Do you go to a funeral for a coworker's sister?

I would neither contribute to a fund (though my answer might be different if my budget were healthier), nor attend the funeral. I would express my sympathy in person (which is important), and leave it at that.

I think the last time I attended a funeral for a stranger was when I was a child. My feeling is that there are very few people that a grieving person wants to interact with at a funeral. I would go if I were absolutely sure it was appropriate. If I wasn’t sure, then no.

Do as you wish. It means a lot to some people if there are many people present at a funeral. If you have the time, go. As to the flowers, again, that’s your choice.
I have always learned something when I’ve gone to a funeral and because of the human interest aspect have come away glad I went.

Up to you. I do not do weddings and funerals unless they involve family. Not my thing, and each to his own. I think any coercement and guilt trips by others are manipulative. It is a choice and a preference not a mandate, and I do not abide by any rigid social protocol.

Go if you want to., If not, contribute to flower fund or give her a sympathy card.

Personally I really do not get the big deal people make about dying. Dying happens and sure, we miss those we lose, and certainly sudden death is a shocker, but, all in all….I do not agree that everyone needs to be all broken up over death, it is egocentric to feel that just because someone has experienced a death that everyone else should mourn with them.
I accept death as an inevitable part of living, and do not agree with mollycoddling others neurotic issues surrounding a natural event.

Yes to all your questions, but only if you are moved to support her, not out of any feeling of obligation. If you don’t attend, however, be prepared for the possibility that your absence will be noted negatively by your co-worker, who will surely be in a highly emotional state.

At my dad’s untimely funeral, which was held in another city from where I lived and worked, two of my co-workers attended with no request from me. To this very day 40 years later, I’m still grateful to them.

To me, it would mainly depend on the relationship I have with the coworker. If we spend a lot of time together and share personal information about our lives, I might go.

If you are close with your co-worker and it seems like it would be important and meaningful to him that you attend the funeral, then you should go.

If you are not especially close, then give your condolences to him in person and send a card to his home.

I think it depends on whether you and your co-worker are close. If you’re nothing more than colleagues and don’t share a warm relationship, you don’t need to attend the funeral or contribute to the flowers. But, if you and he are friendly, even if you don’t have a relationship outside of work, either gesture would be nice.

Regardless, it would be an act of kindness for you to show your sympathy in some way, such as sending a hand-written condolence letter (not an email; some things still need to be done with pen and paper). It’s traumatic to lose a sibling at any age; to have a sister die during her 30’s seems must be too painful to imagine.

When I have no personal relationship to the deceased person, I go to funerals for the sake of my relationship with the bereaved. I’ve attended many more services to support the family than to express my own feeling of loss. I also send a card with a personal note. If I can say something about the deceased loved one, I do; otherwise I concentrate on words of sympathy.

In your case, I would certainly go. Your group is far too small for your absence not to be noted, and it could well be misunderstood as indifference to your coworker’s loss.

@glacial,

My feeling is that there are very few people that a grieving person wants to interact with at a funeral.

That might be something that people see very differently. When my father died as a member of an extended academic community, the large church sanctuary was full. I didn’t have to deal with all those people, but I felt their presence, and it meant something to me. When my mother died, the service was in a small, out-of-the-way town that few people would travel to reach. The attendance was very small, hardly anyone besides family. To me this was much sadder.

@Jeruba I absolutely understand what you’re saying. My own mother’s funeral was very small as well, but rather than finding it sad, I took great comfort in the fact that every person there had warm personal memories of my mother, and made an effort to be there for her.

That was my experience, and yours was every bit as real and valid and as powerful as mine. To me, this is just a reminder that grief is a very personal thing, and that we shouldn’t judge people for making the choices they do, either as the bereaved or as the funeral attendee. Just do what you feel is right.

I’m sensitive to these things too. I think I’m really starting to agree with @Sunny2 over the years. There are no rules. Just do what feels right for your specific relationship.

It would depend on my relationship with my co-worker. If she/he was a good friend and had asked me to be there, then I would be there to support them. If they were just a colleague and we weren’t close and they had not specifically asked me to be there, I wouldn’t go. I might put money in for flowers. Again, as a mark of respect for my colleague and their feelings.

I choose a wake over a funeral if the option is there, but would attend either.

Just my approach.

Think about how much it will mean to your coworker that someone who wouldn’t be expected to (or “have to”) show up, attended his sister’s funeral anyway.

Pachy said it all: “40 years later, and I’m still grateful to them…”

I think that every time we have the chance to show that kind of respect, it is a no-brainer.

Just do it….
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I ditto, @Bellatrix answer. I remember at my former job, two people had passed away that had some association to the company, so they gave us the day off, if we wanted attend. My boss went both times and ask why I didn’t want to go. I simply said that I didn’t know the person and neither did she. She said that she went to support the people who were related and worked in the company. Again, she knew them but really didn’t like them. I really didn’t know them either, so I said I wasn’t going. I thought it was distasteful.

I know if a love one of mine dies, I do not want to be surrounded by people who do not really care about that person. And I especially don’t want them showing up if they really don’t know me, like this is some entertainment hour. I remember when my dad died and one of my dad’s co-workers showed up and thought it was a good time to hit on my sister. He was probably given a few paid hours to show up at the wake. But it was obvious he didn’t give two hoots for my dad or our grief.

@Pandora Indeed, in that kind of situation, it’s hard to know whether the employer is really showing support or sees it as some kind of teambuilding exercise. I hate to be cynical about people’s motives, but I also don’t want to have to wonder these things about people at a funeral. Maybe I’ve just never worked in an environment where coworkers are genuinely friends.

Attending the funeral of a friend’s departed family member is a sign of respect for the person that you know, be it the grieved or the grieving. If you can arrange to go, please do so. You have no idea how much it will mean to you co-worker, even if s/he only sees you for a couple of seconds.

If if is impossible for you to attend or if the idea makes you uncomfortable, then send a card to the co-worker’s home address.

As for floral arrangements, it depends upon the request of the family/deceased. Some would prefer a donation to a charity in lieu of flowers. This information can be found out through the obituary or the funeral home.

What’s more important at this time is being patient and understanding about the co-worker’s emotions when s/he comes back to work. Dealing with grief is different for everyone.

When my father died a few years ago, I notified my supervisor in an email and cc’ed the director of operations. I had not spoken to my father in quite a few years, but last I knew, I was his executor (at least before he moved several states away). I didn’t need or want bereavement time – I had grieved the loss of a relationship that could never be back when I had cut off ties. I just wanted to warn them in case I had to take time off to address the business end of things. As it was, my brother had been named executor, and that was the end of it.

I found it disconcerting when two people from other office locations sent sympathy cards to my home. I had not spoken with them about anything, and how the fuck did they have access to my home address? The whole thing was handled unprofessionally, and I let the administration know it. Expressing sympathy when none is needed or wanted is inappropriate.

If you know the coworker well, and you know that the loss if their family member is upsetting to them, and they are the type that appreciate “shows of support”, then go. But if you don’t really know the person or the nature of their relationship with the deceased, let it be.

If it was the co-worker, of course. As it’s a co-workers relative that you don’t know or work with, there is no obligation.

If you are close with the co-worker, that is a personal decision as to how much you want to participate, but even being close doesn’t mean you need to do anything other than be a supportive understanding friend.

For me, unless I know the person, I feel very uncomfortable at funerals, and would only go to visitation to show respect.

So, if this is just a co-worker and you went already, (this OP was 3 months old) next time another co-worker’s family member dies you have to go too?