A person apologizes for saying mean, hurtful things, but still believes they are true.

It can be. They shouldn’t have said something hurtful, no matter what they believe, and they’re sorry they did.

I agree that it can be.

Suppose somebody is really overweight. Obese. No question about it, no ambiguity. Then suppose somebody else says, “I can’t believe how fat you are. It’s really gross.” An apology is due for making a rude, insensitive personal remark, but you certainly couldn’t expect the speaker to stop believing that the person is heavy.

I think it depends on their intent. Did they say the hurtful things to enhance the receiver’s awareness of something they believe to be true, or did they say the things to hurt the person? If the intention was to raise awareness, while the outcome may have been hurt for the receiver, the intention was not primarily to hurt. So the apology, while standing by their words, could be sincere. If the intent was to hurt, then I would say the apology was not sincere.

@YARNLADY , my experience is that the spouse calls later to “smooth things over.” They didn’t even bother to apologize. Ugg. I hate family drama. Sorry someone is being mean and hateful. I feel you today sister!

This reminds me of an old joke. A boy calls his sister stupid and the mother asks him to apologize to her. He says to his sister, “I am sorry you are stupid.”

It is not what you say, but the way you say it. Apologizing can help, but there will always be the feeling that the original statement gave vent to what the other person really thinks.

As someone on the receiving end of both the mean and hurtful and the so-called apology, an emphatic No. When mean and hurtful thoughts are vocalized the truth of feelings cannot be apologized away with lies about how they didn’t mean what they said or that they didn’t mean to say it.

Context !!

Your question has a few blank spaces in it. Maybe the comment was meant to be helpful and constructive, but was made in a strongly honest way to get the point across . And perhaps the receiver of this information is much more sensitive than the average person.

“Dad, sometimes you drink too much, behave like an absolute idiot, and embarrass the hell out of me”.

Later I apologize to Dad for calling his behavior idiotic and am sorry if my ‘embarrass the hell out of me’ statement may have hurt him.

Was what I said still true ? Yes.
Was my apology still sincere ? Yes.

Apologies are crap.

They are made for the benefit of the person who felt insulted – usually to get the speaker off the hook.

Apologizing is not brainwashing – saying “Im sorry” doesn’t mean that the person actually changed their mind or their opinion—only that they got caught and have to in some way bail themselves out.

Apologies in and of themselves are just words, but they carry behavioral implications. If I apologize for saying something nasty, the implication is that I will not say such a thing again. If I repeatedly say nasty things to someone followed by an apology, the person at some point is going to say that my apology is worthless, which would indeed be the case.

Sounds like my mom.. minus the apology.

I remember being a kid and being forced to apologize to someone. I remember having to say sorry over and over and over, because my mom said I didn’t say it like I meant it. Each time I was forced to say it, I felt and sounded less sorry, so it was a vicious cycle.

I think you can’t control what people think. You can control whether or not you want to accept the apology. And your acceptance can be just as phony as the apology if you want. Just accept it to keep the peace and stew in your own juices of rage on your own time.

To paraphrase movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn’s famous bon mot that “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on,” I say that a verbal apology isn’t worth the air it traverses unless, over time, the one apologizing proves he/she meant it.

I’d say be happy with the apology.
Beyond that, there really isn’t any such thing as “brain washing”, “re education” or “sensitivity training”. All those things do is exquisitely refine the skill of pretending.

“Truth Hurts” . . . plain and simple.

Sometimes what appears to be hurtful and insensitive is the truth. I let go of a friend a few years ago and told her that I had come to realize she was sneaky, manipulative and a frequent liar. Of course she was defensive and couldn’t hear me, let alone own her crappy behavior. Time to let go.

IF there is, even a grain of truth to the insults, then, as hard as it is, we should all be able to take a harsh truth to heart. I would accept the apology IF there was truth in what was said, if not, I would remain confident in my self and most likely distance from the hurtful party.

Yes. It’s similiar to dealing with idiot customers in retail or food service: Sometimes you just have to say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” You’re not admitting you’re wrong, it’s a nice way of telling them to deal with it lol.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology of any kind, any more than “I’m sorry you’ve lost your dog” is an apology. It’s an expression of regret and perhaps sympathy (and maybe sincere, maybe not), but there’s no sense of owning an error or having done any wrong. That’s what an apology is.

The situation was a funeral, when everyone was already upset, one person told another person what she really felt, and later apologized from ruining the day. I wasn’t there, and only heard second party.

Well there’s a time and place and I don’t think a funeral is often going to be the right place to be candid about how you ‘really felt/feel’ if those feelings are negative. Thanks for explaining @YARNLADY.

Well, if I heard myself at a funeral saying “She was a bitch and I’m glad she’s gone. I’m not going to pretend she was wonderful just because she’s dead,” I would feel that I ought to apologize for inappropriately voicing that thought. My regret for laying it on others might be entirely sincere. Yet my feeling might well remain unchanged.

One has a right to one’s private opinion, but it isn’t always necessary to tell others what it is, especially if speaking it will only cause harm or distress and not do anyone any good.

Oddly, I did know someone who went to a memorial service with an attitude like that (and why didn’t she stay home? peer pressure). Sometime during the reception, I found her in tears. I remarked that I hadn’t thought she was so attached to the deceased. She said, “I wasn’t. But after listening to all the things people said about her, I’ve just realized that because of my negative attitude I missed out on knowing someone that I’d have liked to have as a friend.” It was one of the most human moments I ever saw this person show.

Yes. I say mean things all the time when I get upset but I still apologize afterwards because it was rude. I still think those things I said when I was upset were true, but I don’t tell them that, I tell them I only said it because I was angry at the time. Sometimes I do mean the apology though, but only sometimes.