How do I speak with her about her abusive relationship?

What you don’t have to do is take verbal abuse from this jerk. Tell him and her the next time he speaks to you like that, you are out of there.

As to her hearing you, all you can do is say, “I think boyfriend (insert name) is having problems that are affecting you in negative ways. You need to take care of yourself before you can ever help him. If you decide you want help call this number (National domestic abuse hotline) 888–743-5754. Then you have to let it go. It’s up to her at that point.‎

@marinelife I know you’re right. I’m just so afraid to go there with her – she seeks me out for assistance every time they’re drunk and out of control. But she’s my boss – how am I supposed to say “No” when she asks me to do something?

Keep in mind, she’s not just my boss – she’s the owner of the company. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this indecisive about what to do. Today I almost yanked her off that barstool and would have poured her into my car, but I didn’t.

I feel like I’m betraying my friend while obeying my boss, all at the same time.

Document everything and record it if you can. If he’s the boss this is also sexual harassment and that isn’t tolerated in the workplace. It also applies to your guy friend.

I’m sorry, @Adirondackwannabe , I guess I wasn’t clear enough. My boss is a female; her boyfriend is of no consequence to the company as he doesn’t work. My boss’ EX is the other owner of the company (no issues there).

There’s definitely no sexual harassment happening; it’s strictly verbal abuse from the boyfriend towards my boss and, I’m afraid, physically towards her when they’re alone.

The whole thing just makes me sick – she refuses to see it. Today, she just hung her head while he screamed at her two best friends as I stated above. Truly disgusting behavior, and it tells me that she’s afraid of him.

@laurenkem Were you at work when the boyfriend of your boss screamed at you or were you in a social setting?

@chyna Total social setting – but this is something that happens every single time I see this man. Keep in mind that this is a guy who, when he first wakes up in the morning, would probably blow drunk on a test (that’s how much he drinks). I also see him telling my boss (best friend) to “shut the fuck up” every 5 minutes and I’m so frustrated I wanna pull my hair out!

@laurenkem My bad. I see were you said her ex owns I/2 the company. No one deserves this kind of treatment anytime. Can you get her to try counseling? She seems to have esteem issues

@Adirondackwannabe She was overweight for a number of years and yes, her self esteem plummeted. Last November, she went to Mexico and had a “procedure” and has lost quite a bit (probably 50 lbs.) of weight. That’s when she summarily dumped the ex and took up with this moron. She’s always been beautiful, but all of a sudden, guys that would’ve never given her the time of day are surrounding her telling her how gorgeous she is (and the money doesn’t hurt either).

So sorry this is going on. The only thing you can do is not socialize with them because, really, who wants to socialize with an asshat?
You can only tell your best friend how you feel once. You can’t keep telling her what a jerk she is with because she will start disliking you even if she knows what you say is true.
Maybe by not hanging out with her when she is with him will give her the idea of how much you really dislike her boyfriend and she will start realizing what a jerk he is.

@chyna, I actually agree with your thought. I think I had already decided that, but wanted to put it out here to see if I’m off base about something.

And you’re right – if I dare tell her the truth, I’ll lose her for sure, because she’ll only defend him.

I’m just so sad – this is a train wreck waiting to happen.

It may come down to “tough love.”
I dropped a friend a few years ago who wouldn’t/couldn’t leave her ongoing verbally abusive and double cheating husband. There were other mitigating factors as well, but…I couldn’t deal with her codependency any longer. Don’t get sucked in too deeply, there is no-thing you can really do except protect yourself from all the drama.

@Coloma I know you’re right, but I still have to keep in mind that I need my job. Therefore, I think it might be time for me to just keep my head down and try to dodge the “crap”, so to speak.

Thanks for your answer!

I read your post and, what he said to you is sexual harassment, and it’s illegal. Also an outburst like this is threatening and illegal also. You are stupid if you don’t do something, like call police in the middle of something like this, or file charges. It’s very, very serious. I am not even talking about your best friend. I am talking about you. It’s very illegal and it’s very, very chargeable. Do something. It may well be one of the best things you ever did. been there done that.

Since your friend is abused so much she needs to hear someone prais her for something, for her to realize her worth.
Treat her with kindness instead of contempt.
Eventually she will feel the difference in treatment of respect vs abuse.
Also I would quit this job or even report abuse in the workplace.
Is there a Head Office to report to?
You have good reason to leave, even for her sake ( as an example).

I think you need to take her out for a coffee and to explain to her that you cannot be subjected to that sort of abuse in the workplace (or anywhere else!) from her boyfriend. As your employer, she has a duty of care of people who work for her and she’s letting you down. I think you have to use a bit of tough love here. I also think you should check into what your legal options are (restraining orders and the like) and let her know that if she doesn’t keep him away from the office, you will have to protect yourself.

I get this will be terribly difficult to do, but you need to put yourself first here. If she wants to stay with this man, that’s her choice, but you do not have to and should not put up with his abuse.

Where is the other partner? Can you get them involved?

In this case, your friendship comes second. That man sounds like really bad news. Be polite, but firm about it. I wouldn’t feel safe working there under those circumstances. What will it take for her to wake-up and tell him to leave you alone?