Why do people insist that at a certain age things are expected when we all grow at our own pace?

It’s not exactly a hard fast rule, it’s more like guidelines, and cultural norms. In my family my parents never would have let me live with them for years after high school without some sort of plan or goal to be able to support myself. In my husband’s family children were expected to live at home until they got married. His brother lived at home until his mid 30’s.

There is some sense to our expectations as we learn more about how our brains develop. Previously it was thought by the teenage years our brains were pretty much developed and through experience we became smarter about life. Now, science shows us that the frontal lobe of the brain is still growing and creating connections throughout our teen years and into our early 20’s. It explains why teens still aren’t great at predicting consequences, especially long term consequences and risks. It’s also natural for teens to practice their independence, and the safest way to do it is while still living at home, but challenging their parents authority to a point. College years create an extra buffer of time for children to get more up to speed with the demands of adulthood. Not only the academic knowledge, but literally a stall for time before having to be completely responsible for themselves.

Other expectations like when to talk and when to walk in early childhood are averages. Things like when to have a first kiss, first date, get married, have children. Again, those are partly biological readiness and cultural norms.

It’s more of a median age – a line drawn through the dense part of a scatter-plot graph.

You could argue that freedom is making your own choices, but have you ever considered that by living at home you’re infringing on your parent’s freedoms, at an age where most healthy people are already responsible for themselves? The greatest taboo, per the Internet.

This reminds me of a friend whose family tried to push him into marriage at age 27 years old simply because of their culture (Italian) and the fact that his brothers before him did so at that age too.
His brother married at that age then two years later divorced his wife,going through misery, for the whole family.

This friend waited until age 34years old to marry the girl of his dreams.
He is in a fullfilling marriage and has a baby girl as well. His family is happy for him and all is well.’
Had he did what was expected of him at the age 27 yrs old, he could very well had ruined his life by being married to the wrong person.
People need to realize their own wants and needs in the equation.

There are some societal norms that apply to everyone: majority at age 18, drinking alcohol at age 21. And there are others that are not mandatory but generally applied: most people (up until about ten years ago) would get their drivers license soon after turning 16.

But we do all mature at different rates. My daughter is 15 but I have always considered her a “young” 15. She is modest and gets embarrassed at the mere mention by someone of any interest in boys or make up.. She is well aware of things, she is not naive, but chooses to not jump into adulthood as quickly as possible.

@Inspired_2write Probably half the women over the age of 60 got married to get out of their parents home. In my BIL’s case he was/is gay and so he never met the girl of his dreams. Although, for years he said he always thought he would get married to a woman. In his mid thirties he moved out to live with his boyfriend at the time. It’s a much more convoluted story than that, but I leave you with the short version for this Q.

Anyway, freedom from your parents was often found in marriage in America in the past. In other cultures even newly married couples are still very attached to the extended family, even now in 2013. The dynamic can be very different depending on the family.

My wife and I have no problems with our 20-year-old living at home, though this is with the understanding that she either works and contributes financially to the household, does a lot of the housework while my wife and I work full-time, or a combination of both. She’s still doing the housework and works part-time, but I know that eventually she’ll want to strike out on her own.

Because, depending on where you live, there is an average age at which certain things typically occur.

Why is it expected to be on one’s own by a certain age? Because your parents would like to have their lives back.

My son is my only child; he is 22 and he lives with my fiancé and I. We have the home arranged so that he has plenty of his own space. He and I have a very close relationship, and he gets along very well with my fiancé. He pays a little rent and has his own car loan and insurance and pays his own bills. His girlfriend stayed here most nights and we got along well. In fact, they broke up not too long ago, but she got together with us for dinner last week because she misses us.

Despite how good things are, I look forward to him moving out one day, and us having our home to ourselves. I raised him to be responsible and independent, but this economy makes it very difficult for people to live on their own. So I accept that this is the best arrangement for him, and I’m glad to be able to help him out. That arrangement is between the parties involved to communicate about what works best for them.

As for the expectations of others in society, that’s nonsense to which I’ve never paid any attention. Life is complex and challenging, and no one can judge you as long as you are not hurting others or mooching from others.

Freedom is in making your own choices, yes, but it’s not supposed to be at the expense of others: I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my freedom to give you yours.

A person may choose not to work to support himself, but how in the world does that mean that I should support him so he doesn’t have to—when he is of age, and fully capable? What right does he have to claim my resources instead of securing his own?

And where is he going to be when my resources run out? Will he be rushing to support me?

I think these are questions you might consider while you’re philosophizing about what a person is free to do. Without responsibility, it isn’t freedom.

Peer pressure can be very influential at certain ages, particularly teenage hood. It does indicate a certain insecurity, but there is a reassurance that you are part of a majority.

It is a carry over from school grade levels. K – 12. Some people like quantifying everything mathematically/statically.