Would this piss you off if you were my ex-wife and her steady boyfriend?

I will accept your experimental results on the grounds that I have not yet sired any children.

As long as the coupons only count when the children are with you, I don’t see how anyone could reasonably complain. If you want them to be good elsewhere, however, then it seems you would have to broach the topic with anyone else who you wanted to accept them. You can’t decide what the rules of someone else’s household are, after all, and I think it would be reasonable for someone to be upset if you tried doing so without consulting them.

I think YOU should tell them they only count for daddy.
Bt the way, I’m sure my grand kids are the best most amazing children in the world.~

It sounds like you want to piss them off. If that is the case, there might be an issue there, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought. You seem like a great person and since you sired the nicest kids on the face of the earth, you can’t be the type of person who would purposely want to piss off their mother. Maybe you should reconsider the coupon idea and look at why you want to piss off their mom.

What @Judi said. Why would you think you have the right to give them free passes on chores when they’re with their mother?

If they can only use them when they’re with you, fine. Otherwise, you are interfering in your ex-wife’s parenting and that’s not fair. I wouldn’t talk to her about it unless you feel it might affect her in some way. What will they need to do to earn a coupon (I know you said ‘well behaved’ but what does that mean?)

@bkcunningham I actually don’t at all. I am looking for ways to acknowledge their good behavior when they are with me that will count when they go back to their more restrictive parental figures.

I decided prior to divorce pissing off my ex-wife would just mean a minute of satisfaction for me and a grouchy mother to the children I like so much, and try to avoid it.

Good plan @Imadethisupwithnoforethought (not to piss off the ex).

I like the idea as well. It reinforces good behaviour. I think you might need to set some boundaries as to what that means though. You could end up washing a lot of dishes otherwise :D

Dear @Imadethisupwithnoforethought -

Let’s put this another way – do you think your ex and her bf will appreciate your sending pieces of paper that give the kids an “out” from an assigned chore in their home? As a custodial stepmom (the one who does 90% of the work of raising a step-daughter, while the biomom takes her for occasional weekends and they only do fun stuff) I would NOT like that.

I know you intend it as a reward to your kids—but you don’t get to decide what happens when they are at mom’s house…and so therefore, those coupons could be seen as an attempt to control and/or influence the dynamic in their home.

If you give out the coupons they can only be applicable in your home, on your custodial weekends. Anything else feels like meddling .. and if I were your ex-wife it would annoy me.

Are you able to talk to your ex-wife (her new beau shouldn’t be part of the conversation) about the children in regards to the discipline, rules, consistency, boundaries, structure, rewards and such?

It sounds like you are both doing something right in your parenting to have such great children. Maybe it is the combination that is working. Divorce is tough on kids. I go overboard trying to negotiate and plead with parents to co-parent through divorce and not try to outdo or undermine the other. It only hurts the children.

I wouldn’t expect her to honor your coupons. I think some people might feel chores are part of a person’s responsibility while living in the household, and being good does not get people out of chores. If you are good do you get to not clean or take out the trash? Realize, I grew up without chores. I think that it is fine for children to not have any, except I do think children should be responsible for their bedroom and putting away toys after using them.

The up side of not living with your children’s mother is you can run your household how you want, and the kids get to experience both. If you were all living in the same house there would probably be more quarrels and discomfort regarding how strict each of you want to be. If you feel she is being abusive or overbearing I would say talk to her and ask her why she sets the rules she does and what she has observed to be positive results from it. Come from a persective of learning rather than challenging her. If you think it is possible. Maybe she immediately gets defensive.

@geeky_mama If your ex sent notes home after weekends they were with the non-custodial, telling high-points of their good behavior, would you share them with the kids? Or would that feel like meddling?

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought, I can really feel your love for your children and your frustration coming through your words. It is tough. Hang in there. You seem to be doing what is right for the children.

What would your purpose be in sending those notes home @Imadethisupwithnoforethought?

