Is it rude if in-laws don't invite the spouse to family dinners?

Might I add, she doesn’t have much friends so when she’s by herself I invite her to come hang out with my bf and I. Also, she’s been with her boyfriend for 9 years and they plan to get married but she has said before her family is way more important than him. She’d rather hang with family than him. She said she only can see him no more than 3–4 days in a row or else she’ll get annoyed.

It’s very rude and unacceptable in my opinion. My spouse is welcome anywhere I’m welcome (socially.) I think it is up to your SO to step up and make it clear this will not continue.

If there were going to be a discussion about planning your burial or the estate or anything, I could understand ‘blood family’ only, but other than that it’s the height of rudeness. I’ve actually never seen anything like that in any families around here, it’s actually the opposite where friends are invited to big Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, basically an open house with neighbors.

May I ask what area they come from? The southern definition of class is how comfortable you make others feel, so to purposefully exclude someone seems to be in very poor taste.

Like I said it is kinda hurtful but I understand since I’m not “OFFICIALLY” family, but if we were married then I think it’d be unacceptable. Because of this, I sometimes try not to join them on activities because I feel I’m a burden.

@chelle21689 I would feel uncomfortable and unwelcome and frankly, I wouldn’t want to be part of a family like that to be treated poorly the rest of my life. It’s weird.

Seriously, where are they from?

I think the polite thing to do is when inviting someone over, they can bring their SO or spouse with them. I think it’s rude not to invite the spouse or SO. I agree with @KNOWITALL on this one – I would feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in that family.

We’re all from the same place and similar Asian culture. But I think because they are a smaller family it’s different than my big family. I honestly never seen this before either. They sometimes treat me like family such as buying me Christmas and Birthday gifts but when it comes to spending time together she wants to be left alone. But I like being with them and we get along very well unless she is secretly jealous of me because her brother siblings are her best friends and she doesn’t really have anyone else other than her “annoying” boyfriend/fiance

@chelle21689 Sorry, but that makes a HUGE difference.

Asian families in my area are very clannish and stick together like glue and even do all-Asian activities like bowling, church, soccer, etc…, and more than likely after you are married, you will be taken into the flock.

But we’re both Asian. lol

I mean, I know plenty of Asian families but they’ve never done this. It’s rare. I usually see it with small families. (American and Asian)

@chelle21689 Same version though? I have heard a lot of racial prejudice from my Vietnamese friends that actually shocked me. If it bothers you, you should ask your bf what’s up and that it hurts your feelings.

I plan on letting him know how I feel if it happens again (it will lol) but I’m not going to have him talk to his sister and force her to let me join. He knows I feel excluded sometimes and he just tries to make me feel better and say “Well, I’ll take you one day to this blah blah”. I know he feels excluded if my family doesn’t invite him personally although it is an automatic invite that if I’m going he’s going because they figure I’d tell him.

Thai, Lao, and Cambodian basically have the same culture/cuisine/religion with slightly different customs.

I find that extremely rude. We don’t have many family dinners (mostly just holidays), but boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses are all invited.

In the past few years, both my husband and I have been exiled from family events from a portion of his family (an aunt, mostly). We never hear about birthdays, cookouts, etc., and then they tell people we think we’re too good to visit them. I’ve stopped acting at this point. We bought our first house in September and only his mother and siblings have bothered to come see it. Yeah, we’re the ones that think we’re too good.

^ I mean caring, not acting.

I don’t think it sounds like an Asian thing. Most Asian families I know are open arms about multigenerational shindigs and “get” that their kids are going to get married and have their own families—and that they are part of the family. It sounds like a weird attempt to re-create the childhood nuclear family. And very unhealthy.

I find it odd.

A quick story: a few months ago my husband went to visit his parents and it turned out his brother was going to be visiting the same time. My husband had just moved back to FL (I was still in TN selling our house) and his parents live a few hours away in FL. His brother lives in NY and was going to be in FL for business. His sister lives near his parents, and that’s all the sibs. Anyway, I was talking to my husband and said, “it will be great, it will be just you five, no spouses, just your family.” He responded in a kind of harsh tone, “what are you talking about, you’re my family!” It was probably one of the nocest things he has said to me. But, I was serious that I thought it would be nice, since it had not happened in many many many years, to just have his nuclear family without dealing with the dynamic of spouses. The reason I tell the story is I think most people would want their spouse included. Even the one time in the last 20 years my husband was going to be with his sister, brother and parents without relatives by marriage there he wanted me there.

