At what point is it no longer worth it to confront your parents?

@SuperMouse I made the decision that it was no longer worth it to confront my parents when I was in my late teens. There were just some arguments that could not be won, and trying was wearing me out. The only way to stick to that was to avoid certain topics altogether, and this meant distancing myself from them. That meant that we couldn’t know each other as well as I might have hoped… but then, we clearly didn’t anyway, and not because of anything I was doing. So I’ve made peace with that.

You suggest sending an email to your father asking if you had done something to upset him. Is there any answer that he could give that would justify his behaviour? And therefore, does it matter what his answer would be? If I were to write an email to discuss the events of that day, it would be to ask why he felt he had the authority to dismiss my (hypothetical) children in my own house – because that’s the question I’d really want the answer to. Or, it would be to simply tell him that he didn’t have that authority, and to ask or tell him not to do that again.

I’m sorry to hear about this situation. Hits home for me. I agree with @glacial‘s advice. It sounds like your feelings were hurt, which is certainly natural, and asking him if you had done something to upset him is a way to indirectly communicate that. But I doubt there’s anything he could say to justify his behavior that would satisfy you.

It sounds like he’s relying on old behavior patterns. At this age, if he has not become more self-aware, he probably never will. But you are in your rights to call him out on his behavior, and tell him that he does not have the authority to yell at you or order your children around.

Rather than ask if you did something wrong (which you did not), I would send him an email that says something like, “Dad I long ago came to the conclusion that our relationship was not repairable. However, you are missing a chance to know and bond with your grandkids. Your treatment of them at the family reunion was abominable. I resent your behavior on behalf of my children.”

I mean this respectfully, but why would you ask a dysfunctional person his opinion of your behavior or try to reason with him by providing justifications for your actions? He’s the deficient party, and he doesn’t have a reasonable perspective to draw from.

The confrontation that should happen is within yourself in a decision not to internalize his reactions and entertain his behavior. In this context, you are the authority of what’s normal and acceptable, not him, and you shouldn’t feel limited in acting normally. Instead you should feel whatever range of emotion you feel that he’s been around this long and still hasn’t figured out how the game is played.

It might be useful to consider how you would respond to a two year old who is yelling at you and making demands. How would you handle their behavior? Would you take it personally, or would you see beyond the negative emotions directed at you and understand that this person’s venomous behavior has more to do with their own limitations than an inherent fault.

I would guess it’s crazy difficult to overcome a parent’s authority in a situation like this, but how would it look for you to stand your ground and assert your definition of normalcy without getting sucked into his style of confrontation? What value might it be to your children to see: a) that adults often misuse their authority and act like children and b) how to productively confront that kind of behavior when it happens.

When you figure out how to stand your ground in the face of his barking, the dynamic will change. Unless he’s (still willing to be) a violent man, there’s not much to back up a threat of “do what I say or else.” His only choice will be to withdraw from that front and try again some other way. Once you figure it out, though, you’ll become more and more immune to his behavior.

When no reply can heal thing’s you just accept it and find your peace. It’s very difficult to accept “failure” though.

It’s not worth it to confront them at all – because they are grown adults and unlikely to change.
My own way of handling this (and like you, I have my own family—including a 15 yr old daughter) at this stage is to not attempt to do anything except for protect my own kids.
When their grandparents (my parents) do something crappy or wrong, I’ll call them out on the spot (if I’m there) or remove the kids from the room to protect them.

At this age/stage our kids are now old enough to see things as they are..and need less protection than when they were toddlers and were apt to get unfairly yelled at by my parents…but if they ever said/did anything that would hurt my own kids – I’d say something right then and there.

As for me, I’ve long since gotten over the fact that my parents have their flaws…I’ve been living with the mantra that: “as imperfect and flawed as they may be, they are my only parents” for over 25 years now. I realize that at times they are (and have been) toxic – and I limit my time with them…but still, they’re not all bad, and so I make sure to tell them that I love them…because they’re family, y’know?

Now if/when they do something hurtful (like what you experienced with your dad at the family reunion events) I only ever look to my husband and he gives me the validation that, yes, my parent(s) are out-of-line, and no, it’s not OK and he’ll usually say something kind like: “Considering how your parents are I am frequently amazed at how well-balanced and functional you are..” (Which, I take as high praise. When he says I parent nothing like my parents did, I know he means it in the best possible way.)

If you have someone who is intimately familiar with the particulars of your family and also knows you and loves you and they can see your dad’s actions and validate your feelings (but without trying to fix it—‘cause sometimes it’s not fixable, y’know?)..that would be best.

It would help if your siblings, rather than trying to stir the pot, could just say: “Yeah, that isn’t right. Sorry that dad was that way…not sure what his problem is, but it wasn’t right what he did to you and your daughter. Hey, forget about him, we still love you.”

You’ll probably never resolve the situation with your father, but there’s no reason to let him get away with treating you or your children badly. I’d go with a combo of the good advice you’ve received here. Put him on notice that he is not to order your children to do anything, and that you will not tolerate him yelling at you as if you were a child. From then on, if he behaves badly with you or your children, calmly call him out on it and then walk away (taking the kids out of range, too, when necessary.)