Is this rude, or am I being unreasonable?

A- your friend is not a friend. B- do not fall for this again. Moral of story: You were used, yes, now you know. plan not to be used again. end of story.

Eh wow! She asked you for a ride on top of skipping out on you twice? How the hell is she saving you time.

Yeah relegate her to the ranks of a flake. Maybe a well meaning one but you deserve a better friend.

Could be a miscommunication. If you mentioned you were busy they might have taken that seriously to heart and not have wanted to take up a lot of your time. I realized for myself, sometimes when I say, “don’t feel any pressure to meet up if you are busy,” some people interpret that as they think I am saying between the lines I don’t care about or don’t really want to see them, when the fact is I want to see them, but don’t want them to feel pressure, which is exactly what I stated. So, either your friend took advantage of you, or they thought they were being considerate. Hard to know. Unless it is a longstanding pattern, then you know.

key: ‘you haven’t seen for years’ ...

@trailsillustrated : Thanks for your answer. It’s true that we haven’t seen each other for years, but she also hasn’t seen this friend from high school for years. But she had no idea that he was even living here; they ran into each other by chance. That’s why I didn’t know if I was being unreasonable for feeling miffed. But I think they should have at least asked me if I wanted to hang out with them. This ain’t no hotel service here >_>

@rosehips: I think you are right. Just another manifestation of longstanding flakiness.

@JLeslie: Thank you for your thoughts. I think this might be a both/and kind of situation, actually…

It might be inconsiderate… I don’t know how you communicated before or since she arrived.

The point is, you have to be clear with communication. You have to set boundaries. You have to find a balance between firm and loving.

If it’s an inconvenience to you… don’t give her a ride. If you want to be her driver… don’t complain. If you want to be invited to socialize… ask. You’re in charge, here. Be in charge.

I know a couple people I haven’t seen in years or ever- I want to visit san francisco so I’m going to stay in their apartment but completely party with people that they have never met , oh, and sorry, my kind host isn’t going to be able to see me or show me the sights, because I’m only using them for a place to stay on my visit.

@bookish1 She seems a tad self-centered. However, in two earlier questions you have complained about her being around while you are busy and worried about what she would do to occupy herself. Now she has done something, and you are not happy.

I would tell her that you had made yourself free in the evenings to enjoy her visit. Also, any other times when you will be free. Say. “I want to give you my schedule so you’ll know when we can spend time together. I’ve missed seeing you these past two evenings.”

I would be very hurt by this. I’ve actually been in this situation, and it caused a rift between me and the friend – I think because I didn’t express what I felt about it. We have since reconciled and occasionally (and carefully) joke about it. But I wish I had just said what I felt at the time, and given her a chance to explain herself. I feel she would have made different choices if she had known that she was my priority during the visit. Or at least, I could have understood what she was thinking.

Rude and she needs to be told what the issue is.

@marinelife: He said in the Q that he has not seen her for years.

@marinelife: You are right that I posed previous questions on here anticipating this visit. Drawing on feedback I got in those questions, I told her that I would have to work during the day, which she accepted easily, and said that we would have plenty of quality time, but I could only really hang out in the evening.
@glacial: Thank you for your response. I feel like it’s important to bring this up with her, but I’m not sure how to. We are both very emotionally similar—disinclined to confrontation. But I know I need to be direct about this rather than passive-aggressive.
@jca: Thank you for your input. It’s true that I have not seen this friend for years; my previous questions that @marinelife was referring to, I posted about this same friend, before her visit.

Impossibly rude and rather similar to the 1989 Seinfeld pilot.

The pilot was hilarious. Your experience was not.

It is a rude, you have every right to your feelings. Your friend was probably just excited, maybe just mention how it made you feel?

I’ve been following this for a few posts, and earlier on encouraged you to allow her to come for a short visit. But I think that given your history with her, you need to have a good talk with her over lunch or dinner (or even over breakfast) (the point is that over a meal it isn’t an argument or threatening). She needs an honest complaint from you that you went out of your way to spend time with her, and that her behavior has hurt you.

If your friendship with her is as good as you described, this is a bump in the road for the two of you, but it needs to be expressed so that you don’t have a resentment and she becomes aware of the impact of her behavior.

Good Luck!

You mentioned “But she had no idea that HE was even living here;”
Possibly a romance blossomed between them?
Hense the time spent more with him.
Still is not acceptible if she wants your friendship to continue.
Tell her that.

@bookish1 It may very well be that your friend thinks that by taking a suddenly-presented opportunity to free up some of your time, she is helping you. Regardless of what you told her about how best to use the little time you have, she may have only heard “I need to spend less time with you than you were prepared for”, and not the part about how to spend that time, which has become more important to you.

This is what I meant by wishing I’d given my friend a chance to explain herself. The bottom line is that neither of us wanted to hurt the other, but by not discussing it, we both remained hurt and allowed the awkwardness to fester.

Or maybe she’s just a jerk. Either way, it’s probably better if you find out.

