How, in the sake of kindness and decency, could someone say this kind of thing (in the details) to a grieving parent?

I sincerely hope your mutual friend was having the worst day of her life and temporarily lost her fucking mind. Otherwise, I can think of no excuse for that behavior.

^ Second that. I am gobsmacked.

That is inexcusable. And inhumane. Your friend has described every parent’s nightmare, to bury a child,no matter what age.

Please pass on that the Fluther community sends its love and prayers.

There is no kindness or decency involved in that comment. It was rude, thoughtless and mean.

Your response is what she needs. My thoughts are with you both.

But it happens. I had another acquaintance, a coworker, many years ago, who lost an 8 year old son in an 18 wheeler wreck. She experienced the same thing.
Gobsmacked is a good word, @Seek_Kolinahr.

Thank you all. I’ll let her know our spirits are with her.

My bff told me the same thing about my husband. Some people are insensitive when it comes to certain things. And some people are sensitive to other things.

What my friend said has changed our relationship, but I also have realized that we are both in very different places. I also am a very forgiving person and know my friends personality to a “T”. And she has always been somewhat insensitive, I don’t really expect any different from her. The day she is overly sensitive is the day I will fall off my rocker.

Some people just need to be more aware. Some people also need to be told they are rude.

I sincerely am sorry for your friend and no matter what there are no words because no matter what you say it will always seem like the wrong thing, even if you’ve gone through, because grief is just that personal. Some things are better left unsaid.

If I was your friend, the friendship with that other woman would stop right there.

“Some people are insensitive when it comes to certain things.”

So true. I know of someone who dealt with this recently (someone else being insensitive). The person being insensitive, it opened my eyes and showed me their true colors. Very unfortunate.

Said friend needs to be reminded by a true friend that what she said was uncalled for. Perhaps she could be reminded of a loss or disappointment she had and how people reacted to her loss. I’m sure it wasn’t in an unthinking manner such as she used.

It was super rude and unnecessarily cruel. I probably would have punched her in the gut.

Hah. You’d be shocked how often people go from “caring” to “just get over it already” simply because it wasn’t one of THEIR relatives who died. Obviously your mourning friend is being selfish by not getting over the loss of her child in a timely-enough manner for the rest of the world. >_>

Snarky and bitter? Absolutely… my mother died 2½ years ago; losing her was hard, but the pain from that is/was nothing compared to being disregarded or taken advantage of by so-called “family friends” and strangers who had something to gain from my loss (i.e. attorneys). So I no longer have much tolerance for “friends” like that one mentioned.

Her grieving may lessen over time, but it may still surprise her from time to time. As a real friend, being a source of support during those times is the best thing you can do for her. That, and help ensure that it doesn’t become all-consuming.

As far as I can tell, she’s “recovering,” but, like you said @peridot, it still jumps up unexpectedly and stabs her in her heart and soul. She told me, about a 3 weeks ago, with tears in her eyes, “This grieving thing just sucks.”

I am with Mama Cakes… the third party who said such a heartless thing would no longer be considered a friend. I don’t know whether contacting that person and telling them that what they did was wrong will make any difference, but at least they’d know why you and your mourning friend will no longer have anything to do with her and her selfishness.

The “mutual” friend is on FB. I don’t know her personally, Cassie (who I went to HS with and who was the one who lost her son) just recommended her to me before this happened. I’m not going to confront her, but I did unfriend her.

@Dutchess_III Ow. Your poor friend… :(

I know. Worse, she was left confused, asking “Am I supposed to be over it?” I wanted to hit the “friend” with a two by four.

As I mentioned above, a co-worker’s son was killed in a big rig accident when he was 8. This was in 96. My own son was just 8 at the time. I’ve watched my son grow…he has 2 kids of his own, and one on the way, and sometimes I just tremble with a grief that isn’t even mine. It happened over spring break. I spend all of spring break every year thinking of Dustin, the kid that was killed. Thinking, “If only he hadn’t gone with his dad on that run….” His dad lost control of his semi somewhere in Wyoming. I Can’t imagine how his mother feels, to this day. Aw hell, she should just “get over it,” right?

My friend, Cassie’s son, was just 25. Again my son’s age now. You know….it’s hard for me to even touch the very fringes of such grief. I shy away from thinking too deeply, but I stand firm with my friend.

Maybe the mutual “friend” just couldn’t bear it any more.

The ups and downs of grieving are very normal. She may feel it to her core for years. I know I do. I lost my husband 3.5 years ago. I still have not moved on.

She will never “get over” the death of her child. I hope that the “friend” does not have kids of her own.

Dustin’s mom, Dona, wrote a poem about her son. It was published in our local paper. I went looking for it…..and came up with his obituary instead. I gotta stop thinking about it now.

I don’t know if the friend has kids or not. I don’t see how she possibly could.

That’s awful.
Some people just are not kind or decent. It’s the easy way out.

“The easy way out.” Yeah…but how can they live with themselves. Maybe they just forget that they even said it.

Seems like those most lacking in kindness and decency have the easiest time living with themselves. That could be cynicism talking, but it sure appears to be the case.

I don’t know about that. I think it must hit them from time to time, about what an asshole they really are, when they look back on situations….but they don’t do anything to change it. I imagine that would pile up over time until they just hate themselves. That’s what I think, anyway.

Maybe her friend has a mental illness where she cannot feel empathy?
Not to excuse the behaviour though.
No one has to get over anyone.
Its there last memory of that person and they are hanging onto that as long as they need.
When my mother passed away , everytime I saw her photo I cried. I still cry when I see her.
I have her picture on my bookshelf and try to remember the good times , such as her Birthday rather than the day that she passed..its more positive then.

I can understand being annoyed at the constant talk of it, but even I wouldn’t say that. Geesh.

Having said that, the woman who lost her child must go on with life. Ruminating is not doing her any good.

Well, in my experience she isn’t constantly talking about it. Maybe she was to that other friend, but it doesn’t seem so. But I don’t know.

There’s no excuse for it, none whatsoever, so don’t think badly of what I am about to say.

The comment made by this “friend” was insensitive and likely a reflection of her inability to deal with the tragic loss of a friend’s child. As a result, it would be better for HER if your friend “got over it”. Everyone grieves differently and I’m guessing this behavior caught your friend by surprise, so all I can think is that it’s more reflective of the friends inability to deal.

Could that be possible?

My MIL said that my first husband’s death wasn’t that traumatic for me because he did drugs. I guess you only get to mourn the death of a spouse if they’re perfect.
You’re friends friend is either a jerk or had a major brain fart.

It’s unfortunately not surprising. People lack long-term empathy. Also, we have been largely kept from being intimately acquainted with death and disease for at least a couple of generations, so social rules about grief have been lost.

I’m glad jellies are upset about such an inconsiderate and selfish comment.

@Judi I guess some people have a checklist for what should be traumatic and and what shouldn’t be, and make their decision based on that check list. :(

Well, just when I thought I was the biggest asshole in the world someone comes along and does me one better.

Maybe the mutual friend needs someone to listen a bit. She might have her own issues that no one knows anything about.

This is where some of the advice to “judge not” comes in handy.

Even if it had been 5 years that is so completely uncalled for that “insensitive” doesn’t even begin to cut it. I’d have smacked that woman upside the head and told her to get some help for her gross lack of empathy and then promptly never spoken to her again. What a piece of work. Pffft!