When should you tell the truth? When should you say the expected answer?

Maybe I hang out with the wrong crowd, but no one I knows asks such questions.

They usually sidle up to things, such as “What do you think?” which gives me a lot of wiggle room.

It’s similiar to “Do these jeans make me look fat?” I have never heard anyone pose that question.

I think it’s possible to be truthful without being cruel or cold about it.

For example, using the example the OP gave, “do you like my new haircut?” If you don’t like it, it’s possible to compliment some aspect of it, as in “I like it. I also liked it when it was longer.” Or, another idea “It’s cute. It’s nice and short for the summer.”

I don’t usually ask people if they like my haircut, though. I figure my opinion is the main one, and I don’t expect brutal honesty anyway, if I did ask. I would not expect someone to ooh and ahh over my hair.

I wouldn’t ask “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

I think I’m in @gailcalled‘s crowd. I can’t remember the last time I felt pressure to lie to someone to save their feelings; there are usually ways to tell the truth without being rude.

Honesty’s the best policy, in almost every situation, like @glacial says.

I usually stick to honesty with friends and mates. Ok so you had a bad haircut… bout damn time… it’ll grow back no worries. Or hear is an opportunity to be brave and bold and wild… Might as well, btw you might want to reconsider your hairdresser.

Even if it is a coworker. Oh hey you got a haircut. It is so nice to get hair cuts. I always feel pampered and like it’s a treat. If the conversation continues I might add that I go through phases where I just go get my hair done every week or so. And if it continues I might add that their new do will take me time to adjust to. If they at some point come out and ask me if I like it I will say that I think I preferred it a previous style a bit more. Etc.

I actually can really struggle at lieing directly most of the time. Not because I can’t but because I find it unpleasant.

Though the less I do it the worse I become at it. I can evade or soften the blow like a champ though if I am unsure how I will be received and it matters to me for whatever reason.

In other words I disagree with giving nice pat answers because that is not how I want to be treated. I highly value honesty.

Her: “Does my bum look big in this?”
Me: “Course not darling, don’t be silly.”

Or…dat ass, yeah

Unless it’s a total stranger asking or a specifically sensitive topic for the person who is asking, you should tell the truth. If my best friend asks what I think of her new haircut, probably I’m going to tell her I like it cause I do. But if it truly looks horrific, she should know that too.

You do what you have to to keep harmony flowing. It’s a two way valve and the harmony side is just a couple clicks from the shit side. We don’t want shit. at least I don’t

The situations I was thinking about were both very sensitive situations.

#1. Friend with a sister who had very aggressive stage 4 cancer. She was on lots of medication that did nothing for the cancer and only kept her from having convulsions and having her airway blocked. Up until a week before she died, my friend kept babbling on about how her sister was going to recover any day now. Her sister was in obviously terrible shape and I felt stressed out having to pretend that there was any hope.

#2. Friend with developmentally delayed son. She is getting aggressive and angry with anyone who agrees with the doctors and the therapists who evaluated him. She says there is no noticeable difference between her son and other kids his age. But the difference is huge. He is almost 3 and has the vocabulary of a 15 month old. He never voluntarily talks. He only speaks if prompted several times and then will only say words like “dehh” “mehh” behh.” She frequently puts me on the spot and asks me if I think the doctors and therapists are wrong. I just splutter around and say “Oh I don’t know much about this. Kids are all over the map at this age.” But it’s NOT true. I just don’t want to get her wrath.

I hate situations like this and I wish I could squeeze out of them.

Tell the truth when it is someone you have a trusting, long term relationship with.

@keobooks I just read your answer immediately above mine, We posted at the same time. In both of the situations you describe are they actually asking you what you think? Or, are you just there while your friends talk about the situations?

I would steer clear of telling someone that their loved one is or is not going to recover from cancer, or that their kid is or is not developmentally disabled. I would give them words of comfort, i.e. “I know this is a very tough time for you.” “I think you should get another opinion (the one with the kid).” “It’s hard to say, I don’t know a lot about kids. What does the doctor say?” Leave it at that.

@JLeslie—Situation #1, the girl was in la-la land and wouldn’t ever ask what I thought.

Situation #2—YES. She has directly asked me if I thought the doctors were wrong and has also mentioned the people she isn’t speaking to anymore—or the people she yelled at who agreed with the doctors. She’s always been kind of an aggressive person anyway. This just makes things worse.

@jca – I can’t really say I don’t know a lot about kids because my kid is her son’s age. And when they play together, it sometimes highlights the differences. She also knows I’ve taken several dev psych classes to get my teaching degree and I know the milestones and warning signs. It’s HARD to say I don’t know.

@keobooks: Then I would just say “I’m not a professional, so I can’t say for sure.”

I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just answer the question honestly. Perhaps she wouldn’t accept it in that momen, but there is a chance that you could help her son by speaking the truth. If she can’t take an honest answer to a question she asked without being rude or “aggressive”, then why are you still her friend? You shouldn’t have to feign ignorance and voice approval for her own just to keep the peace.

@jca Situation #1 I would just do my best to support and comfort my friend however I could. If she isn’t asking you don’t have to agree or disagree. I might, depending on the situation ask question pertaining to when the sister does die, like of things are arranged if the sister will be responsible for the after death proceedings.

