8 yr relationship ended. Need opinions & advice?

There is nothing wasted. It sounds like the relationship ran it’s course ( for him at least ) and all things are of an impermanent nature in life. No-thing is forever, especially many relationships, and even if they are they end in someones death eventually.
Enjoy the memories of the good times, let go, move on. When we fight with reality we suffer.

Time to adopt this new and improved and healthier attitude.
Sure, you will feel sad for awhile but…pain happens, suffering is a choice.
True love is about wanting what’s best for the loved one, and if he thinks this is best for him you need to honor it.
I suggest an amazing little book you can order on amazon or find elsewhere.

“The way to love” by Anthony De Mello.
A must read for anyone. Get it, read it, soon!

That’s such a hard thing to go through. Give him some time to let it really sink in; when I have problems in my life I often take it out on my boyfriend and suggest breaking up, when that’s not what I really want. Maybe he is interested in being friends with benefits? If it ends up not working out, maybe pick up a hobby to get your mind off him. I started really working out after my best friend and I started hating eachother. I feel so much better about myself and feel good knowing I’m better off than she. Maybe working out can release your anger.

Keep your head up(:

It didn’t really seem like he was into it from the get-go, to be honest. There are just some signs there, such as you guys breaking up before (was it repeatedly)?

Let me support you in your no contact, at least for 60 days. And if he tries to come back in your life, tell him only if he does some counseling/therapy first, at least six months, and then commits to couples counseling for the two of you while he commits to ongoing personal therapy for at least a full year, perhaps two.

He has essentially avoided growing up, and treating you like shit in the meantime.

And for yourself I’d also recommend therapy, even if just for a few sessions, to help you resolve to not let him treat you poorly. You deserve to be treated better.

Right now you are in crisis. Your thoughts and feelings will be unreliable and you might feel like you are on a roller coaster.

DO NOT make any big decisions or important choices now. Do not contact him or let him contact you for at least 6 months.

Allow yourself to feel hurt, angry and anything else you might feel. Holding it in will do you no good. But, do not ruminate. Feel it and let it go.

In time you will exit your crisis stage and begin to reevaluate your life and choices. Be good to yourself and maybe make a positive lifestyle choice, like taking a class or planting a garden.

You will need to relearn who you are and what you want without this man. No need to rush. Nor is there reason to wallow.

Welcome to Fluther. You’ve come to a good place.We come from many places and share all kinds of problems. We think you can find the answers from many points of view. You’re in a very painful, very common situation. To me, the most important thing right now is to stay strong in your belief in yourself. I’m glad you’re taking the strong position of no contact. Take care of yourself. Find out the other things in your life you value. Take the opportunity to get involved in something you always wanted to do but didn’t have the time or opportunity. Check in here to unload or share your quandary. Or discuss anything else you’d like to talk about. We’re generally a very supportive group.

Welcome to Fluther!

It sounds to me like he was doing you a favor, since he knew he was giving you “the shit end of the stick” He cares about you enough to let you go so you have an opportunity to live your life the way you want to live it and to be with people who appreciate and respect you. I have found that its usually best not to have contact for a while after a breakup, because feelings are still raw, and many behaviors are habitual, so it just feels awkward.

I am certain that it hurts like hell right now, having been through divorcee and an unsuccessful 7-year relationship, I know your pain. Take your time to grieve the loss, and redefine yourself as an independent individual. I do believe that one day you will look back at this and may even regret hanging on to him for as long as you have.

Crossroads in life are always a challenge, but they are important in helping us grow. Take a step back and imagine that this has just happened your best friend and confidante, and you’ve seen all she’s been through… what advice would you give her?

Everybody before me has said all good things. Just keep in mind that time will heal this wound and you will feel better as time goes on. Who needs this drama? It’s disruptive to you mentally, physically, probably affects your concentration at work, might affect your family life. Go through the pain of the breakup and keep busy doing other things. Take up a hobby, take a class, join a book group, exercise, see your friends, enjoy nature.

The disappointment you are feeling is understandable – the person you love and trusted wasn’t committed to the same things you are. After all that time if he can’t make you and your relationship a priority then you need to move on. Many of us have been through this and it always seemed so devastating but looking back, it was a blessing, at least for me.

