How do I fix a broken relationship?

Counseling?

Maybe a gesture of commitment on your part would be good. Have you asked her to marry you yet?

Well if I’m reading this right, you were broken up when you had this ‘hook up’ so that’s not cheating in my opinion. You weren’t together. If you really want this to work you need to get some help to find ways to improve the communication in your relationship.

@FutureMemory That’s one route that I haven’t found the keys for yet. That’s huge, she’s finishing her Master’s. Not sure if we’re ready for that.
Okay I’M not ready. I want to spend the rest of my life with her but yikes. We did live together, I moved out of her apartment, but did get a house. I suppose asking her to move in would be a start. She would save rent money for school….

@Bellatrix Thanks! I still feel so guilty about it?

I don’t think guilt will help. I don’t think you should ask her to move in until you are sure you’re ready for that commitment. Now is the time for honesty. I think some counselling would be very helpful.

If you broke up, she has no say over what you do afterwards. It’s only cheating if you were in a relationship with her, which you weren’t.

If she thinks otherwise, you really should ask yourself if you can really deal with such a jealous mate.

I don’t know you, her, or the circumstances, but from what little info is here, I think that it’s prudent to wonder if you’re so lovestruck that you are trying to find your way into a bad situation. If she can’t forgive you for “cheating” when you weren’t even a couple, I have to wonder what other imagined wrongdoings she might get mad at you for.

I agree, if you weren’t together, it wasn’t cheating. You should talk to her about why she is mad at you for hooking up with someone when you were apart. Maybe she still holds some kind of grudge from your cheating years ago.

I am curious… if the relationship after you reconciled the first time was so great, why did you break up a year ago? This seems like an important detail.

I’m in agreement with everyone who says that you getting laid after the break-up is not considered cheating. I also agree with those who say that your ex seems to have issues of her own that need to be worked out if she considers what you did to be “cheating”.

However, her issue might not be about whether you were loyal to her, but rather about your casual attitude about sex. You “hooked-up” with someone with whom you had no relationship or intentions. Your concept of having physical intimacy exclusive of emotional intimacy may make her deem you less trustworthy than if you appreciated that sex without love is hollow and a waste of time and energy.

1. Don’t make any Ross and Rachel jokes.
2. Give her time to decide whether she wants to be with you or not. Whether or not this is fair is kind of beside the point.
3. Respect her decision.

I think after this current relationship issue, to propose marriage would be inappropriate.

I also agree with all the people above who say if you were not in a relationship with this girl at the time, it was not cheating. What was there to cheat on? You were broken up. I don’t understand why the girl considers it cheating. You were broken up a year, and four months before the reunion, meaning 8 months after you broke up, you had sex with another person. What, you’re not supposed to ever have sex again? I don’t get it.

I think counseling might be the way to go right now. This would mean you’d both have to agree to spend the time and energy in counseling, meaning you’d have to both want to give the relationship another try.

The two of you need to decide if you want to be in a committed relationship. She may have forgiven you for “cheating the first time” but she hasn’t forgotten and sees your “hookup” as opening that old wound.

As many have said, you were not together at that time, so you need to have that honest discussion with her. There is an old expression “If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy”.

Seek relationship counseling, get to the root of the trust issues, and develop communication skills to be able to work through the “ups and downs” that every relationship experiences. Without trust and these skills you’ll continue to struggle. Good luck to you both. Peace, BosM

@BosM: To me, having sex with one person 8 months after a breakup does not qualify as acting in an untrustworthy manner.

She needs to realize that what you did when you were broken up is none of her business. She never should have asked.

You are to be commended, however, for answering honestly, @lemmy.

She won’t forgive you for sleeping with someone else while you were broken up for a year? That makes absolutely no sense. My guess is that she just never truly forgave you after you actually cheated on her. My initial response is that some things are better left broken. If her trust in you has not been rebuilt in several years, then perhaps it never will.

If you’re both willing, do counseling. It just sounds like more trouble than it might be worth. But hey, what do I know? I have the most drama-free relationship of anyone I know. And it’s a good thing, because I don’t do that on-again-off-again shit. If it’s over, it’s over. Have a nice life.

As for the suggestion to propose – PLEASE don’t. Marriage does not solve relationship problems. You need to work those out before making that leap. Divorce can be mighty expensive.

