Handling myself on my own as a young woman?

I have a niece that has this problem. The only thing that really works for her is not worrying if she comes off like a bitch. She will politely rebuff the first time but after that she gets just as rude as they are back in their face. I think she could probably kick anyone’s ass and by the time she’s done with them they believe it too.

I guess I just don’t want to be the one going around having to tell people off every time I just want to go out in peace :(

I guess every thing has its burdens. Being the invisible wall flower isn’t fun either.
The real issue is THEIR bad behavior. I don’t know how we as a society can get men to treat women respectfully.

If your demeanor and obvious lack of interest is not deterrent enough, up the ante by carrying Mace, pepper spray, a gadget that makes noise when pressed, and several curt remarks. You should not have to announce that you have a boyfriend, for example, to discourage someone, you do not have to be perceived as nice, and you can simply walk away if someone calls you names.

Practice saying, “Please leave me alone or I will call for help.” Looking away is a passive reaction and not grown-up.

If there is a man behind the counter, approach him and ask for assistance, immediately.

Or, since you seem to be a magnet for a lot of rude and aggressive guys, wear a fright wig and Groucho glasses in public.

Change your username to @averagelookingbabe92.

I think you should come up with a standard reply, so you can always be ready and use it every time these things occur. Only a suggestion….

In a pleasant voice and with the littlest hint of a smile, say: “I’m sure you are a great guy, but thanks. I got it”.

If he persists, eliminate the little smile, look him in the eye, and say the same words in a less polite way (maybe clench your teeth a little).

Any guy with half a brain will know to back off.

Now we only have to figure out how you deal with the totally brainless ones…

P.S. I don’t mean to be critical, but it sounds like you were WAY too passive and polite when this jerk grabbed your phone. If you loudly said “HEY, MAN….don’t touch my stuff !.. I don’t know you !!” and then looked at the UPS counter guy, I think he probably would have stepped in…

Yeah I know I probably didn’t react the best by just trying to ignore him and look away:/ I didn’t know what to do, I was scared. I should have been more forceful in my response.

The idea of standard reply is a good one, I just wish there was a way to deal with the guys that don’t get it. Cuz with the UPS store guy, he had originally asked (while he was still in his car) if I needed help carrying my stuff and my answer actually was “No thank you, I got it”. He just kept talking at me and I just chose to ignore him. I just hate that he followed me.

I just really wish people would leave me alone and I could do stuff and actually feel safe on my own and wouldn’t even have to deal with this type of stuff in the first place T_T It’s hard cuz while I’m on the internet I’m slightly more outgoing, but real life I’m really on the quiet side. But I suppose you guys are right, I shouldn’t care if I get called names. Some guys just tend to get aggressive so I don’t like angering people.

cutiepi, don’t worry about angering people and yes, you should not care about being called names sometimes. That is just a tool, or weapon that they’ll use to deflect their “a-hole” behavior and try to somehow hang their shortcomings on you (good for their ego….not so nice for your day).

If they consider you a ‘bitch’ for ignoring stupid, juvenile behavior, by all means please keep “being a bitch”.

I for one will admire you from a thousand miles away with my hands in my pockets and my mouth shut….

I used to have this problem while working in a convenience store as a front line clerk.
I finally asked one guy who repeatidly came on to me, “Do you go around to store clerks cornering them so that you can ask them out?”
I told the man that I do not date nor give out my number to anyone that I meet like that.
I prefer to socialize and meet respectible guys at sociable events etc
Other times I would tell them BEFORE they get a chance to come on with“I am NOT ready to date anyone yet, so leave me alone”.
Simply saying“Leave me alone” was sufficient in the end.
By the way I talked with the other clerks in other stores and they received the same treatment , that of being harrassed for there phone numbers etc
In severve cases where a customer was violent and drunk, I pressed the security button on them.
In your case they are getting too close in your space!
Just say“Hey, back off”, even walk away from them quickly.
Other than that have a dog with you.

I know this wouldn’t help in the situations you describe because those situations don’t necessarily warrant violent behavior, but it helps me to feel that I could defend myself if I needed to.

I took a women’s self defense class called RAD, stands for rape aggression defense. It was an awesome experience. After taking one class you get a certification that allows you to take any future RAD classes for free for the rest of your life.

I would carry weapon sprays if it weren’t for the laws in my state that make it very difficult to do so. Instead I carry what’s called a tactical flashlight. It’s literally just a flashlight that is really, really bright. I carry it at night and if I feel threatened I can shine it in someone’s eyes to blind them for a good minute or so while I make my escape. It’s great because if the situation is ambiguous and you don’t want to use violence, you can still shine a flashlight in their eyes with no consequence. Obviously only very useful at night, but I guess that’s when you’re most likely to need it too.

When I am travelling abroad alone and don’t want to be hit on I wear a ring on the appropriate finger. But it sounds like here you need to practice asserting boundaries.

I flirt naturally. Sometimes people think that means I’m interested. I often will say Aw, I’d love to but my Husband probably wouldn’t appreciate that!

I’m 7 months pregnant. I just had a.guy ask me to get a drink with him. It was a little uncomfortable because i think I’m pretty obviously pregnant. I rubbed my belly and told him i couldn’t. The more you encounter, the easier and now natural our will be to turn down those you aren’t interested in.

PS- nothing wrong with coming of like a Bitch to someone who doesn’t want to hear no.

Unfortunately, some guys have more front than a department store. Men like that don’t get the message unless you are blunt. I’m not suggesting you are rude, I think that could actually be counterproductive with the wrong person. You do need to be firm. Tell them you aren’t interested. Tell them you have a boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to but if it works, do it. Don’t engage. If you are nice and polite, some men will see that as they’re in with a chance.

And people generally won’t want to get involved. Look at what happened with Nigella Lawson recently. Or how many stories have we seen in the news where people have been attacked and people stand by watching and don’t help. Sadly, that’s reality. So be firm and if that doesn’t help and someone really won’t let up, directly tell them you consider them to be harassing you and you will start asking for help if they don’t leave you alone. Again, not rudely just very firmly.

Thanks you guys for all of the advice!! Sorry for coming off like a wimp :/

Gavin de Becker is a security expert and he has observed that too often women are afraid to be thought of as not nice or called a bitch. That’s the result of societal conditioning and women need to get over it when being accosted by pushy people.

Another fact he states bluntly is “The word NO is a complete sentence.” If someone is continuing in spite of it they are trying to manipulate you.

So far you’ve been fortunate that you’ve just encountered the average run-of-the-mill clueless louts.

Why do I say fortunate? Because you’re unassertive demeanor is PRECISELY what attracts predators like a magnet (rapists, muggers, murderers).

You need to start making yourself less attractive to the truly dangerous ones out there. Taking the type of self-defense course described above would benefit you enormously.

De Becker has also written an excellent book which teaches people (not just women) to recognize when a dicey situation could swiftly escalate to outright dangerous and some suggestions on what to do.

It’s called “The Gift of Fear” and is very practical and well thought out. Lots of good observations.

Right now you’re a sitting duck. You need to learn how to be a fighting hawk. And you don’t need to apologize to us for coming off as a wimp. You need to apologize to yourself and determine to learn how to do better. And it’s entirely possible to learn and to learn relatively quickly. Go find a someplace or someone to learn from.

You can start here:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+gift+of+fear&sprefix=The+gift+%2Cstripbooks%2C314