Give yourself time to heal, you will get through it, and the experience will make you stronger. Remember, only you can teach people how to treat you. Teach them well.

He cares more about his work and music than he does about you. He’s trying to let you down easy.
The best thing is to break contact and move on. It’s hard but you need to just do it. You deserve someone who sees you as a priority.
I understand how your heart can ache so bad you can barely breathe. This will pass I promise. You will always have a twinge of pain when you think about him but you will be able to breathe and love again.

@Ztw – As others have said: Welcome! It’s true, as @Sunny2 – we’re generally a supportive group, at least in my experience. There will always be an asshole here and there, just like in the “real” world.

So, I’d agree with everyone else’s advice: stay busy, play, live and enjoy freedom. You’ll be on a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s good to hear you closed your Facebook and all that. That was wise and a good step.

Anyway, you said somerthing that’s the clincher for me: ”[no matter]...how busy you are, you make time for them.” That’s been an attitude that I’ve adapted to over the years and have had to kiss some relationships goodbye (both romantic and platonic.) You are absolutely on the mark there. Sure, if it’s short-term to make some dough and cover bills or a financial emergency, that’s one thing. But it sounds like what he’s doing is voluntary (the drumming – not his day-job) and two bands? He’s not making the time or putting in the effort.

Take some time to just decompress; you need it. You’ve known this man a very long time. You may feel hurt for awhile. It’s only natural, but humans are resilient and you will bounce back.

This happens to everyone at some point. You sound like young people, he just isn’t that into the relationship thing, I’m aftaid- you are just going to have to get over it, and you will (takes time) and just remember every person ever, has been dumped by someone, and really been cut about it. You will survive this.

Hey, welcome to Fluther.
I am sorry to hear this happened. I have never even been in such a long relationship, but I know how painful it can be when a relationship with someone you trust and have shared so much with comes to an end.
There’s lots of good advice on here already and I don’t really have anything new to say. I just wanted to applaud you for making the no-contact decision. It is all too common for the dump-er to try to string the dump-ee along and keep them in the background as a possible lay. It sounds like you respect yourself too much to let that happen.
You’re grieving right now. Be kind to yourself and trust that this pain will pass.

I agree with @bookish1, I’m sorry it happened but you’re doing the right thing in moving on. He sounds like a narcissist.

Thank you all who posted. It has been very hard for me to stay no contact, but I have no choice. The only thing I can do is work on myself & stay busy.

Welcome to Fluther..and so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. 8 years is a long time – and the reasons he’s giving you sound like BS. You are so right to keep yourself busy and focus on you..and your hard decision to go no-contact sounds like the right move as well.

The worst heartbreak of my life was with a guy in the music business (he was soundboard/road manager for some big alternative acts back in the day)..and he flaked out in a similar way. Now, 15+ years later he regrets his choices immensely and realizes what he lost…but did I want to wait 15 years for him to figure it out? Hell no!

Here’s a quote that kept me putting one foot in front of the other back then, in case it helps you at all:
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
-Maya Angelou

I feel so terrible right now. My friend showed me a photo of him on FB. He went to NYC over the weekend I guess… He looked so happy & I’m just devastated even more then i was before. This is why I got rid of everything. How can he just go on with his life? I am completely heartbroken. I feel so foolish.

BREATHE! And don’t look at anymore pictures.

People, places & things – sorry to drop a 12-step term, but it was the first thing I thought of. @Ztw – Beware of “friends” who are going to display pictures of your ex to you. That’s so terribly cruel. Besides that, what @Judi said – just don’t look at anymore pictures, read tweets, etc!

I went through a horrible break up myself on Sept 21, 2011 – the worst day of my life still. It’s still hard for me & I think I will always love her. I can say the actual physical pain & desperate thoughts went almost completely away. I still feel it sometimes, but it is nowhere near the severity. Have hope. Focus on you & surround yourself with friends who wont bring him up or show you his stuff online. Go to the library and get some CDs on guided meditation/imagery. I also agree that you should just drop him & not look back. Don’t think you are stupid. There’s nothing stupid about how you feel inside about all this. Good luck and welcome. You are in a very good circle here. These jellies helped me a great deal in getting through my rough time. Chin up. He doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you.