Requiring a clear point of view?

Recognizing the issue is a very good first step.
Second, accept that you have no control over the actions and emotions of other people.
Third, exercise control over yourself. Start by finding an outlet, such as a good long walk, a hot shower, or a relaxing bath, and get plenty of sleep.
Fourth, try art or music. I look at pictures on Flickr explore, and sometimes sing very loud to my favorite rock music (the Beach Boys) in private.

It sounds like you need to grieve, too. Obviously, your grief is different from any of her family’s or friends’ grief, and it’s clear that because of their recent general detachment you also feel a certain resentment for some of them. After all, you were there nearly every day, and they were quite clearly not.

Perhaps you can take some personal time this week, or request a reassignment to some other part of the facility, where you won’t be in contact with these people. At least that way you can be spared the resentment as you work through your own grief.

I’m sorry for your loss.

“I deeply struggled with her situation her humor and sparkle in her good moments in contrast to hopelessness and confusion and pain mixed with my helplessness”. To me this is where your opportunity is – by understanding your anger.

What you couldn’t do during her life, you can do in her passing. Share with the family her moments of humor and sparkle. That is what they want to remember, not the painful death of someone they loved.

You instinctively know that now is the time to focus on grieving, healing, and closure. This approach allows you to deal with knowing you did everything you could to make her end of life as comfortable as possible. Thank you for doing so. Peace, BosM

I work with many elderly in a non-residential health care setting. I only see them a couple times a year, but over the course of several years, we do get familiar with each other and I do witness their declining physical and mental health. Because I’m a tertiary care provider, I don’t always learn of their passing right away, but when I do, I still feel some grief.

Being there with residents during their last months has definitely got to be trying, and I could not do it. I have much respect for those of you that do. I can relate to your anger and disappointment with the family. However, you need to remember that most of us in our ‘civilized’ society are so shielded from illness and death that we don’t know how to handle it.

I see acquaintances on social sites asking for prayers for their 80+ parents or 90+ grandparents, and I am struck by the attachment. I don’t know what to say because I know that there are some 90+ people who can fight and recover, but I also know that the odds are against a full recovery, if they recover at all.

Put yourself in the family’s shoes – You meet these patients when they are already vulnerable. Consider that the family knew her for most or all of their lives. They knew her in her 20s, 30s and 40s, when she was strong and vibrant all the time – her humor and sparkle that you witnessed was in full-force. Then they saw her decline, and gradually become increasingly needy – this is a huge challenge for both the one in decline and for the family to have this role reversal. Their grieving started back then. Once the family puts the ailing person in a residence, it enables them to put the degree of decline in the back of their minds because they conjure up memories of the younger, stronger person and don’t witness the day-to-day struggle. Their visits are a reality slap-in-the-face and it is a conflicting emotion, because the grief is growing but the person is still alive so they feel it is inappropriate to process it. The grief they are demonstrating now is the grief they have been suppressing for several years.

What a tough job, I feel for you. Her family could have stayed more than 15 minutes even just watching her sleep, watching a sitcom or reading a book, so there’s no excuse for poor behavior BUT we have to try not to judge others since we’re not in their shoes.

You are more than likely grieving for this lady, and based on the quality of her life as you describe it, I’m sure she was ready and willing to go. So focus on the postives, she is no longer confused and God has given her a young beautiful healthy body, all her loved ones are gathered around her. :)

Peace, and thank you for caring about an old lady who’s family may not have, you’re the kind of person I hope we all get to care for us in that position.

Thank you so much. Now to prepare for my day.

Part of their grief is out of guilt. The feel guilty they didn’t visit more and so their somehow is even deeper. Maybe if you look at it that way you can have more compassion.

Caregiving is THE most stressful work, and very underpaid that a person can do. I have worked in assisted living and also cared for a 93 yr. old women as a home companion/personal asst. I noticed the same pattern. The family was hovering around for about the 1st month, dropping by frequently to see how things were going with us.

After the first month when they were satisfied that I was going above & beyond for their mother they all evaporated like a raindrop on hot pavement. lol
I had to chase them down to just keep up basic communication. I understand your frustration but, all you can do is deal with your OWN emotions and realize that it is not “personal”. If the family really cared for their mother they would show that by being frequent visitors and hands on in her end of life care needs.

Caring for the elderly is much like childcare and just as there are many parents that just wish to dump their kids on others so it is with caregiving. People are busy and caregiving is a burdensome and emotional job, still…actions DO speak louder than words.

I had migraine. But i made it through the day. I appreciate the ideas and support. I have been doing this a while and I haven’t felt like this in a while.

I was able to write a note to the family. I was not capable of speaking to them directly other then meet their immediate needs. It was a step.

Your points of view helped.

(Sorry the word “sorrow” turned to “somehow” up there in case someone was trying to figure out what I meant. )