My Vietnamese and Korean friends all invited everybody to every party.

Wait @chelle21689 did you say your sister can only spend “She said she only can see him no more than 3–4 days in a row or else she’ll get annoyed….” with her boyfriend…but she plans to marry him for life? Did I miss something?

Dutchess III, not my sister…HIS sister lol. Yeah they have a very odd relationship. They’ve been together like 8–9 years and I know they talked about marriage although she seems annoyed by him all the time. She makes comments like “This is what happens when I spend 4 days with you in a row” or “When we get married we’ll sleep in separate houses or you can move down the street from me, my bro, and sister!” I thinks he was half joking lol.

Not my business how their relationship is. Haha, she sees him on the weekends.

But yeah, if this is unacceptable, how would you voice it to your spouse without offending him and get defensive about his family?

@JLeslie, that’s very sweet of your husband to consider you and say YOU ARE family. I could care less whether my sister’s spouses come as long as we are all together.

Yes, it is very rude

Yet another question that makes me so happy to be in the family I have. In our family we include everyone, including friends, live-ins, ex’s, and an empty chair and a cup for Elijah. (In honor of family members who can’t be there due to distance or death).

If someone comes unexpectedly, we all squeeze together and add another plate.

@chelle21689 Maybe you already told us this, but I don’t think you did…how does your bf feel about it? Does he think his family is being weird?

I haven’t really talked about it in fear of making him think I’m talking bad about his family and also he doesn’t really have control over if his mom or sister want me included or not. I was being immature once by being passive aggressive when they were out to dinner and he texted me “Omg it’s so good! You should try it!” and I texted back hurt “I can’t. I wasn’t invited…lol” and he said “I meant next time, silly. I’ll take you.”

@chelle21689 How often does it happen?

If I were you I would want to ask my bf what he thinks about it, without injecting my opinion, just to know. Whether you do that are not, what you can do is always invite everyone when you and your bf host parties.

I’m very surprised at the answers on here. I’ve been told that it’s not rude by a lot of people and it’s normal for a family to have some time together.

Happens once in a while. Maybe once a month or two.

No, make no mistake, it’s rude. The only people who would say it isn’t are those who want a license to be rude.

I’m playing devil’s advocate here…I have an idea why but I wanna hear your opinions. What about couples that want to be alone on a date and no one is allowed to come?

I’m not going to say it’s rude, although as I said I think it is odd. Different families have different things that are normal. It is not personal against you, it is their family’s schtick. Maybe eventually your bf will say he won’t go unless you are invited amd things will change. Or, maybe you will be grateful to be excluded once in a while. I really don’t see how it can continue once all the siblings are adults, married with children.

@JLeslie I second that, I’d be grateful to stay home in my jammies and let him deal with his mother and brothers…lol

@chelle21689 IMO, that’s comparing apples and oranges. Dates are specifically FOR a couple to be alone. Also, dates imply spending money, then you get into who pays what and who can afford what.

My dad used to visit here in Kansas maybe once a year. He always stayed with my sister in a town that was about 45 minutes away. He would be with them, and part of their family, for an entire 3 or 4 days. They’d make a “point” to come and see me and his grandkids, but they’d only stay maybe 30 minutes. That hurt. Even worse, once they told me they had to get back because they were going out to dinner with my sister and her husband that night. There was no mention of me being invited….so I invited myself. Was that rude of me or of them?

Are you two living together? Then I would think it is rude. If you are not living together, then I think it is fine.

Yes, it is extremely rude. If it were my family doing this, I would consider never speaking to these people ever again and excluding them from our life entirely. If it were my spouse’s family who were excluding me and she went along with it, it very well could be a deal breaker. I can think of nothing more insulting and no better way to show lack of spousal support.

When I have a “family dinner,” I have no idea who is going to show up! The kids bring their friends and their friend’s kids and their friend’s friends. Half the people in the house aren’t even related and it’s just wonderful.

I think you and BF would need to set some sort of boundary about this before you consider getting married. I would find it really rude and I would need my husband to back me up.
On the other hand, I often have told my husband to go and spend time with his family without me. The married spouse changes the dynamic of the relationship. Not good or bad, just different.
That’s a lot different than being purposely excluded though.

