Is this relationship right?

Always follow your instincts, grasshopper….

Always.

I dont know what my instincts are telling me master…..or do I and I just don’t want to listen?

Yes, you do know.

I really don’t, is it that I should leave this girl but I really like her, and what is harder I think that she really likes me too…..

She told me that she had a really rough life growing up and she smokes…and I don’t. We are so different. All I know is, I really feel for her despite her non educational background. I really do not want to look the other way, but my parents and others think that I should. Should I? Am I really making a mistake? She doesnt smoke when she is with me and when we were at a party and we werent in a full relationship yet, her friends husband wanted to hook her up with a guy, and the guy was right there and she actually told me that and she laughed at him saying that cant he see that she is with someone. Honestly that just blew me away…she didnt even talk with the guy.

Instinctively, I don’t think that this will turn out like Dudley Moore, charmed by Liza Minelli’s shoplifting in “Arthur”. The butler dies, and the happy couple rides off in a limo down 5th Avenue.

But everyone deserves a chance, and she may end up being the Love of Your Life.

Anyway…..what the hell do I know…..???

You can’t judge her for having had a rough childhood – many of us have. You can judge her based on the behaviors she chooses as an adult: rudeness, smoking, laziness. You “like” her when she looks all cute in her uniform? That is lust, not like.

That girl sounds very familiar to the girl I used to be. She doesn’t seem to respect herself, and therefore it will be difficult for you to respect her. She has two children and no education… that is a tough position to be in and she may be looking for a savior, which reminds me of the girl in this recent question.

I am not saying that she is hopeless – just that it seems that she has some work to do in regards to her self-esteem and maturity. Perhaps if you do treat her with respect and don’t try to rescue or fix her, but instead encourage her to raise her standards for herself, she’ll gain a new perspective. Perhaps she’ll get defensive and cuss you out – you never know. Proceed with caution.

@hearkat really hard to say it…but I understand what you are saying…and I am cautious.

Only you @Eggie can answer this. It sounds like she wants to be a better person when she is with you. So think about this, is she capable of being someone whose attributes are what you are looking for?

My last relationship was with a woman who was a high school dropout, her mother did time in prison for selling LSD, she smoke like a chimney until she was 32, when she was 26 she was a janitor in a college dorm cleaning up after puking students. But she got her GED, went to Community College and then got a bachelor’s degree at a University of California campus. She now has a doctorate in Psychology.

So it is possible that the girl could turn her life around. But if you don;t think she can, probably better to let it fade away. (Always complicated when it’s a co-worker.)

You need to observe her longer and see how she behaves in all kinds of situations. Don’t let her cuteness blind you to her character.

Why does it have to be complicated? We discussed this the first time that we went out, and she told me that she didn’t want anyone on the job knowing that we were dating..and I agreed with that because I thought it was a wrong work ethic, but lately at the party I was describing earlier, some of the co workers were there and I showed them to her and she said that they should just mind their f****** business. Besides I dont think I will be staying there…but what is really concerning me is what Hearkat said and the fact that she has two kids. Is it wise to have someone with kids at ages 9 and 5? Is this an act to just use me? Will I see the truth?

To the extent that you enjoy it and her, go with it but it doesn’t sound like this is going to be your sould mate or the love of your life. If you feel that you are being used or in over your head or are using her, you probably should end it.

Listen, Eggie, before I go…...what the hell is that avatar you got there, anyway ?

It looks like a little penis in the Swiss army, getting ready to go to war…..

Truthfully, I am not looking for her to be my soul mate…and a big part of me is telling me that I should leave her alone…but I really like her..I really do and I am just acting on my feelings. I feel happy when I am with her( so far) and despite all my warnings I want to see more of her. Its like im a kid playing with something that I should be playing with….My avatar is an egg in a Knights costume you are a bad apple arnt you

Sorry, man. I just had to throw out my evening snarky before shutting it down for the night. It’s only to make myself laugh.

I think the best advice given tonight was by hearkat, who said….

“Proceed with caution…”

If you like her and she makes you feel happy, enjoy it for what it is. Probably not a life-long commitment, but an enjoyable interlude in your life.

This is relevant.

You are happy when you are with her because it’s a new relationship and it’s exciting. I don’t know how old you are but be cautious about wasting your time. Just my opinion. If you stay with this person, you would end up living with her and her two kids, probably. Is being like a stepfather something you want to do?

If it feels good, do it, enjoy yourself, but try to keep your head on straight while you do so.

Don’t rush too much and DON“T invest too many hopes and dreams into this. Some of us may be wrong and it may be a match made in heaven, but LISTEN to those warnings. Whether we like it or not the history doesn’t sound great and she is probably not seriously steady material. She may have wonderful qualities but she has so much to work out. Don’t end up being a victim of any sort.

I’m sorry to have to predict heartache for one or both of you. If you keep it friends with benefits, it might work out, but she won’t settle for that, if I’m reading the situation accurately.

I don’t mean to be discouraging, but consider: if things get messy between you, going to work is going to be really awkward.

Just a few ways:

• You may have to work together when you’ve been having a fight.
• You could end up having a fight at work.
• You may have to work together after you’ve broken up.
• You may have to watch her getting involved with someone else, maybe even another co-worker. Or vice versa.
• Sometimes angry exes who work with you can make things difficult by throwing you curves or complaining about you or even lying about you to your boss.

