Do I have to invite her to my wedding?

Welcome to fluther.
It’s your day and it should be as stress free as possible. If you don’t want her there, don’t invite her.
However, if your mom is paying for your wedding and wants her there, you may have an issue there.

What chyna said. If she is invited I think your mom should talk to her that of she wants to be there to be respectful and not make it stressful.

If it’s important to your mom, then I would invite her. You will be so busy on your wedding day that you won’t even have to notice that she’s there. It’s your day, but you also don’t want to do something that will hurt your mom. Just know that you are doing something nice for your mom and think about that instead of whether she really deserves to be invited or not.

It is your wedding and you can have who you like.

Ask yourself this question. Will it be worth it to deal with the repercussions for the rest of your life? Things like this can blow up and get ugly for a long time.
I always thought if someone wants to avoid all the drama that comes with a big wedding than either do a tiny chapel wedding, or Justice of the peace wedding, followed by dining out at some restaurant with only immediate family and some close friends and do it on a Wednesday. People rarely want to take 2 or 3 days off for a wedding. That is why most weddings are done on a weekend. Friday to travel, Saturday is the wedding and Sunday is the return trip or at least recovering from the event on Saturday.

Of course not. You don’t have to invite anyone. So she’s important to your mom – well, it’s not your mom’s day and it’s not her call. One thing I learned quickly when planning my wedding is to stop worrying so much about everyone else. It’s your day.

How big is the wedding going to be? My inclination is invite her. Especially if all the other aunts and uncles will be invited. Unless you basically never want to talk to her again and it is worth upsetting or fighting with your mother. I think the decision has more to do with your overall relationship with your aunt than specifically whether she likes your fiance. I wouldn’t care if I didn’t like my neice’s fiance, I would want to be at her wedding because she is family and I love her. I would hope and want her to be happy with him. If they were just doing a small wedding where only the nuclear family and maybe a best friend was invited and no other relatives were invited then that would be a different story, I would be understanding of their choice.

I agree with those above who pointed out if your mom is paying you have to show some respect for that fact. It’s a lesson in why financial independence is so important in life. It might be perceived that your mom is not inviting her sister.

It is your day, invite who you want there.

Especially if you are going to have the rest of the family there, rise above your irritation with her. As long as she isn’t going to disrupt the day (if you seriously think she will, don’t invite her), you really will be too busy having a lovely day to be worried about one aunt. Not inviting her will have long term effects and may hurt your mum. Is that really worth it for the satisfaction of not inviting your aunt? This goes double if your mum is helping to pay for the wedding. Be the bigger person here and don’t let a bit of resentment potentially put a damper on your day.

I would invite her. If you don’t the family problems will be with you for the rest of your days. I would also invite a bouncer who’s sole duties are to watch her and if she causes trouble escort her from the wedding and not allow her to return. That way you extended the olive branch to her and it’s her choice to behave or not.
And my apology for my crappy manners. Welcome to fluther.

Invite her to a private dinner and if she treats you BOTH pleasantly you’ll have the answer. Negativity is not cool.

I say invite her and show her that dispite her disproval that you are going to have a great and wonderfull life!
When this Aunt see’s that she is in the minority in her feelings about your husband while those around her are happy for the both of you, she MAY have a change of heart.
If not, its her problem not yours.

Talk to your Mom about how important it is to her for her to be there and express your feelings about it. Maybe you can come up with a way – table behind the band? – to minimize here impact on you while maintaining family peace. Or – to look at it another way – which solution will cause you more pain in the long run?

Invite her but tell your mom that she makes sure that your aunt does not speak to your fiance on that day.Though I think she would understand how important that day is to you and will be polite.

I’m a bit surprised at how many people say you should invite her. Now, I don’t think what she did was super horrible, but that doesn’t matter. Why should you invite someone you don’t care for to your wedding because your mom thinks you should invite her? Like I said earlier, it’s not your mom’s wedding. It’s not as if your mom will throw a fit if your aunt isn’t there – she’s an adult, yes? I personally wouldn’t invite anyone that disliked my fiancé to my wedding. Why would you? And if I found them to be rude and childish, that’s all the more reason I wouldn’t want them there.

