What would you say to your rapist in an email?

I guess the first question is, “Do you want to e-mail him?”

“Where can I have the police find you? And where do I send the bill for my therapy?”

OMG
He contacted you? Wow.

I recently looked mine up (gotta love the internet) and found that he is married and working for a large bank (in another city a 14+ hour drive away from me). He has kids and a wife..and no privacy settings on his FB. I maliciously thought about sending a FB message to his wife to give her a heads up to the creep she married… but then, didn’t.
Have no desire to ever talk to, see or communicate with him—and I’m just relieved he’s far, far away.

If (and I don’t think it’s likely) I ever ran into him in person, face to face…say, in an airport or something I might say something like:

“Not sure what made you think your behavior was OK – it wasn’t. You’re lucky I didn’t press charges and send you to jail. I hope you grew up and regret your actions..and if you still haven’t gotten it through your thick skull, imagine what you did to me is what my college age son will do to your daughter… Got it? Clear mental picture? You owe me an apology – but it’s 20 years overdue, so eff off.”

And then I’d walk off in righteous indignation.

Why would you want to engage with him at all?

“Die cunt die!”

How dare you contact me?

I actually conceived a child as a result and he contacted me about the kid.

I never confronted him. It was date rape, and I don’t think he realized he did anything wrong. I think that he thinks I lied to keep him away from my kid.

I realize now that I want to confront him. I want to tell him that what happened was wrong, was painful, and has long-lasting effects. I don’t care if he believes me or has any self insight. I just want to know that I did my part (for him to be accountable?).

@zenvelo The police were called years ago. The bills have been paid. But if he’d like to help pay for the kid’s college…

I did confront the person who abused me by letter which I handed to him. He had not realized how damaging the abuse was. I wouldn’t say it ended the pain but it was a powerful thing to do. You are so intelligent that I think when you sit down to write the letter, the words will come. Just be prepared for the feelings that may arise as well.

I think with your perspective: “I realize now that I want to confront him. I want to tell him that what happened was wrong, was painful, and has long-lasting effects. I don’t care if he believes me or has any self insight. I just want to know that I did my part (for him to be accountable?).”, you would be safe confronting him just to get your truth out there.

I would say what you want to say. You are clear and expressive. Good luck! It takes a lot of courage.

This is the gist of what I said to my sexual abuser in a letter I sent to him:

While I understand why you behave as if nothing happened, I can’t forget what you did to me. You’ve caused me a lot of pain in my life, and every time I’m confronted with your existence, it brings it all right back to the surface. Please don’t contact me, send me gifts or ask other family members about me. Don’t even think about me. Thank you.

Award the vexatious with the golden silence they deserve.

It’s their turn to be left wondering.

Whatever I said I think I would begin by saying how much I love that boy. I would probably say something about having something so wonderful come out of such a painful experience.

After that I think I would share what you have shared here; that it was a very difficult and painful experience it was and the challenges along the road to healing the pain. I think I would also be sure to let him know that in spite of the scars and what he took from you, you are happy; happily married with a beautiful little brother for your older son.

Was this a babysitter rape, or date rape, or what? How can he presume to be on good enough terms to send you an email?

“Dude, the next time you go to sleep, I’ll be waiting. Ever seen Girl With the Dragon Tattoo?”

Maybe I’m a little vicious… but you asked.

@filmfann Date rape. We are not on good terms.

Thank you everyone. Really. Especially @SuperMouse. Your comment was especially touching.

I wrote a handful of paragraphs yesterday immediately after reading his message. Although I felt very vulnerable, I let my husband read it last night. He said it’s perfect and to send it if/when I want, as is.

I feel very strong and powerful.

@Cupcake You are great!

@janbb Thanks. I think you’re great.