Did I act inappropriately or in a cold hearted manner ?

This is about her and not you. She is distracted by her profound grief and not focusing on the micro-detail of your behavior.

You were a loving friend to spend time with her at the viewing; let it go at that.

She has the additional concerns about her husband’s stomach pains.

Wait a while and pick up the phone. Asking yourself “Do I deserve this? ” seems querulous and petty under the circumstances. Don’t keep score.

She mustered the energy to send a general “thank-you” on Facebook. That is acknowledgement enough for now and under the circumstances. Be available later when the dust settles and she is not so distracted.

I agree with @gailcalled that asking about “did I deserve this?” seems petty and it’s not about you.

I would give her a call in a few weeks to say hi and see how she’s doing. If she’s not friendly at that time, at least she will know you reached out again, and at that point, the ball will be in her court for the next move, if any. If she doesn’t pursue the friendship after that, then no harm was done and at least you tried.

Sometimes you don’t reunite with people at a convenient time in their life. I have had this happen to me. I will meet up with an old friend from the past and I really do want to be able to spend time with them but I have a lot on my plate and I feel it won’t be fair to them to start up the friendship again and then put them aside.
Sometimes you also are grateful to catch up with an old pal but you see they have changed in ways that no longer make you compatible.

For instance. I once met with an old friend who was so sweet and considerate and very observant as to how she treated others. A few years had gone by and I realized that she had become a inconsiderate, selfish and ignorant (slightly leaning to bigot). She wanted to stay in touch after our visit but I dropped her like a bag of turd.

People change and so do we. So unless you are involved with them on a day to day, reunions can be harsh to the memory you once had of the person.

Another petty question: when I do call her, what should I say if she responds with , “you didn’t even send me a card.” I’m old enough or should be to know how to answer this question!

You say,“I thought coming and being with you at the viewing was more appropriate.”

I personally would never consider sending a condolence card to a friend whose friend was deceased but if she has expressed her appreciation for them and you care, you could send one now.

You did what you could to maintain the friendship. It appears she’s not interested. I would let it go. I do not think you behaved badly.

I agree with sunny and jan, if the decedent was a friend to you both and you attended services with her, there was no reason for you to send her a card. It seems you’re reading too much into this.

Personally, I don’t bother with friendships where I have to guess at someone’s feelings or intentions. If I leave a message and someone doesn’t get back to me, I figure that they’re busy with other things. I might try them again, eventually, but I don’t sweat it in the interim.

@marinelife she had been interested in maintaining our old friendship. After we’d been back here awhile, we made plans to go visit the (now deceased) lady and her husband and then we went out for dinner. Awhile after that she asked me to spend the weekend at her home since her husband would be gone for a couple days but I declined. Then she began calling me about once a week in the evening. This pulling away is quite recent. Just after the funeral she found out her daughter is pregnant and she called to tell me about all the handknitted things she’s making for him .Then she emailed about her husband’s stomach problems then..nothing. When an acquaintance of hers and my best friend died twelve years ago (same lady) I came back into Texas for the funeral and saw her again and all was well. It’s really quite puzzling!

@Aster Well, you could ask her. Say “Have I inadvertently offended you?”

Is it possible, since you’ve had gaps before, that your friend views your relationship as low-maintenance? Wonderful to see each other, “let’s do keep in touch” but daily lives move on and you can cycle between visiting often and letting some time lapse without meaning there’s any genuine loss of affection between you.

It’s also entirely possible that her husbands stomach pains were a harbinger of something quite serious with which they’re now in the midst of dealing.

There really is no way to know until she tells you or you ask her directly.

You did your best to comfort her and be with her after the death of her close friend. What more should you expect of yourself? Let it be until more info arises.

If it were me I wouldn’t read into it at all. She is going through a difficult time. Wait for things to settle down. Maybe send an email or call her a month from now when all her other friends and family are not still calling and sending cards. Just let her know you are still around and would like to keep in touch. If she says something about you not sending a card, I think she is very rude. When people get caught up in those etiquette things I think it is ridiculous, especially since you did see her at the viewing. You were there in person, it shouldn’t be a big deal you didn’t send a card. I don’t think I have ever send a condelence card for a friendship, but I can see doing it for long time close friends.

I wouldn’t expect her to berate you for not sending a card, nor would I ask her if I’ve offended her (@marinelife‘s suggestion). I would just call her and reach out, keep it sweet, and put the ball in her court.

I really don’t feel like calling her at all since she has ignored six emails. Now I’m getting mad. lol Its not like I have nobody else to talk to.