Don’t invite anyone to your wedding purely out of a feeling of obligation or to please someone else. This day is about you and your fiancé, and you don’t need the added stress of someone being there that you didn’t want to invite in the first place.

@livelaughlove21 Because family harmony is worth something. Not inviting her can be the start of her not being invited to her cousin’s wedding, etc., etc. If the aunt isn’t going to make a scene it isn’t really a big deal, especially of the wedding is going to be rather large. Weddings are not always only about the bride and groom, it is also sometimes a family event. A reason for the family to be together. You paid for your wedding if I am not mistaken, but in many families the parents pay. That is why invitiations usually read Mr. and Mrs. Doe request the honour of your presence to the marriage of their daughter Jane to John Smith. I think most people agree the bride gets the most influence over the events, but family is usually considered in one way or another.

It isn’t all about money though. Even if the bride and groom are paying for everything it is worth inviting the aunt for family harmony assuming the family generally gets along. If the family is very broken and dysfunctional, then possibly not. We don’t know the exact situation.

The OP can be the one who unites rather than breaks apart the family. She needs to decide what would be most true to herself. Her aunt can decide not to go if she disapproves.

We don’t know the details of the OP’s situation, so it is difficult to know if our advice really fits her situation.

I wish I had invited some cousins who I didn’t to my wedding. I really regret it. I was not angry with them, people just had convinced me not to have “children” there, long story, and I was not very close to them anyway. They weren’t that young at the time. Tween and early teen. Somehow I knew enough to encourage my husband to have his brother at our wedding, even though his brother had just done a horrific thing to him and his mother. Really really bad. But, eventually the family has forgiven him, and it would have been quite sad if he had missed our wedding day. Many family matters are temporary. The wedding day is hopefully once in a lifetime.

@livelaughlove21 I completely agree with you.

@livelaughlove21, if her mother is paying for the wedding, she deserves some consideration in terms of the guest list. I have no idea whether the mother is contributing or not. The OP hasn’t said.

In reality, this is a very small issue. The long term ramifications for her mother, and later for her when she isn’t stressed about the wedding and feeling emotional, will be much bigger. She will then be dealing with a relative who was excluded from her wedding and by then she may regret her decision. She says she’s hurt by this woman’s lack of acknowledgement of the wedding. Suggests to me she does care about her aunt and she’s just angry.

This is her mother’s sister. Sometimes, rather than being a petulant child, you have to be a little more mature and think about how your behaviour will affect others, even if that means ignoring someone else’s bad behaviour. Plus, why let such negativity affect her wedding plans. Invite the woman, and put her somewhere or with someone who will keep her quiet.

Can I add a more sensible approach in the first instance would be to talk to her aunt. Perhaps there’s something going on she isn’t aware of. That should be the first thing she does before excluding one family member from a wedding.

@JLeslie I certainly agree that we don’t know the details here. So, why assume mom is paying or that the OP is even close to her aunt? Why are we assuming she’ll feel regret at all? I definitely don’t regret inviting people to my wedding that I disliked, family or not. IF mom paid, yes, she gets a say. If not, she doesn’t. If the bride and groom are paying for it, it is all about them, and the family is there as support and to celebrate the union. There isn’t going to be much support or celebration from someone that doesn’t even like the husband-to-be.

@Bellatrix If the wedding isn’t a huge issue, then why would this cause devastating repercussions in the family? If not being invited to a wedding is going to ruin a relationship between the two sisters, then it wasn’t a very strong relationship in the first place. I wouldn’t invite anyone to the wedding that did not support my marriage because they dislike my fiancé. If that makes me a “petulant child,” so be it, but I only wanted positive people at my wedding. If this woman is rude and childish, like the OP says, who’s to say she won’t cause a scene?

Of course she should talk to her aunt first. However, if she didn’t change her tune about the fiancé, there’s no reason for her to attend. Being my mother’s sister hardly warrants an invitation if there are negative feelings about one of the people getting married. If I told my niece I didn’t like her fiancé, I wouldn’t expect an invitation.

