Do you guys think that I was unfair to my son regarding this long ago situation?

Shame on your mom both for buying a weapon for him without at least informing you. I would have expected permission to be asked in advance of the purchase. And double shame on her for not offering to pay for the window to boot.

I think you handled it well. Chris learned an important lesson in personal responsibility.

Life isn’t fair. Fair is a weather condition. Just ask the guy who did absolutely NOTHING wrong, and yet has to go through the hassle of repairing his car.

Yeah, that’s messed up what your mother did. But it sounds like Chris knew he shouldn’t have had it, if he was hiding it from you. Did he ask his grandmother to buy the slingshot for him, or did she do it of her own volition? In either case, I don’t think you were unfair to him.

You guys…my mother was….a ditz. She had emotional issues. She always has. She had no idea what she had done. She was incapable of making the connections. Yeah, shame on my mom but I could NOT pin in on her to her face.

Oh, yeah @bookish1! He knew! In fact, I brought that very thing up to him. “Chris…you hid it because you knew I wouldn’t want you to have it. You needed to think further than that. You needed to ask yourself why I wouldn’t want you to have it.”
Yes, he asked her for it. Apparently he’d seen it long ago, knew I wouldn’t buy it, so waited for his chance with my mom. He kind of took advantage of her too, but she didn’t have to let him.

I probably would’ve been harsher (but there’s a reason that I don’t have kids).

I think it doesn’t matter either way if he had to pay for it or not with the bike money. Sounds like your kid had a conscience, and that’s what is most important right? That he felt badly and learned from it. He already had the consequence Of knowing his mother would dissapprove of the slingshot and then it winding up that mom was right. I would probably would have tried to make sure he learned that things can go wrong amd people can get hurt. That would be the consequence I would worry most he learned, not that it might cost him money. But, having to pay for it is reasonable also. As I a kid I would feel terrible whether I had to pay or not.

Here are the smartest through least smart people in this story, in my opinion:

You.
Chris.
Chad’s dad.
Your mother.

Pretty nice of Chad’s dad to offer that his son accept all responsibility, but he clearly missed that this is an opportunity for Chris to learn about culpable negligence.

As for your (“But they weren’t, so it’s OK”) mother:

She needs to be told that her attitude is no different than if she got drunk, drove 100 MPH with her eyes closed, but managed to arrive home without killing anyone.

By her logic, nobody was hurt or killed, so it will be perfectly alright to keep doing that….and perfectly alright to continue secretly buying lethal weapons for your son….

Sounds fair to me.

@OneBadApple, Actually, no. Chad’s dad fully expected I should pay half…..he just thought it wasn’t fair that Chris had to actually pay for it. He thought I should.

Mom is gone now, but she was utterly illogical most of the time. She just had a very, very hard time accepting the consequences of her actions because it made her feel guilty because she did a lot of crappy stuff. So…she just avoided it and twisted things around to blame other people. She probably would have started out, “You shouldn’t have let him take it outside!”
“But Mom, I didn’t even know he had it.”
“Well, you should have known he had it! What kind of a mother are you?”
The final line would have been “Well, what your kids do isn’t my problem.”
That’s how that would have gone.

BTW…thanks for the assesment list but Chris is now 25 and…..I think he might be number one on that list now. :) One smart cookie. Always has been. I only take credit for keeping his happy ass alive to make it to 25! :)

I think that you followed a good parenting pattern, teaching your child the impact of a poor decision. So I agree that you were fair.

My follow ups would be: how long until Chris was able to get a bike? and what does he think of your decision now?

I think what you did probably helped to teach your son to take responsibility for his actions. He could have just as easily been the one to fire that shot, it just so happened to be his mate at that particular time and they were probably egging each other on. I don’t think you were mean, I think you taught him a valuable lesson.

Thanks for the feedback. I’ve always felt kind of guilty. Parenting is so hard.

I think he finally got a bike about a year later. I think my Dad got him a bike for his birthday. Which is what he was riding when he got hit by a car when he was 13. Sigh. I still have the bent and twisted front wheel.

Here’s the discusison on fb. I posted a very short version:

“And then there was the time Christopher shot out a car window from a half a block away, with a slingshot. He wasn’t being malicious. He was just “target shooting.” He just had no idea of the power of the stupid thing, which his gramma had bought for him in the Sporting Goods department at WalMart. He told her he wanted it but he couldn’t buy it himself because you had to be 18 to buy it and he was only 11. He brought it home and HID from me until he had a chance to “try it out.” It worked. But not after that, boy.”

