A relative wants to come and stay with me and I am not sure what to do?

Try to set clear limits for her visit, including an end date. Maybe something like, “I’m happy to have you stay for x amount of time, while you get back on your feet. This is what you’ll need to bring, this is when I’ll need my home/privacy back.”

“A close relative… not from this country”

My god you must put her up!

“She has screwed up her life (with alcohol)”

My god you can’t let her in!

“I am sympathetic to her because I screwed my own life up in the past”

My god you can’t save the world!

“I’m lonely myself and want her to come”

My god you must get out more!

“I told her she would have to bring enough money to feed herself”

My god you’ve already invited her!

“What should I tell her”

My god you already have!
__________

Look… Just say “I’m sorry. But I don’t trust your lifestyle to be a positive influence on my struggling family.”.

Say no. It’s easy. You’ll discover that a few days after you said it.

Warning, Danger, Danger!. If you agree you might not get her out of there.
If you must let her in you need to set a hard return date and she must have the return ticket to prove she plans on leaving.
You’ve been there so you understand both sides of the equation. You know how some people need a little help sometimes. You also how people can take advantage of others. You’ve worked hard to get out the hole . Don’t let someone else suck you back in.

Without doubt @LuckyGuy has hit the nail on the head! (So has @augustlan) But remember that you and your teen take priority. Yes, lend a helping hand but don’t get your hand “cut off” in the process! The relative has to realize that your help is just temporary and that the grass won’t be greener on your side. It IS a delicate issue and I wouldn’t want to be in your place but spell it out, make it clear, put it in writing, do whatever it takes to get the message across.

Think long and hard about what you could do for her that would be helpful that doesn’t involve having her at your house. Aren’t you going through enough right now?

I would not, under any circumstances, let her stay. Sounds like she’s been pretty direct about her plans for staying illegally – just tell her you don’t want to be involved, that you’ll meet up with her for lunch or dinner when she’s in town, but you can’t help her out with a place to stay.

Did she actually ask if she could stay with you, or did she just invite herself? Because if she asked, you have a clear opportunity to say “no”. If she didn’t ask, you can certainly tell her that inviting herself is not appropriate (nor will it make you inclined to believe her if she claims it’s just for a night or two).

@glacial she wants to come over on an eta which is good for three months. Which is sort of a long time. She lives with her daughter and the daughter’s bf and is acting as a nanny for their 4 year old son, but doesn’t get along with the bf and I guess is being treated really badly. She’s on unemployment payments or whatever it is, She was crying and upset and saying she has nowhere to go. I said she could come for the three months, then she said she would busk on the beach for money, work under the table, I was kinda like.. um… but what if you got hurt or sick, I have no idea how that works, there’s no reciprocal healthcare agreement for her country, and she said she wouldn’t need any of that…she came here and visited me years and years ago. I told her she could holiday here and sort things out. But I am having trouble getting her to take the illegal thing seriously- I myself have no idea how serious that is or what they even do to overstayers.

Talk about being stuck between a rock and hard place.
If you’re not comfortable with her staying with you then you need to tell her no. It isn’t like she asked to come visit for a week. 3 months is a long time, but it isn’t long enough for her to get her life together and be able to stand in her own two feet.
I feel bad for you that she has put you in this situation. I admire you for caring enough to consider it, but you need to put you and your child first.
What if it doesn’t work out and you have to ask her to leave before her visa is up? What if she won’t leave when she’s supposed to? How will that effect your relationship with her?
Ugh! Keep us posted.

@trailsillustrated What kind of unemployment payments can she possibly be getting? If these are being paid from her home country, she will likely get into serious trouble with both countries if she is caught. Does she even have a visa to be in your country – or is she a citizen of both?

(Are you in the US or Australia? I seem to recall it is one or the other, but not which.)

I would also demand she do some research online BEFORE she came over. Will she be looking for work? She should start now.
This is a tough one. Make sure she knows you have clear limits.