If a casual acquaintance from long ago had made plans for “a brief visit” and then cancelled the plans because of an unexpected meeting with a closer friend (also from long ago), I’d just chalk it up to “at least I know where I am in the pecking order with this old acquaintance”, and then not worry much about it. That is, I wouldn’t put myself out for that person and I wouldn’t expect much to develop in the friendship department (since I would have been shown already where I stand). And that’s okay; I can accept that that is how things are. Fine.

But if I were then given instructions on pickup and dropoff points and times so that she could visit with the other person… I’d drop that “friend” quickly. I’ll change a stranger’s flat tire when they’re in need of assistance, but I won’t be misused by former and would-be “friends” in the way you’ve described. You’re not at all unreasonable. While that person may not have been “rude” to use you in that way – if you’ll accept being used that way – she was certainly thoughtless and inconsiderate of your feelings.

Is this the same person whom you told you would only be available for a brief period if she visited? If it is, she may well have thought that going off for some of the time was beneficial to you too. Or she may still have been a bit miffed by your restrictions. Visits are tricky; I just came back from visiting family with a friend and it was a bit tough to balance various needs. I would either speak directly to her about it or give her the benefit of the doubt.

Not very considerate for sure, self centered and wishy washy at worst.
Being impeccable with ones word is part of good character. Things may change but the person should have said, ” Hey, I am really sorry, I wanted to spend more time with you but this old friend has popped up too and I need to divide my time, I hope you understand.”
My daughter and her boyfriend just went through a situation over the weekend.

They drove 6 hours to Oregon to visit her bf’s brother and his girlfriend and they were not even home when they arrived! They texted them and they were at a lake and just said..” the doors unlocked, we will be home later.”
Then…they wanted my daughter and her bf to drive them around nightclubbing, had plans to meet with other friends and my daughter and her bf just went off and did their own thing and when they texted the brother and gf at midnight to say they were tired and ready to go home the bro. and gf said they would be in later because they wanted to stay for closing at the club they were at.

The next morning the pussy whipped brother made breakfast for everyone, served the gf in her room and she didn’t even come out to say “good morning” or “goodbye” when they left!
Granted, these people are only 21 years old, but…there is no excuse for their apathetic behavior.
People can be amazingly rude and self centered.

”...on call to be her driver…”

Hey, what are friends for?

I take it this friend is staying with you at some distance from her home. Is there any possibility that she had originally hoped you would take time off from work to spend time with someone you hadn’t seen in years? Is she the sort who might take this as a message about her importance to you—and want to deliver another message back?

Possibly the chance meeting was staged?

@bookish1 Yeah, both and kind of. Very possible. I guess next time maybe just be more assertive about time planned with this person. If they fail to commit then that would be telling. I just stayed with a friend of mine a few weeks ago for three days. Up front she told me she had gym time planned during the day, so I planned around her schedule for the most part, although one day I got back to her place a little after her. But, we had plans one day for lunch, another for dinner, and time to hang out and just watch TV. The thing is, I had my car, previously I have rented a car when I was flying in. I didn’t depend on her for a ride. But, that can depend on financial situations, cultural expectations, and under 25 it can be difficult to rent a car I think.

I vote rude.

Since you, with good reason, initiated the conditions, I would cut her a lot of slack.

First you were upset that your friend was imposing on your limited time, now you’re upset she didn’t spend enough time with you. What’s the real issue with the friend?

By the way, a wise friend taught me years ago that you can avoid some of these problems by setting out ground rules or discussing expectations with a visitor or fellow traveler beforehand. When I remember to do this, it helps things go much more smoothly.

ditto @CWOTUS

I’m with @nikipedia. Seems odd.

Sounds like she is taking the piss out of you.

As long as you learned something through this you are the better person for enduring it.

Perhaps this friendship has run its course.

She could have misconstrued what you needed in terms of time and when this other friend presented an alternative to taking up your time, she took it. Or maybe she’s rude. Have you told her you feel hurt? I know you both prefer to avoid confrontation but if you don’t communicate how you’re feeling you won’t really know if it’s a misunderstanding or if your friend isn’t such a good friend.

What a fucking cunt.

I hate when friends do that. “yes, you can be my friend, but just to let you know, you’re way down here on the importance level. ” I haven’t experienced it much since high school but when I do it somehow takes me right back there. Maybe that’s why I don’t have any close girlfriends who aren’t family. Hummmm
who needs therapy when you have fluther?

I think there was something lost in the communication of you being busy and perhaps her wanting to not be a bother? I don’t know her that well nor your relationship past and present so can’t really judge. If she seemed to be a ‘user’ in the past dump her, if she seemed a considerate friend then chat to her as she might have done it to please you.

I had the same thing happen to me, many years ago. Someone came to visit for just one day, and she used me as a taxi service for getting together with other people. I wasn’t invited to join her; my role was to drive her to various destinations. I was very hurt. Whatever friendship we’d ever had, it ended that day.

It does appear rude. I suggest that the two of you talk about it. No need for anger. Just tell her that you invited her in the hope of spending time with her and you would appreciate it if she could fit you in her schedule.

Would like to here more back from the OP in response.

Edit: “hear” not “here”