Pay to send her and girlfriends to the Las Vegas Thunder from Down Under show for a no holds barred weekend of sex temptation in sin city. No restraints or questions by you. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

You’re even now.
“The blokes are all about audience participation, selecting lucky ladies from any corner of the showroom. And this group of guys will act out all your favorite fantasies”

Chiming in with everybody else, that is not “cheating” while you’re broken up.
If she insists it is, then that is some kind of no-win test for you, she’s insane and not likely to get better.
Commitments count when they are real. She made up whatever commitment to her she is pretending you had while broken up. She has feelings maybe, sure, and is maybe jealous that you found affection elsewhere. But a mature person in her shoes will realize you have done nothing at all wrong. You can sympathise but don’t let yourself get conned into agreeing that you violated any trust or obligation.

Why are you “feeling guilty”? ... I would understand feeling anxious maybe, when dealing with a crazy person. But unless you’re still unresolved about that first indiscretion you should be comfortable.

What @dabbler said!

@jca you missed my point. My “trustworthy” quote had nothing to do with what he did while on a breakup. Rather, it was a general statement, aimed at getting their relationship back on the right path, although I should have started a new sentence there so I see why that would be confusing.

They need to open up, have honest communication, and develop trust over time. Like it or not, while she may have forgiven him from his first year cheating, she clearly has not forgotten and is making an irrational connection of two different events. Peace

Sometimes broken relationships can’t be fixed.
While it’s true your “hookup” while broken up may not really count as cheating, however….it does speak volumes in that you seem to have a tendency to run from one encounter to the next. Breaking up does not mean instant sniffing out a new partner, sexually or otherwise.

When a relationship fails I believe that each party needs to take some serious space and alone time to reflect on the whys and do some soul searching. Rebounding is not healthy.
I agree that counseling may be of help, but..sometimes a relationship just runs its course and cannot be revisited. You may be sorry but you are also a high risk kinda guy and you can’t blame your girl friend for wanting to avoid an encore performance of this sort of thing.
Once bitten twice shy ya know, and rightfully so.

We broke because of distance. I moved away to work for four months, and wasn’t sure if I was coming back. I ended up coming back.
The person I had sex with during the break up, wasn’t a rebound in my eyes. I didn’t exactly grab the next person I saw and said “HEY I’M SINGLE, wanna come over?!”. No. That’s not how it happened.

If anything, I’‘m just looking for a better way to explain my position. Looking for a way to give her an understanding, even if she chooses not to be with me. I just want her to get an idea of where I’m coming from, instead of thinking I’m the scum of the earth.

It may be too late.

If you’re broken up with the “ex” then there would have been nothing wrong at all with ‘grab the next person I saw and said “HEY I’M SINGLE, wanna come over?!” ’

If that’s not what happened anyway and you were more careful than that about the ‘hookup’ then you are even less ‘guilty’ of anything wrong.

Bottom line, let yourself off the hook, whether or not she does.

@Lemmy – she asked you a question, you gave her an honest answer, and she needs to respect that. Your truthfulness shows you have integrity and believe in being honest and open and how important that is in a mature relationship. Don’t be apologetic.

You haven’t said if the same question was asked of her but it would seem to me you both should have discussed as to whether or not it should have even mattered. If this was some sort of test for you then maybe she has her own issues to deal with. At least you both know this now and can try to work it through. It takes time, continue to be trustworthy and honest. Good luck.

In my opinion, and according to my calculations, the OP @lemmy went 8 months between the breakup and the hookup with the sex partner. To me (maybe I’m wrong, again, just my opinion) 8 months does not equal “rebound.”

Duct tape

and baling wire.

I agree with the majority point of view: you did nothing wrong, therefore there’s nothing for her to ‘forgive’ you for. Did she expect you to stay celibate forever? If not, just how long after breaking up is it acceptable, in her mind, to have sex with someone else? I understand that she may feel hurt, but that’s just not rational. Perhaps she’ll realize that on her own, but it doesn’t seem likely after four weeks. The only thing I can think of to do is to write her, and reiterate that this happened 8 months after you broke up, when you thought you’d never be together again.

I have seen people use stuff like this to wield control in a relationship. It really sucks.

Well guys. It’s been one week and she hasn’t responded to any of my texts/calls. I get that I haven’t done anything wrong, and understand that now.
I won’t give up, she’s worth it.

@lemmy: Thank you for the update and please consider continuing to update us on the situation, should anything new come about. Best of luck to you with whichever direction things go.

JCA
The Update Lady

She called! I hadn’t texted her for a few days and she caved. She called me on Wednesday and we are going to meet not this coming Friday, but next Friday. She sounded bitter and angry on the phone but said she loved me. I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her if she was going to speak to me like that, we haven’t spoke since that Wednesday and probably won’t til the Friday…. we’ll see! Stay tuned.