Judi, that’s why sometimes I exclude MYSELF because it doesn’t really hurt if I decide not to go that way I don’t really feel as hurt when I know I’m not invited.

@chelle21689 you said in your original post that your family includes long term SO’s, what if you just started dating someone?

@chelle21689 That still doesn’t make it right or okay (when you exclude yourself). And if your bf loves you, he will not allow his family to continue to hurt you. You deserve better than to be made to feel that way, honey.

crude, rude and socially unacceptable.

Yes, it’s incredibly rude. They’re basically saying that you are unwelcome.

My sisters in laws are the same way. There have been many times my sister has been excluded from her husbands family gatherings. It used to offend her, now she just doesn’t care. She just does her own thing.

I’m going to explain why I don’t think you should classify this as rude. Chalk it up to family customs and bullshit instead. The more you think of it as what his family should do, the more you will feel badly. You are going to do something eventually that they think is wrong, rude, uncouth, when you had no ill intent at all. It will upset you that they perceive you as uncaring, when you know you care about them. Trust me, it is bound to happen. They are not making you feel bad, you have decided to feel bad about it. Just put in the box of fucked up family weirdness and don’t let it bother you too much. I would talk to your bf about it though, because he may have no idea how much it does bother you, and he might quickly make it all better.

That’s a thought @JLeslie. When your BF leaves for a family dinner, you make happy plans for yourself! If he happens to be jealous because you’re going to go do Something Fun without him, Oh Well.

@Dutchess_III Good idea. Don’t get me wring, if they have dinner regularly, like every couple weeks or even once a month it would get on my nerves to be excluded constantly. What would matter is if there are a bunch of family annoying things. It would all start to add up, and especially if my SO agreed with his family all the time it would drive me crazy. My husband generally defends me, we are more similar to each other than he is to his family. But, he will stop me in my tracks if he thinks I am blowing something out of proportion and explain to me the perspective his family comes from. I usually appreciate it, because it isn’t so much he is defending them or picking sides, just understanding where people are coming from.

See, I don’t understand. Bring it on. Bring ‘em off the streets. I’m just thinking about what I would do if I was in that situation….which I don’t understand. My husband’s family, thank goodness, is the same way. Who ever you are, Welcome. My Mom would have been the same way, only we never got to really find out because she wasn’t around long enough to deal with adult children.

@Dutchess_III Us too. I asked @chelle21689 about her statement regarding all serious SO’s are usually invited in her family, because if you were coming to my house and wanted to bring a friend or a new person you were dating it would be fine. If my sister, neice, BIL, has someone they want to invite it’s all good. But, I also don’t get when people make a big deal about “meeting the family.” the only time I understand it is when a parent is a songle or divorced parent and wants to wait to introduce someone to their children.

Well, a parent, single or divorced, might feel like…there is someone new in their life (“stand in for Mom or Dad”) and they’ve thought about it and decided “Now is the time.” ? I would hope that isn’t something they’d do casually…..

I lost OP at 5 uncles, 2 siblings and a mother-in-law.

I lost my Mom (gone when I was 19) one dad (gone when I was 22) 1 sister (gone when I was 19) so….. that’s all the family I had. Gone.

@JLeslie I just say long term cuz usually when you start dating someone you don’t immediately bring them to family functions if you have just met or aren’t that serious yet…at least that’s what happened to me. But I mean you have to start somewhere. Like my brother dated this girl a couple months ago and has yet to bring her around and we always ask why hasn’t she been around us yet. I don’t think usually people bring partners they don’t intend to keep around family much lol

Random thought. My cousin, two sisters, and a friend of my sister’s all went to Miami. My cousin does this out of character thing because she is known for being cheap and decides to buy all of us our dinner taking the bill…except my sister’s friend. she hardly knew her though but I know she thought it was rude that everyone had their meal pay for but not her…What do you think??

Sorry to go sort of off topic

@chelle21689 She should have paid for the friend also in my opinion. The most a person can get away with is paying for one other person at the table. Again my opinion, I don’t know if there are actual etiquette rules. For instance if you came to dinner with my husband and I and also 4 more of our friends, I would feel comfortable picking up your check and not theirs depending on the situation, but I would feel very uncomfortable picking up the check for everyone but you, even if we just met that night, even if you were a man. I know it is old fashioned, but I have friends, including my husband, who often do not let a woman unaccompanied pay for her meal. Not an always rule, but a general rule. It doesn’t apply to work lunches or dinners, just social.

