How do you deal with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder ?
In this case: my brother. Everyone in my family has been be-stricken with some sort of mental illness, at least on my father’s side, and some on my Mother’s side. My luck-of-the-draw is Bipolar, and luckily, with the right meds, it can be somewhat (ha!) manageable. However, that’s profoundly not the case with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There’s really no acceptable treatment, because inherent to the illness, all the doctors are wrong, all the therapists aren’t smart enough, and all “shrinks” are charlatans.
When he enters the room, he sucks all the oxygen out of the air. He’s done shitty things to all of my family members and I have never heard him apologize. He takes a lot out on me, and it just has to stop. Seriously, he’s soul-less and it’s gotten to the tipping point. I have years worth of “evidence” to how cruel he is, but what’s the point.
I know, I know how harsh this sounds; after all he’s family. But, for the sake of self-preservation, I really feel like trying my hardest to be compassionate is just impairing me emotionally.
Finally, to further complicate it, neither of us are in a position to be moving out any time soon. So, here we are, stuck in this same house, sharing the same resources and basically all I do is work and stay in my room. Even sharing the most basic tidbits with him start him off on one of his grandiose diatribes.
So, if anyone has anything to help me address this suffering, I’d love to hear it?!
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11 Answers
Ooh, that’s a tough situation. My mother has a personality disorder (she’s Borderline), and it’s hard to treat – even if the patient is willing. For this and other reasons, eventually I had to cut her out of my life for the sake my own mental health. If your brother isn’t even trying to get help, you may have to do the same when you can.
For now, I’d probably try to keep things very neutral with him and try not to interact with him much at all. Maybe try to develop a life that doesn’t leave you much time to be at home. Rely on your own therapy to give you some coping strategies for those times when you must interact.
I really feel for you. My brother, although not officially diagnosed, I believe has this disorder. He will not seek counselling because he’s smarter then all of those shrinks and….insert profane insults here.
I do not live with him, thank goodness. But I remember what it was like growing up with him. Watching this disorder unfold into the glorious state it is in now. My family is also full of disorders… so I can relate to that as well.
My brother thinks he is smarter than everyone – he is has an average intelligence. He thinks he is always right, even when you prove him wrong – he is wrong so often I could write a book about it. He thinks he’s the best man anyone could have as a spouse or mate – he has cheated on every intimate relationship he’s been in. He is a compulsive liar – I don’t even think he knows what is the truth any more. He is an incredible charmer/con – he can charm anyone (even those who know he’s doing it). He likes to argue for the sake of arguing – he would argue with himself if he could. He can seem like he cares when he is only thinking of himself. He has an amazing sense of humour (the one good thing)... however, sometimes he doesn’t know when to shut it off and behave. He rarely apologizes. If he does, it is so incredibly fake and meaningless. He has used all of his family members in some form or another, yet he says we’ve never done anything for him (even though he has slept on all our couches at different points in his life). He spends money on things like marijuana when his kids need food. He is incredibly selfish (especially for a parent). He blames all of his problems and hardships on everyone else around him. I could go on but I’m sure you can recognise some of the behaviour.
My best advice is to never take the bait when he acts out. Never start or take part in controversial conversations with him (I refuse to have these conversations with my brother even as an adult now). Make sure you are clear with him in your boundaries. And, if need be, just walk away (even if it seems like you are letting him “win” in doing so). These are only pointers in how I dealt with my brother, and still do. They do work but require a lot of will power to keep up. As an adult, I only deal with him on occasion now (and it’s usually to see his kids). I do love him as he is my big brother but if he wasn’t family, and we just met on the street, I would have nothing to do with him.
Edit I found this site about dealing with a narcissist sibling. It has some really great advice. I’m glad I’ve been doing some of the things it lists!
He needs to take a long hard look at himself…no wait.
Sounds like he’d make an interesting member here, lots of feisty debate on all things trivial, a familiar ring.
I was about to offer the same advice as @augustlan. My mother also has a personality disorder and I also (after twenty four years of trying) had to remove her from my life.
Follow what Auggie said and take care of yourself.
EDIT
Ooh, I just read what @Plucky wrote. Also fabulous advice.
”but if he wasn’t family, and we just met on the street, I would have nothing to do with him.”
@Plucky: That is so very true, and sad. I felt the exact same way about my mother for years.
It is a permanently painful situation. They will not get better or change ever. Avoid him if you can. I am very sorry this has happened to you.
@marinelife – It is permanent, at least according to my doctor. I asked him once if those with this disorder ever have some sort of epiphany regarding their condition, and his succint answer was: no. @Plucky – sounds like your brother does suffer the same malady. To everyone who suggests cutting him out of my life. I could argue, “but he’s my brother”, “he’s family” but seriously, I’m past that point. My Dad is smart enough to give him a wide-berth, although when he speaks to either of my parents, it’s just so heartless. At least when he speaks to me, there’s some emotion. Sadly, that’s of no consolation.
I have no problem telling people like this what absolute assholes they are. I give them wide berth as much as possible, but if they get in my way, I show the impudent, selfish jerks my bad side. I don’t care if this is considered permanent by certain doctors. These people need to know how they are negatively affecting those around them, all the time, and from all quarters. If nothing else, I consider this anger management for the rest of us.
Many of these people rise to power positions and make all the people under them miserable, and they eventually hurt the companies they work for. I have had way too many of these types as bosses. I believe they need to be isolated or even banished from regular society—for the greater good. Maybe then we may find that NPD is not a permanent affliction. And then, maybe not. I really don’t care.
Narcissism is unfortunately not treatable. It affects about 10% of the population, slightly more men than women. Unlike, BDP, depression, anxiety, ADD, etc… narcissism does not respond to treatment simply because it can never—by definition—acknowledge itself. The narcissist cares only for benefitting himself or herself, and as such lives a subjectively perfect and fulfilled life (simply by virtue of just getting anything they want). Watch the movie American Psycho.
Most people in romantic relationships with narcissists—unlike being in relationships with those with depression, BPD, anxiety—will tell you to run like hell because there is absolutely nothing you can do.
Perhaps deep psychotherapy, such as hypnosis, might help. Look up articles.
You don’t! nothing you do or say will ever make them change or even listen to you they are so wrapped up in themselves nothing you do even matters to them ignore them or better still use reverse psychology on them if it’s a person you cannot ignore like a boss etc.
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