That’s just a starter list. Come back in a while and you can add your own.

I could be really wrong. This could be great. Then you can come back and tell me that moms don’t know everything. And it’s true, they don’t.

“Why does it have to be complicated?”

Because you’re making it that way.

Mark my words, if you cannot come to grips with what to do in this silly situation, then I guarantee you that messing with ‘an uneducated coworker with two children who clashes with the boss and is lazy and rude’ will end up teaching you a thing or two in a very nasty short year. She’s gonna walk all over you, tear you to shreds, and leave you in the dust.

It will take you years to recover. I suggest you spend more time becoming yourself before someone else stiffs you through the grinder.

I suppose why I am having so much fun is because I never thought that she would go for a person like me, I guess opposites do attract. I dont know if this might clear up things further but when we first started to work together we had a disagreement. She would constantly leave the place that we were working and take “little breaks” and have me do all the work. So I confronted her in the back and told her that she is killing me slowly. She got upset and told me that I was a nagging old man that kept following her everywhere. She even at one point yelled at me to stop following her and give her a break…but she was really pissing me off. Although this happened, at that same day, in the afternoon while we together at our stations; not really saying anything to each other, I broke the tension by saying what a long day it was. She looked at me and nodded her head and then I joking told her that if she wasnt so much of a pain I would have taken her out and we would drink together. She laughed really loud and said “watever”. So I continued, yea for real…that would be really great.. She looked at me with the corner of her eyes,and it looked like she was disgusted…but to my surprise in the next two weeks when I came back to work, it was one of the workers birthday and they wanted to have a little get together at a bar and she asked me if I wanted to go with her and another girl, and I said ok. Fortunately that night the other girl couldnt make it, so we went alone together and we were the first to arrive there. I offered her a beer and I made sure to wrap the bottle and put a straw in it for her and I occasionally asked her if she needed anything and stuff(I tried being a really good host to her that night). We talked about stuff like how she hated the boss and other workers issues and stuff and we actually was having a good time before the other workers got there and they were shocked that we were hanging together. We looked really close and they were jokingly making comments that we liked each other. After that, well she wasnt really talking to me for a while maybe because of the workers comments, I took a deep breath and confronted her after work and asked her if she would like to see a movie with me. She smiled first and said ok and when we went she told me about her family life and stuff and I told her about me and we laughed at the times we argued at work and we started texting each other and things got off slowly from there till where it is now. Hope I didnt bore anyone with this story

Wait. People drink beer through a straw? Really?

@augustlan I am from a different country so yea..lol. If a guy buys a beer for a lady and its the bottle, it is good manners to have it wrapped with a napkin and have a straw in it. One of the things I learn’t from a bartender.

Interesting! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that in the US. Thanks for the info. :)

@augustlan When I went to New York I went into a bar and they served beer in the bottle, I think it is ok to drink it like that as long as you are in the bar. May I add that she also told me that she wants to join a program where she could learn a skill like hairdressing, so she wants to elevate herself but its tough doing that now having two kids. She is about 23.

It’s a nice little story, Eggie, and not at all boring.

She sounds like a little bit of a ‘tough cookie’, and you probably earned her respect by confronting her about the “little breaks”.

Good job….

@OneBadApple She sure is…still makes me wonder if I am making the right choice…one time she and the boss got into a fight that was so bad, her voice was heard all over the restaurant. Funny though when I am with her she laughs a lot at me, and on one of our dates, I told her if she wanted to smoke it was ok, and she said that she wouldnt because I was with her…under all that roughness she has some class and she also has dreams. She may be indisciplined at times but arn’t we all one way or another?

The fact that you are willing to look beyond what shows on the surface and give people a chance is a wonderful thing, and demonstrates real class and intelligence on your part. But before you emotionally invest too much of yourself in this young woman, PLEASE tread lightly, and always remember that you are also entitled to be treated with respect.

You seem like a smart, fine young man who doesn’t deserve to have his brains scrambled for the next five years, just because someone else has “issues”...

“May I add that she also told me that she wants to join a program where she could learn a skill like hairdressing, so she wants to elevate herself but its tough doing that now having two kids. She is about 23.”
Perhaps she is searching for an inhouse babysitter while she gets ahead and “you’ struggle with her problems?
Why arn’t you seeking single girls? This girl has a load of problems (authority,rules,respect, to name a few).
You are in over your head. She may be playing you since she acts one way and a different way around you ( her victum ).
Be wise and wait to see what happens should you NOT get involved with her?
She may go onto someone else to get what she needs.
Wait until she demonstrates respect for aland takes responsibility for her misgivings.

Just an update…we went to the beach and we had an awesome time. We took pictures with each other and we are planning another date this week.

Once in your life, you find her
Someone who turns your heart around
And next thing you know
You’re closin’ down the town….

Still together and going strong, but I have some problems with her in terms of thinking of the future with her.

Me myself, 22 years old, don’t have much experience in relationships,
But I think we are young, and young people should try things we really want bravely. My dad always says, it’s no big deal making a mistake as everyone else does in your life, just make things right again and move on; but you wouldn’t want to regret not having done it when you’re old.
Besides, I think different is cool. We want different, though sometimes it’s hard to find out if it’s different good or different bad. But if you fell comfortable, then I would say, go ahead! lol