an easy conversation, but you have to do it as soon as possible. Put aside your feelings that he’s a lovely guy when not drinking and try not to let your understandable fear of his reaction make you procrastinate.

Oh—and you should probably touch as lightly as possible on his drinking problem. Focus on one simple fact: the room-mate relationship isn’t working for you.

Good luck.

@downtide said it…

I suggest that you set ground rules about drinking with the next roommate you interview.

I feel for you. Tough situation. You do have to talk to him as @downtide said and probably make him leave but pick your time carefully. Make sure he is sober but possibly even after a time when he has been drunk so you can point to his specific behaviors. Maybe you can give him some time to find a new place but make a condition that he is not drunk again in the house or he has to leave sooner. Do you have anyone who can be there when you speak to him?

Wait until he is sober. Then sit him down and just tell him you cannot handle it when he druck. that he gets nasty, mean and scary. Tell him that you need him to move out.

Do you have a brother or male friend or friends you could call to be with you when you talk to him?

Tell her whatever you want. Use tough love or soft love. Just don’t tell her when she is drunk. She’ll probably end up killing you

Sounds like you need more practice speaking up for yourself. So, for sure, tell him to his face and see what happens. Learn how easy it is to be open about your boundaries.

Mind you, don’t just tell him the bad, let him know how great he is sober. Maybe he has a drinking problem that he wants to admit and break away from. You never know.

I agree with @downtide ‘s advice. But I’d add one thing. I’d make a recording of your housemate’s bad behavior when drunk and keep it as evidence in case the behavior is ever denied.

Make your house seem haunted….pretend like you need to move out and won’t be able to keep the apartment, he probably won’t be able to afford it on his own, pack some stuff in boxes to make it look legit….lol

Separate the drinking issue from the house-sharing issue. You can’t live with him, for reasons that did not appear during your interview. This is the same conclusion whether he drinks, keeps noisy pets, steals your cash, or defaults on his share of the housekeeping chores. It turns out that you two are “not a good match” and you have to ask him to find someplace else to live.

For what it’s worth, most people find it hard to live with a heavy drinker, whether the person is violent or not. Some have the misfortune to be related or married to the person. You’re not and you don’t have to put up with it. It probably isn’t going to get better.

Welcome to Fluther.

I agree with @Jeruba. Don’t make this about his drinking, or he’ll get defensive (more than likely, even if he’s sober and in good spirits – pun not intended – at the time) and you’ll be off on a tangent. Just tell him that “It’s not working out for me, and you need to find a new place to stay.”

It might be useful to tell him that at the start of a work week, and give him until the end of the week to find a place. That means that he’ll be doing something other than drinking all weekend, for example, if you told him on a Friday, and making things worse.

May be worth it to check the laws in your state first.

Not a fun position to be in, I imagine. I’m sorry for that. You do need to have a discussion with him while he’s sober. If at all possible, I’d have someone else in the house (but not in the room) during your talk. Good luck, and please keep us posted!

I rate @Jeruba ‘s answer as best followed by @marinelife ‘s suggestion.

I’m with @downtide for about a minute, but I think in the end you will have to go with @trailsillustrated‘s advice.

Unless you are willing to make your place alcohol free altogether. If you do that he will probably want to move out on his own.

Making the house alcohol-free won’t stop him drinking elsewhere and coming back drunk and violent.

@downtide Good point. The guys a drunk, let’s face it. A serious talk won’t do a thing.

And ultimatums leave you monitoring, supervising, judging, and enforcing. You don’t want to be a watchdog or have to confront and challenge him or listen to pleas and excuses. You just want a quiet, sane, safe home environment—right?