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought If my kids came home from their dad, and their dad had communicated to me that they had been very well behaved, I would be thrilled to tell them how proud I am of them and that daddy told me (even if it was through a note) that they were wonderful. I think telling her verbally is much better though.

@Bellatrix I am again, under the impression that my-ex and her new beau are a lot more demanding than I am. It is my intent to remind the children and my ex that the children are very well behaved.

Talk to her then, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought. Face to face. Talk to her.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought I think your intent is misplaced. It feels to me like you are trying to teach your ex something. I don’t think that will ever work. You need to come from a place of communication, but on an equal footing with her; not you know better. She will know what you are trying to really do and resent it.

We all have different styles of parenting. She may be strict, you are more relaxed. That doesn’t make you right and her wrong or vice versa. How would you feel if she started lecturing you on how you should parent? Even if it was done indirectly through little messages sent home to say how great the kids were? She isn’t stupid I’m sure and she knows you. I think you’re going to just create more tension between you and her and you need to work as a team, even if you parent differently.

As long as she isn’t being abusive in any way. Respect her right to parent in her way and you parent how you feel is best. Your kids will be fine. You’ve said they’re good people. Don’t undermine her and potentially any future good relationship you both may have by interfering unnecessarily.

They are your kids too. You and your ex are not together anymore to discuss how to bring them up. My divorced when I was 6 and I had certain rules with each parent. Obviously they will try and test the coupon idea with their mum, but they will learn. I think it’s a great idea, wish my dad would have thought of that.

You’re deluded, my kids are in actual real life bonafide fact the best kids in the history of the universe, no argument, just clear clarification.
If I was your ex-wife i’d be the polar opposite of pissed off, by default alone i’d be fucking ecstatic :)

Try to look at the situation through your ex’s eyes. “Look at him, he lets the kids not put the dishes away, they never do laundry, or clean the table, they sit and play on the computer while the grass needs mowing or their homework is not getting done. How will they ever learn to be responsible? Meanwhile he gets to play the good, favorite, kind daddy because all he does is let them play. Here kiddies have more chocolate ice cream. You won’t get fat.”

Since my kids are now in their 30s I won’t disagree with your assessment. 25 years ago mine were the best.

Perhaps it is because of her strictness that the kids are so well-behaved? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, man. If the kids seem miserable at being so structured then you might want to address things privately with their mother; but if the system seems to be effective, then appreciate that their mother is making the effort doing a great job – it is much harder to be strict than to be indulgent.

When my ex had weekends with our son, he was still a pre-schooler; and his father’s lack of structure undid all the things I did during the week to try to get him on a schedule and to clean up after himself, so I had to be even more rigid in reaction to it and then my son resented me for being mean. If there is more consistency across households in regards to discipline, things go more smoothly in transition, and consistency and structure are well-known to be very beneficial to children – especially when their parents are split up.

I was a single parent from the time my son was 5, and I didn’t have the time or energy to give him that structure or stability, and it is a regret of mine. Building a strong foundation of discipline when they’re younger helps carry you through the teen years. Parenting is hard work, and if you can balance the discipline with giving them opportunities to explore their minds and find their passions, they will thank you for it.

Hey! It’s the Grandparents’ job to spoil them. You are the parent.

It is real easy to be the nice, relaxed, fun loving guy while dumping the responsibilities on the other spouse. The hard part is working with your kids on their homework or teaching them about things that will help them later in life. Never give them the chance to work one of you off the other. That’s a slippery slope that will suck your entire family into the mud.

Kids benefit most from consistent, responsible parenting. The kids, your ex, and you will benefit more in the long run if you take the high road. I know…. It’s easier said than done. But the happiest adults manage to do it.

Hey! Let’s forget about studying for finals today! Let’s go out for ice cream! Yay, Dad!!!

You are separated now. It is your rules at your house and her rules at her house. Don’t fuck with it. Because of our custody agreement, I do not expect, desire and anticipate any ‘overflow’ of what he thinks is some pathetic attempt at parenting because he may only see his child for 9 hours every 14 weeks. Everything is relative.