How can change occur in this family?

Not unless he’s prepared to take control of his own life. No woman is going to want to play second fiddle to his parents for the foreseeable future. No matter how caring they are.

When I’ve known people like this, people who behave like martyrs and give up their life for family members, I always figure they’re getting something out of their sacrifice. Perhaps it’s the feeling of value they get from being ‘needed’. By the sound of it, it’s within his power to have his own life, but he’s choosing to allow his parents to dominate his life. At 35, I don’t hold out much hope for change. This situation is working for him. Not sure how but if it wasn’t, he would change things.

@Bellatrix has put it succinctly. He is the only one that can change this, but it is possible to change it if he is strong enough to set boundaries. It is possible to get a caregiver, he can get a new phone number and not get called, most importantly he needs his own separate place to live.

Does he even have a job?

It is doable but it will not be easy because he has found a rut and fully furnished it.

Of course it can change without warning, and in all kinds of ways (mostly catastrophic), but the only way it can change for this young man is when he decides that it’s time to change and that the change is up to him. For some reason that hasn’t happened yet, possibly because of an upbringing (and brainwashing, to be blunt about it) that conditioned him to expect that this is the way life should be, the way that it must be.

I wish him luck, and a girlfriend who will kick him in the pants and demand that he make changes.

Nothing to be done. They raised him to take care of themselves and that’s what they are using him for.

Any girlfriend will be taking a back seat to his parents.

He is unlikely to change. Her situation is unlikely to get better.

Ask this young man what would his parents do if he were to die in an accident. It is important for him to establish contingencies for this potentiality. When he has done this, it will be easier for him to feel ok about breaking the dependency they have upon him. However, he may require professional psychological assistance to help him alter this relationship with his parents.

I think all three of them need professional psychological assistance. His parents, to deal with their anxieties, and him to deal with breaking that dependency. Without this kind of care I don’t think anything can possibly change until the parents either die or go into a nursing home.

Change occurs when it has to. The advantage of “rock bottom” is with no where to turn but up the decision is easily made. If his rock bottom is filled with reward and satisfaction even marterdom why would he change. I hope he has a problem that he recognizes and can do something about it. “you’ve got a problem that’s good”

I can’t help but wonder if he’s enabling their behavior.
Do they / he have the money to hire a caretaker?
If not, can they ask for help from the SRS?
Is he even exploring any other options?
I agree with @downtide. All three need some sort of counseling.

This doesn’t seem right. At 35 you should be taking care of your own family, not your parents.

He’s got to leave on his own—and he has to control his own boundaries. This family dynamic wouldn’t work if he didn’t play into it.

@sparrowfeed there are some situations where that might be called for, if a parent is truly incapacitated and alone, for example, but this one just sound like there is a lot of psychological manipulating going on—On both sides. If I was his new girlfriend I’d think long and hard about getting in a relationship with him.

This young man is a carring and compassionate person looking after his ill parents.
He needs all the support in doing so by himself.
If Anxiety and Cancer are in his family genes, perhaps he one day could very well be in there shoes one day and will require someone dedicated as he to care for him rather than admolish him for it?
Does this young man have siblings to assist when he is away?
Does this young man want to be legal guardian for either or both parents?
As legal guardian he has supports to assist him to receive supportive counsellors etc
It looks like to me that the mother who is anxious to begin with is sufferring from the fear that
she will have to take charge should her husband deteriorate in front of her, so it is quite understandible that she is disturbed about being left alone with her husband.
I suggest that the youngman obtain a replacement, either a sibling, caregiver or whatever to be at the house when he has things for himself to do.
He can set a schedule for say one night per week or so with the parents explaining that he needs to recharge his batteries in order to be as giving as they are used to.
He is stressed as well and I am sure that he is worried with the weight of the world on his back.
He can always be in contact via cellphone in emergencies etc
In this case don’t give the number to the parents but rather the replacement caregiver, who will call him should a real emergency happen.
He can gradually take more time for himself as the conditions warrent.

@Inspired_2write He is not a young man. He is 35 years old but has never moved out of his parents house. He should have moved out on his own about 15 years ago.