I actually thought of asking you, but didn’t, if maybe your boyfriend’s family is tight for money and they don’t invite you to dinner, because then they will have to pay for you.

Well I have talks with his sister and she has strongly implied how when she plans dinner it’s because she wants “just family” time. Like I said this happens once a month or two. I know that sometimes she pays for their meals. But this also goes on with a home cooked meal. Like on New Years his mom wanted her children to spend time with her and have a New Year’s Eve dinner with her and her husband. I wasn’t invited, until my bf asked last minute right before he left “do you want to go?” Wtf? So I’m not sure if I was allowed to go or because he saw I was left alone and felt bad and invited me. By then I made other plans to keep busy until my by met up with me later.

Anyways, they make me feel included by giving my gifts for birthday and Christmas. but when it comes to “family bonding time” I guess sometimes they don’t want me there and they want their alone time.

If I counted I would say it happened 3–4 times. I’m not sure if I just never notice last year because I was always busy on weekends. sometimes they have family outings when I work which I guess is better than having it when I am available with no invite.

My fiancee only gets invited for major holidays, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc… similarly, I get invited to his house during the time of those holidays. But I also see his family on more casual occasions, like informal events at bars, house parties, etc.. because his family is less traditional than mine.

He isn’t bothered by it at all?

Once or twice a month is a lot. How old is your boyfriend and his sister? Do they still live at home? I know you are in your 20’s. I ask because maybe they feel like these are the last years before everyone starts getting married off.

As far as being invited at the last minute, that realy irks me. I don’t usually feel genuinely invited then. Not if the people overlook inviting me in general. If one of my best girlfriends who always is asking me to come over or go out calls me at the last minute I don’t question it. Or, if my husband does last minute when he thought spouses aren’t coming to a work thing and then he finds out they are, I would not be bothered and go if I want to go. But, he always wants me to go everywhere pretty much, so I don’t question what happened.

Boyfriend 23, his sister 26, his oldest is 28. The middle child does that planning. Yes they all live together. His mom got married and moved out, his oldest sister moved back in when she split with her ex. Doesn’t look like they will be married with kids any time soon lol, if anything my bf the youngest is more likely.

@chelle21689 There has to be some cultural stuff in there and also the psycological effects of the kids still living at home on the family. It’s more like when your kids are schoolage and the family goes out to dinner if everyone still lives at home. I am not critizing them living at home, I am only talking about the dynamic.

Yeah, now she wants to go “house shopping” for stuff like decorations, plates, and stuff and for her siblings to go lol. my bf doesn’t wanna go or care for it. Eh, I’ll just have to get used to it and vent once a while lol.

When oldest sis got a new good job with the normal 9–5 schedule she said she wanted to pick up more hours at her other job. The other sister (same one I have been mentioning here) was upset and said “Don’t you wanna spend more time with your family?” lol

I don’t have any siblings. My fiancee only has one brother and he’s not big on social functions at all and we’re not what you would consider close.

But theoretically would you find it rude?

@Dutchess_III @sparrowfeed @JLeslie @KNOWITALL @Judi

So I went to dinner with her and she opened up about her family. She said ever since her mom moved with her new husband (1 hr away in the “country”) she misses them so much and is so bored all the time. Don’t get me wrong but shouldn’t you be happy with your husband? Their mom also makes events where the family spends the night or weekend there or she comes over to spend the night sometimes. I can go most times although I don’t want to spend the night I would rather have my own bed lol.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe family should be close but do you think they might have a problem with letting go of family members starting their own life? Lol.

In my opinion, as soon as you’re married to your spouse, you become a part of their family, and they a part of yours.

So, if we go with that theory, then NOT inviting a person’s spouse is like excluding your own family.

@hiraeth In the details she said they aren’t married.

so this time his mom did it and said I wasn’t allowed to come web he thought I was allowed to a dinner. Just her and the kids once again, no step dad ( her husband) cuz he’s not blood and all…..apparently that’s the way they think

I don’t think a relationship like that would last long (for me.)
If my SO knew it hurt my feelings and went anyway It would probably indicate an attitude that would be a deal breaker.

If the guy isn’t going to stick up for you now it either means a) He doesn’t view you as that important in his life (which is bad) or he will always be a slave to his family’s wishes over yours (which it also bad.)
It’s all bad.

