How do I talk to him?

For starters, you could all watch no arms, no legs, no worries. There are many options on you tube. Here is one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciYk-UwqFKA It would be a way to start talking. PM me for other links if you can’t find them.

But recognize also that there is a legitimate grieving process that the whole family needs to go through. And grieving processes have no time limit. He’ll have to deal with this again with every personal milestone (dating, graduation, job, marriage) as well as the calendar year. Holidays can be especially painful for those who grieve, and remember there’s always the anniversary of the tragedy.

Talk to him as you have always talked to him. He is the same guy, the only difference is that he can’t walk now and has to use a wheelchair.

To help him feel more comfortable around your house try to make it easy to navigate in his chair. Pick things up off the floor so he doesn’t have to run over an obstacle course to get around. Push in chairs so there is room for him to push his chair through the house. Make sure there is a way for him to get in and out of the house by himself. If there are steps to the house, you can get a portable ramp fairly inexpensively from Craig’s List. If possible make sure there is a bathroom available that he can get into. The more accessible the house, the more comfortable he will feel.

The truth is that he does have a disability, but he does not have to let it define him and you don’t have to make it define him either. There are a lot of things he can’t do anymore, but there are plenty of things he can. If he has full use of his hands he can play video games, bowl, play cards, etc. My husband, who is quadriplegic, points out that he can do (almost) everything he did before he broke his neck, he just has to do it differently.

Most of all talk to him. Listen to him. Don’t push him too hard, but be there and lend an ear so he feels safe sharing his fears, his experiences, whatever he wants or needs to process through. I am active on a board specifically for people living with spinal cord injuries and one of the chief complaints there is that friends deserted them post injury. There is no denying he has suffered a huge loss and is going to be depressed at times and is going to go through a grieving process. The best you can do is be patient and listen. In short, be there for him and remember he is the same guy he has always been.

Don’t ignore the disability. He knows he’s in a wheelchair. Just ask him what you can do to let him live life as fully as possible. Set up trips to help him enjoy the things he did before. Just confront his situation head on. Yes, his body has changed, but not who he is. Honesty is the best policy.

@Mitsukuni Second thought. Can you safely take him swimming in a pool? That would be good for his body. He can work his arms and his cardio and take the load off his butt. (Sorry I couldn’t think how to phrase that better.)

If you do decide to take him swimming make sure he talks to his doctor if he has an indwelling or suprapubic catheter because there may be some hygiene issues. Also there are some pools that don’t allow catheters in the water.

Also, he might want to check out an online community such as Apparelyzed for some peer support. You could check it out too to learn more about his injury and what he might be facing.

@SuperMouse Excellent point. I didn’t think of the catheter.

Thanks for all the advice. It’s extremely helpful, special thanks to @SuperMouse for this new information on swimming.

To be honest, I hadn’t thought at all about how he used the restroom, I just knew that he did. But thinking back on it, he is paralyzed from waist down so he wouldn’t have control of his fluids, would he?

I happen to have an in ground pool in my backyard, so it may be possible he could come with us this summer to get in the water. I’ll share this information with my mum and we’ll see what comes of it. (I’m not sure whether my cousin already has this information already or not, but I suspect it’s been discussed.)

Also, thanks for the link site and the helpful relationship advice. It’s been very informative and illuminating.

I have another question, brought to light by my twin brother, Akira, who seems closest to my cousin. My cousin doesn’t say this to anybody else, but he’s confessed to Akira that he (my cousin) feels quite helpless and useless, saying he feels he can’t do anything anymore (i.e. not being able to run, to walk, to rock-climb—something that was a passion of his, etc.).
Is there any way to encourage him about this? While it’s true that he isn’t able to do as much, he can still do other things, but I can’t think of how to say this without pointing out he can’t do the things he used to. Or is that what needs to be said?

@Mitsukuni it is totally understandable and natural that he feels helpless and useless. My husband has been in a wheelchair for 23 years and still feels that way sometimes.

Slowly but surely he’ll get used to his new body and the limitations, but there is no doubt he will always mourn what he has lost. I suggest just keep listening and encouraging him to slowly but surely get back out and try to do some of the things he used to do. There are handbikes, wheelchair basketball, baseball, rugby, etc. You might see if you can get ahold of a copy of the movie Murderball, those guys are no joke and there are people early in their SCI journey and some who have been injured longer. There are some real bad asses in that movie who might give him a view of what is still out there for him. Just don’t push it too hard and maybe forgo the No Arms No Legs video for the time being because you don’t want him feel even more inadequate because he hasn’t come to the place of acceptance some people have.

Just keep talking and keep listening and treat him as you always have, that is what he needs the most.

BTW @Mitsukuni your cousin is very lucky to have family so dedicated to him to helping him through this tough adjustment. You are being incredibly thoughtful and kind, that alone puts him way ahead of the game!

@SuperMouse, Alright, we’ll stick with him as always. I’ll probably have to sneak the movie, my mum doesn’t like anything with the word ‘murder’ in it, even if it’s got nothing to do with killing people. But I agree in probably giving him some time. After all, it’s hard to adjust to changes and this is a huge change in his life.

And thank you, we try to be supportive of him. As you stated before about the deserting friends, some of my cousin’s friends have begun to distance themselves and treat him differently before. I don’t know why people act like this and I personally would like to hit them. But we’ll stay with him until he’s reached a point where he feels he can be more independent again.

Yesterday, I learned that he’d be staying with my family for a week or two of summer while his mum went away on a business trip. (We’re all hoping she gets the promotion she’s been working for.) Do you have any ideas of what we could do then? He doesn’t like being stuck inside for long periods of time—neither do I for that matter—so is there anything that we could do outside or such? I’d wondered about amusement parks, since I’ve seen some people in wheelchairs riding the rides, but I wasn’t sure about it.

The most important thing when he is staying with you is that he can get in and out of the house and the bathroom without help. That will give him enough independence so he won’t have to feel like he is reliant on anyone.

As for things to do, you can go online and plug in the search Accessible (insert name of town) or something along those lines and you will get a list of things to do in your area that are handicap accessible. The mall, a park with paved trails, bowling, the beach, etc. There is probably more he can’t do at an amusement park at this point than there is that he can.

Do you know the level of his injury? It will be C – for cervical, T – for thoracic, or L- for lumbar along with a number. The letter is where on the cord the injury is with cervical being the neck area, thoracic being the chest and lumbar being the lower back. The number is which vertebrae in that area are affected. Typically the lower the injury the more hand and trunk function he will have.

My husband’s injury is C5 (he can’t move or feel anything from the armpits down) and because he has no core strength and no balance, there is very little he can do at an amusement park. He also can’t move his fingers so something like bowling is out for him. Since you use the term paraplegia (as opposed to quadriplegia), I am guessing your cousin’s injury is lower so there is probably a lot that he can still do for fun. The lower the injury, the more there will be available for him to enjoy. But even if it is high he can still do plenty. My husband lifts weights three times a week, works out aerobically, has pushed a bunch of 10K’s, gone sky diving, kayaking, etc., all since breaking his neck.

He’s thoracic, that much I know, but as to level, I’m not quite sure.
Also, I really should have mentioned this before but the thought slipped my mind, but my cousin also has hemophilia, poor kid. This probably will impact quite a few things and I’m stupid for failing to mention it earlier. Many apologies.