The question is if he has the courage to break his own behavior structure or not, and apparently he does not. It isn’t a matter of sufficient resources to help him, it’s a matter of his willingness to change.

@Inspired_2write There you go again, believing that calm cool logic will work. It won’t in this situation because they’re being completely illogical and selfish in the first place.

@zenvelo
35 years of age is still young. He can decide for himself when he is ready and not before.
He is in a difficult passage in his life concerning his problems and his parents.
Who are we to judge him?
Do you feel what he feels? Did you even ask him how HE feels about it?
Support him in HIS decisions not fight him.

@Dutchess_III
“There you go again..”?
What is the matter with you?
Are you judging MY comments?
You seem to follow my threads and take the combative road.
I am merely giving my supportive answer to a question asked on fluther.
If you don’t like it then stop commenting on my answers.
And IF the questioner is assisted by my answer then good!
If not she will look elsewhere and decide on her own what is relevant as that is her perogative.

Believe me…I’m not following your threads!
I used to feel like you….that everything could be dealt with logically. If you explained something clearly and calmly to someone, then everyone would see the obvious, see the light, and everything would be OK.
I was in my 20’s and my husband and I were in a custody battle for his 2 year old daughter. I told the attorney, “Can’t we just sit down and explain this stuff to them?”
He said, “Val, you think that everything can be cured logically, but it can’t. Not with people like that.”
I was sad to hear that, and sadder yet to see him proved right, time and again.

For example, you said, “He can set a schedule for say one night per week or so with the parents explaining that he needs to recharge his batteries in order to be as giving as they are used to.” The mother has a severe anxiety disorder. I doubt she’s capable of processing it the way it’s mean to be processed. . She WON’T say “Oh, honey. You are so right. I so understand. This has been so trying and difficult for you, so sure. Take whatever time you need.”
All she’ll hear is “I need time away from you.” She’ll probably freak out.

The son needs some counseling too, because he’s allowing it to happen, for whatever reason.

@Inspired_2write I posit that a man who has not moved out of his parent’s house by the age of 22 or so has a significant psychological handicap in that he has not grown up and broke from the parental bonds. Such a person has missed the opportunity to thrive as a self realized person.

@zenvelo
Not missed just delayed.
No further comment on MY comments. I gave what I feel was MY opinion, and I stand behind it.
Lorna Love can decide for herself.

I can’t help but wonder how they raised him.

@Inspired_2write thinking about that time in my life when we were battling for custody (which we won, btw…) And example of their thinking went like this. Diane hadn’t see the baby for over 18 months, but she showed back up, just shy of the 2 years that would have allowed me to file for adoption based on abandonment. She had been given visitation rights which we followed faithfully for the next year. We had rescheduled one visit however.
About six months after rescheduling that one visit in it the past year we were all in a meeting with her and her bf and husband and our lawyers…I don’t remember why. Trying to modify the visits or something. Anyway, she took the high, bossy road and and started laying down the law of how it was going to be from now on. I’ll never forger her saying “And you won’t be cancelling any more visits because you two are getting married and you want Jen there!” It was like…what?
Then they said that when Jen was at Diane’s father’s house, they’d point to pictures of Diane and say “Who is that?” and they said that Jen said, “My sister.” They accused us of showing pictures of Diane to Jen and telling her it was her sister!
I said, “I don’t think we even have any pictures of you at the house. But Robin and I have been talking to her about having a little brother or sister for her someday, so maybe that’s where that came from.”
Didn’t matter what we said. They just kept screaming their nonsense. It was absolute insanity. My first face to face confrontation with it.

This sort of situation is described as co-dependency. The demands being made on the son are unreasonable, but the son has accepted them for so long it will be difficult to change. The best option would be for the son to set boundaries and conditions with his parents so he can lead an independent existence. He can still help his parents and continue as a loving son but he would no longer be at their constant beck and call. This is a difficult option but would be the best in my view.

I agree. If he can set boundaries. I have a feeling there’d be a huge guilt trip laid on him by his parents. He’s probably tried it in the past….just guessing.

If he has asked for help, and only IF – I would suggest hiring a day nurse or full time caregiver.