I immediately got 5 likes, so I posted:“I see YOU people like this. I did not!”

Chris: ” What do you mean “you people”. I was the one that couldn’t get my bike. And then when I did get it I got run over by a car.”

Me: ” LOLL!!! Tis all true! You had to give up all the money you’d saved for a new bike. That hurt my heart, by the way. Yes, then when you finally got your bike you got run over by a car. I still have the twisted, bent back wheel you know. THAT hurt my heart too. But at least you got ice cream out of that deal.”

Chris: “Ya ice cream helps the healing process”

Me: “And you got aloooottttaaa ice cream!”

Then I said: “Oh, I’m suppose to ask you, Christopher, if you think I did the right thing then.”

You know what would be GREAT irony, Dutchess ? If the car that hit young Chris was the very same car which had its window broken by the slingshot.

A real long shot, I realize, but…....did you check ??

(I’m just askin’)

LOLL!! No, didn’t think to check! Plus I wouldn’t remember who it was. I felt soooo sorry for the lady who hit him…she was a gramma!

I think you guys are being a little harsh on grandma. Considering that she grew up in a different time, and “weapons” were often viewed by that generation as just toys – especially for an 11 yo. It’s fairly recent that people have started questioning kids having bb guns – or even real guns – slingshots, bow and arrows, shooting stars, etc. When my hubby was the age of your son he had all of those – and more, lol.

@GoldieAV16 I do think that was part of it. She was the child of dirt poor immigrants, 9 kids. The kids were on their own. So that WAS part of it, but the biggest part is she just didn’t think. There was a reason a person had to be 18 to buy it. Chris may not have understood it, but Mom certainly should have. It. Was. Not. A. Toy. We’re just lucky the rock hit a car window, and not a child. It could have killed them. Would you be saying the same thing, Goldie, if a child had died?

Fortunately, that didn’t happen.

But I’m also not in favor of totally sterilizing childhood, which seems to be the current movement. Ideally, if a child is given a weapon or tool that has the potential to hurt him or herself, they will be properly trained and supervised. This didn’t happen.

@Dutchess_III I think you were harsh and wisely so. Don’t fret.That was a very important lesson.

Sounds to me like you handled it as well as anyone could. I don’t think you were unfair to Chris, and even if you were he needed to learn that life is not always fair. When I was his age at the time and did something like that, I wouldn’t have sat down for a week.

OK. I KNOW I’m gonna get slammed for this. But, I think your taking his bike money away to cover the debt you agreed to split with Chad’s dad was unnecessarily harsh.
Now before you all pile on with cleats, yes, I did raise a son of my own. It sounds like you were doing just fine raising him, you said he was “shocked” at the damage it caused, that shows you instilled a conscious and a value system in him. And how many 11-year-olds have the discipline to make and save up what – about $100.00?
I think you realize that you overreacted, otherwise why would you still think about this? You were mad at Chris for going behind your back, you were really mad at your mom for conspiring with Chris and not telling you, you were (rightly) horrified at what could have happened and you were embarrassed (admit it) that the whole mess was brought to your attention by another parent, i.e. the boys pulled one over on you.
Take the sling shot away, nintendo & x-box, or computer or whatever privileges & ground him for a week. Then accept that as parents sometimes we have to pay for our kids mistakes, but if we raise them right, we’ll only have to do it once or twice.

If there was a reliable technique for parenting, we would all know it after myriad generations of humanity.
If you are not beating, torturing, withholding love from, ignoring or belittling children, you are probably doing all that you can be expected to do.
You are slicing it too thin in this case.
Worry about something else.

My son is now 22, and I would have handled it pretty much the same way you did. He and his friends got into some shenanigans, and he always dealt directly with the consequences. Heck, I might’ve made him vacuum the glass from the car whose window he broke and sweep the street, too.

I was always a tough-love parent, and my son started working odd jobs around the neighborhood, so $100 is something he could make back in a fairly short amount of time. Now he’s got his own car that he financed without a consigned, and a very good credit score.

Sleep easy, Dutchess… it’s because of how you raised him that you can now say how smart he is.

I understand that the right to bear arms is a constitutional right. But there needs to be a basic safety screening. Waltzing into a store on a whim to buy a weapon just isn’t a good idea.

Or maybe just stop selling them to people who shop at Walmart. Ha.

Hey….slingshots don’t kill people…..people kill people…

And to actually answer the question, no. I don’t think it’s harsh. But I’m in the “punishment should fit the crime” camp.

If the window was broken on accident, I would have offered to pay for half.

