Is it healthier to reject or be rejected?

Neither is objectively “healthier”. If you want to be in the relationship (whatever type of relationship it is), then stay in it. If you think he or she wants to leave, I don’t know why you would hold on to that secretly – can’t you just have an honest conversation with the person about whether this is going to end or continue?

For me, not being able to have that conversation would be a reason to leave. I would not leave just because I had a secret fear that the other person wanted to.

@glacial The conversation amounted to in this case him admitting he was superficial and that he would have to see.. It is a superficial relationship but friendship added in this person would not exactly mean nothing to you.

So rejection on purely the physical would mean what to you?

@Unbroken You haven’t really stated what the issue is. From what you have said, it sounds like either (a) you have become disfigured, and he “has to see” if he wants to continue being your FWB, or (b) you asked him the classic hypothetical “would you still love me if I became disfigured”, and he said he “would have to see”.

If this is about a hypothetical question, I don’t know why you’re considering dumping him. If you’re only FWB, I don’t know why you expected more from him when you asked the question. FWB usually indicates a general lack of commitment from both parties.

Ok @glacial you called my bluff… Not hard to do as I rarely inquire on issues outside of me and haven’t made it a secret on fluther my new sexual exploit….

Ok… so my hair started falling out again. I am not sure why as my health seems stable and this is my only symptom. But it continued for two weeks. I tried to screen my diet to see if I was getting gluten or dairy from something. But it got to the point I dread showers brushing or combing my hair and looking on my pillow.. So I shrugged and said that it.. I won’t allow something so out of my control to dictate my happiness. I shave it that day.

Later fwb called and asked to come over. I asked if it mattered if I had hair or not. He asked what I meant and I told him. The he said the nature of our relationship is like you said and I admit temporary subject to change. He said he was evaded for a minute saying it would be superfical to end something based on that. I laughed and asked him if he was denying being superfical, he said no. That he would have to see. As such I have turned down three invitations to see him in since friday.

Yes the relationship is bound to end but it just started and sex is good. I enjoy every aspect of it.. including him leaving.

But to be rejected for something I am vulnerable about is not something that I would easily be able to brush off. Esp since he is a representative of his gender in the way people do become emissaries of what they represent to others around them.

Giving him that power to hurt me seems… masochistic almost.

Well, my feeling is that you probably aren’t going to come out with a win here if you are that vulnerable in this area. I am not familiar with your condition, but I will say that everyone loses hair, and if this is a particular phobia for you, grounded in a real physical condition, I would recommend that you see a doctor to confirm your fears before you decide to perpetually shave your head. As such, unless your FWB is completely in the loop about this condition, his first thought is probably also that shaving your head was a bit of an overreaction.

I happen to like the shaved head look on some people, so that’s not why I say this.

In addition to all that, there’s no way he could have predicted that you would make this drastic move, and I would have been amazed if he managed to say just the right thing in response to hearing the news. It doesn’t mean he won’t be totally accepting of the new do – he might love it.

But there is a risk that he won’t like it, and you need to be prepared for that. You took control of your hair loss when you grabbed the razor. My advice is: don’t let his reaction rob you of that control. If he’s going to be critical of it, and that hurts you, tell him the two of you are done, and move on. You know very well that a shaved head is not a good enough reason to break up with someone, and you’d have lots of reasons to be pissed if this was a real relationship – but it’s not, so you have to be able to deal if he doesn’t want to stick around.

The bottom line is, you can’t guess how he’ll react when he sees it. But you should not be afraid to see anyone because of how you look. Least of all the guy you’re sleeping with.

@glacial Thanks. That is a very well reasoned response.

For the record: I am not prepared to shave my head forever. I have lost hair before and it has come back. How long that will take is the iffy part.

And he is aware I have physical ailments. But I suppose it did come as a surprise for him.

I suppose the biggest problem here is my attitude about it. I may have taken control. But it is a reactionary defensive manuver rather then one of acceptance.

I see now that the problem in this situation is actually me.

Update: I am in a much better place mentally I meditated then had a conversation with fwb and then talked more in person. A happy ending!

So happy to hear that! :)