I’m going to tell him it hurts but I don’t want to force his family to invite me if they don’t want me there. I don’t know how to tell him without sounding selfish like a bad guy for a mom wanting alone time with her kids. Honestly if we were married then I would definitely put my got down.

But yeah how do I make my feelings justified? Because a mom wanting alone time with her kids is more important than how I feel right? If so them whys it hurt so bad? I guess because I’ve felt like a part of their family until they always had family outings without me.

I honestly don’t know what I want him to do.

I think the point is you shouldn’t have to choose like this. When situations become a choice between family you grew up in or your spouse, it is a bad situation. That’s where your bf is right now; please mom or please you. I don’t think we can know for sure how he will be when you are married, although most men tend to want to make the person they are having sex with happy. Their mom will stick around no matter what. I guess ask him if he is going to go along with this forever.

Update for everyone…

I told him that it hurt each time they did that and it wasn’t the first time. I guess he didn’t notice but he seemed kind of offended as if I was saying his family was rude in a way. But anyways he told me “My mom never said you aren’t allowed to come. What’s wrong with her just wanting to talk to the kids?” I said “She still doesn’t want me there though. I can be allowed but she doesn’t want me there…is there an issue where you guys feel that you can’t bond when I’m there?” He replied “no”

And I just said I grew to see his family as a part of me because we get along great. so it hurt a lot that I felt excluded. It was kinda hard for him to understand because he wouldn’t have been hurt if he were me but it seems most men aren’t (ones I have talked to)

but he said he understands how I feel. He kept asking “so what should I do to fix this? I mean do you want me to stop going without you?”

I just told him the important thing was for him to understand how I felt and that if we were to become more serious as in living together, engaged, married then it’d be an issue and he said it would be an issue for him too. Don’t know if he was agreeing just to agree but he got the point. Especially when I said if we had children I would never make them feel I welcomed (his mom and sisters)

It’s never easy to talk about a sensitive subj like this. He was uncomfortable I guess maybe cuz it felt like choosing. But I feel better that he knows…and one day I’m going to start having to come along….

”... he seemed kind of offended as if I was saying his family was rude in a way. ” His family IS rude and not in some minor “way.”

“He kept asking “so what should I do to fix this? I mean do you want me to stop going without you?” A trap. He wants you to make the decision, so either way you go, you’re the bad guy.

Please, do not allow yourself to get “accidentally” pregnant with this man’s child.

@Dutchess_III Great insight. He is making her be the bad guy if she says she doesn’t want him to go anymore, instead of just standing up for her himself to his mother. Or, even standing up for himself.

Really? I took it as him not knowing what to do because he’s never been in his position.

It’s definitely possible. He may not even realize he is doing it. Like when somene in a realtionship starts fights all the time and eventually the other person breaks up. A lot of time the person starting fights wanted to break up, but didn’t have the guts. A lot of time they don’t even u derstand what they are doing.

Or, he may just be young and inexperienced in these matters. Hard to know. it depends what he is like in general I think. What the pattern is.

As I said before he’s never had a serious relationship before me. He had a couple girlfriends but it was nothing. Lasted no more than three months

I mean what else is he supposed to do? I told him not to tell his family how I feel because I know they would be upset with me.

@chelle21689 He should be upset.

So many times people can’t phrase things in a certain way that makes it sound like they are caring and concerned….when they aren’t really.

I asked this on another site and they believe there’s no issue with it

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=456784

What do you make of that

They didn’t seem to know how often it happens on the other forum.

For some reason, this reminds me of an old boyfriend of mine with a crazy mother who seemed to want to keep everything as it was in childhood. The worst thing she ever did—she bought a gift certificate for her son (boyfriend’s brother) to a fancy restaurant. This was nice because he was poor and couldn’t afford stuff like that. But she got a certificate that was only enough for him to have a single meal. She did not include his own wife! Her defense was “It’s not HER birthday.” Like WTF. He wasn’t going to go eat the meal by himself! Even if he were single, he’d probably want to take someone with him. This was just a way to snub the wife and make sure she knew she wasn’t really part of the family.

Almost without exception everyone on that other forum said it was “strange.” But reading their posts does cause me to lean in the “it’s no big deal” direction. I’d just let it go. As they pointed out, it’s not just you they’re excluding.

Understood.

@keobooks I know what you mean. His mom and sis are nice but a part of me feels they hold on on to it too