Is this unhealthy?

This sounds like a manic episode to me. Do you have a therapist with whom to discuss your urges and behavior changes?

PS. Even your details to the question make you sound overwrought.

I wouldn’t characterize all of this behaviour as unhealthy… particularly if you are aware of it. However, this:

“I drive to unwind but sometimes especially if someone is with me it winds me up. People who have seen me drive for recreation at first are horrified.”

immediately strikes me as being very dangerous. You are literally telling us that you are not in control in these situations. And to wilfully lose control of yourself while you are driving endangers not only you and your passengers, but also others on the road. You describe your behaviour as “compulsive”, but you seem also to be admitting that you enjoy the sense of abandon. I think there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you restrict it to activities that don’t endanger others.

This doesn’t sound healthy to me. It does sound compulsive. Walking to clear your head or for enjoyment is one thing. Walking (and especially driving) and losing sense of where you are or how you are driving sounds dangerous. I think you need to speak to a professional about this and hopefully find some safer ways to channel this compulsive energy into something safer. It really does sound quite manic.

I hope you have a therapist you can talk to or you can get one. Speak to your doctor next time you see them. I know you have a number of reasons to feel anxious, but has anything happened before this behaviour ramped up to set off this reaction?

As to meditation – don’t you need to be able to calm and still your thoughts to meditate? Given it sounds as though you are going through a manic phase, I doubt you will be able to quiet your mind sufficiently to get into that meditative zone.

@gailcalled I have always been concerned about my mental health as I am sure my father wasn’t. So whether genetic predisposition or generational pattern this has been a concern.

I have been to several therapists over the years and all of them assure I am assure that I am just a person who has been through a lot. PTSD as well as the prolonged one generalized anxiety etc. Was the only thing they care to label.

I literally don’t have time or money to be seen now. As I currently have four doctors, work, Labs, vocational rehab appts, a case manager for my health insurance I have a duty to inform, as well as health insurance, a social worker affiliated with the hospital and coordination of records and information sharing between all these entities that take up business hours. Out of state trips to plan coordinate and budget for. Etc….

Summer with 24 hours of daylight after 9 months of cold and dark another consideration.

@glacial Good point. Awareness is the first step. what comes after is mindfulness.

Perhaps you could ask a question about any tips to help you a. be more aware of when you are in this phase and b. things you can do to channel it more usefully. I was thinking perhaps an artful pursuit. Don’t go for a walk (or a drive), which could be dangerous in the dark and if you end up in unsafe areas, but paint. Put that pent up emotion and energy into a painting? Or even writing – but I have a sense that painting might be more therapeutic.

@Bellatrix That is amazing.

I will have something to show for my time and it has amazing therpeutic benefits. I do have trouble focusing which lends creedence to the mania thing.

But it is worth a shot. I am feeling that way now so I am having trouble focusing I wrote this response three times and hit the cancel button because I was in a rush to do something. Well I have scads to do.. But I don’t want to do any of it… Self edited verbal diarhea as well yay!

Ok I think I need direction in knowing where to start. I liked oil pastels and shading colored pencils… But that is all highschool art class taught me.

Whatever the cause, you seem to be having trouble staying mindful at the moment (which is pretty necessary for meditation). I agree with others about channeling the energy/behaviors into safer pursuits, and love @Bellatrix‘s painting suggestion. You can think your heart out, keep yourself physically occupied, and have a completed project at the end. Go for it!

I’m sure there are artists here who can help more than I but I don’t think you should get too focused on the medium or perfection. I saw a picture a jelly did the other day on FB and she did it with old cosmetics on paper. See what you have on hand. Go to the cheap $2 shop and pick up some acrylic paints and see what sort of wood you have hanging around in your shed. Just see it as an outlet for all that energy and see what comes out.

I hope it helps :-) I find when I’m anxious I need to do things that involve the other side of my brain.

This sounds like anxiety to me and a lack of concentration. I do that too, go to the shop and come back with nothing. I just can’t focus or keep still enough to make the purchase.

Thank you thank you…. Good ideas.

Yes. Slow down. Talk to people who can help you achieve this.