Her aunt not mentioning the wedding to her and other people telling her its because she doesn’t like her fiance isn’t a huge issue. She hasn’t heard this from her aunt. It may not even be true. Even if it is, sometimes you need to be the grown-up. So she doesn’t like her fiance. That’s not a first. There are close relatives I don’t like in my family but I don’t exclude them from family events and vice versa. Weddings are usually big family events. If you exclude one relative and invite everyone else, that is a pretty big slap in the face.

Family relationships have been damaged for much less than not inviting someone to a wedding. It’s not something that can easily be put right either. There could be other things at play here she isn’t even aware of. She needs to talk to her aunt.

@livelaughlove21

I definitely don’t regret inviting people to my wedding that I disliked, family or not.

Did you intend to type, “I definitely don’t regret not inviting people to my wedding that I disliked, family or not”?

@livelaughlove21 Well, we agree we don’t know enough details. But, since the OP doesn’t mention always hating this aunt, I am assuming (which can be wrong much of the time) that the OP is just upset her aunt doesn’t like her fiance. That to me is not a reason to not have her there. The aunt is not marrying him, she cam still be there for her niece.

The long term consequence of not inviting her out of spite doesn’t make sense to me, if, and I again say if, overall they have a decent relationship.

As a 45 year old woman who has seen a lot of family ridiculousness, and I myself have some regrets, my advice is invite the aunt. The mother will be upset not only because it is her sister, but because she too has more life experience and knows the impact it will have, while the bride probably does not realize what will happen, assuming she is under the age of 30. I don’t know how old she is, I assume young since she is asking this question.

Oh wait, we don’t know for sure the aunt doesn’t like the fiance? Is that right? It’s just rumor? Well, then this whole discussion is worthless. To not invite her on a game of telephone makes no sense at all.

@Brian1946 Yes, my mistake.

@Bellatrix Where exactly did you get that it was only a rumor that the aunt doesn’t like the fiancé? From the way the OP stated it, it sure sounds like this is a well-known fact, not a hunch.

@JLeslie I think I’ll duck out here. I was unaware that anyone under 30 has no idea about “family ridiculousness,” or life in general. There still seems to be a lot of assuming going on here, but what do I know? I am but a child with no clue about life.

My advice stands: If the mom is not paying and the OP truly feels the way she says, then she shouldn’t feel obligated to invite anyone that she does not want there.

Peace.

“She knows about the engagement but she refuses to say anything to me because apparently she doesn’t like my fiance (for no good reason).” Suggests the aunt hasn’t told her she doesn’t like her fiance. The OP would have to confirm that. I agree with @JLeslie though. Not inviting her out of spite is not a good reason. It doesn’t matter if the aunt likes her fiance or not.

“I am really hurt that I haven’t heard anything from her.” Suggests they have/do have a relationship and she does care about the aunt.

Actually, that the OP is upset the aunt didn’t congratulate her implies they are all the same in that family. The aunt _ should_ have called, and since she didn’t the OP is angry and wants to get back at her it seems to me. All those shoulds just breed anger and everyone should probably not be so stuck in their expectations. But, I am just going by what is written. Hopefully the OP comes back and explains.

@livelaughlove21 I did not intend to insult or offend you, or anyone else who is under 30. People much older also do things that fail to have a long view. I absolutely am not saying your opinion is wrong or unworthy. I am not sure why you are critical of me or anyone else who agrees with me giving advice when we have minimal information when you also are giving advice without all the information. Wouldn’t you say as you get older you know more? Compare your 16 year old self to now. There is some wisdom gained with age.

Don’t play her game.. Refuse to be bitter like her and invite her to the wedding then if she doesn’t show up she can not come back and point a finger at you and if she does show up and makes a scene, realize that those attending will scorn her for acting bitchy and not you because you were cordial. She’s probably looking for a fight (verbal) and a certain amount of drama.. Don’t get caught in her web.

not inviting her will cause even more problems. I would say if your mom wants her there and you are afraid she is going to cause some problems, tell your mom to talk to her and tell her she needs to be on her best behavior or she will be thrown out of the wedding. Who knows, maybe by the time the wedding comes around things will be smoothed over.