If the window was broken because they were careless, I’d give them the option of paying for it with their bike money or by doing chores to pay the car owner back themselves.

But, in this case, I feel the main thing isn’t about the window. But, rather, it’s about purposefully hiding something that they knew to be dangerous.

I’d have made him wear a shirt saying “I bought a hunting grade slingshot and hid it from my parents. I could have seriously hurt someone with my poor judgement.” And I’d have him wear it while handing out fliers about safety in front of Walmart.

A fitting punishment and it might also stop some other nutjob grandma thinking about buying her grandkid a slingshot.

Yeah. I really would.

@fluthernutter I don’t think the main focus is hiding the slingshot from mom. I do think that should be addressed, but the for me the main thing is the child needs to learn things can go wrong. At eleven he is old enough to begin thinking about consequences. The most impirtant consequence is not that he might have to pay for a window. The most important consequence is someone could be hurt. To begin believing things do go wrong. In my opinion a lot of people lack this skill. I especially know it in volume on July 4th when I see people, even adults, setting off fire crackers in the streets near cars. Or, last year where I live when there was a ban on fireworks because it was so so dry, no rain in weeks, and people still set them off in neighborhoods. People, adults, not just young kids. That’s where my focus would be. Kids think parents just want to control them or kill their bliss. They don’t get parents are just trying to protect them and have a longer view of consequences.

@JLeslie I agree. Though I would hope that wearing that tee shirt wouldn’t just be about embarrassing them. But also about people talking to them about accidents that have happened to them in similar situations. Real life interaction is much more valuable than theoretical lecturing.

But, he is eleven. I don’t see any need to embarrass him. He is learning these things and made a mistake because he is young, and yes part of it is because he was disobedient to his mother. But, he had another adult, his grandmother allowing it. So, really, the most important thing is he learns how to think for himself. Along with that is learning to trust mommy knows best and grandma doesn’t.

@JLeslie I’m not putting him in a shirt that says I didn’t listen to my mother.

The shirt would be for both the benefit of my kid and for anyone else who might be thinking of buying a slingshot for their kid. One, I want people to interact with him about his actions. Two, I want people to pause and consider the consequence of their actions. It’s a two-part deal.

If I wanted to embarass him, I’d put him in a shirt that says I heart One Direction! Or something to that effect.

@fluthernutter You wrote, I’d have made him wear a shirt saying “I bought a hunting grade slingshot and hid it from my parents. I could have seriously hurt someone with my poor judgement.” That basically is saying I didn’t listen to my mother, isn’t it?

We just disagree about the public humiliation part. I’m actually ok with that sort of thing in some situations, I just don’t like it for this one. It seems too harsh. I think it is pretty typical for an 11 year old boy to think a sling shot is cool and not think about how someone could get very hurt. He broke a window, now he knows things can go wrong. If he repeats the action or something very similar I would begin to worry. I had very little punishment growing up, so maybe that is why I lean that way. I was a good child overall growing up, I didn’t need harsh punishments to learn lessons regarding things like this. I guess maybe some kids need that.

@JLeslie If it were a regular ol’ slingshot or running with scissors, I’d agree with you. After whatever damage they’ve caused, they should understand that things can go wrong.

But we’re talking about a hunting grade slingshot. Something designed to take down a living thing. There needs to be a clear and definitive line between make-believe toys and real weapons.

I understand it’s a step further, but I don’t think it would be taken lightly if the boys were playing with a gun they found in the house.

No harm, no foul. Lesson learned. should only be afforded when the possible consequences are not that serious.

@fluthernutter I disgree. All sorts of damage can happen from little things. A girl died in FL when her friend who was a little older and much bigger than her were engaging in horseplay. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he wound up killing her accidently. People have died from being pushed and landing on the ground badly. Little sling shots made from rubber bands and sticks can blind a person in one eye. It’s all bad and all needs to be taken seriously in my opinion.

If my eleven year old broke the window I would not be angry and want to embarrass him, I would want to ensure he learned the lesson and probably want to release him from feeling very badly about it. I would hope he felt badly about dissappointing me and knowing he did something wrong and irresponsible, and that would be enough for me, and then I would not want him to dwell on it too long knowing he knows better for next time. But, that’s me.

@fluthernutter I don’t think Walmart would let you make your son hand out those fliers on their property. If for no other reason than to avoid being held liable for selling the slingshot to a minor, even if there was a straw buyer involved. There are too many people willing to stick it to Walmart, even when it was not their fault for them to be comfortable with giving the appearance of them being responsible.

