Advice for dealing with a friend situation? (Details inside)

Did you give her some indication already of your issues? I know that you mentioned them here.

I think that you have to be candid (as unsettling as that is) and tell her when and how you have to schedule the days .Immediately. Pick up the phone. Now.

Don’t rant. Don’t apologize. Don’t mention her princess-like status. Keep it short and factual.

(Keep it short.Be gracious.)

Let her know when you two can socialize; ask her how she wants to program the time. Apologize for the inconvenience and bad timing, say that you wish it were otherwise, and ask her if she wants some suggestions for daytime activities.

Check in with us if you start to get overgarrulous or riddled with guilt.

GA @gailcalled.
Actually this could be fun. An opportunity. She can get a reality check while you have her for moral support as you make many decisions that will effect the future.

It kind of sounds like you don’t respect as her as person. Or feel that she is limited and immature. Nothing wrong with that. Especially if it is true. Maybe she is just sheltered because she never had to be anything else.

So she is understanding enough to confide in but not enough to be honest with regarding her? Is she not supportive of you or your goals? I realize there is difference between theory and reality. But now is the time to show her.

To be candid when I am visiting someone, I prefer alone time as well as time together. I know there are other people like me so maybe she will be relieved.

I am just throwing ideas around. You know the situation better. Like Gailcalled said check in if you are getting overwhelmed.

@gailcalled, GA x 10. Thank you. That was just what I needed. She and I haven’t talked much recently, so aside from the fact that I’ll be leaving in July instead of August, she doesn’t know what all I am up to. I’ll do my best to be gracious and also keep it short (always difficult on the phone with this friend in particular!)

@rosehips: Thank you. That is a good way to frame it. In fact, our relationship has tended to take the form of reality check vs moral support.
It’s not that I do not respect her as a person, but I do not think she has grown up yet. I do think that she is sheltered; she comes from a wealthy family and has never had to work or eat rice and beans because she can’t afford medical bills, etc. It’s not her fault, but I think it has limited her development and her understanding of how the world is for most adults. Hopefully this trip will be good for her.
You are right that if she is a good friend (and she absolutely is), I should trust her enough to be honest about my concerns.
And thanks also for pointing out that visitors often need alone time. I think that will help me frame the conversation.

I’ll check in once I’ve made this phone call. Thanks again, y’all :)

Since you are going to talk to her on the phone ahead of time like Gail suggested, then she will have a heads up. In the meantime, get out an actual calendar (that shall be posted somewhere where your friend can see it, maybe on the fridge) and start marking out the activities and times that you need to do X,Y and Z, while she’s here, also mark in the times and activities (which will be very limited, maybe only to dinner out each night, with maybe one fun trip to a museum/zoo/beach or whatever, but only if you actually can squeeze that in).

As soon as she gets to your house, gush all over her and let her know how happy you are to see her. Then get right to the point and let her know that you wish you could spend more time with her, but your work and travel plans got abruptly changed after you guys discussed having her come to visit you. So you need to let her know (say it sweetly and politely) that you will have very limited time with her, but you have made some lists and maps of places and activities that you thought she might enjoy. Will she be driving and and have access to a car? If not, try to figure out in advance how she can easily use public transport and/or taxis.

Here’s a template of what to say: “Maggie! God, it’s so great to see you! I’m sorry I’ve been kind of a flake, lately, but I’m kind of stressed out. I don’t think I told you that my travel plans for going to France on my grant have been completely changed. I wasn’t supposed to be going until (give date) and now I have to leave an entire month earlier, which means I have to make a lot of plans right now, so this week, unfortunately I’m going to be very busy, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t spend some time together, but I apologize that it’s going to have to be very limited. We’ll probably be able to have dinner together every night, well except for Wednesday when I have to meet with (insert someone’s name) and I might be able to swing a few hours on Friday, as long as I’m back by (insert time). Again, I’m so sorry, but getting together all of these plans, and figuring out how I’m going to break my lease, and secure my lodging in France and finish up my work at school and blah blah blah is making me crazy. I’m so sorry and I wish this wasn’t all happening right now, because I’m so happy to see you (give a slightly pathetic winsome look now). But I made a calendar so I can keep track of everything I have to do this week, and we will get to spend some time together, just not as much as I had hoped for. I’m so sorry. But I’ve written down some stuff and picked up some brochures for some places that I thought you might like to visit, during the daytime while I’m working on sorting out all of this craziness. I don’t recall if you’ve ever been to (insert your city) but there’s tons to do here, and hopefully the weather will be nice. Then, hopefully we’ll be able to have dinner together and just chill, but I’ll have to warn you that I will have to go to bed pretty early, because I have to get up early to make these appointments and deadlines. God, it’s just been so frantic, but I’m so happy to see you! God, you look terrific! Where did you get those earrings?”

Then quickly show her around, and help her put her things where they need to go, show her how the TV works and tell her to help herself to anything that’s in the fridge and how to work the coffee maker. Before she gets there, go to the market and get some food, maybe fixings for salads, some fresh fruit, pasta salad, bread and cheese for sandwiches, some cookies, and don’t forget the Kerala mix!

Then take a deep breath, absolve yourself of all of your guilt, and just do what you have to do, even if you have to apologize to her every time you get up and leave or get on the phone or computer. If she’s a good friend, she will totally understand.

Tell her in advance what you are facing. No need for a rant just an explanation. My departure got moved up and that means I can’t spend all my time with you during your visit. I will have to work from X AM until Y PM every day so you’ll need to fend yourself then. Perhaps you want to bring some books or a project.

Just put it out there and trust.

I think I said last time you need to be straight and honest with her about the current demands on your time. Being nice and polite will just create more stress for you after she leaves. You can’t have that.

Find out what’s on in your area and have some brochures or whatever printed out so she can do things during the day without you. Don’t ask her. Tell her (nicely). “I checked out some things you can do while I’m tied up during the day. Look there is an exhibition on at xxx on Wednesday and you can catch the bus right outside the door. Then we can go to dinner in the evening. I’ll meet you xxx”. You need to be firm.

Or set her some tasks to help you. Do you need any shopping done for your trip that doesn’t require you to be there? Do you need help getting your apartment ready? If she’s staying with you and doesn’t want to go out and be out from under your feet, put her to work.

Really, you need to be selfish here. Selfish is not always a bad thing. It’s about self-preservation. You will end up resentful if you don’t make it very clear you can’t sit around and shoot the breeze while she’s there. Just don’t do it. Don’t wait for her to give you cues that you should get on. Just do it.

We had a situation that was sort of similar. A visit by friends from the USA had been planned for months. The friends were coming here for another reason but made special arrangements to visit with us for a week at the end of their business. Anyhow, a granddaughter decided to get married and my husband was asked to give her away since her dad was not available. So we had only 2 days with our friends instead of the planned week. We apologized and to make up for our absence, gave them the keys to our house and car. Helped them plan activities for the remaining time there. We also arranged with some local friends to take them out for dinner and a few other trips as well. They didn’t seem to mind and had a wonderful time with our local friends.

Perhaps you could do that, line up some of your other friends to take her around to see the sights, etc. while you take care of your business.

^^^ Really good suggestion.

The reality is you are busy but have made time for her and provided a loving space. She is an adult and will realize this I am sure. Just explain beforehand (like everyone else said) that you will be busy but you are ‘there’ for her. Stock up with some great videos, chocolates, bus timetables,the local newspaper with what is going on around town. You could also find interest groups in the area she might be interested in. During the busy phase perhaps find a time when you can chat in a special way, over dinner, or lunch or breakfast whichever works best for you. Then continue on your day.