Should a father make an attempt to contact his adult child?

I like your plan, with one major addition. The very first thing he should do is tell his wife about this child, and the feelings he’s having about getting into contact with her.

FWIW, I had to hunt down my birth father against his wishes in order to meet him. I was 18 when I did it, and though he was reluctant to meet me at first, we developed a close relationship because of it. Not a father-daughter relationship, but a good one nonetheless. He got to know me and to see his first grandchild before he passed away.

I don’t trust this guy.

Based on what you’ve said, he has essentially lied to two women here. He failed to keep a promise to one to “stay in touch” and “be available”. (I understand how circumstances change, and how his changed – what consideration did he give to the possibility that the mother’s situation may have also changed?)

And he’s been married for 30 years without mentioning even once, “Oh, hey, I meant to tell you, but…”?

As @augustlan has astutely pointed out, he has to get straight with his current family first and get their opinions on the topic. This contact, if it happens, will change the entire family dynamic. They get to have a say on that too, now.

I know someone who had a deadbeat father in her life. He tried to contact her after she was 18.

This woman had a step father in her life who she felt was her father and he raised her with all of the morals and values she holds today since he had taken over the sperm donors position and she basically told the sperm donor that that’s all he was good for.

Anyone who cares about a child I’m sorry but not even hell can stop that person from being there for their child. And I’m sorry but it’s pretty pathetic how nonchalantly this guy was willing to just walk away and not fight for his daughter, but at the time if he wasn’t ready for it it could of been simply prevented instead of possibly putting a child through all the unnecessary emotions.

Then again like he has not uttered a word, maybe the mother hasn’t told the child about this guy at all…which still would not be fair.

At what point is he going to stop being selfish?

“Oh I’m sorry I was never really involved in your life because your presence in mine was an inconvenience to me getting what I want so I put you in a box and pretended like you didn’t exist. – but now I’m getting older and my conscience is getting to me that I completely ignored you so I want to disrupt the life you have made so far so I can feel better about myself.”

What right does he have to disrupt another family because of his guilt, especially when he can’t even be honest with his own? That ship left. If they wanted a relationship with him, they’d have been looking for him, if she’s in her 30s now it’s likely that he’s persona non grata and he needs to accept that for what it is.

He needs to tell his wife right away about his child.

Then he needs to contact the mother and have her let the daughter know he is available for contact.

It should be the daughter’s decision whether she wants him in her life.

I bet he never paid a dime in child support. I’m sure the mother struggled for years and he was happily living his life. I really think he has no business disrupting this girl’s life.
If he does go on with his plan to contact the girl, as others above have said, he needs to tell his current wife. I say “current” because after she has found out he has lived a lie all these years, she may kick his lying butt out.
Then contact the mother and see what she thinks about him dropping in the daughters life.

Yes. My sister’s oldest son is now looking for his birth father who he hasn’t seen since he was 1 year old.

YES he should. The now grown child has probably thought about him everyday too, and wondered. People need to know. He must contact the kid.

He should tell his wife.

Then he should speak to the birth mother about whether or not his daughter has any desire to meet him.

I think he should then leave it up to the daughter to follow up if she wants to.

Might be nice if he tried to pay the birth mother some child support too. After years of having the sole financial and emotional responsibility for her daugther, it would be the decent thing to do.

I agree with @Bellatrix.

I have raised a child without the biological father for his entire life (with two meetings of a couple hours each). The meetings were actually helpful, as they helped my son put a face to the name and realize that he wasn’t missing out on some amazing guy. It might be painful for the mother to be contacted by this guy, but it will be a far less disruption for the mother than for the daughter to get a call from him out of the blue.

And even though the daughter is in her 30s, I think it would be a decent gesture to give the mom some back child support. I can’t even tell you all how difficult it has been to raise a kid on my own with no financial support.

Personally, if it were me, I would leave it alone on the assumption that mother and daughter have spent 30 years without him, and for their sake, I would let them have whatever life they have developed without him complicating it.

I am sure this is part of what people call a “mid life” crisis. He is getting older, and wants to reconnect with his youth, whether it is to get a vicarious re enactment, or a futile attempt to undo past mistakes. It is a purely selfish gesture in my opinion.

But if he simply must get involved in the lives of people who are by now total strangers to him he should
-Tell his wife about the plan
-Call the mother, and ask her blessing. If she agrees, leave his email address, and wait for the daughter to get back. If she does, make plans. If she doesn’t, buy a Harley.

It is very likely there is a new father. Sorry, buddy. That’s just what happens. Happened when my biological father left and I’ve been calling my stepdad ‘dad’ since I was about 5. His loss.

@trailsillustrated You’d be surprised.. I’ve rarely thought about my biological father. There really isn’t much to think about. All it gave me was a jaded view on men.

All my fellow commenters above have done a wonderful job.

My perspective on this comes from my late husband. His birth father was actually married to his mother but they separated when knew she was pregnant and finalized the divorce after he was born. He did see birth dad a little when he was very young, there are photos. His mother remarried and his stepfather adopted him.

My husband Bryan was told crappy stories about his birth father by his mother, but strangely, his grandmother, who never liked the man, took a late liking to him because he really hated Bryan’s step/adoptive father. Bryan was told that birthdad stopped buying child support to buy a stereo. The man remarried and had 3 more kids.

Bryan was left with a lingering feeling of resentment, of rejection, and a lot of other things it’s hard to articulate. He said more than once “That guy owes me $18,000.” (legally, he did not as his parental rights were terminated) and he seemed bitter about it. He did truly love his step/adoptive father though.

I thought of trying to contact the birth father when my husband died, but I didn’t. All I could do is hurt the man.

I would say that this schmuck needs to tell the truth to all, reach out to the mom of the child he abandoned, and figure out what he can do to make things right. He shouldn’t be looking for love or forgiveness or understanding. He should be offering his ‘mea culpa’ and humbly trying to make amends. It may be that he never has a place in his child’s life and that’s just his tough luck, isn’t it?