@JLeslie Okay, pushing and playing with guns are equally bad. In which case, we’ll just have to agree to disagree because I’m not entirely sure how to respond to that.

@WestRiverrat Bummer.

@fluthernutter I am not saying they are equal, I am saying they both can have bad consequences. Again, I emphasize, this is an 11 year old we are talking about, not a 16 year old. They don’t have the cognition to really understand how big a difference there is. If they are playing with a gun, or slingshot, or pushing each other, or taking dad’s car for a ride, in general they don’t think anything bad can happen. That’s part of the problem with the youthful mind. The heavy duty slingshot is just a bigger cooler slingshot than the little one they can make on their own. I don’t think young kids are thinking, and with the bigger one more bad things can happen.

@JLeslie Perhaps then, that is where we diverge. I think an eleven-year-old is capable of understanding a lot more than you think. And therefore, should be held accountable for more as well.

Well, science says otherwise. The frontal lobe of the brain is still sorely lacking connections even at the teen years. I would venture to guess boys even less than girls, but that part Idon’t know to be a fact. It would explain why boys car insurance is more expensive, but both boys and girls under 25 are bigger risks to insure than older adults. It also explains how teens get regnant and all sorts of things teens and younger children do that seem predictable and unwise to the adult mind. Even without the science, just having been a child I know I didn’t understand the gravity of some things when I was still in elementary school.

I just got back, guys. My daughter had surgery on Monday. She has 5 month old twins, so I’ve been pulling triple duty, caring for the twins, caring for her, and cooking and cleaning like I haven’t had to do in many years. It used to be so EASY!!!!

@ReindeerMoon1 I’m going to respond to sections of your one post: “Take the sling shot away, nintendo & x-box, or computer or whatever privileges & ground him for a week. Then accept that as parents sometimes we have to pay for our kids mistakes, but if we raise them right, we’ll only have to do it once or twice.”
Something I didn’t put in here which, I guess in appropriate in response to Raindeer Moons post was was….well, some Jellies know that there were several very, very tough years in my life financially. Very tough. At the time that happened, I did NOT have $80 to spare. My son didn’t have Nintendo or Xbox or any of that frivolous stuff. We didn’t have cable, we didn’t have internet. We bought all of our clothes at the second hand store, and they weren’t brand names. (Found out years later that the kids got some grief for that. They were clean, nice clothes, but they weren’t “brand” names. That hurt my heart.)

Also, @ReindeerMoon1 you said, ”I think you realize that you overreacted, otherwise why would you still think about this?” You should get to know your patient before you start psychoanalyzing them. I feel guilty and my heart hurt but not because I over reacted. It hurt because I really didn’t have any other choice, no other options at that point. If I’d HAD the money to cover him, would I have done anything differently? I don’t know. Just not having money made me feel so bad for my kids so many times….what I did do was start racking my brain about how to get him a new bike ASAP…but I was at a loss. The following year, though, my dad was going to by Chris’ older sister a bike, but I convinced him to get a bike for Chris instead so….anyway. It was postponed but he finally got his bike. He was so proud.

Also, part of your post read “you were embarrassed (admit it) that the whole mess was brought to your attention by another parent, i.e. the boys pulled one over on you.” Well, nope. Don’t have to admit that one because it was the son of the parent who brought my son to me who actually shot the window out! It was HIS son who pulled the trigger on that one (it’s in the details.)
He brought him home more than once! One time all covered in blood because Chris had wrecked on a snowboard and opened a gash on his head! There was no embarrassment in regard’s to the kid’s father.

@fluthernutter I think he felt badly enough, embarrassed enough, remorseful enough without rubbing it in by making him wear a humiliating T-shirt. I feel that the only thing that would have accomplished would have been to make him angry, and being angry can take over being remorseful and can turn very ugly.

I think they were aiming for the car window…but they had no idea that they could break it.

Also…another side as to why I didn’t bring my mom to task, besides the fact that she would NOT have accepted any blame, and would have only created stress between us, is that In 1981, when I was 21 and my younger sister was 16, my mom left us and moved back to Seattle to her family. She was divorcing my father. She expected us to move there too, but we didn’t. She came back to Kansas in 1995, when she suddenly realized she had a family here too, who were making other families and she was missing out. This happened about a year later. I had just gotten my mom back and…well. That is all.

BTW, my son is 25 now and one of the most cautious thinking men I’ve ever known. And smart too. (Did I mention smart?:)

Edit…I was 19, not 21 when Mom left.