Do you regret not having children?

Not at all. I can’t advise you about what you will feel like if you adopted or had kids now as I never did, but I never wanted any and don’t regret not having any kids.

Yes. But, I always wanted them, and always thought I would have them.

@JLeslie – I always thought I would have kids until my first marriage broke up. Hard times being single seemed to have change my mind. I am worried it is my fear holding me back.

@Gabby101 For me it was health problems and fertility problems and my inability to persevere emotionally. I still look at my husband and wish I could have seen him be a father. I wish we had the experience together of loving that baby like crazy, deciding how to raise it, laughing at the silly things, watching them become their own independent selves with their own ideas. I know there are some really stressful times with children even when they are perfect and healthy. I think it is possible my husband and I have a stronger relationship because we didn’t have children. We are always very focused on each other. We have lots of freedom. If I were single I don’t think I would be as regretful, hard to know.

Fear is perfectly understandable, kids are a big undertaking.

I’m in a (somewhat) similar position in that I’m at an age where I feel like my time is running out to make up my mind about having children before the decision is made for me by my anatomy.

There are countless reasons that I haven’t had a child, but the last year or two have been eating me up inside. I really fear the possibility of regretting it when I no longer have the option. My husband has children from a past relationship, so I have “kids,” but something about the desire for a biological child is so profound. Sometimes I feel like I could compare it to wanting to take a breath of air or a drink of water, it feels like a primal need. However, I know a lot of women who do not feel that way and who are really comfortable and happy with the idea of never having a child.
I think whether or not it is something you would regret is something that only you can answer.

No! Absolutely, positively, unequivocally and irrevocably NO!
Do I seem to be waffling?

I agree with @DigitalBlue. I had children so I can’t speak about having regrets in not having them. But I will say that the biggest regrets one often has, comes from not really fulfilling your desires. Provided you really want children because you want someone to love and share your life and love with, than you will make a great mom. If you want them to fulfill an emptiness that the divorce is leaving you with, than you may want to reconsider.

The fear you are talking about usually has to do with change. I know I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I would never be or could be everything a child would need. On top of it all, we were broke. But I knew I no longer had a choice. I was going to be a mom and I was determined to do all I could to be the best mom this child could ever have.
When he was 18 he wrote me a personal christmas card, naming all the ways that I was the best mom he could ever wish for. I felt like I won a Pulitzer.

You don’t know what you are capable of until you simply have to do it. Just do it with all your heart and you will make the right decision. I would also like to add a bit of advice. If you decide to be a mom, be a parent, not a friend. Children don’t need to hear yes all the time. They need direction and the truth and of course love and patience.
Best of luck.

@Pandora I never worried about those things in regards to children, my only worry was if they had major health problems.

Yes.

But, there is still time!

My wife and I are parents, but we never had children — because we chose to adopt (internationally).

See, we had fifteen years alone together prior to wanting to be parents. We also had no desire to get pregnant, so adoption was just a logical choice.

Neither of us regrets not getting pregnant, but we both had our doubts right up until the moment we received our daughter. In that instant, chaotic as it was, all the fears about money and time just melted away.

Fear, as @JLeslie said, is a natural reaction. Choosing to be a parent, raising children — scariest thing you’ll ever do. But, if the answer to the question, “Do I want to give myself to loving and guiding a child?” is YES, then you just do it — fear be damned.

If you have the slightest desire to have a child, the sacrifices are worth it.

I never had fears or indesicion- at about 30 my biological clock was screaming. I could hear my children calling me, I could. I had fertility treatment. My twins are 17 now and I am so glad I did whatever it took. They are exactly the personalities I thought they would be. I don’t know how old you are but if the urge gets louder you are going to have to follow it.

I’ve met several much older women (40s 50s) who didn’t have children and never wanted the and they told me they don’t regret it at all. All had very full lives and hobbies and good friends.

I tend to think those who regret are those who wanted them but didn’t have them in time.

Ticking bio clock is just desire that you already had deep down bubbling up. If you get to be 30 and still adamantly don’t want kids then you’re likely not going to regret it.

That being said, don’t mistake your fear of being alone as a desire for a child. That is dangerous and you WILL regret it if you have children for that reason.

Yes.

Yes, about 97% of the time. The other 3% is when I’m doing something that would be made more difficult, complicated or cumbersome by having them.