Situation #2 I would point out where the child’s behavior might be seen as different than most children and see how the mother explains it. I would avoid flat out agreeing with the doctors. Doctors and psych professionals tend to see the world from the perspectative of their training from their specialty, and it is not always correct. The situation at hand does sound like there is some clear cut symptoms the child is displaying, and the professionals probably do have some valid assessments and the mom is probably in denial to some extent, but she obviously needs some time to work through it. If you think the child is in immediate danger or delaying treatment might cause long term harm, then I would say be honest and forceful with what you think is the truth. If time lost is not an immediate hazard, I wouldn’t lie to her, I would tell her why a psychologist would say what they have said, what they are observing and that you would be happy to give her materials on the topic so she can research it more if she has not done that and is just dismissing the diagnosis out of hand. Also, her family might have these “problems” if there is a genetic component, and it might be normal in her realm of normal.

I think your question gets to the difference between a lie and a fib.

A lie is a deceit to hurt another person or unfairly benefit oneself. A fib is a harmless little untruth told for kindness, civility, or brevity.

The answer to “Do you like my new haircut?” can be “The stylist did beautiful work” or “I’ve seen that cut in a magazine and really admired it.” Nobody has to say “Ha! You look like Moe Howard!!!”

I meant to address @keobooks not @jca.

Generally honesty is always best. I do think you have to weigh up the potential for harm in telling the truth or lying.

So, if a friend asks my opinion of a dress she’s planning to wear to an important event, the truth matters. She wants to look her best. I’m sure she’d rather me say “I don’t like it” than be at a major event and other people are saying that behind her back.

If my friend has already had her hair cut and she wants my opinion, and I didn’t like it, I would probably hedge more. “It’s okay but I preferred it before”. She can’t glue her hair back on so there’s no benefit for me saying “It’s horrible! What did you do?” Even if I think that.

If it’s a serious question about a problem someone’s having or their perception of a situation, the truth is usually best. Even if the truth hurts.

If I’m flat out asked, I answer truthfully and kindly. In situation number 2, I would be honest when the friend asks. Not that I’d say “The doctors are right.”, necessarily. Just that I’d noticed the differences myself. In situation number 1, I wouldn’t volunteer my opinion…I’d just be there for her when the truth inevitably catches up to her.

Thanks for the answers. Someone asked why I was friends with this person. She’s not USUALLY an aggressive person, and I think she’s not taking the word from the therapists very well. She refused to have her son evaluated for almost a year after the doctor recommended it. She switched doctors twice when they also suggested that she get him evaluated. She finally agreed to get him evaluated and was convinced that the therapists would disagree with the doctors. When the two therapists both had the same evaluation, she was furious but still agreed to the services. She’s not adjusting well to this situation, but maybe after a while, she’ll be OK.

I basically have started telling her, “Hey, the services are covered by insurance so think of it as free preschool.” Then I tell her I wish my daughter could have access to free or cheap preschool (which is true. If I could wrangle some way to get the same services she’s getting I’d take advantage of it! My daughter isn’t special needs but the preschool type service is awesome.)

I think the problem is more about me than her. When I was a kid, my dad’s family would constantly weave this web of secrets over NOTHING important. It’s not like we had any traumatic family skeletons in the closet—but there was this constant “Don’t tell Grandma this” and then grandma would say “Don’t tell your dad I already know that” and I’d constantly wonder who knew what and what did people NOT tell me?

In a post about a year ago, I mentioned the traumatic “family dog” story—where my grandmother’s dog died and I had to pretend that I thought it was just sleeping even though it was OBVIOUS the dog was dead. Because my grandmother got it in her head that I’d be too upset about the dog—but the truth was that she’d be upset if I knew. So I had to do this weird pretending that I believed the dead dog was just sleeping. The truth was the dog was old, nasty and always tried to bite me or growled when I tried to pet it. . I never liked the dog and I wasn’t too torn up that it died. This is just one really extreme example of my family’s compulsive secret keeping.

So anyway—any situation where I feel like I have to “fib” or hide the truth, I get really skittish. It reminds me of my most stressful childhood memories. So this spring/summer has been rougher than usual because of these two situations.

@keobooks I know what you mean about family secrecy over all things large and small – I think this is exactly why I have turned out to value directness and honesty so much.

@keobooks: If the person causes you stress and her relationship with you is stressful, then maybe you should try to put some space between the two of you.

@keobooks If it causes you stress then just tell her what you think if she asks. Who knows, she might need to here it from you, a person she trusts. She is on her journey to acceptance and you might be part of it. Be prepared for her to be angry. If you are willing to take that risk then the next time tell the truth. Delicately. Even if she pushes you away at first, she might later return to you for your honesty. Or, she may not ask you anymore, because she doesn’t like your answer, and then you are off the hook.

To all those husbands/boyfriends out there:

When she asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”, the worst possible answer is, “No, all that fat makes you look fat.”

@SadieMartinPaul My husband has been known to say just that. He missed that lesson somehow.

@JLeslie Oh, my goodness! You’re a lovely lady, and you deserve the gentler approach.

@SadieMartinPaul He has done enough positive things to make it ok. I usually don’t ask if something makes me look fat, I more often just ask if what I am wearing looks ok, or give him a choice between two outfits if I am undecided.