If someone competent suffered a disaster (flood, fire, earthquake, etc.) I would not hesitate to invite them to stay with me until they got on their feet. I know they would do the same for me. But this case sounds different. You could be setting yourself up for disaster.

Think about nice people who let a ‘recovering’ addict into their homes and then find their valuables missing one piece at a time.
What inspired you to turn life around? That is what your relative needs.

Don’t do it. If you’re already struggling, your child takes priority over extended family.

@glacial I’m in australia and she’s in the us and there’s no reciprocal medicare going on there. But I just heard that they have healthcare in the us now and being that’s she’s old she could get on disability and assisted housing, I am told. She had a call centre job that she managed to get let go from so she gets some sort of unemployment. She wouldn’t qualify for any sort of visa to stay here. I would be fine with her coming to visit, but I don’t want her to stay for ever, I brought up what if you get really sick or hurt over here, and she said, ‘well I would just go ahead and die’..... ugh…

Crazy. I actually misread what you wrote, and thought she was already in the same country as you. If she leaves the US, there’s no way she can continue to claim her unemployment (it’s not like you can take a vacation from looking for work). It almost sounds as if she’s wishing for things out loud… is it possible she doesn’t realize what the expectations are as she’s crossing the border? If the border guards sense that she’s lying about just going for a visit, or that she’s lying about having a job to return to in the US, or doesn’t have enough money to support her stay, they will turn her back.

@glacial I kinda hope that’s the case, don’t people in the us have to report seeking employment efforts? I’m on jobless benefits myself and I have to report 3 contacts a fortnite to the government- I thought on an eta they just wave em through? she’s talking about coming on a one way ticket. !

@trailsillustrated “Well I would just go ahead and die”.... ugh.

It sounds like she’s already trying to make you feel guilty/ obligated, and you already resent her for it. That’s before she’s even left her country. There’s no way having her live with you would work out well, for either of you.

Right now it seems like she expects you to swoop in and fix all her problems. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. You will just end up solving their problems, again and again, and they will start to depend on it. If you are in a stable, successful place and have few significant burdens of your own, it might be feasible to do something like that, but it still wouldn’t be healthy.

She has limited options, but there are some things she could do to better her situation. When someone is overwhelmed/ panicking, it can be hard for them to calm down and make a plan. Government-issued benefits can be baffling, but you may be able to help her learn and understand the process, without her coming out to stay with you.

Here is the main page for Social Security. From what you said, it sounds like she might qualify for disability or retirement benefits.

Unemployment benefits alone aren’t very much, but she may be able to find a cheap roommate situation or housekeeping/ childcare in exchange for reduced rent. If she is already taking care of a small child, but doesn’t like where she lives now, work like this would make a lot of sense.

She might also qualify for food stamps, or there might be food banks in her area.

Her moving in with you would be unsustainable, and you would probably end up with a helpless adult dependent on your hands. If you want to really help her, the best way would be to come up with a plan of action that she can do one little baby step at a time, and to help her understand the resources she has available.

@Haleth thanks so much tis not the first time you have aided me- she refuses to rent a room in someone’s house (something I did for a long time), blah blah blah it’s all very conditional, she has many neuroses which have to be managed bleh I think I will stipulate the 3 month thing- but I have an idea she won’t be able to do the paperwork for the visa thanks all.. I feels better

I did a bit of a search because I was concerned about how this might impact on you if she overstays her visa. I don’t think they can fine you but if she were to take work and an employer were found to be employing her, they could be penalised.

What would concern me is if another relative wanted to come to Australia and seeks your help, or once you’re properly settled, wanted to come over on a working holiday or to emigrate, the fact that this woman overstayed her visa and is connected to you could cause you issues in the future. Immigration don’t forget things. They take a pretty dim view of people overstaying visas. So she would be deported if they caught her but I’m just worried it might bite you on the bum in the future.

