Have you ever ended a relationship because it was simply the right thing to do?

You didn’t end “it because it was simply the right thing to do”, you ended it because there were differences between the two of you on some fundamental issues. Money and attitudes about money are huge in a relationship, and not something that can be simply overcome through passion and devotion. Same thing with sex, which you said was non-existent.

And great sex can carry people for a while beyond money, and money can carry people for a while beyond bad sex. But both will kill a relationship unless there is a lot of talking and communicating and work on a common ground that both can live with.

What I hear is a little regret and sadness, and it sounds like you have not grieved for the death of your relationship. Be aware, though, that your relationship is dead and that it isn’t going to come back unless he initiates a change in his life and can convince you those things will no longer be an issue, because for you those things need attention.

Take care of yourself, and just realize that he was not what you need in your life.

What happened to the nice new guy you were talking about a week ago? It is hard to reconcile the excitement you were describing about him and the distress you mention above.

http://www.fluther.com/160891/how-do-you-curb-your-enthusiasm-in-a-romance/

Huh? You judged him and found him guilty all without talking to him about your expectations?

Did you tell him you had a problem with his not paying and/or being too tight-fisted with money? DId you ask him his life plan?

You said he was sweet, dependable, and had similar interests. How easy do you think that is to find?

I find you cold and analytical and grasping. I think he is better off without you!

@marinelife Truer words were never spoken. It took me 40 years to find those qualities in one man.

@nuclear I really do hope that you did the right thing. I’ve never been one to give up very easily, and I stay long past the expiration date sometimes.
I’m finding myself wishing that you had sat down with him and had a heart to heart convo before you walked away. It’s hard to find a good man. From your description he sounds like a good man.

I wish you the best.

@marinelife That’s a bit harsh. OP could have brought up the issue. It seems like she made the right decision, or else she would have been stuck with a guy with no future prospects, ambitions or money.

Yes I had to break up with a girlfriend because I was spending more time with her than doing studies at university, was failing out and I made a pass at my best friend and I lost all three; the university I failed and I lost both women as friends… It only stopped hurting when I was hospitalized and I met some one else and I kept her as a friend.

I walked away from the love of my life because we were both junkies and I met someone that could help me. Now years later we have connected on fb and I still miss him. He’s the only man I ever really loved. I dreamed about him last night. But I don’t see how we could have stayed together I had to leave.

@sparrowfeed A loving, caring guy who shared her interests? That’s pretty good future prospects for happiness that money just can’t buy.

I have to agree with @marinelife. It’s almost as if you made a pros and cons list about this guy and just decided to end it like some sort of business arrangement. Yikes.

My husband and I began dating at 17. After graduation, I always had more money than he did. I was in college getting sizable refund checks as well as help from a family member while he was working crap jobs looking for his niche. I paid for everything. I stuck around because he’s a sweet, hard-working man and, even as a very young girl, I knew guys like him were hard to find. Fast forward a few years – I’m still working on my degree, he’s working a great job that he loves, and he financially supports me (until I graduate). Without him, I’d be living at my parents’ house instead of in a brand new home with a nice new car. We don’t have a crazy passionate relationship in which we’re all over each other all the time, but we love each other and we try hard to make our marriage work.

I get pretty annoyed hearing about “the spark” fading. Are we in high school? The fireworks and butterflies rarely stick around in a long-term relationship. I mean, if he’s so sweet and you loved him and he loved you, I think you’ll discover that men like that are few and far between.

I’m not necessarily saying you should’ve stayed, though. Relationships are hard work, and you obviously didn’t deem him worthy of the effort. At that point, there’s no reason to stay.

Woah now!

This was a two year relationship and a year of that was ‘working’ on the problems. I never said we had not talked. We talked a lot. He most certainly was aware his attitude about money was not jiving with me, and he also was well aware that the non-existent sex aspect was not okay for me.. But nevertheless continued to say that sex wasn’t very important. (But it is to me!!)

When you’d talk to him about a life plan, you wouldn’t get a reply with any goals he was working towards. It was more like, “a job, somewhere”. No work towards internships or experience, mainly sitting on the sofa with the Xbox most of the day, criticising his life. The ideas he has used so far for his career are ones I brought up for him. He never comes up with anything on his own for himself. I mean that, nothing.

About nine months ago we were going to break up and had the huge ‘conversation’. Of course, things would change. Of course they didn’t. I really tried hard to make this work. I tried being frugal and told myself that I didn’t mind paying and not having great sex anymore because he ‘loved’ me and therefore I should cherish him.

But why? Why do I need to persist in a relationship that isn’t making me happy because he has a few qualities that are rare? Am I really that desperate to be held at night that all this is worth it? Do I really need to work on a relationship that makes me feel 40 at 20? I didn’t think so… although it took awhile to reach this conclusion.

I’m not sure I like being called cold. It was hard to break up with him because I knew it would hurt him and this is what I feel most guilty about. I’m not enjoying this whole process.

I can’t understand why I feel so bad about hurting him and killing the relationship even though it really was the right thing to do.

He wasn’t a terrible guy by any means. In fact, he could be really lovely. But when I think down the line, considering whether I’d be happy in 10 years and whether I’d want his parents to be the grandparents of my children, I feel a resounding NO!

Wouldn’t it be even worse, for both of us to stay in such a relationship? Surely there’s someone out there he would be happier with too.

I suppose I could be considered cold, analytical and businesslike. Sometimes I think somebody has to stand up and recognise when things are not going to be salvageable. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want me.

This is the first time I’ve ended something like this. Of course I feel sad, a little unsure, worried , guilty, you name it.

Apologies to those who were offended by my approach – maybe this isn’t the best place to air these kinds of feelings. The problem though is that when you talk to your Mother, she always sides with you, and you never hear other points of view.

It sounds to me like you recogised things weren’t right for you when you were together. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. You know yourself and your hopes for the future and you also know whether he was likely to fit into that vision. If he didn’t, ending it was kind rather than cruel.

With a bit if distance sometimes we can look back and forget how bad things were and how we felt then. If you’ve been away from your normal environment, that’s probably allowed you to switch off your feelings to a degree. Bit hard to do now you’re back in your old environment and the one you shared with him.

So perhaps you are grieving for the lost promise of the relationship. It will pass. Especially once you get back into your own life, start seeing friend and perhap meet someone special.

@nuclear Do you see how all of that information would’ve been really helpful to us in the first place?

Although…

“I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want me.”

I’m confused by both this statement and how you put the word “love” in quotes. In your original question, it appears that there’s no doubt he loves you. Now he may not? What happened there?

@nuclear With the additional information that you have provided, I think that you were right to break up with him. You tried. It failed. You are in a natural low. While looking around the house and remembering the good times, think about having to pay for things or having to beg for sex and you will be affirmed in your decision.

@nuclear I recall being in a somewhat similar situation. Get out of the house and involved in some activity. Stay busy.

Oh and take the time to make your space yours. Add more personal touches rearrange have everyday things set up for easy use.

Even when a breakup is initiated by you and for an awfully good reason, it still hurts. It’s natural and normal, and it will pass in time.

@nuclear He sounds like he may have had some problems with depression during the relationship, especially with the lack of motivation, but that isn’t your fault.