Maybe I am too young to answer this question (one week off turning 27) but I don’t plan to have children and my boyfriend (who has children from a previous marriage) is adament that he doesn’t want anymore. I am completely fine with that. I don’t dislike children, I love cuddling babies and talking to my friend’s kids but I can’t imagine having my own and when I think about it, I have no desire to have my own. I hope I won’t regret it in years to come but I am not going to do something I don’t want to now in case I regret it when it’s too late.

My Aunt, who is now about 54 I believe, really regrets not having children. She never wanted children until it was really too late and she is in no position (financially) to even consider other options now like fostering or adoption. I feel sorry for her. When I was a child she treated me like her own daughter.

I am 47 and am considering adopting an international child (my only option for a healthy child). I would prefer a child 4–5 yrs old so that I would be closer to the age of a natural, older mother.

I wouldn’t say it is a fear of loneliness that has made me consider this, but more the fact that now I have the option because my husband no longer has a say and the fact that I want a family. I was ok with just a family of my husband and I, but now that he is leaving, I have no one to love or take care of. Also, I like children. I guess I substituted my husband for children – or that is my worry. Now that he is gone I will regret not having children.

@Leanne1986

I don’t think that is “too young”. Frankly, I’m very sick of being told that I am “too young” to know what I want. I felt in my heart when I was 4 that I would never have children. As I got older, I realized that I strongly disliked being around them. When I was 19, I developed a hormonal condition and stopped ovulating and was told by doctors that I probably couldn’t get pregnant naturally unless I started trying now. I was HAPPY to hear that.

I am now 23, really wanting and waiting for the day that people will take me seriously on this. I had to fight to get a IUD in me too because of the whole “buuuut you could chaaaange your miiiind”.

@seekingwolf
I always thought that If you’d change your mind, you can have an IUD removed, or am I mistaken?

@whitenoise

Oh yes, absolutely. However, I’ve found it difficult to find a OB-GYN that was willing to place one inside of me, given my young age (23) and the fact that I had never had children. My GYNs in my area only wanted to put one in married woman who had children, due to concerns that IUDs can cause some infertility after being taken out.

Of course, I’d say “well look, I don’t care, just do it” but I got the “you’ll chaaaange your miiiind” line. Honestly, I felt a little insulted, like I was deemed incapable to make my own health choices.

Ultimately, the only way I got an IUD was by playing up the fact that I’m in a long term relationship and that I needed effective BC before undergoing a surgery that would require me to get off the pill. They really couldn’t say no then.

I don’t understand. An IUD isn’t the same as having your tubes tied, or having a hysterectomy, both of which are permanent. It’s more like using a condom or the pill. I don’t understand why a doctor would hesitate to put one in place any more than they’d hesitate to prescribe birth control pills.

@Dutchess_III Prbably has to do with the Dalkon Sheild disaster many years ago. A lot of women were left infertile from that IUD. Some doctors may not understand why that IUD was different, or they might not want to take any risk of the IUD they inserted being blamed for fertility problems even if they might be actually unrelated.

I see. Thanks.

@seekingwolf
Here, in the Middle East – where we live, every woman seems to get that speech. My wife is a bit older (less young) than you (41) and when she asked for a preplacement IUD, the Gyn pushed her to reconsider having some more children. In honesty, I would love that, but my wife has had enough physical abuse the first time around. :-)
Her coworkers told her that it was perfectly normal; they all get the same speech, every time.

@seekingwolf @whitenoise My MIL was in her mid 30’s when she asked her doctor for an hysterectomy. She had three children at the time. A girl, then a boy, then two late miscarriages, one actually the baby died in utero and had to be removed and she almost died. Then another pregnancy, baby born at 7th months, 2 kilos, a little touch and go the first couple of weeks. She had been having heavy bleeding while not pregnant and it was getting worse and worse. She told me she would pick up heavy bags at the grocery store and gush blood. She felt her health was at risk. When she went to her long time oldish Catholic doctor he told her, no you might still have more children. So, she found a Jewish doctor and he removed her uteris. Luckily, he left her ovaries. She had no idea her ovaries were left behind until when she hit 50 and started menopause, which for her has been ridden with discomfort and hot flashes for many years. Back when she was in her 30’s, 40 years ago now, many doctors just took everything including the ovaries.

No, not at all. I find that I get much more satisfaction from helping people in other ways. I would consider adopting a kid before creating my own offspring if the need to have one ever consumes me, but at 40 I highly doubt that’ll happen. I’m actually afraid of bringing a kid into a dangerous and stressful world without asking for their permission, as odd as that may sound to others.

I would like to know what you decided. In 2015 you wrote that your nieces do not even write or call to say thanks for your thoughtfulness and gifts.