I think you need to be tough, as much as you love her, and say no. It sounds like you’re still finding your own feet and don’t have the emotional, financial or physical strength to take on someone else’s burdons. That she’s already telling you she plans to break the law bodes very badly. I would be very stressed if a relative did that to me. I just don’t need that sort of trouble in my life.

@trailsillustrated Oh my gosh, a one-way ticket? I don’t see how she will cross the border!

I don’t know but they might wave her though with a one way- or telephone me like they do on the customs show. I don’t have any other relatives over there that would come here ( to most people there australia might as well be the moon) but I am thinking (hoping) it might all just be too much for her to put it together.When I started thinking about it, I don’t really even want her to come, she’s horribly afraid of bugs, and I am quite worried about the booze thing. Thanks you guys, I feel more able to figure this out.

You said she used to have a drinking problem but you think she is over that now. If she is looking to stay with you, is she likely to report her drinking or problem stemming from it? No, she’s likely to gloss things over.

3 months is a long time to put someone up. 3 days is a long time to put someone up if you have limited space and are struggling yourself as you report. If you are struggling to feed yourself and a kid, how are you going to feed one more person with that? Are you going to get where you dread coming home or dread having her come home? Then what if she comes to stay and needs money to return to the US? Are you going to be able to afford her plane ticket? You have to ask yourself these questions and have some honest answers.

I would not let her come unless it was for a very limited time and she had a return ticket you actually SAW. If she is on unemployment, I don’t see how she could afford a round trip ticket to another country.

@jca all true but for : her dad recently died and she got some money. Not alot, but probably enought for a ticket.

@trailsillustrated: OK. Take into consideration all the other things I said.

Also, think about talking to the people she lives with now. She is likely to be telling you only one side of the story.

She is going to be in an even more desperate situation when (if!) she arrives on her one-way ticket, and can’t find work there under the table. She won’t be able to get a real job, because it would mean violating the terms of her stay. Will she spend her savings hoping the right illegal job will come up, then not have enough to get home when it doesn’t? She is setting herself up to fail here.

thanks, @glacial, @jca , I am going to tell her 3 months is ok but I don’t want her over staying her visa-provided she gets one she has 4 drink drives and lost her licence forever there- she wants to sell artwork on the beach but she’d have to hoik and umbrella and chair and stuff there on public transport. She’s too old to do the under the table jobs which are picking and stable work. I’m going to encourage her to go the route @Haleth suggested. I’m going to tell her she can’t come unless it’s a round trip.

@trailsillustrated Good luck to you. Let us know how it all turns out!

Edit: there is one other thing I’d like to mention here, and that is that if she is risking being turned away at the border, she will have spent a lot of money she can’t afford on a ticket to Oz and back. She would be well advised to check the rules before buying her ticket – and hopefully that will head her off at the pass.

Thanks @glacial, I’m going to insist that she have some kind of health insurance if she wants to come here- it’s ridiculous to think that she ‘won’t need any healthcare’, at her age, and she’s already had a myriad of health problems- that might head her off right there.

What? 4 DWI’s? That’s crazy and that in itself is indicative of a real drinking problem. You are asking for headaches having her there for any length of time and 3 months is a long time to have a houseguest.

@jca I know right? Who gets 4 drink drives? she has someone in florida that might take her, other wise I’m going to really press the 3 month only thing, and that would be a waste of her money in my opinion as roundtrip would be about 1600$ – I think she should develop something there..

@trailsillustrated: Just that language “might take her” shows that your feelings toward her coming are not really positive – it sounds like a job and a job that most people would not want, LOL.

@jca well, I will do it if there’s nothing else for it. When I was in a spot, I stayed with relatives, and the husband was really,really shitty about it, and now I think, well who wants a relative around? probably nobody! And if he felt like he had to make that popular fact clear on a very frequent basis, well who could blame him? I would never be like that about it, we’ll see what happens.